Shouldn’t Have Gone

by Mara Lynne

  “Let me go,” she says in a menacing voice. Her body struggled against his grip, trying to free itself. Her legs tried to kick around, but Damien got them locked in between his in no time.

  All the while, Damien keeps his serious gaze on her.

  “Stop playing around, will you?” Angel is slowly losing her temper.

  “I am not playing around, Angel,” Damien says. “I want you to listen to me.”

  “You are bleeding, Damien Etheridge.” Her gaze lands on Damien’s pair of steel gray eyes. They are the same; looking cold and smoldering at the same time. She once thought she’d love to drown in them, and it looks like she still wants that up to this day. “Let’s get you fixed first. I’m not going anywhere,” she says.

  He’s waited for an eternity for this. Now, that she’s so close to him, Damien does not want to let go. He does not want her to slip right through his hands once again. He wants her all to himself. He wants his lips on hers. He wants Angel to know that he’s not going anywhere as well.

  As soon as Angel stops resisting, Damien loosens his grip. He mounts off her and falls to the bed.

  A deep breath comes out her mouth, and before he does another trick, Angel gets up on her knees and walks towards the bathroom to fetch the first-aid kit.

  When she is about to come back, her phone which has been plugged into the socket rings.

  “Victoria?”

  “Angel, sweetie, I’m calling to inform you about tomorrow.”

  Taking a quick glance at Damien, she turns her back from him and faces the mirror on the bathroom wall.

  “I don’t think I can go,” she says softly.

  “Is it about Damien?”

  “No!” Yes! She wants to tell Victoria badly.

  “You know you can’t avoid him forever,” Victoria says over the phone.

  Yes, she knows. After tonight, Angel does not believe she has the power to avoid him even if she has to hide her feelings again.

  “You have to come tomorrow. It’s for Catriona’s future. It’s going to be her company.”

  “Fine, but Cate can’t. It’s way past her bedtime, and she’s only five.”

  “That’s okay. Your presence is more than enough.”

  And she hangs up. It takes another minute for her to get her composure back.

  When she gets back, Damien’s already standing next to the bed, undoing the buttons of his shirt.

  “I’m all yours now,” Damien utters at the sight of her, tossing his shirt to the couch nearby.

  Angel’s eyes shortly flicker, a bit surprised at what she has just seen. In all honesty, she’s got no clue as to where this night is heading to. Sure, Damien is in front of her, and he might be looking forward to some other things. She hates to admit it, but Angel’s not been with a man for so long, she too longs for caress and warmth. And if that is bound to happen tonight, she only hopes that what she’ll do will not stir regret.

  Reason is telling her to avoid it as much as possible. However, if she is to fail, she only has herself to blame.

  “Don’t expect too much from me,” she said, pertaining of course to her first-aid skills.

  Her eyes go straight to the elongated vertical scar in between his chest, aged and healed by time, when Damien faces her. She wants to see how it looks clearly so she closes in to him. A prick in her heart instantly grows as she gets a clearer view of the scar.

  Reaching for the scar on his chest, Damien notices her sudden interest. He lets her touch him, reservations freed, curiosity piqued. Only an insignificant gap in between them keeps them apart, but Damien still wishes for it to vanish. He wants to get her in his arms, to make her do more than touching him, to feel her breathing so close to him.

  “I took care of it,” he says to her as he watches her feed her curiosity. “Did you ever regret any of this, Angel?” he asks, catching her hand.

  Looking at him, his eyes speaking to her as though pleading to get an answer his heart’s been yearning for, Angel stands on the mounds of her toes, then her lips reach for his.

  The kiss is short—her soft plump lips briefly touch his—but it stunned Damien. Quite more than the answer he expected.

  “That’s for keeping it safe,” she says, her mouth just a few inches away from him. Now, let’s get you fixed.”

  Like a docile lamb, Damien obeys.

