by Jessica Ames
I focus on my Scotch, wondering if I should take advantage of all the free pussy in the room and fuck the anger away, getting lost for just a few moments between some bunny’s legs. I’m still seething after seeing Sasha. That bitch is lying to me and it’s pissing me off that I can’t figure out why.
I take a sip of my drink and try to get control of myself. I hate that she can affect me this way, that I can be this out of my mind because of her. I wish she’d never come back. Every time I see her, I struggle between wanting to fuck her and wanting to kill her.
The doors of the common room bang open, drawing my attention. I twist on the stool and see Nox standing there, his fists clenched at his side. His wild eyes roam the room, looking like he’s about to commit an atrocity, before they land on me. I don’t like what I see in his glare. I don’t like the malice he’s directing at me.
My senses go on alert, and I signal to Kyle to turn the music off as I slide off my stool. I’ve known Nox my entire life. I know how he ticks. I know when he’s pissed off, too, and right now he’s spitting fire, the flames of hell burning through him.
His mouth curls into a snarl that has me guarded. I’m not sure where this fucker’s head is at. We don’t match in size, but if we got into it, blood would be drawn, bones would be broken.
“Where is he?” Nox snarls out, each word punching through the tension gathering heavily in the air.
The entire room stops and focuses their attention on the man spewing venom from the doorway. I don’t take my gaze off him, but I can feel my brothers shifting closer, ready to take him down if things get out of hand.
“Where’s who?” I spit out. I’m not happy about the way he’s talking to me, but I can sense something more is going on here, something I want to understand. I’ve seen Nox angry over the years, but this is something else.
“Sin,” he roars. The danger radiating from him is lethal.
Instinct flares to life inside me, warning me to tread carefully here. Whatever is going on, Nox is not level. If his words weren’t an indication, the way he’s flexing his fists and the snarl on his face are.
“Why?”
“I’m going to fucking kill him.”
Old protective urges to keep my little brother safe come to the surface briefly, before they’re doused. I don’t owe that little bastard anything—least of all my protection. I do want to know why one of my best men wants him dead, though.
“Explain,” I demand.
Nox doesn’t. He turns on his heel and strides from the room, but not before he clears a table of glasses with a sweeping of his hand.
What the fuck?
I scrub a hand down my face as Fury comes up off the wall where he’s leaning. I shake my head. I can handle Nox alone and I have the feeling this is not a conversation I want to have with an audience.
My stomach clenches as I jog after him, following the trail of destruction he’s leaving as he stalks through the clubhouse. The brother is moving quickly, with purpose and I can see the demons tailing him as he goes. Whatever has happened it’s big.
He reaches Sin’s door and doesn’t bother to knock. He puts a boot to the door and kicks it in.
The sound of wood splintering is loud in the quiet of the corridor. I glance at the broken shards of wood, my brain struggling to comprehend why he’s so pissed. What the fuck happened between now and earlier?
I step through the mess of the door that looks like shredded firewood, keeping one eye locked on his back.
Nox’s face contorts into a mask of rage as he takes in the crumpled mess of blankets on the bed and the medical supplies littering the bedside table. There are bloodied rags in the trash can, but the air smells stale—like no one has been in here for a few days.
My gaze stops on the drawers of the dresser. They’re pulled open and are empty, as if they were cleared in a hurry.
Nox strides to the wardrobe and yanks the doors open. Then yells a, “Fuck!”
There’s no clothes in there either.
Little bastard. He’s running.
I feel my own rage move to dangerous levels. How the fuck did he get out of the compound?
Someone is going to pay for that.
Nox rounds on me, fisting his fingers into my kutte and slamming me against the wall.
“Where the fuck is he?” Nox demands, his eyes burning fire.
“Take your fucking hands off me before I kill you,” I snarl at him.
He releases me with a shove and steps back, his hands going to the back of his head.
“You find him, Rav, and you find him fast.”
My temper flares at his words, and I push down the monster threatening to surface long enough to snap out a, “Remember who the fuck you’re talking to!”
If this bothers him, he doesn’t show it and that scares me. Nox is loyal. I’d trust him with my life and the life of every man in this clubhouse. Him putting his hands on me, losing control like this, isn’t him.
What the fuck is going on?
Nox runs a hand over his face and I can see him unravelling in front of my eyes. He’s barely keeping his shit together. He points a finger in my direction and growls under his breath, “I’m going to kill him.”
“Threatening another brother without reason could lose you your colours.” I let the warning hang between us. Sin might be on my shit list right now, but the bylaws are still the bylaws. You don’t put hands on another brother with intent to maim or kill without a fucking good reason—like fucking your old lady.
He stands there, hands on hips, staring at the ceiling as if his entire life has just imploded in front of his eyes. Then he dips his head and meets my gaze before grinding out, “That sick bastard raped Sasha.”
The words hang heavily in the silence. I hear them, but I don’t compute them for a moment. When I do, nausea swirls in my gut and pain starts to build behind my eyes. I thought seeing red was just a phrase, but my vision is clouded with crimson.
“That’s why she fucking left! Not because she fucking cheated. He raped her.”
