Moonshade (Vampire Conclave: Book 1)

by S. J. West

  I wink at them all before I turn to leave so they know I’m not mad at them.

  When I walk back over to Julian, he has a frown on his face.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask him, slightly out of breath from the exertion. We were having such a good discussion before being interrupted. I hope he isn’t going to hide his feelings from me now, when I’m so close to figuring out what they are.

  “You’re good with kids,” is all he says, not looking at me but at the group of children still running around chasing one another in a spirited game of tag.

  “I’m a teacher. I think it’s just in my genes.”

  I can feel him pulling away from me emotionally but I don’t understand why.

  “We should probably get back to your family,” he tells me.

  He takes hold of my hand, but I can already feel the distance between us becoming as deep and wide as the Grand Canyon. Did I do something wrong? I can’t honestly think of anything that would cause him to start acting so strangely.

  The rest of the evening goes by pleasantly enough. Julian plays the role of the besotted suitor for our audience, but I can tell his heart isn’t in it anymore. What could have made him change his attitude so quickly? Right when I thought he was on the verge of professing his true feelings for me, something changed his mind.

  Before we leave the party, Kaylee pulls me aside and reminds me of my promise to her.

  “I think I already love him,” I confide to her in a whisper, not wanting to hide my true feelings from my best friend any longer.

  “I already knew that,” she whispers back. “I know you better than you know yourself sometimes. I could see it on your face this afternoon at his house. Why don’t you tell him?”

  I shake my head. “It’s complicated. Plus, it’s probably too soon to be declaring that I love him. It might scare him off.”

  “Nonsense,” she says in an agitated huff. “You just march yourself over there and tell him how you feel, Sarah Marcel. Besides, he’s probably waiting for you to make the first move before he says how he feels about you. Men are like that. They don’t want to be the first one to unleash the L-word.”

  “I’ll think about it.” It’s the most I can promise. I’m not someone who wears her feelings on her sleeve for everyone to see. If Julian ends up rejecting me, I’m not sure it’s something I can recover from easily.

  The tension between Julian and me on the ride home is palpable. I want to ask him what’s wrong, but the determined scowl on his face keeps me from doing it. He seems almost angry about something. Is he mad at me? If so, why? What the hell did I do?

  When we get home, we walk to the house side by side in silence. He opens the front door for me and then proceeds to walk up to the second floor without saying a word. I follow him up, thinking it’s time for him to feed, but he walks into his room and closes the door behind him without even looking back at me.

  Ok. Enough is enough. I walk up to his door and lift my hand to knock but suddenly lose my nerve.

  “Come in, Sarah,” I hear him say from inside the room.

  Of course he knew I was there. We always know when the other is close.

  I place my hand on the cold brass knob and turn it to walk into Julian’s private sanctuary.

  His room is much like my own, except he has a dark brown comforter on his bed with tan and white accent pillows scattered against the headboard. He’s standing in front of the solitary window in the room, staring out at the front lawn. The faint scent of his cologne permeates the air, helping to ease my anxiousness but only by a little bit.

  As I push the door shut behind me, my nervousness acts like a vacuum in my mind, sucking out all the questions I intended to ask him.

  “What do you want?” he asks me gruffly, getting to the crux of the matter even if it was in a cruel voice. He may have invited me in, but he seems to want to make it clear that he sees my intrusion as an invasion of his privacy.

  His rudeness is just what I needed to spur my mind back into motion.

  “Did I do something wrong?” I ask. “Why are you so mad at me?”

  “You didn’t do anything, Sarah. I just remembered my place is all.”

  “Your place?” I ask, feeling even more confused by his answer. “What are you talking about?”

  “I shouldn’t have told you the things I did at the party. My role in your life isn’t meant to be as your lover.”

  “Why not?” I question heatedly.