  Sitting next to each other on the bed, she begins with dabbing the cotton soaked with disinfectant on the wound on his lower trunk. Even if Damien’s been away, he’s not taken his body for granted. He might perhaps have had the luxury of time spent in the gym as his torso, his shoulders and arms seem bulkier and harder than the last time she’d seen them. The wound is not that deep. He must have gotten it from the shards of glasses from the lamp when he fell down the wall as there are tiny bits of them on his pants. Carefully, Angel examines the wound, making sure she does not press the cotton too hard on his skin to prevent any misplaced pieces from entering.

  “Your fingers are cold,” says Damien almost in a whisper.

  “Must be the disinfectant,” she answers sternly. Her head crammed with doubts. It’s not the disinfectant nor her cold fingers. It’s why she kissed him. Why did she kiss him?

  Right after cleaning the wound and having rid of the blood stain, Angel dabs Betadine on it, and covers it with sterile gauze and a waterproof dressing.

  Damien’s eyes never left her although she is only looking at his wound. He lifts his finger and lightly brushes her rosy cheek which brightens more on his touch. Damien enjoys the fact that Angel responds to it meekly and shyly, like it’s the first time somebody touched her face.

  Looking at him, she feels her face is about to explode.

  “Damien…” her voice cracks. “I think… you should go… I don’t think I’m ready for this…” And she scampers towards the bathroom again, with her eyes shut, tears slowly falling.

  Chapter 45 – Shouldn’t Have Gone

  “There is never time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.”

  The small roll of paper in her fortune cookie reads.

  “Neil Gaiman,” she utters as she rolls the paper back.

  “Well, can’t argue with that,” Ray starts. He is standing in front of the mirror, looking at his own reflection, and admiring the beauty he is. “That’s so you.”

  Rays begins dabbing moisturizer on his face.

  “Listen, if this ship sinks right now, who do you think will Damien save? You or Susan?” He mocks. “I don’t think it’s even a question!”

  Angel sets her eyes on the chiffon fabric of the dress she will be wearing for the gala night tomorrow. Victoria wanted the turn over party to be held in a two-night cruise ship to the Bahamas. Angel and Ray arrived at Queen Mary 2, which was cruising the Sargasso Sea, not less than two hours ago via Victoria’s personal yacht.

  The dress is an Elie Saab couture which Hugo picked for her this morning. It’s a ruby red gown covered in carmine sequins, the V-neck line opens until the waist line.

  “I’m just going out for fresh air,” she says as she reaches for her long fleece robe by the couch. On her sleeping slippers, Angel leaves the suite room. “I won’t be long.”

  “See you in a bit. You need to get your beauty sleep, love,” says Ray, while putting Angel’s cucumber facial mask on his face.

  She trudges down the corridor of the concierge level and into the open terrace by the bow.

  The sky is lit up, stars awake and so bright, the fog sailing with the ship but the wind and cold serene. A few bits of curls falling from her forehead sway as her face meets the gush of wind when she enters the open deck. She has her arms across her chest, rubbing against the fleece robe.

  Her legs stop as she recognizes the voice talking.

  “I appreciate your thoughtfulness. And about the proposal, I will take that into consideration.”

  “Thanks, Victoria…”

  Her gaze meets his, a
nd he too freezes as though a cold jet of wind penetrates through his skin.

  Victoria notices his shock that she follows his gaze, and when she sees Angel as stunned as Damien, she does what she feels is the best thing to do.

  “Angel! We were just talking about something you will definitely love!” And she ambles towards her, then takes her by the arm, and pulls her to where she was standing next to Damien.

  Angel clearly remembers Victoria telling her that Damien will not be arriving until tomorrow night just before the gala party. But what is he exactly doing here, on his white shorts and dirty white polo shirt, and his hair disheveled as though he’s had his fingers rake through them before this conversation with Victoria.

  “I’m just about to leave,” says Damien, taking away his eyes from her.

  “Oh nonsense! You stay here and tell Angel about your brilliant idea,” Victoria insists. “I’ll go see the suite suits Mary.”