The rage, the fury, the demons I can’t ever exorcise, rise in me at his words.
“What?” I growl out the word, tasting ash on my tongue, the bitterness of a betrayal so vile I can’t even comprehend my brother would do this.
“He fucking raped her,” he repeats.
“You’re lying.” I can’t believe him. Believing him would mean my brother’s death—a brother I raised, a brother I loved. If it’s true, there’s no way in fuck I’m letting him stay breathing. If it’s true, I’ll put a bullet in his head myself.
Thoughts of Sasha before she left dance across my mind—the carefree woman I loved. I see none of that in this new version of her. She’s hard, jaded, pissed at the world.
And now I know why.
If it’s true…
I don’t want to believe it, but I can see the truth in Nox’s stance. He believes it.
“You don’t think I wish it wasn’t true? He’s a brother,” he says, his voice ravaged, “but I heard it from Sasha’s mouth. It’s not a lie.”
My arms fold over my broad chest as I take this in, still not willing to believe it, not willing to deal with the fallout of what that would mean, desperately needing it to be wrong.
“She’s a deceitful bitch. Why the fuck are you believing a word that comes out of her lying whore mouth over a brother?”
Nox’s fist lashes out, landing on my jaw. I see stars for a second as I go back on a foot, my jaw burning from the pressure of the hit.
“You’re a fucking bastard.”
Anger swirls in my gut.
“She fucked my brother. What else am I supposed to call her?”
Nox glares at me like I’m shit under his shoe. “Do you really not remember anything? Has your pride fucking blinded you that much? Sasha would never have betrayed you. We all know it. You know it. She was loyal as fuck to you. You were everything to her. Anyone with a pair of eyes could tell how much she loved you.”
Sasha was loyal. Until she wasn’t. But a tendril of doubt is starting to make its way through me. The way she acted towards Sin, the way she’s acted since she came back. She never once has admitted fucking him either. She always hedged around it.
“If it’s true, why the fuck didn’t she say?”
“Because this was her fear! That you wouldn’t believe her. I watched that woman break down and shatter telling me what happened. She ain’t lying, Rav. He fucking hurt her.” His arms gesture to the empty room. “And if he didn’t do shit, where is he? Why run? He took his beating. It was done. My thoughts are he couldn’t chance you and Sasha talking. He couldn’t risk anyone figuring out what he did. He ran because he’s a fucking lying, betraying piece of shit rapist.”
I don’t trust myself to speak yet. Did Sin do it? Did he rape the woman I loved? Is that why she left?
The pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place and I really don’t like where the hell they’re falling.
My temper fractures and I let my frustration free. I tug over the drawers and then I go to work on beating the shit out of everything I can touch.
When I’m done, I’m breathing heavily, my breath ripping out of me, blood running over my knuckles again. I point at Nox.
“You’re sure about this?”
“Yeah.”
I turn my head away, running my fingers through my hair as I step over the mess to fall into the chair at the side of the bed. This life is dark. It comes with unspeakable crimes and it’s filled with blood. I can handle anything this world throws at me, but not this. Fuck, never this.
He raped my girl. He fucking hurt her and broke her beautiful spirit. All I can see is her scared, destroyed. Was she screaming for me? Calling my name?
He violated her in the worst way.
A lone tear rolls down my face as I look towards Nox.
“What have I done?”
Nox’s voice softens as he says, “Rav… you couldn’t have known.”
I shake my head, climbing over the mess towards the door.
“Where are you going?”
“To see Sasha.”
A storm is starting to brew inside me, building off my fury. An eerie calm comes over me.
“Then I’m going hunting.”
We both know who I’m talking about.
Run, Sin, because I’m coming for you.
12
Sasha
I hold my daughter in my arms for the first time in days. She’s rubbing at her eyes, her exhaustion marring every line in her face. I can’t bear seeing her broken down like this, and it takes everything I have to keep my emotions in check. I have to be strong for her, even though I’m running on empty myself.
Lucy went home an hour ago to shower before she has to head to work. Her company deals with acquisitions of other companies, and although she’s pretty low on the food chain there she loves it. I have no clue how she’s still functioning, but somehow she is. I feel wrecked. I couldn’t do a full day’s work on top of this. She’s super human.
I place Lily-May back in the cot bed and straighten her pyjamas before running a hand over her head. She feels warm, clammy. Waiting for Rav’s test to come back is a special kind of torture. I hope like hell he can help my daughter. The thought he might not be a match sits like a weight in the pit of my stomach, a weight I try to ignore.
The door pushes open behind me and I twist to look. My stomach both flips and clenches as I see Ravage standing in the doorway. Instantly, my guard goes up. The look in his eyes shreds me. There’s pain there, raw pain that hits me in the gut and makes me forget I’m pissed at him.
Last time I saw him he was spitting fire at me, now he looks broken as he stands there, staring at me, as if he’s seeing into the depths of my soul.
I swallow past the lump in my throat, icy claws wrapping around my heart as he takes a step into the room. I can barely breathe as his eyes crawl over my face, looking for what, I don’t know. He must not find it, though, because he pulls his eyes from me and flicks his gaze towards the bed.
