Taming Lo: A You and I Novel

by Melissa Toppen

  “Take care of my boy.” He beams down at the baby.

  “Always.” Anna looks up at her model of a husband and smiles. The interaction is so sweet and yet, makes me feel a bit nauseated at the same time. I'm not sure if it's because they are so cute it's sick or because my mind immediately drifts to Dax.

  “I'll be back in a few minutes.” He pauses next to the door, turning back to his wife one last time before leaving the room. The second he's gone, I practically skip towards the bed, so excited to finally get a glimpse of the little guy I have been waiting months to meet.

  “Oh my God. Oh my God.” I squeak lightly, quickly crossing the room to get a look at Lucas Joseph Reed. “Anna he's beautiful.” I sigh, the moment she pulls the blanket back and I catch sight of the cutest red cheeked, dark haired, little baby boy that I have ever seen.

  “He is, isn't he?” She beams down at the infant in her arms. “He's got Bentley's nose.” She smiles, running her finger lightly across the tiny little nub on his face.

  “And your dark hair.” I say, gently reaching out to touch the baby's head. While Bentley has dark hair too, Anna's is near black, much like her new sons. “He's perfect Anna. Absolutely perfect.” I say, looking down at this amazing little miracle.

  I remember when I used to want this life, when this was the only life I wanted. A husband, children, a big house with a fenced in yard, our kids out back playing with the dog. I shake off the thought and turn my focus back to Anna and Baby Luke.

  “For just having a baby, you look incredible.” I say, not missing how unbelievably beautiful she looks, even in her less than flattering hospital gown with her long hair tied up in a messy bun on the top of her head.

  “I don't feel like I look incredible.” She pouts. “I thought that after I had the baby I wouldn't look pregnant anymore.” She frowns.

  “I'm pretty sure it takes a few weeks for your body to get back to normal.” I shake my head at her playfully.

  “I know....” She sighs loudly. “He is totally worth it though.” As if just remembering what she got out of all of this, she beams back down at the baby boy in her arms.

  “Bentley said you were only in labor for six hours when he called.” I say, grabbing one of the stiff backed chairs from the corner of the room and pulling it up next to the bed.

  “The worst six hours of my life.” She laughs lightly.

  “Well that's what you get for going all natural. You realize that they have these amazing drugs that make it where you barely feel a thing right?” I question.

  “I just wanted to experience it for what it is, you know?” She peers up at me through thick lashes. “I didn't want to dull it or numb away the pain. I wanted to experience actual child birth.”

  “You are probably one of the only women to ever make that statement.” I laugh.

  “Patty never got to experience having a baby.” She says, referring to her adoptive mom that passed away just weeks before Anna found out she was pregnant. “I felt like I needed to experience the real thing for both of us, ya know?” She smiles up at me. “Do you want to hold him?” She asks, just as I start to sit down.

  “Of course.” I immediately stand back up and cradle my arms, allowing Anna to rest Luke in them before sitting back down.

  Pulling him tightly against my chest, I instinctively rock slightly back and forth even though he is sound asleep and doesn't even seem to notice the new set of arms he has been moved to. I look down at him for a long moment, taking in his beautiful face, his cute little nose, the way his forehead scrunches as he sleeps.

  “So have you talked to Dax?” Anna cuts into my thoughts, pulling my attention away from the baby.

  “No.” I admit, shaking my head.

  “Lauren Hannock I swear to God if you don't pull your head out of your ass and talk to that man, I am going to beat you with one of your slutty heels.” She wags her finger at me playfully.

  “Shut up.” I laugh. “Besides, he hasn't tried to reach out to me so clearly he doesn't care that much.” I shrug.

  “You're wrong.” She shakes her head slowly, her mouth turning downwards into a small frown. “He's a wreck.”

  “You've seen him?” I question, not able to contain the flutter that runs through my stomach.

  “He was here earlier. He looks awful. I am fairly certain he hasn't slept in days. How long do you plan to avoid him?”

  “I don't know.” I admit.

  “Lo, it's been almost a week. You can't just hide out in your apartment forever and try to avoid him for the rest of your life. I know Bentley agreed to give you some time off of work but unless you plan to quit, you will need to go back eventually. And when you do, he will be there.” She reminds me, a tight knot forming in my throat at the thought.

  “I just don't know what to do. He says he loves me and hell, maybe he does. But how long until he gets bored and decides to go back to his normal ways? I can't have him and then not have him anymore.” I try not to show how much this conversation is affecting me as I turn my eyes back down to the carefree baby in my arms.

  “Lo, you love him too, I know you do. Even if you don't want to admit it just yet, I can see it. I recognize someone trying to fight love. I did it for a long time. I had the same fears as you. And now look at me. I am so incredibly in love with the man of my dreams and last night, I gave birth to his son. I know it may not seem like it now, but life has a funny way of leading us exactly where we need to be. You just have to be willing to trust that.”

  “That's easier said than done.” I sigh. “We can't all live happily ever after with our perfect husband and our beautiful baby, tucked away in our own little piece of heaven. Most people never see the type of love you have found with Bentley. What makes you so sure it's even in the cards for me?”

