Forfeiting Decency

by Rachel Schneider

  Lilly stares longingly at the glass too. “Me too. Me. Too.”

  “Not even a little?” I ask, holding the straw in her direction.

  She holds up a hand to block her view of the drink. “Don’t tease me. I dream of carbonation and caffeine and sugar and all of it combined. I want to bathe in it.”

  Slowly, I pull my straw back. “Pregnancy has made you crazy.”

  “I’m hungry,” she defends. “All the time. To top it off, I only crave what I can’t have.”

  I laugh at her outrage, but she slowly breaks into a smile. We order two of their largest burgers with fries and two different types of pies right off the bat. And I go ahead and order a second drink.

  “You look good,” Lilly says, sincerely.

  I look at my reflection in the window, cringing at what I see. “I look like shit.”

  “No you don’t. You look healthy.”

  “Healthy is another word for fat. Just call me fat.”

  She laughs. “This is fat,” she says, pointing to her belly. “Argue with me some more.”

  “Nope,” I say, holding up hand. “I’ve been around pregnant you all of thirty minutes and I can already tell that’s not something I want to do anytime in the near future.”

  Both of us forget about arguing the second the food arrives, too busy stuffing our faces to talk at all. Every bite makes my taste buds feel like they’re actually exploding and I have to stop myself from moaning with every bite. To Lilly’s credit, she eats like she hasn’t had anything but day old bologna the past year too.

  She actually does moan, cradling her belly as she finished chewing her last bite. “That was so good.”

  I bob my head in agreement, wiping my mouth with a napkin, disgusted with how much sauce and grease comes off. “Literally, the best thing I’ve had in a year.”

  “Kip ate like a bear for months after he came home too, stocking up like he was preparing for hibernation.” My reaction at hearing his name must read all over my face, because her face becomes slightly panicked. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I mean, I didn’t—”

  I wave a hand in the air, shoving one more fry in my mouth I don’t need. “It’s okay. How’s he been?” I say, nonchalant, not feeling it in the slightest.

  “He…works a lot,” she says, rubbing her belly absent mindedly. “But he’s good.”

  I nod my head repeatedly. “That’s good,” I say. “He likes to stay busy.”

  “He does,” she agrees, dropping the conversation.

  I’m partially pleased and saddened by it. I want her to tell me everything. How he’s doing, who he’s doing it with, does he miss me? But the other, more rational part knows I have no right to ask. I haven’t seen him since I left the hospital with Lance that morning and I never replied to his one and only letter. Over time I had added Lilly to my approved visitors list, but she knows where I stand when it comes to Kip. We don’t talk about him. It’s almost easier and harder at the same time.

  Once we’re back on the road, it starts to drizzle. “You still haven’t told me where you’re staying,” she says, kicking up the windshield wipers.

  “I wasn’t sure until a week ago,” I say. “Lance found an apartment I can sublease with the current tenant, and they’ll let me turn in my first month’s rent after I get back on my feet.”

  “That’s great,” she says, truly meaning it. “Do you know who it is?”

  I shake my head. “No idea.”

  She can’t hide her cringe and I laugh. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I should be positive. I bet he or she is wonderful.”

  “That was a pathetic attempt at being optimistic. You should stick to what you know.”

  “In that case, I hope it’s not someone like Mrs. Cecile. God forbid you stay out past ten.”

  “How the hell do you know about Mrs. Cecile?”

  She hesitates a moment. “Kip and Lance have both filled me in enough to know she needs a hobby.”

  I smile. “Thanks,” I say.

  “For what?”

  “For picking me up and pretending my new roommate can’t be worse than Mrs. Cecile.”

  She smiles like she’s proud of herself. “You’re welcome.”

  For the rest of the way, she gives me a rundown of everything that’s happened since I’ve been gone. Justin finally quit smoking, for real this time, and his brother, Jacob, got accepted into grad school in the city. Her firm is being super supportive with paying her through her maternity leave after not even working there a year. The baby wasn’t planned but not a terrible surprise for them. Cal is getting in more trouble than ever lately since Mr. Wilson has been battling some serious health conditions.

