I mean, I get certain rules, but kissing? Kissing is one of the best parts of hooking up with someone. I can't ever recall sleeping with a man that I didn't kiss at least once before he was inside of me. Well, until Dax anyways.
“No.” He shakes his head but his tone remains light. “But I really should go.” He says, shaking his head again as he stands.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry.” I say, jumping up to follow him through the space until he stops just feet from the door.
“You didn't do anything wrong.” He promises, reaching out to lightly trail his hand along my jaw. “Thank you for tonight.” He smiles, wrapping his hand around the back of my neck and pulling me towards him.
“It was fun.” He speaks against my forehead before laying a light kiss across it. “I will see you at the club tomorrow.” He says, pulling back and giving me a small smile before pulling the door open and disappearing into the hallway.
The moment he's gone, I shut the door and collapse against it. As much as I know that there can never be anything other than friendship with Dax, that doesn't stop me from wanting more. He makes me want things I never imagined I would want again. Unfortunately, my want doesn't change my past. And it certainly does not change who I am today. I am just going to have to find a way to resist the urge to break every single one of my rules for him. I just hope I have the strength to do it.
Chapter Seventeen
Lo
In some weird way, it's like the moment that I accepted that Dax could only be my friend and put all of my bullshit behind me, we just kind of fell into this amazing friendship. Five weeks have passed since the night he showed up at my apartment with pizza and an apology.
Five weeks and we have spent countless hours together, as friends of course. Showing up to each others apartments late at night with takeout has become somewhat of a tradition of ours. Living just two floors below him makes it impossible not to just pop in on him when I know he's home and clearly it's the same for him as well.
Whether it be me going to his place or him coming to mine, we always seem to find a way to be around each other. And while I still get the flutter in my stomach every time he smiles at me, I have learned to embrace his charm and not let myself be freaked out by it.
He is my friend. He has made it very clear that is all he can offer and I have done the same. People like Dax and I aren't built to be in relationships. But it's nice to have someone to talk to. Someone to laugh and joke with. Someone who understands me because in a lot of ways, he is like me.
“So you really have not slept with him a second time?” Anna hits me with a look of disbelief when I meet her gaze in the reflection of the bathroom mirror. Reaching for a paper towel, I quickly dry my hands before turning to face her.
“Is it really that hard to believe?” I laugh, tossing the towel into the trashcan to my right.
“Are you really surprised that I find it hard to believe?” She counters my question with one of her own. She cocks her head to the side and crosses her arms in front of herself. Her belly is getting so big that when she does, her arms practically rest on her stomach.
“I guess not.” I answer, considering her statement for a moment. “But things are different with Dax.” I shrug, turning back around to adjust the bust of my sassy red cocktail dress.
It's tight and hugs me in all the right places. I have been dying to wear it since I bought it two weeks ago, so when Anna called and invited me out for dinner and drinks, I could not resist slipping it on.
“Is that why you are wearing that?” She laughs from behind me, causing me to spin back towards her.
“What is wrong with this?” I ask, pinning my eyes on her.
“Don't get me wrong, you look incredible.” She holds her hands up in front of herself. “But don't think I haven't seen the way your hips shimmy a little bit more when you walk by Dax. Or the way you squeeze your arms together to really make your cleavage pop when you lean forward to speak to him. You wore that for him.”
“I did no such thing.” I shake my head adamantly. “I wore it for my potential hook up for the night.”
“Did you now?” She laughs and shakes her head. “Then why have you talked to no one outside of our table tonight?” She quips, narrowing her eyes at me.
“Because you invited me to have dinner and drinks with all of you. Kind of rude to just bail mid-night to go chase a piece of ass.... What?” I question when her eyes go wide.
“Do you hear yourself?” She laughs. “Since when have you ever cared about anything of the sort? The Lo I know would have been scouring the bar two hours ago and probably already left by now. Tell me, have you slept with anyone since you two have been hanging out?” She surprises me with her question.
“That's not true.” I argue even though I know she's right. “And no I haven't, but that has nothing to do with Dax.” I try to keep my defensiveness at bay.
“Yes it does and you know it.” She calls me out. “You may think you have everyone else fooled. Hell, you may even have yourself fooled. But I am not blind and I am not stupid. You want more from him than friendship.” Her smile spreads when she sees the look that crosses my face. “Oh God.” She covers her mouth with her hand playfully. “You do, don't you?”
“No I don't.” I laugh, trying to play it off like it's nothing. Truth is, I do like Dax. Of course I do. But that doesn't mean I want anything between us. But it definitely means that I am not hiding it near as well as I thought I was.
“There is nothing to be ashamed of Lo. You can tell me.” She steps forward, taking my hands in hers. “You once pushed me to explore my feelings for Bentley. You yelled at me when you thought I was being stupid and you were there for me when I just needed to cry. You are one of the reasons why I am where I am today. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't encourage you to fight for what you want, the way you did for me?”
“A good one.” I laugh nervously. “I don't need you to push me. I don't need anything. Dax and I are friends. That's all he wants and that's all I can give him. Can we just leave it at that?”
