by Norah Simone
Before Tabitha could speak, Ryan began munching his tuna fish sandwich and devouring a handful of chips.
“So how are your classes going?” He asked Tabitha as he finally took a moment to breathe. Ryan sipped his chocolate milk loudly and Tabitha grinned at his milk moustache.
“They're going okay,” she conceded. “I still feel really behind, but I mean, it's only my second day. Hopefully things will start making more sense pretty soon.”
“The first week is always the worst,” Ryan agreed. “When I started I felt out of place for what seemed like forever. Have you thought about joining a club or something to meet more people? There are a ton of activities going on.”
“Yeah, but most of the join deadlines have already passed. Katie said I'd probably have to wait until the spring to join anything.”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. So you and Katie, huh? You're pretty good friends, I take it?” Tabitha smiled and took a bite out of her apple as she nodded, glancing around the cafeteria. She wondered where Katie was. They were supposed to eat lunch together today, and it was unlike Katie to be late.
“We've been friends for awhile. I met her right after she moved here. Our moms both made us join a book club at the library.”
Tabitha smiled at the memory of that boring club. She had never met anyone who made her hate books as much as the book club's leader, Abby Tolls. Abby was a college student who liked to chew gum loudly and used the word “like” after each and every sentence. When she wasn't chewing gum, she was sending text messages to her boyfriend and taking pictures of the book club members with her cell phone.
Abby never read any of the books she assigned her club members, so the group never had a discussion leader. Instead of talking about major themes and character development of the novels, the group simply sat around eating lemon cookies and drinking over-sugared punch. Katie and Tabitha had both been so bored that they eventually began ditching the official club and instead, sat outside the library talking about the books they read.
“Katie seems pretty cool. We've only had one or two classes together but she always smiles and seems really nice.”
“Yeah, she's the best. She was actually supposed to meet me here, but I guess she must be busy with something.”
“Aw, don't be sad,” Ryan reached his hand across the table and placed it gently on top of Tabitha's. “I'm sure she has a really good reason for not showing up.”
Goosebumps rippled up and down Tabitha's arm at the touch of Ryan's hand. She stared up at his twinkling eyes and gentle smile. He really was a pretty nice guy, and Tabitha enjoyed spending time with him. It was nice to be around someone who was so concerned about her feelings and her friends. Ryan knew just what to say to make Tabitha feel better when she needed it the most.
The rest of the lunch hour breezed by in a whirlwind of jokes and laughter, and Tabitha quickly forgot about Katie's mysterious disappearance. It wasn't until Tabitha's last class ended that she realized she hadn't seen Katie at all that day. Tabitha waited outside the front doors of Mitchell High for a few minutes after the final bell before she decided to walk ahead to Katie's house. Maybe she didn't feel well and had to leave early, she contemplated.
The wind was fierce as Tabitha made her way slowly to the Miller family's tiny blue house. Leaves blew across the sidewalk in front of Tabitha's feet, dancing with glee and freedom. A lone bird jumped down in the road and took a few steps before taking off again to fly away. I wonder where he's going. I wonder what it's like to be so free.
As Tabitha turned on to Stearns Avenue, she knew immediately that something was terribly wrong. Katie's narrow driveway was full of cars and minivans. Two SUVs sat idly in front of the Miller's house. Tabitha began to run up the street as quickly as her legs would carry her. She arrived out of breath and did not knock before entering the house.
The house was full of people standing around, talking in hushed voices. Two soldiers in uniform stood out from the rest of the crowd. A man in a nice suit looked sort of like a pastor, but the Miller's weren't a particularly religious family. Katie was nowhere to be seen, and Tabitha squeezed past the hordes of visitors to creep upstairs to her friend's quiet bedroom.
The floor squeaked loudly but the upstairs hallway was empty, and Tabitha was grateful for a chance to catch her breath before she knocked gently on Katie's door. She heard muffled sounds coming from the room and pushed on the door to find Katie face down on her bed. Kenny sat next to Katie, one hand on her hair, and looked up at Tabitha with tears streaming down his face.