  “But he’s grown fond of Kip, so I’m hoping some of Kip’s good influence will rub off.”

  “Doubtful,” I say, smiling. “It did nothing for you.”

  “It’s so annoying. I know he’s a good kid. I don’t understand why he acts out so much.”

  Life can change so much in a year. I shake my head, amazed by it all.

  Lilly programs the address Lance gave me into her phone and she volunteers to come inside to meet my new roommate with me. It’s on the west bank but it’s a clean apartment complex with a pool and playground set. The apartment is up six flights of stairs and I begin to worry about Lilly on the second floor.

  “Are you okay?”

  She holds her side, waving away my concerns. “Like I said, I’m fat,” she says breathlessly. “It takes a little more effort.”

  “You don’t have to come up. Really. I’m sure my roommate is fine.” She gives me a murderous look and I hold my hands up in surrender. “Let’s just take a break.”

  We do this every two floors until we reach the top. By the time we knock on the door, I’m afraid she’s going to scare my roommate into revoking their offer on the apartment. The door swings open and a very pretty redhead greets us.

  “Hi. You must be Kaley,” she says, smiling sweetly. “I’m Beck.”

  “Hi,” I say, waving. “This is my friend Lilly. She wanted to come along to ensure you weren’t a serial killer.”

  She laughs, opening the door wider. “That’s not a problem. My boyfriend might be offended though.”

  “Your boyfriend?” I say. “Lance didn’t tell me there were two tenants.”

  “Oh, I don’t live here. This is my boyfriend’s apartment.”

  When Mondo comes into view, my confusion morphs into understanding. He leans a forearm on the doorjamb as he uses the other to tug Beck to his side. “No serial killers here, I promise.”

  “How…why…what?”

  He laughs. “Lance tracked me down two weeks ago and said you would need a place to stay when you were released.”

  “But how did he know who you were or even that we know each other?”

  He shrugs, dumbfounded. “He told me you’d know.” Lilly and I trade looks, just as baffled. “Something about the government seeing your porn?”

  I bust out laughing and tears come to my eyes as all three of them stare at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Inside joke,” I explain once I have myself under control.

  Beck smiles, dubious. “If you say so.”

  Mondo waves us in and he shows us the layout of the apartment. It’s a two bed, one bath, but it has a balcony off my bedroom so that’s a plus. There’s not much to it, still very much a guy’s apartment, but Beck is super friendly and open to Mondo sharing an apartment with a girl, which I’m more than grateful for.

  Lilly lounges in a foldout chair on the balcony, cradling her belly as she rests. “This isn’t too bad.”

  “No, it’s not bad at all,” I say leaning my forearms on the railing.

  After a moment, she asks. “Are you okay?”

  I smile at her over my shoulder. “I’m okay. Strangely tired, but okay. I don’t feel like it’s set in yet.”

  “Do you need any money?”

  I shake my head. “I have enough for about a week, but hopefully I can find
a job soon.” As I say it, I remember how hard it was for Kip to find a job with a criminal record and the same dread from earlier returns.

  “You need clothes and food and necessities. Why don’t we go shopping?”

  Smiling, I look at her. “Do you not have anything to do today?”

  “I took the day off to spend with you,” she says, taking a good five minutes to heft herself up. “Besides, I know you don’t have anything to do today, so you’re stuck with me.”

  We spend the day bargain shopping. I buy a few sets of clothes but I’m honestly more excited about having bras and underwear that fit and aren’t plain white. I also buy food for the apartment, hoping Mondo likes some of the stuff I pick out since I can’t afford rent right away.

  It’s a good day. Probably the best way I could have spent today. I’ve felt like I waited for this day for forever but dreading it at the same time. Everything didn’t fall into place last minute. Lilly and I stayed in contact for most of my prison sentence, as was Lance, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stay with either of them when I was released. Both offered, but neither felt right. Once Lance realized I was serious, he told me he’d find a place, and he’s somehow found Mondo. Apparently the government does see all. Creepy.