“Fine.” She turns, crossing the space towards the door. Pulling it open, she waits until I walk out before following behind me. “But don't think for one second that he doesn't feel exactly the same way about you as you do him. Even if you deny it, even if he denies it, I see the way you two look at each other. Friends, lovers, it doesn't matter what you call yourselves. Everyone can see it, even if you two can't.” She says under her breath, sliding into her seat next to Bentley without giving me any opportunity to respond.
I need to know what she meant about the way Dax looks at me. I need to know what it is that she sees that I apparently don't. Her statement leaves my throat dry and causes a tight knot to form in the pit of my stomach but that's not all I feel. Deep down, I can't deny the giddy excitement that her words cause me as well.
“Took you long enough.” Dax gives me a lopsided grin when I slide back down into my chair that is positioned between him and Anna.
“Preggers over here takes forever to pee.” I laugh, nudging Anna with my shoulder.
“I can't help it. This baby is sitting right on my bladder. I swear, every time he moves I have to pee.” She laughs, playing along with my excuse that is not entirely untrue. “Add that onto the fat ankles and backaches and I am just awesome.” She says sarcastically.
“You do not have fat ankles.” Bentley laughs next to her, pulling her into his side. “You have beautiful ankles.” He kisses the tip of her nose.
“Yeah you better say that. Did I mention the mood swings?” She looks back to me and laughs. “My poor husband will be lucky if I don't stab him in his sleep before all of this is said and done.”
“You want to stab me in my sleep?” Bentley turns wide eyes on Anna causing everyone at the table to burst out laughing.
“I'm joking honey.” She says sweetly, kissing the side of his mouth. “No I'm not.” She leans in and whispers to me directly after.
> “Have you ever wanted to stab me in my sleep?” Ethan asks, turning towards Shira.
“Everyday dear.” She smiles widely at him and laughs.
“Women.” He shakes his head, a toothy grin pulling up the corners of his mouth.
Sitting back, I let my eyes travel the table, taking in the multiple faces sitting around me, drinking wine or whatever else they like, laughing and talking like they don't have a care in the world. I don't know when I got bumped into this group. I mean, I have been friends with Anna for quite sometime now, but it really wasn't until more recently that I started getting invited to these group outings and while I enjoy them, I must admit that it's a bit strange that me and Dax are sort of paired as a couple in this group.
Anna has Bentley. Andrea has Collin. Shira has Ethan. Chelle has Malcolm. But then I am like this ninth wheel that always gets stuck together with Dax because he is the only other single person. I can't say I really mind that much honestly. I kind of like pretending that he is mine. That when we come out with our friends, we do it together rather than individually. Though I would never admit that to anyone else. As far as they are concerned, I am still the same old Lo, and needing to group myself with a man to feel included would never be my style.
“You ready to get out of here?” Dax leans over and whispers in my ear, pulling me from listening to Bentley and Malcolm battle back and forth over some sports team controversy. Honestly, I'm not even sure I really know what exactly they are talking about.
“Yes.” I sigh, ready to get to my apartment and get these damn heels off. Even though I have been sitting for the majority of the night, my feet still feel like I have been standing for hours. I make a mental note not to wear these shoes again anytime soon.
We quickly say our goodbyes to the group and exit the bar and grill style restaurant just a few short minutes later. Dax slings his arm over my shoulder and pulls me into his large frame, sheltering me from the cold wind whipping around us.
“I cannot wait for Spring. Shouldn't be too much longer now.” I get out through chattering teeth as Dax opens the door to his truck and helps me inside.
“I don't know.” He smiles through the open door. “I kind of like having an excuse to touch you.” He winks playfully and then closes the door, reappearing on the drivers side just moments later, his smile still firmly in place.
Chapter Eighteen
Dax
Lo leans into me casually as the elevator climbs to the fifth floor. I can't stop myself from trailing my hand lightly up and down her back, though it's likely she can't feel it through the materiel of her coat.
As much as I hate myself for it, I always want to be near her, touching her. I know I shouldn't. I know I can't. But when I am close to her, it's like some other person is in control and I am simply a passenger inside of my own body; watching myself do things and feel things that I know are wrong but not being able to stop it just the same.
Lo jumps slightly when the elevator dings and the doors slide open, clearly lost in her own thoughts. I laugh lightly and follow her out into the hallway.
“You know, you don't have to walk me to my door every time?” She laughs, turning on me the moment we reach her apartment.
“I know. But it gives me peace of mind knowing you got home safe.”
“I knew it.” She laughs, her beautiful smile stretching across her face. When she smiles, it takes everything I have not to take her face in my hands and pull her mouth to mine.
“Knew what?” I laugh, trying to pull myself out of it.
“That there was a sweet caring guy tucked in there somewhere.” She raises her eyebrows at me and then laughs. “Relax.” She leans forward, resting her hand on my chest. I can feel myself stiffen beneath her touch but there is nothing I can do to hide the clear effect she has on my body.