  He finally turns his head away from the darkness outside to look at me. “You deserve a better life than the one you would have with me. You should have a life like Kaylee does. That’s who you are. I realized that when you were playing with the children. I can’t give you a family, not the one you deserve anyway.”

  “Do you love me, Julian?” I blurt out. I’m proud I had the courage to ask, but I’m not sure I have the courage to hear his answer.

  He turns his attention back to the window.

  “Don’t, Sarah,” he whispers wearily.

  I walk up to him and stand by his side until he finally looks at me.

  “Don’t what?” I ask softly.

  “Stop making me feel the love you have for me. It’s addictive and unbearable all at the same time,” he says in a hoarse, almost pained voice.

  “You’re not making any sense,” I tell him, shaking my head in bewilderment.

  He turns to face me fully, like he wants to make sure I hear what he’s about to say next.

  “I can feel your emotions, all of them. I know you love me.”

  I feel my heart lurch inside my chest, and I suddenly feel as though I’m standing naked in front of Julian.

  “What do you mean you can feel my emotions?” Then everything finally clicks into place in my mind. That’s why he finds it hard to be around me. “Do you mean you’re an empath, too?”

  “Only with you. I can only feel what you feel.”

  “But how?”

  “It happened right after we bonded. I can only assume you passed something on to me through your blood. Whatever it is, it causes me to be more in tune with your feelings. It’s the only explanation I can come up with. Now that we know your father was an alfar, it could be some sort of magic that was passed down from him.”

  “So I lost the ability to feel you, but you gained the ability to know how I feel?”

  “It seems that way.”

  Well, I didn’t have anything to lose then.

  “I do love you,” I tell him, taking a step closer to him. He looks down at the carpet under our feet, either unable or unwilling to look me in the eyes. “I won’t apologize for that, because I’ve never felt it this strongly for a man before.”

  “Sarah.” He closes his eyes and says my name in a strained voice. “You shouldn’t love me. I’m not good enough for you.”

  “Shouldn’t I be the one who decides that? Can you honestly stand there and tell me you don’t feel the way I feel? If you can, I’ll walk out of this room and we’ll never discuss this again. But if you can’t...”

  I don’t get a chance to finish what I was about to say. Julian rushes me, enveloping me in a bone-crushing embrace. He kisses me like a man who desperately wants me to know how he truly feels. He’s no longer trying to hide behind a mask of indifference, and is willing to show me just how much he wants me. He picks me up in his arms easily and lays us both down on his bed. His lips never leave mine, and I find it increasingly more difficult to breathe, like my lungs are starving for oxygen. But I refuse to let him go. I thread my fingers through his hair and roll him over onto his back, spreading my thighs to straddle his hips. I feel his arousal for me and can’t help but smile on the inside, knowing I can have that sort of effect on him so quickly.

  For one of the first times in my life, I feel completely connected with the man I’m about to make love with. And he isn’t just any man; he’s someone I can see myself building and sharing the rest of my life with. Just when I think I have everything I could ever w
ant, it all comes crashing down in an instant.

  Julian lifts me off him and quickly stands from the bed, leaving me in a panting heap.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, completely confused by his sudden withdrawal.

  “This is wrong,” he says, shaking his head at me adamantly. “I can’t let this happen between us.”

  “It’s not wrong,” I argue, sitting up on his bed. I hold out a hand to him palm up, desperately wanting him to come back to me. “Please, Julian, don’t do this. I love you. I want to be with you.”

  “You’re just a child. You have no idea what’s best for you!” The vehemence of his outburst catches me off guard, but I quickly recover.

  “I’m a grown woman. I’m perfectly capable of making decisions for myself and I’ve decided I want you! You can’t stand there and tell me you don’t want me, too, because I already know you do.”

  “It doesn’t make this right. Nothing can.”