“Our dad is dead.”
Chapter 8
Captain Miller's funeral was a quiet ceremony held just a week after his untimely death. The entire family and surrounding community was devastated. A local newspaper ran a short article about his brave and heroic life, and people who didn't even know the Miller family sent flowers and food. Tabitha had spent most of the week sitting around Katie's bedroom, eating chocolate and watching romance movies: anything to keep their minds off their fathers.
A light snow fell the morning of the funeral, littering the cemetery grounds. The shining sun fought with the cold, arguing that it wasn't cold enough to stay. The result was mushy, muddy earth mixed with remnants of snow. The snow that was left soon turned dark and dirty, giving the cemetery an even sadder and more dreary appearance.
Tabitha's boots sunk into the mud as she stood during the short ceremony. Katie's family had opted for a private burial, inviting only family members and the closest of friends. Tabitha and her mother were both in attendance, but her father was still nowhere to be found. Tabitha held Katie's hand as the pastor offered up condolences and a small measure of hope that there was something beautiful after death.
“I'll take anything,” Katie told Tabitha later. “A hope of heaven or an afterlife, anything. I just want to see my dad again someday. I'll hope for whatever I can.”
Long after the funeral's conclusion, Katie and Tabitha sat around the cemetery, shivering with cold and heartache. Funeral workers had lowered the casket and covered it with heaps of dry, brown dirt. Now there was a mound of padded dirt covering an empty grave: Captain Miller's body had been destroyed by a roadside bomb. There was nothing left to bury.
Katie's tears began to freeze to her face, giving her a glistening and almost angelic appearance. Neither girl spoke as they stared at the tomb. Finally, Katie stood up and turned to Tabitha.
“I'm ready to go home now.”
Tabitha nodded and followed Katie out of the cemetery. The sun was beginning to set, casting a heavenly glow on a sea of tombstones. Tabitha read a few of the engraved epigraphs as she walked. Some of the tombstones had Bible verses or nicknames written on them, while others offered special sayings or phrases. Angela Henning's tombstone said: “Live each day like it's your last.” A few were last chances to show love to a family member, like Mabel Shoemaker's grave, which read: “Loving wife and gentle mother; we will never forget you.” A few graves had one line puns on them, while still others were empty, free of expression and respect. Tabitha felt sad when she saw those tombstones, the ones that held only a name and two dates. She wondered if those people had been loved, if they had been forgotten, if they had been mourned.
The ground was still mushy and wet as the girls left the cemetery and began the trek back to Katie's house. Neither girl spoke as they walked. Occasionally a car would whiz by, spraying up bits of snow and splattering their jackets. Tabitha tried to brush the bits of snowy mud from her jacket, but Katie ignored any stains she gathered. Her eyes were glazed over and her lips were dry and raw from the cold.
“Some Christmas,” Katie muttered as they rounded a bend and saw a house that was covered in multi-colored lights. A small snowman glittered and twinkled on the roof of the house, beckoning and laughing with glee that Christmas would soon be upon them. Two miniature reindeer made of wire stood proudly in front of the house. One of them had a bright red nose that blinked. The other stood behind it, used to
being in the shadow of its peer.
“Poor reindeer,” Katie stared at its pitiful smile. “It seems used to being ignored. Everyone is so busy staring at Rudolph that they don't even see or notice him.”
Katie walked slowly to the reindeer and placed her hand gently on its wire head. While the first reindeer lit up magically every few minutes, this one remained still. It had a few miniature light bulbs sprinkled across its body, but they didn't light up. A few patches of rust dotted the reindeer's body, telling a tale of neglect and sadness.
“It's not easy being forgotten, little reindeer.”
The two friends stood in silence for a minute, then Tabitha placed her hand on Katie's shoulder. The girl sighed heavily, but allowed herself to be pulled away from the dismal scene. Tabitha held onto Katie's hand tighter than ever as they walked the rest of the way home.
When the girls arrived at the Miller residence, there were a few people mingling and chatting quietly. The warm aroma of fresh cookies and apple pie filled the house.