  I DROP THE APPLICATION into the slot in the door of the boutique. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been released back into the real world but there’s been no luck with jobs. It’s too early in the year for the summer rush to begin and too late for anything seasonal. I don’t imagine I’ll be getting a call back anytime soon. My parole officer is going to be thrilled.

  I take the bus back to the apartment, aggravated at another day wasted. Sometimes I feel like I’m not even real. What if I’m having one really long, detailed dream about getting released, but I’m actually still back at the prison, sleeping the days away. I do the same thing now, so it’s hard to tell.

  I come home to an empty apartment. Mondo is gone most of the time. If he’s not working at the bar down the street, he’s at Beck’s, and if he is home the chances are he’s sleeping. I unzip my jacket, pulling my arms free, when a feeling washes over me. It’s hard to describe, but it’s a sense of anxiousness and nostalgia mixed into one. I’ve thought about it more times than I’ve wanted to, but now it feels like I’m going to die a slow and painful death if I don’t go.

  Hailing a cab, I ignore the voice in the back of my head that it’s not worth the money. Especially because it’s so far out of the city. I sit in the back of the cab, butterflies erupting inside me. It’s like they know where we’re going and they’re just as excited as I am. I tip the driver for the speedy delivery and hop out, surprised by the amount of hikers who are out in the chilly air.

  I choose the path of least resistance and hike the beginner trail to the spot. The smells of the trees are different than I remember but it’s probably because it’s still considered winter. Each time I round a corner and someone comes into view, my heart stops for a split second before resuming its pace. I remind myself that the odds of seeing him are slim to none and I didn’t see his truck in the parking lot. I looked…twice. Not that I don’t want to see him, because that would be a lie. But I don’t know if I’m ready to, or if I’ll ever be.

  I mean, I assume we’ll bump paths eventually. Lilly has been coming over almost every day to chat. If she’s not eating all of my food, she’s chatting my ear off about all the gross things pregnancy does to the human body. Don’t even get me started on the sex stories. All those years in college, when I’d have to drag every last detail from her is long gone. I don’t think I ever want to hear another description of Justin’s penis.

  By the time I make it to the top, I realize I came wholly unprepared. I’m dehydrated and I didn’t stop to think about water in my mad rush out the door. I lick my lips, reminding myself I can get a drink from the spring. Cutting through the trees, I start to get nervous that I forgot where the spot is for a moment. A few vague details stick out to me, and I’m relieved when I finally break through the foliage and onto the plateau.

  I breathe in deep through my nose, releasing it through my mouth. All the anxiousness and doubt about where my life is headed unravels, leaving a sense of serenity. I walk towards the edge of the cliff, looking down at the riverbed below. It’s shallow because it’s been an uncharacteristically dry season, so there’s ground showing that wasn’t visible the last time I was here. Taking a seat on the edge, I smile what feels like the first real smile in a long time.

  When I feel a presence next to me, my eyes snap open, landing on the one person who can make all the butterflies in my belly go bat-shit crazy. He doesn’t look at me, just stares out over the ravine, dangling his legs over the side. I can’t even pretend to not be magnetized by him. My eyes wouldn’t leave him even if I tried.

  He seems like he’s aged more than a year’s worth of time. His hair is cut short again, but his trademark bandana is still in place. He uncaps the water bottle in his hands and takes a drink, wordlessly handing it me. Remembering how thirsty I am all of a sudden, I take a gulp. It’s spring water. I can taste the difference—untouched by man.

  “Thank you,” I say, taking another swallow before handing it back.

  His hand touches mine, and I don’t have to look up from our connection to know he’s finally looking at me. I can feel the blood in my cheeks as I force myself to meet his eyes, letting the water bottle slip from my fingers to his. His gaze isn’t angry or hurt or even disappointed. He’s always surprised me and now is no different.

