by Jessica Ames
I watch Rav’s jaw work. “He took off.”
Panic floods my belly and my breath starts to quicken, but Rav cups my face with his ringed hands. “He’s not going to touch you again—or Lily-May. I promise, I’ll protect you both.”
I want to believe that, I really do, but I thought I was safe in the past and that wasn’t the case. I don’t say this to Rav. He’s barely hanging on as it is, but the thoughts dance across my consciousness.
I’ll never be safe while Sin is out there.
And neither will my daughter.
13
Ravage
Seeing Sasha break is like a blade to the gut, twisted deep inside me. I didn’t expect her tears. Each one is like a bullet to the heart. She’s always been so strong, but the woman in front of me now is nothing like the woman who left me. She’s harder in many ways. Her eyes are filled with distrust, hurt mixing with her fear, but there’s a vulnerability there that I never noticed before.
I didn’t want to believe my brother could be capable of the things he did to her. I didn’t think he could be so sick and fucking twisted. Sash can hide a lot of things behind the walls she’s put up, but the tears that fell down her cheeks don’t lie. The way her fucking body trembled in my arms couldn’t be faked or forced. As much as I don’t want to believe that the boy I raised is a fucking rapist, I know he did it. Everything in my gut is telling me he’s guilty, that he laid his hands on her. I can see the truth in her eyes. I don’t know how I missed it before. I recognise the newly formed demons in hers, because they match the ones in mine. I never wanted my girl to have any monsters in her life, and I led this monster to her front door. I’ll never forgive myself.
Uncertainty clings to her as she peers up at me, searching for direction on where we go next. I’m not sure of that either. How can she look at me and not see his fucking face?
One thing I am sure of is Sin will die for this.
Blood or not, he took something that can’t be given back, and he took it without remorse. He lied, covered it up and then ran like the coward he is. Sasha’s spirit is broken, she’s no longer the carefree version I remember, something he’ll pay for. Every tear he made her shed, all the pain he caused her that day will be taken out of his flesh a piece at a time. It won’t be a mercy killing. I won’t put a bullet in his brain. I’ll take him to hell and bring him back again. He’ll plead for me to end him. He’ll cry for leniency, and I won’t give it.
Holding her in my arms again felt like coming home. I was able to push my own pain down, forget the shit I’ve seen and done over the years and stand in front of her, feeling whole for the first time in a long time. I was able to breathe again. She soothes the beast that rages inside me, quietening my mind in a way I haven’t had since I last held her.
As soon as I touched her, I was certain of one thing: I’m not letting her go again.
Sasha is mine, and I’m going to make her mine again no matter what it takes. I’ll do what I should have done three years ago—I’ll fight for her.
Forgiveness is not something I deserve, but it’s something I’m going to earn. I don’t know how I can make it up to her, but I’ll find a way. Killing my brother is the first step to recovery. Knowing he can never hurt her again will go some way to calming the anger that burns in my veins.
I peer down at the woman who was once my everything, wondering if she can become that again, if she’ll let me make her that again. Things have changed and I don’t know if we can slip back into the roles we held, but I want to. I spent three years angry at the wrong person, three years hating a woman who went through hell. That makes my anger at my brother grow. He caused that. His deception made me lose sight of the truth I always knew deep down—Sasha wouldn’t have left me without a reason, and now I know that reason.
Part of me wants to pick up where we left off, but I know that can’t happen. Trust has to be rebuilt, bridges that were once burnt need to be reconstructed. Can we fix this? I don’t know, but I sure as fuck want to try.
Judging from her reactions, I think she does too. I don’t miss how her breath hitches when she meets my gaze, or the rapid rise and fall of her chest. Eyes full of uncertainty scan my face, waiting for my next move, and I hate that I’ve made her unsure. I don’t want her fear. I never want that, not from her.
But behind the fear is something else, something I recognise instantly. A burning desire that matches my own.
She still wants me. It might be lust, but I’ll make her fall in love with me again. I let her walk away three years ago. I won’t make that same mistake. Sasha is my girl, my everything.
I tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear before cupping her face and drawing her forehead to mine. The need to touch her snaps through my fingers, making me twitchy.
“I’ll make this right,” I pledge again, my voice raw. I mean every word of it.
But her head shakes as she blows out a shuddering breath. “You can’t fix this.”
She speaks the words so softly, I can barely hear her. They tear a hole in my chest that makes it difficult to draw in air. In my life, I’ve been captured, tortured, but nothing has ever felt as painful as those words falling from her lips.
I don’t say anything else. I dip my head, bringing my mouth inches from hers, our breaths mixing.