I shift slightly, putting my body between my daughter and Rav. I don’t think he’d hurt her, but I can’t get a read on his state of mind right now, and that terrifies me more than if he’d come in here spewing venom. At least then I’d know where I stand.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, my words coming out in a breathy whisper.
Every synapse in my body is snapped to attention, firing electric charges throughout my body.
He doesn’t speak, but moves to the bed. I shift, ready for whatever is about to happen next, but he doesn’t do anything except peer down at her. Lily-May watches him from beneath heavy lids, her long lashes fanning over her cheeks as her eyes shutter closed and sleep claims her. Seeing her with him has my walls start to pull down. Everything in me hopes he’s her daddy, that the filth of my past hasn’t marred my daughter too. It’s an ache that gnaws at my gut until nausea rises in my throat.
“Rav?” His silence has me on edge and I tighten my grip on the rail of the cot. Why the fuck isn’t he speaking?
“Did the results come back yet?” he finally asks, his voice sounding raw. My brows draw together as I try to get a read on him, and fail.
“Tomorrow.”
I watch him cautiously, unsure what his next move will be, but when his eyes come back to mine, I see the remorse, the guilt and cold washes over me.
He knows the truth.
Nox told him what Sin did to me.
My throat constricts as if someone has a hand wrapped around my neck and I struggle to draw breath. He can’t know. No one can.
Filth crawls over my skin as I stand in front of him, laid bare as he sees beneath my carefully crafted walls. They shatter at the same time I do. Tears brim in my eyes before I let them fall.
“You know.” There’s a hint of accusation in my tone, a hint of anger too, although I’m not sure if that’s directed at him or me.
Panic swamps my belly when he doesn’t answer. Does he believe me?
“Nox told you—”
I barely get my words out before I’m dragged into his arms and engulfed by his hard body. I stiffen for a second before I melt against him, smelling his aftershave, the leather of his kutte. All my fear, all my hurt is soothed by the feel of his thick grasp around my body. God, how I’ve missed this. I burrow into his chest, letting my tears fall freely now and he squeezes me tightly against him.
For the first time in years, I feel safe surrounded by him. He chips away at the dirt covering me, just long enough for me to take a lifesaving breath.
My hands snake around his back, clinging to him like I’m scared to let him go. I am. I don’t want to see pity in his eyes. I don’t want him to look at me differently.
His fingers thread into the hair at the nape of my neck, as his nose brushes through the strands on top and he breathes into it.
“I can’t fix what he’s done, but he’ll pay for it. I promise you that,” he assures me on a quiet, but deadly breath.
I tighten my hold on him and press my cheek to his chest. Being back in his arms after all this time feels right, good. I’ve missed him holding me. I’ve missed him touching me. I don’t want this to ever end, but he pulls me back from him and the moment shatters. The warmth from his body disappears, leaving me cold to the bone.
He peers down at me, and with gentleness I’m not sure I deserve, he uses the pad of his thumb to wipe my tears from my cheeks.
“You should have told me.” There’s chastisement in his tone.
“He’s your family. Would you have believed me?” My voice is pitched low, soft, filled with remorse.
He dips his head and presses his lips to my forehead. It’s a gesture that’s intimate and has my eyes closing as I embrace his unspoken words. Rav has never been good at talking about his feelings. He’s a biker. They don’t do emotions, but his actions tell me the depth of feeling he has right now. It tells me how ravaged he is by what he’s learn
t, and more importantly, it tells me he believes me—something Sin said would never happen. I believed that with every painful breath as I walked away, but I should have believed in the man in front of me. Rav has always protected me. Why did Sin’s words have the power to make me doubt him?
That’s when it hits me. Sin made me feel powerless. He took away my safe place and made me doubt the world around me, the men that cared for me. For the first time in my life, he showed me what fear really was, but he was wrong. So fucking wrong.
I spent the past three years, doing it alone, when I could have had Rav at my side. We could have raised Lily-May together.
The thought breaks something inside of me as I remember every time I wished he was there: the fear and pain I felt bringing her into this world, when she took her first steps, when the doctor first told me she was sick…
One question bobs to the surface of my thoughts. Could he ever accept her as his own?
I push that thought into the darkest, deepest of my vaults and shut the door on it. Lily-May can’t help how she was conceived, and I’ll never make my child feel anything but loved. If Rav can’t get on board with that then he has no place in our life.
“Knowing he touched—” He breaks off, gritting his teeth so hard, it makes my own hurt. “It fucking guts me, Sasha.”
His words blanket me in relief as much as they cause me pain. I hate that he’s hurting too. This has to be destroying him, but the fact he believes me unlocks the heaviness in my chest that I’ve carried around for years.
“Rav...” There’s so much weight in that small word, so much I want to say but can’t. “I should have told you. I shouldn’t have believed Sin. It killed me walking away.”
“I know,” is all he says, as if he can see all my thoughts.
“What happens now?” I ask, pulling back slightly so I can peer up at his face.
His mouth pulls into a sneer.
“Now, I find Sin.”
“Find him?” My heart twitches at his words. I take another step back.