  “Because I know how much he loves you.” She says softly. “I don't know Dax that well, but Bentley does. He said he hasn't seem him like this since Christy.”

  “Christy?” I question, having never heard the name.

  “CTR.” She says as if that should mean something. “The tattoo on his wrist.” She says, her eyebrows pulling together in confusion. “Has he never said anything to you about her?”

  “No.” I admit. “I mean, I asked him about the tattoo once but he only said it was a reminder, never what it stood for. So those are her initials I take it?”

  “Yes.” She nods before continuing. “Apparently Dax was head over heels for this girl. He met her in college. A girl, Bentley says, he was preparing to propose to until he walked in on her and one of his friends.” She says, causing a tightness to grip at my chest.

  The thought of anyone hurting Dax completely guts me, but then again, isn't that exactly what I am doing? Hurting him? Denying him what he wants? Even still, knowing someone could do something so horrible to him, sends a rage through me that I am not prepared to feel.

  “I didn't know that.” I admit, glancing down at the baby when he shifts slightly in my arms. I smile when he snuggles deeper and immediately relaxes back into my embrace.

  “Well it is my understanding that no one really does. If Bentley had not been around when it all went down I doubt that he would even know. I guess he kind of went off the deep end after that. Bentley said he hasn't known of any other girl that Dax has even remotely cared for since then. Well, until you that is.” She gives me an encouraging smile.

  “I am in love with him.” I admit, noticing immediately that Anna does not seem even the least bit surprised.

  “Duh.” She laughs. “You really aren't as good at hiding your emotions as you think you are. I knew very early on that there was something there. And I also knew that it was going to take something big for you to admit it to yourself. I'm guessing having him confess his love to you kind of did the trick.” She gives me a knowing smile.

  “When he told me, I panicked. I have never wanted to hear something so badly in my life and yet, not want to hear it at the same time.”

  “I know the f
eeling.” She laughs. “Just go talk to him. You two obviously care for each other. I know you both have your issues to work through but isn't it worth at least seeing what happens rather than wondering what might have been for the rest of your life?” She asks, leaning forward to look down at Luke when he stretches out and lets out a small fuss.

  “I think someone's hungry.” She says, reaching out her arms when I stand to lay her baby in them. “Are you hungry?” She says in a cute little baby voice causing a high pitched laugh to rip from my throat.

  “Sorry. Sorry.” I shake my head, trying to stifle my laughter. “It's just..... Seeing you like this.” I start, but then she cuts in.

  “I know. It's weird right?” She smiles brightly.

  “It is.” I admit. “But strangely very fitting at the same time.”

  “Go see Dax.” She looks up at me. “You might be surprised by what joys life can bring you if you let it.” She gives me a sweet smile. “Now, unless you want to get a good look at my very swollen tatas, I suggest you scram.” She laughs when I immediately start across the room.

  “Lo.” She says, pulling my attention back to her just as I reach the door. “For what it's worth, I think you and Dax would be perfect together.” She gives me one more smile before I turn back around and quickly exit the room.

  It seems like just yesterday that I was pushing Anna to give Bentley a chance, encouraging her to explore her feelings for him. Now here we are, nearly a year later, and the roles have completely reversed.

  The sad thing is, I know she's right. I know what I need to do. But doing it is so much harder than I feel like it should be. I always thought that if I found someone, like Anna found Bentley, that it would be more natural. That things would just happen as they were meant to. But I am starting to realize that nothing this real comes easy.

  There comes a point where I just need to decide... Can I live without Dax or can I not? And yet, deep down, I already know the answer to that question. If I was willing to let him go, I would have already.

  This last week has shown me what my life is without Dax. Bleak, lonely, empty. I never knew how lacking my life was until Dax came storming into it. He has completely turned my world on its axis and honestly, I don't think there is any going back from that.

  As I pull out of the hospital parking lot with that thought, and Anna's words still ringing through my head, I know there is only one place I need to be right now. It's time I stop letting my past rule my future. It's time I stop letting myself be a victim and finally give myself the chance to be happy. I love Dax. I love him more than I ever thought possible to love another person.

  I thought I knew what love was, what it felt like, but it isn't until this very moment, as the acceptance of my love for Dax really takes hold, that I realize I actually never knew what love really was. Because before now, I had never actually experienced it. I had never met a man that consumed my body just as much as my heart. That is, until Dax.

  I am done fighting my feelings for him. Any man that can cause my hands to tremble and my heart to beat out of my chest with one simple smile, is a man that I am not prepared to live without. I am madly and truly in love him. I think it's about time I tell him that.

  Chapter Thirty

  Dax

  “I'm coming.” I grumble, crossing through the kitchen towards the front door of my apartment. Draining the contents of my beer in one long swig, I pull open the door just as another knock sounds against it.

  I freeze the moment Lo's face comes into view, the empty beer bottle slipping from my fingers. It hits the floor with a hard thud and then bounces a couple of times before it comes to a rest at my feet. I'm not sure if this is a dream, if I really am so drunk that I am imagining her, or if she's actually here. Either way, the urge to feel her against me is too strong.