  “Victoria…” Angel trying to stop her from leaving.

  “Hush! You’re not teenagers anymore,” Victoria talking like a mother. “Stop this push and pull game. Talk, and settle this indifference.” And she exits the open deck just like that.

  The silence makes it more difficult for the both of them. Angel is raring to go but does she just walk away?

  “You can do whatever you want, Angel,” starts Damien, breaking the cold silence. “You can leave if you want.” He walks toward the steel railing by the end of the deck from where he can see the ocean cutting into ripples as the ship sails forward.

  Hit by his words, Angel feels like she wants to prove him wrong. Prove him she’s not going to do the same thing he did in the past.

  Not her. Not this way… she thought.

  “I’m not running away, if that’s what you think I am going to do,” she says as soon as she’s stands next to him by the railings.

  A smirk—a form of amusement—forms on his face.

  “Is this your way of telling me that you’re not scared? That you’re not a scaredy-cat like me? But not just ready? Is that it, Angel?”

  “Damien, you walked into my room… you climbed over the gates and up to my room like a burglar… How do you want me to take that?”

  “You seemed okay with it. You even kissed me!” his voice slightly raised.

  His words run down deep that she’s lost her voice. She directs her gaze to the unknown horizon, where the world seems endless.

  “Tonight reminds me of that night in the lake, when it was just the two of us. When I had you in my arms; when we watched the night grow deeper; when I kissed you till you fall asleep; when you still loved me… The sky was as bright as that night, as serene as long time ago.” He leans forward against the steel rails, his hands clasped together, his eyes fixed somewhere in the cold dark. “But if I could bring back time, I would choose another time… That night in the hospital when you came to see me after the accident, I was awake. I heard you crying and talking to me. But I didn’t do anything. I was a huge jerk… If only I opened my eyes… If only I grabbed you, and embraced you… and wiped your tears away, none of these would have had happened… None of us would be standing here like this… I wouldn’t be as miserable as I am now… I shouldn’t have left you, Angel. I should not have gone away.”

  “Hunter was the best thing that happened to my life…” she tells him.

  Shaking his head, a dagger pierces right through his heart. It still hurts even though Hunter’s been long gone. And she still loves him. She loves him even though he can no longer love her back.

  “Hunter would do anything to hear that from you…” and so would I, he whispers to himself.

  “And you… You don’t seem like you were all sad those five years I haven’t seen you.”

  “Susan?”

  “She’s beautiful… and smart…”

  “Yes, she is.” A sigh slips out of his throat. “She’s made everything a lot better for me. She was there with me when I had to cry in agony each night, when Hunter’s heart felt like it did not belong to me…” when it wanted to be with you, his head screaming. “Susan was the right one. She was the choice I had to take…” the only choice.

  And if only she was there for him—the thought crosses her mind unknowingly.

  Who knows what kind of battle Damien had to face alone?—the demons of his past; the guilt he carries while he carries Hunter’s heart; and the burden and perplexity the future holds for him.

  Well, he’s got Susan anyway, her senses kicking back in. He was not alone.

  Looking straight into those clear gray eyes with tears threatening to escape, she sees a man who’s been scarred like he’s been in a battle field, like he’s lost his soul and has never found it yet. This was not the man whom she was expecting to see after five years, not the man who kept himself hidden, not the man who only made himself known through the shadows of others.

  It was not easy for her to forget and let go, and she knows the same thing might have happened to Damien.

  “I did not know what I was doing,” he says, his voice so low, she even thought she did not hear him. “Susan kept me in the right direction.”

  “You’ve chosen to walk this road, Damien.” Although it hurts her to say it, she manages to mix it with a little laughter. There can never be a meeting end for the both of them now, she thinks. “I’ve got my own battles to win, and so do you. I wish for you to be happy. Truly… I want you to find the peace you deserve.”