  He turns away from me and storms out of his room, leaving the door wide open as an open invitation for me to leave, too. I follow him but he’s too fast for me. By the time I run down the stairs and follow his path out the open front door, he’s already gone. I search the night sky but only see stars. My heart feels the distance he’s placing in between us as he flies away. It aches inside my chest, and I’m left to wonder why he’s being so stubborn. The bond of blood we share makes our separation even worse with the added physical distance.

  Unable to bear the ache of his absence and rejection, I run up to my room and crawl into bed. I cry quietly until exhaustion overtakes me and I fall into a troubled sleep.

  I wake up sometime during the night and have to flip my pillow over to find a dry spot to rest my head. I feel the soft, quiet landing of Viktor’s paws on the other side of the bed. He walks over and lies down on the extra pillow beside me. I turn over onto my side, hoping to find a little bit of comfort from the cat’s presence. My heart stops beating for a millisecond when I see a naked man lying where my cat should have been.

  “Meow,” he says with a rakish grin on his face.

  I jump out of bed like a frog that has unexpectedly landed on a hot sidewalk. I stare at the man, trying to judge with my empathic ability if he’s a threat to me. It’s obvious he doesn’t mean me any harm, but that doesn’t stop me from taking a mental inventory of the items in the room and whether they can be used as a weapon, just in case.

  “Who the hell are you?” I demand.

  The blonde-haired, blue-eyed man stretches his lithe, muscular body out on the bed and casually laces his fingers behind his head, completely at ease with his nakedness. If I had to guess, I would put his age somewhere around twenty-eight. He’s smiling at me, enjoying my surprise at his unexpected appearance.

  “I’m Viktor, Sarah. I thought it might be a good time to introduce myself to you properly.” He has a distinct British-sounding accent, cultured in a Daniel Craig, James Bond sort of way. In fact, he kind of looks like Paul Bettany.

  I know he’s telling me the truth, but I can’t stop myself from looking around the room for Viktor the cat, my white feline friend.

  I look back at the man as realization sets in. “What are you?”

  “A friend,” he assures me with an affable grin. “I don’t take this form often, but I thought you might need someone to talk to.”

  “That doesn’t answer my question,” I say, slightly irritated. “What are you?”

  He sits up on the bed and leans his back against the headboard.

  “If you had been raised the way you were supposed to be, you would already know the answer to that question.” He sounds just like Julian did when he learned my mother hadn’t prepared me for my life as his companion.

  “Listen, the last thing I need right now is a lecture on how poorly my parents prepared me for my life. If you’re supposed to be a friend, then you shouldn’t have a problem explaining what you are to me.”

  He nods. “You’re quite right. I’m sorry for being so rude. You see, a long long long time ago, I was a cat, just as you have seen me. It wasn’t until one of your great- grandfathers worked his magic on me that I became a creature who can change from a cat to a human at will. He wanted someone who would always remain loyal to the alfar royal family and serve in whatever capacity his future children and grandchildren might need. To some, I’ve merely been someone to confide their troubles to; to others I’ve been a father or a brother, even a lover when the opportunity presented itself. I can take whatever role you need me to. But for you,” he squints his eyes at me, “I can’t quite tell if it’s a brother or a lover you need the most.”

  “Why don’t we stick with friend,” I suggest.

  “Friend it is then,” he says, standing from the bed and walking over to me.

  I try my best to keep my eyes focused on his face, but the appendage swinging between his legs is very distracting.

  He holds his hand out to me for a formal handshake. It seems an odd thing to do considering the fact he’s already licked me all over my face, and I’ve rubbed his belly numerous times. But I shake his hand anyway. It seems impolite not to.

  I’m not sure why, but I do feel extremely comfortable around him. I know it isn’t logical to feel like he’s an old friend, but I have no way to explain my reaction to him except that it might be a genetic trait. Perhaps my ancestor did something to make Viktor’s duality seem normal to his progeny.

  “If we’re going to be friends, I am definitely going to have to get you some clothes,” I insist.

  “Must I?” he whines. “They’re so restricting. I really don’t like them at all.”