  “Where have you been?” I pull her to me, not missing the way her forehead scrunches together as she resists my embrace, placing both of her hands on my bare chest as she holds me back.

  “You're drunk?” She questions, like it isn't already completely obvious.

  “Is that the pizza?” Tanya's voice sounds from behind me and I go stiff, having completely forgotten she was even here the moment I laid eyes on Lo standing in my doorway.

  I watch as Lo's eyes trail across my half naked body and then flip behind me to Tanya, a tall lengthy blonde that I picked up at the bar, sprawled out on my couch. I watch the hurt that crosses her features and then the anger.

  “I'm sorry. Clearly this is a bad time.” She steps back into the hallway, shaking off my attempts to grab her.

  “Lo wait.” I slur.

  Fucking alcohol.

  Why can't I just get one fucking word out without slurring like a fucking drunk lunatic?

  “It's not what it looks like.” I wrap my hand around her forearm, halting her movements just as she turns to walk away.

  She whips her head around, pinning her tear filled eyes directly at my face. I immediately drop my grip on her as she takes a step towards me. There is so much hurt in her expression, so much betrayal, so much pain, that just looking at her makes it difficult to breathe. She balls her hands into fists and then slams them down on my chest, causing me to step back towards my doorway.

  “No?” She questions, her voice bordering a scream. “Because I think it is exactly what it looks like. Thank you Dax.” She says, hitting my chest with her fists again. “Thank you for showing me that you are exactly the person I thought you were.”

  “Lo, please. I can explain.” I start, but once again she cuts me off.

  “Don't.” Her voice echos through the hallway. “Don't you dare lie to me.” A stray tear trickles down her face but she quickly wipes it away.

  “I'm not lying to you. Nothing happened. I wasn't going to fuck her.” I say, making another grab for her, but she steps back quickly enough that I end up grabbing air. “I love you.” I slur.

  “You love me?” She lets out a disbelieving laugh and shakes her head.

  “I do love you. Please.” I reach for her again, but she's too far from me now.

  “You're drunk Dax. Go back inside. Your whore is waiting. Go tell her how much you love her. Maybe she will be stupid enough to believe it.” She bites.

  Spinning around, she takes off in a full run before I can even think to move. It's like one moment she's standing in front of me, the next, she's no where to be found. I want to run after her, force her to listen to me, but I know that the damage is done.

  It doesn't matter what I say at this point. It doesn't matter whether or not I planned on fucking Tanya or if I just brought her here for the companionship. All that matter is what Lo thinks and right now, she thinks I am the worst asshole to ever walk the face of the earth.

  After all the shit she told me about her past, after she shared her pain with me, this is how I repay her. By having another woman here when she's finally ready to talk. How could I be so fucking selfish? Turning, I run my fist into the wall as hard as I can. The drywall crumbles around it and I pull my hand out of the now six inch deep hole just to the left of my apartment door.

  “Fuck.” I try to refrain from throwing another punch.

  “Dax?” I cringe at the sound of Tanya's voice as she steps into the open doorway. “Are you okay?”

  “Fine.” I storm past her back into my apartment. “Get your shit and get out. I am not in the mood.” I say, tossing her purse at her as I pass by the breakfast bar.

  I hear it hit the floor and her sigh of frustration as she picks it up, but I don't care enough to look back at her. I know she doesn't deserve for me to treat her so poorly but right now, I can't think of anyone except the one person that just walked out of my life, probably for good.

  I knew better than to bring Tanya here. Too much fucking liquor partnered by an enormous weight of dread over my situation with Lo, has caused me to act in ways I never thought I would again. I'm lashing out, just like I did with Christy. Desperately searching for something or som
eone to take away the pain, even if just for a little bit.

  “I said GO!” I scream, turning to find a wide eyed Tanya frozen in the foyer of my apartment. “NOW!” My voice bellows from my chest causing her to immediately scurry for the door.

  The moment it latches closed behind her, I pick up the closest thing I can find, which happens to be an empty bottle of whiskey, and launch it across my apartment. It hits the far wall with a loud shatter and glass goes flying everywhere. Picking up an empty beer bottle, I wing it across the apartment next, followed by two glasses from the sink and a plastic bowl which only makes it about halfway across the room before it flutters to the floor.

  ****

  “Any news?” I immediately ask the moment Bentley appears in the doorway of my office.

  “She taking an open leave.” He pulls the door closed and slides into one of the leather seats on the other side of the desk from where I am sitting.

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning she may be back next week, the week after, a month, a year. Hell, she may never come back.” He shrugs. “I gotta tell you man, you really fucked up with her.” He says, clearly seeing that I already know that much. “What were you thinking having that woman in your apartment just days after telling another woman that you loved her?” He questions, studying me curiously.

  “Fuck I don't know. I was thinking, that the woman I love had just told me she didn't want me and kicked me out of her apartment. Then she proceeded to avoid me for nearly a week. I had way too much to drink and a woman who was more than willing to be a distraction. What the fuck was I supposed to do?” I run my hands through my hair in frustration.