“My aunt,” Katie explained quietly. “When people die, she cooks. It's the only way she can cope.”
Neither girl was hungry, so they retreated to Katie's room. The bedroom was the smallest in the house, but Katie didn't mind. Movie posters and photos covered the forest green walls of the room. Green was Katie's favorite color, and she had begged Mom to let her paint the room herself. Shortly after the start of their friendship, Tabitha had helped Katie complete her vision. The two girls had spent hours working diligently to cover every inch of the previous owner's ivory white paint. Satisfied with their finished result, they had carefully pinned the posters and photographs on the wall using multi-colored tacks. Katie kept pictures of friends from every base her family was stationed at. Some friends she kept in touch with and some she didn't, but their pictures stayed on her wall just the same.
Tabitha tossed her jacket onto Katie's desk chair and plopped onto the twin size bed that rested in the corner. Dozens of stuffed animals covered the bed, and Tabitha allowed her body to sink back into them. She picked up an orange giraffe and held it close. Its two button eyes stared back at her without emotion. Tabitha wondered what the giraffe would say if it could talk.
“My friend Angie gave that to me before we moved here,” Katie said from the other side of the room. She slipped her shoes off and settled into her worn beanbag chair.
“We spent a day at the zoo and she got it for me to remember her by.” Katie smiled briefly. “She was awesome.”
Katie picked up the TV remote and pushed a few buttons. The small television roared to life.
“Movie time,” was all Katie said as she pushed a video tape into the small VCR below the television. Tabitha smiled as she glanced at Katie's milk crate full of VHS tapes. She was one of the only people Tabitha knew who refused to upgrade to DVDs. Katie said there was just something special about having to rewind a movie by hand when you were done.
“It makes it seem more real,” she explained passionately. “DVDs are too easy and mindless. I don't need a thousand special features. I just want to be engrossed.”
Soon the little room was filled with noise from the film, boasting far-away lands and forgotten adventures. Tabitha said nothing during the movie, which was unusual. Just a few weeks ago, the girls couldn't go more than a scene before they began talking and laughing and analyzing the characters they saw. Now movies were filled with silence and reflection; the two broken hearts that sat in Katie's room couldn't bear to laugh any more.
As the movie ended, Tabitha glanced over to see Katie asleep in her beanbag chair. Tabitha picked up a quilt from the foot of Katie's bed and laid it gently and tenderly over her friend's exhausted body.
“Good night, Princess.” Tabitha whispered. Her words hung loudly in the room, echoing a dream that once seemed viable and true. Now the notion of being a princess or accomplishing her dreams seemed silly and childish. Tabitha turned off the television before she left Katie's room and slipped quietly from the house. The stars shone brightly, but not brightly enough to fix what had already been broken.
Chapter 9
Despite her father's death, Katie missed only one day of school. Her teachers were sympathetic to her loss and offered her extensions on all work due, but Katie turned in all of her assignments on time. She poured herself into her studies, getting higher grades than she ever had before.
“I want to make my dad proud,” she explained to Tabitha over lunch one day. “I know it's stupid and really sort of cliché, but I know brains were really important to him. If there is a heaven and he's looking down on me, I want him to know how hard I'm working.”
“That makes sense, but you know, he was always proud of you,” Tabitha reminded her friend gently. “Your dad didn't care whether you got straight A's or you failed every class. He was just happy to be your dad.”
Katie smiled brightly. “Thanks Tabby.” She glanced at her watch before saying she should go review her notes before class. It was quiz day in Algebra, and Katie wanted to make sure she had all of the necessary formulas memorized before the exam.
Tabitha waved goodbye to her friend and finished her lunch alone. Mom had packed her a turkey sandwich and a packet of gummy bears. Tabitha had loved gummy bears ever since she was a little girl. Mom had used them as a teaching tool to get Tabitha interested in math. The two of them would count out the gummy bears before practicing addition and subtraction using math. Subtraction was Tabitha's favorite part because it meant she got to eat a few of the bears.