“You're secret is safe with me.” She winks, flipping her blonde waves over her shoulder as she turns and sticks her key into the lock, pushing her door open.
“Thank you for walking me to my door.” She turns back to me just as she steps inside. “You want to come in for a few? I think I have a little wine left over from last night.” She says, looking up at me with a look that I can only describe as hopeful. For whatever reason, it doesn't sit well with me.
I don't want her to want me to come in. I don't want her to want anything from me. And as badly as I want to say yes, I know I can't. Looking at her tight little body in that fucking red dress for another minute is going to dissolve the last amount of self control I am gripping so desperately to.
“I shouldn't. I really should get some sleep. Early day tomorrow.”
“Okay. Well, I guess I will see you later then.” She says casually, like it's no big deal. And while I know that she probably doesn't care one way or another, I can't help but question whether I see a hint of disappointment behind her eyes.
“Goodnight Lo.” I say, tensing when she pushes up on her tip toes and her lips graze my cheek so lightly, I wonder if she even made contact.
“Goodnight Dax.” I feel her breath hot against my face before she pulls away.
I don't know what takes over me but the next thing I know, I have her face in my hands and my mouth is hovering just inches from hers. Her eyes hold mine and I can feel her sway slightly in my embrace but I make no move to close the distance between us.
I want to. Every inch of me wants this. But then the reality of the situation creeps back in and I back away, slowly lowering my hands from her face. I don't know what else to say so I quickly turn and walk away, not looking back in her direction again. I hear her door close behind me seconds later and my steps immediately stop.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I don't make a move to kiss a girl and not follow through. Then again, I haven't actually kissed a person in so long, I don't even know if I remember what it feels like. But I can imagine what it would feel like to kiss Lo. Her soft lips pressed firmly to mine, the taste of her mouth on my tongue.
Shaking my head, I spin and head back towards Lo's door. I know I need to turn around. I need to keep walking. I need to go home. I can't cross this line. Once I do, I can't go back. One small taste and I know, I will never be able to walk away. And even though I know all of this, I can't stop myself from reaching out and knocking on her door anyways.
Chapter Nineteen
Lo
A knock echos through my apartment just moments after I make it into my bedroom. My heart picks up speed immediately because I know it's Dax, it has to be. I take my time getting to the door, not wanting to come across as too eager.
“Dax?” I question, the moment I open the door and catch sight of his heated gaze on my face. I barely get the words out before he steps forward and his lips crash down on mine.
The moment the contact is made, I am powerless to move, to react, to do anything that doesn't involve opening my mouth and letting his tongue slide inside. Wrapping my arms around his neck, his arms close around my waist as he pulls me into him, my feet leaving the floor as his lips work skillfully against mine.
I know I should push him away. I know that I should stop this, but I can't. It feels too right, too perfect, to do anything but kiss him back just as passionately as he's kissing me. His fingers grip at the fabric of my dress as he clenches me tighter against his frame.
His tongue works long sweeps against mine, the feeling more incredible than I had even dreamed. Because yes, I have dreamed about what it would feel like to experience this very moment. To be in his arms and have his lips pressed firmly against mine. But no matter how much I have wanted this, no matter how much I do want this, I know I need to stop it.
“Dax.” I pull back, pushing firmly against his chest until he has no choice but to lower me to my feet.
“I'm sorry.” He breathes, dropping his forehead against mine. “I just needed to do that, at least once.” He says, his breathing ragged and uneven.
“I thought it was against your rules to kiss on the mouth.”
I say, immediately noticing the tremor in my voice. Dax pulls back slightly, clearly not missing it either.
“The perk of making the rules...” He pauses, reaching out to push my hair away from my face before lowering his face down to mine.“I have the power to change them.” He whispers against my mouth before pressing his lips gently to mine once more.
I can't stop the tremble of my hands or the shake in my knees as he pulls back, gives me a lopsided grin and then spins around and walks away, leaving me standing in my doorway paralyzed and trying to figure out what in the hell just happened.
I don't know how long I stand in the doorway, unable to make myself move, before I finally snap out of my haze and close the door. Walking through my apartment, I feel like I have entered some kind of alternate universe where nothing around me is actually happening.
I collapse down onto my bed, not even bothering to pull the covers down or change out of my dress for that matter. My heart is racing, pounding so rapidly that I swear it is going to beat its way right out of my chest at any moment.
I've been kissed countless times before and I can't ever remember feeling this way before. Well, other than one other time. I shake my head, refusing to think about Ricky right now. I won't let him ruin this moment for me. Not this time. And while I know nothing can come of this, for the first time in a very long time, I am actually sad about that fact.
****
“If I didn't know any better, I would say someone is avoiding me.” Dax's voice washes over me from behind. I spin around to find him leaning casually in the doorway of my dressing room.
“I'm not avoiding you.” I lie. “Just been really busy.”
“Uh huh.” He steps inside the room, not buying my excuse for even a moment. “Is that what women call it when they clearly don't want to see someone?” He laughs, pushing the door closed and sliding the lock into place.
Taming Lo: A You and I Novel Page 8