  We sit like that for minutes, hours, I’m not sure. But we don’t speak. I don’t know why, but it doesn’t feel like there’s anything to be said. It’s nice to not feel pressured to overanalyze this, but it also kind of scares me. Maybe a little part of me pretended like there was still a fraction of a chance he’d wait for me or that there would still be something between us.

  I knew it wouldn’t be fair to ask him that. Not then, not with what we were dealing with, or with what I was dealing with. Kip was right when he said I needed to love myself and I’ve spent the last year reading as much as I can to understand who I am. Self-help books and psychology textbooks, any and everything I could get my hands on. If prison does anything, it gives you a lot of time to think about who you are. If you don’t already have an existential crisis, sitting in prison will give you one.

  “I come here almost every day.” he says.

  My heart warms at his confession. As much as it was his spot before he brought me here, it feels like our spot. His skin tells me he’s telling the truth, not that he would have a reason to lie. It’s tan, way darker than I’ve ever seen it before and his hair is also a brighter blonde than when I left. After un-shamefully looking at him for longer than what should be acceptable, the corner of his lips tip up, and right then I know, I know, we have much more to say.

  “Do you have a ride back?” he says, standing.

  The sun is beginning to set, taking the minimal amount of warmth with it. Oddly, I haven’t felt the sting of cold since I’ve been here, but now it’s starting to seep in.

  I shiver, standing as well. “You know how I am with preparing. I’m probably just going to call a cab.”

  He stares out at the landscape, thoughtful. “It’s going to be hard to find a cab to come all the way out here on a Friday night. You should just catch a ride back with me.”

  “Are you sure? My apartment is on the west bank.”

  He meets my eyes, tilting his head in a nod. “It’s not a problem.”

  We walk through the woods to the trail. Even though it feels good to be in his presence, my heart won’t slow. It’s done nothing but beat heavily in my chest since he sat down next to me and it’s slowly driving me crazy. Going down is always easier than hiking up, and we reach the parking lot in no time. There’s only one vehicle in the parking lot and it gives me pause.

  “Where’s your truck?”

  “I still have it, but it’s on its last leg. I bought t
his truck to get around in.”

  It’s shiny and still has the brand new smell when I climb in. He cranks the ignition but the rumble I remember is gone, replaced with a silent hum. The station plays a slow country tune as I buckle up.

  “Better?” he asks, pushing some of the air vents in my direction.

  I hold my palms over the heat to defrost them. “I didn’t realize it had gotten so cold.”

  He pushes a button and the seat warmers begin to really make a difference, and I lean back into the seat. The trees zoom past the windows, the headlights illuminating them for a brief moment in time before they fade into black again. It’s as if we’re cocooned from the world. The interior of the truck muffles outside noise way better than the old truck, making the ride feel intimate. More intimate than when we were sitting at our spot. My stomach rumbles and the sound is magnified in the silence.

  Kip smiles, looking over the arm he has braced on the steering wheel. “Are you hungry?”

  It’s funny how I keep forgetting basic human needs today. “Actually, yeah.”

  “Want to stop and grab a bite to eat?”

  I want to, so badly, but it’s not in the funds. I splurged that day Lilly picked me up, but I can’t afford to do it again, not even if it’s with Kip. “No, it’s okay. I have food at home.”

  He nods once but doesn’t reply. I can’t tell if it bothers him I said no, or he doesn’t care either way. We don’t speak again until he parks in front of my apartment building.

  “This it?” he says, looking up at the building.

  I nod. “This is it. At least, for now.”

  Bracing his arm against the arm of the seat, he runs his fingers over his mouth a few times, looking from the window to me. He doesn’t speak, just looks at me, not a hint at what’s hiding underneath the surface.

  Getting the feeling he’s not ready to depart yet, I ask, “Would you like to come check it out?”

  There’s a split second of silence before he puts the truck in park. “Yeah,” he says. “If that’s alright.”

  “Yeah, totally,” I say, not even trying to disguise the eagerness in my voice.