  “For my peace of mind, I would appreciate you wearing them.” I walk over to my wardrobe and pull out a bed sheet from the extra set stored there. “Here,” I say, handing him the sheet. “Put this on for now. I’ll try to get you some proper clothes soon.”

  Viktor takes the sheet and drapes it around his body, toga-style.

  “Well, this isn’t too bad,” he concedes, looking down at his ensemble. “I never had to wear clothes around Shael.”

  I choose to ignore the implications of his statement. All I need is to hear tales of the sexual exploits between my cat and the Queen of the Alfar.

  “So how does this work? Are you able to transform into a human any time you want?” I ask. “Or are there rules?”

  “I can take this form when I want, but I usually don’t unless I think my services are required. To be honest, I prefer being a cat. Human thoughts can be so complicated and cumbersome. Cats are quite simple. We eat, sleep, and play. Everything else is taken care of by our owners.”

  I can understand preferring the simple life of a cat. It would certainly be easier than dealing with the daily dramas of being human.

  “How many people know you can change forms? Obviously Julian doesn’t know, or he would have warned me.”

  “As a general rule I only transform in front of the immediate members of the royal family. Although there have been occasions when I’ve revealed myself to others, but those instances have been very rare. Like I said, you would know what I was if you had been raised the way you should have been. We would already be friends by now, Sarah. But since your father decided to abandon us to be with your mother, you weren’t given a proper education. That’s one reason I decided to come to you now, to help prepare you for your reign as queen.”

  I feel a headache coming on. I have way too many things going on in my life all at once. How am I supposed to think about being the Queen of the Alfar when all I can concentrate on are my feelings for Julian?

  “Can we not talk about that tonight?” I ask him.

  He walks up to me and places his hands on my shoulders. When I look in his eyes, I can see his concern for my well-being.

  “Do you need to talk about him?”

  “I don’t understand why he left me.” It feels good to have someone I can openly talk to about Julian. I’m sure Helen is fast asleep, and Kaylee doesn’t have all the f
acts about the circumstances of my new life. Viktor is just what I need right now. It suddenly dawns on me that my ancestor was very wise in making him. Sometimes you need a friend who can keep a secret and always take your side in an argument.

  “I think he loves me, Viktor, and he knows I love him.”

  “Yes, I heard what went on in his room,” Viktor reveals. “Thin walls and big ears make for some interesting eavesdropping.”

  “Good,” I say in relief, “at least I don’t have to tell you about everything that happened. If I had to say the words out loud, I might start to cry again.”

  Viktor draws me into his arms and hugs me close. “Don’t waste your tears on someone who obviously just needs time to figure out how to deal with his own feelings for you. Vampires are solitary creatures by nature. They generally only develop a caring relationship with the one they’re bonded to. If Julian has really fallen in love with you, then you have accomplished something no one has ever been able to do.”

  I hold onto Viktor, soaking in his warm and caring nature as a way to mend the void in my heart from Julian’s rejection and distance. It’s bad enough I feel the ache of his refusal to admit his love for me, but the added pain of being physically separated from him is almost too much to bear. I try to keep in mind what Daniel said about the pain of separation becoming duller as time goes by, but from the way I feel right now I highly doubt the agony will ever diminish.

  “Come, you need to get some rest. Let the vampire throw his little tantrum. He’ll be home by the time you awaken. From what I understand, he feels the same pain you do when you’re separated. He won’t be able to stay away from you for very much longer.”

  I let Viktor lead me back to bed and tuck me in underneath the covers. He lies down beside me and holds me in his arms. I lay my head against his chest and let myself relax enough to find sleep.

  The next morning Viktor, in his cat form, is lying across the top of my pillow over my head like a hat. I raise myself up on an elbow and look at him softly snoozing in his sleep. Last night was certainly a trip. Finding out Viktor can shift between a human form and his natural cat one was a development I didn’t see coming.