Today as she ate the bears she thought about being a little girl who was happy and content. She thought about Dad every day, but he still hadn't called her. Christmas had been spent alone with Mom and Uncle Nick. Tabitha always had a great time with Uncle Nick, but it still wasn't the same as having Dad around. Instead of a traditional turkey dinner, the trio had eaten take-out Chinese food and watched movies. Uncle Nick bought Tabitha a journal to record her thoughts and feelings.
“Every young lady should have a private place to explore her thoughts,” Nick said with a wink.
Tabitha had never kept a journal before, but she wrote faithfully in this one every day. Tabitha often felt angry at her Dad, so she tried not to think about him. Her heart betrayed her frequently, though, and she constantly found herself daydreaming about the past and of a world where her parents were together. Many of her daydreams became instruments of exploration in her journal. She kept records of her dreams and of the things she wondered about. She also spent a lot of time writing about Katie, who had become completely absorbed in studying. Sometimes Tabitha felt distant from Katie, but she knew that her friend was just struggling to cope. Katie had been writing a diary for a few years, so she gave Tabitha pointers and ideas for making her journal more personal and intimate.
“Try putting in some stickers or pasting a picture in each entry,” Katie advised. “You can also use different colored pens for different days of the week, just for fun.”
Tabitha took her advice and now, after just a few weeks, her journal was filled with an array of colors and images to complement her careful, but sloppy handwriting.
As Tabitha finished her lunch, she pulled her journal from her backpack and stared at the cover. It was a picture of a white bird with brightly colored wings. The caption read “With Wings I Soar” and Tabitha loved it. She imagined she was a bird flying free in a world without divorce or death or anything bad.
“Nice book, can I have a look?” Ryan's cheery voice drew Tabitha from her thoughts and brought her back to reality.
“Ha, not a chance!” She put the journal back in her backpack and zipped it tightly.
“For your eyes only, huh?”
“You know it. So what's up?”
“I just saw you sitting over here alone and I wanted to check on you. How's it going?”
Tabitha smiled at her friend. Most of her spare time had been spent with Katie. Although they rarely spoke about their fathers, each girl found comfort knowin
g her friend understood what it was like to be abandoned.
“It's going okay,” Tabitha tried to relax without pouring her heart out to Ryan, who probably didn't want to hear about all of her problems and issues.
“Did you have a good Christmas?” Ryan pried, and Tabitha smiled at his persistence.
“Yeah, it was fine. What about you?”
“Nothing to write home about. I had Christmas at my Grandma's and then Hanukkah with my Mom. It was fun and the food was great,” he smiled brightly. “And it was nice getting to see my cousins again.”
“I don't have any cousins,” Tabitha said wistfully. “But I bet it must be nice.”
“Wow, no cousins at all?”
“Nope. My dad is an only child and my mom's brother doesn't have any kids yet, so it's just me.”
“That must be lonely.”
“Yeah, I guess. You sort of get used to it after awhile. Besides, I don't really have anything to compare it to, so it doesn't really matter.”
Suddenly, the bell rang and the lunch room's volume level increased as students began rushing to their afternoon classes.
“I have to go,” Tabitha said to Ryan. “But thanks for saying hi.”
“Anytime. Hey, Tabitha, do you wanna hang out later? Maybe study at my house or something?”
Tabitha grinned at Ryan. “That sounds great. Meet you after class?”
“It's a date.”
Chapter 10
Ryan was waiting for Tabitha outside when she finished her last class. She had already seen Katie and told her about visiting with Ryan. Katie didn't mind at all.
“I have a bunch of homework tonight, so it's fine. Besides, it means more of Mom's lasagna for me!”
Tabitha was glad that Katie was so understanding and wasn't jealous of her new friendship with Ryan. Tabitha loved being friends with Katie and considered her to be like a sister, but it was nice to have a new friend to spend time with, too. Ryan was always smiling and laughing. Even when he was quiet, his eyes sparkled and Tabitha wondered what sort of secrets he held.