  “What do you know about what can make me happy?” a chortle he makes after. “Is it not clear enough to you, Angel?” Facing her, his eyes burrows into hers. His steel gray pair speaking to her like those days she wishes would come back.

  “If there was another choice, I wouldn’t have chosen this. But there was none. It was only Susan,” he says as his hand reaches for hers that sits on the rail.

  “I know, Damien!” she quickly budges hers away so he can’t touch her. “I know what you’re trying to say. But it can’t just happen. We can’t just happen. Not with Susan expecting so much from you. Not like this. It’s the same thing all over again.”

  Fighting off the tears, she goes on, “It hurts me to know that you love me… but I can’t have you. I want to be with you, but I don’t want to take somebody’s happiness away. I don’t want you to do the same thing I did to you to Susan. You should know better how it felt to be betrayed, to be hurt, to be left behind for someone else.”

  “Angel…” Slowly, he steps forward, moving closer to her, gently grabs both her arms, and pulls her close to his body.

  “Damien… I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me…” Her fingertips follow the outline of his face, studying the feel of his face on her skin, watching how Damien’s gray eyes slowly lit up with wonder. “I should have been there. I should have been with you and not her. I feel guilty thinking about the things you’ve done to me and my family, but I couldn’t do anything for you but hurt you. I’ve been a fool myself as well. I hope it’s not too late to let you know how grateful I am.”

  “I did that because…”

  “I know… I will never question that…” His kidney was her father’s lifeline, and when she learned about it, she wanted to fling herself off the top of the building because of shame. She could only imagine the dreadful things she had told Damien before, and when she remembers them now, she feels sick. “Weren’t you scared though, to lose something that important?”

  “No. Instead I was too scared to lose you, I just needed to do it.” His point finger ridding of the tiny tear falling off her eye.

  Angel tilts her face up so that she levels with him, the gap between them almost nonexistential. He feels her face on his hands, cups it and feels it small and soft. Their foreheads kiss. “It has always been you, Angel.” His voice like a soft gush of warm wind on her cheeks.

  Damien straightens his back, and little by little, his lips reaches for hers. He sees her close her eyes as he nears her. Not a second wasted, his lips touch hers, so g
ently as though he is afraid to break her, as though it is his first time to kiss her.

  “I never stopped.” He pulls back then after that long tender kiss. “I could never stop.” Then he kisses her back again, this time with more power and more passion. “And never will.”

  ***

  Damien shuts the door behind him, and shoves Angel into the wall with both his sweltering arms and his pulsating body. She lets out a sound from her windpipe before he silences her with another full kiss.

  The room is dim, with only the small lamp on the night stand lit up. A bit of an opening from the window lets in the soft gush of cold wind that could not even smother the heat growing inside her.

  She could not think of anything but the pleasure she’s getting from the touch of his lips and the feel of his skin against hers. Damien’s strong hold on her feels like she could just fall in his arms and fly away in this heavenly bliss.

  “Yes…” muttering unrecognizable words, Angel’s legs give away, that Damien has to catch her. She does not want to hold back anymore. She wants him to be hers just like how he wants her to be his, body and soul, every fiber of her being, every ounce of who she is. Holding the back of her head, Damien draws his mouth to hers and showers her with more impassioned and wild kisses, crammed with the desire he’s been keeping for a long time. His ravenous kisses make her remember of those days when she was so stupid to turn a blind eye on Damien’s kindness, when all she had for him was anger over the loss of Hunter, and of how she wished it was him who went away and not Hunter.

  Never in her right mind did she expect this night would happen, not with Damien. All this while, she knew he was keeping himself away from her, keeping his eye on her all the time, lending a hand even when she did not need any of it. She just did not think this day would come when she’d find herself returning his kisses fervently, and making love with the man, who was her first love, her first kiss, her first heart break.

  Life is a cycle, the thought crosses her mind. Her lips smiling as she thinks of all the obstacles they’ve been through. Who would have thought that she’s still end up in Damien’s arms?