I want to kiss her and let all my emotions bleed through that one gesture, but she pulls away and I let her go, even though it goes against every instinct to allow it.
Our fingers slip through each other’s like sand in an hourglass, and I watch as she moves to the bed, running her fingers through her daughter’s hair—a daughter that could be mine.
I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of being a father, but every time I think about Lily-May being mine a surge of protectiveness scorches through me. My need to keep them both safe is on hyperdrive right now. Nothing and no one will touch them. They’re mine.
With that thought, I shift my gaze to Lily-May. Daughter or niece, it doesn’t matter to me. Lily-May is still blood and she’s mine, just like her mother.
My anger flares as I think of Sin touching Sasha, defiling her.
As if sensing the path my thoughts have taken, Sasha says, “What happened is in the past. It needs to stay there.”
I watch her gentleness with Lily-May as she strokes a finger over her chubby toddler cheek. I don’t want to cut through the moment, but I shake my head.
“Wrong. You think I’m just going to roll over and let him get away with it?” I take a deep breath and try to curb all my anger for when it’s needed. “This won’t be buried until he is.” This isn’t in the past for me. It’s very much our present right now, and it’s consuming my every thought. “Sin isn’t going to get away with what he did. He touched…” I break off, the words sticking in my throat. I still can’t say it. “He hurt you. That can’t go unpunished.”
“He did all those things, but he did it to me, Rav. He’s still your brother, the one you raised, looked after. Can you really end him? Stand in front of him and put a bullet in him? Nox should never have said anything.”
I bend at the waist, so I’m at her eye level. “He stopped being family the moment he took what didn’t belong to him! The moment he hurt you he knew his pathetic life was over, so yes, I can end him. I’m going to bleed him for what he’s done.” I grind my jaw together, speaking deathly low. “You should have told me, not Nox.”
She lifts her chin and I see some of that hardness in her gaze as those walls I brought down a moment ago shoot back up.
“You wouldn’t have been ready to hear it, and you not believing me would have killed me more than what that bastard did to me.”
A new anger pumps through me. How can she think I would take his side? Did she not see how fucking pussy whipped I was over her back then? She walked on water for me. I fucking loved her.
I still love her, if I’m being honest.
That never changed. Even when I was pissed at her and hating her, I loved her dee
p down. I don’t believe in fate or any of that shit, but I know she’s the only woman for me. She’s the only woman who could open my heart, the only one I could love.
It guts me to know she had to go through this, that she had to deal with the fallout of what Sin did alone. She’ll never have to do anything by herself again. Now, she has the club—she has me.
I dip my head to meet her eyes.
“I’ll have a prospect on the door within the hour.”
“You’re leaving?” I hate that there’s fear in her voice, even though she does her best to hide it.
“I need to, sweetheart. You won’t be alone.”
She’ll never be alone again.
With a lingering look, I step through the door. It kills me to walk away from her, but right now I have a more important objective—finding Sin and protecting Sasha and Lily-May. Then, I can get my family back.
14
Sasha
My conversation with Ravage leaves me reeling. He was angry, but beneath the anger was hurt and the old flame of desire I’ve dreamed of seeing again since I returned to Kessington. He wants me still, and that confuses me. How could he want someone like me? The filth that covers me will never wash off and I don’t want to soil him with my dirt. Living in this world, I know there are two things capable of bringing a man like Rav to their knees—death and their woman getting hurt. He’s in pain right now and it slices through my gut knowing that. I’ve had three years to come to terms with what happened to me. He’s going to need a little time to wrap his head around it.
As I sit at my daughter’s bedside, I feel numb. I don’t want people to know what was done to me. I don’t want people to look at me like I’m damaged goods. I don’t want to see the pity in their eyes. I’m swimming in dirt and nothing will change that.
I peer at my child. The love I have for her is unrivalled by any other. I don’t care how she came into this world. She’s mine, and nothing changes that—not what was done to me and not the trauma of how she was created, if Sin is her father. I still hold onto the hope that she’s Rav’s, not because it would change anything for me, but because it would be better for her. I know with every breath in my body that he would protect her with his last breath, if he’s her father. She’d have the protection of the club too. He wouldn’t let anything touch her. He would slay her dragons and keep the monsters away.
Sin is the complete opposite. He made me believe I was worthless, that no one would believe me. He was wrong. So fucking wrong.
Nox and Rav both believe what happened to me and he’ll get what’s coming to him. I see the truth in Rav’s eyes when he says he’s going to make Sin pay. I fully believe he’ll send Sin to hell with a smile on his face. I should feel bad about being the reason a life will have ended, but I don’t. Sin took something from me I can never replace. He took my sense of security, my safety and tore it away. He made me realise I’m vulnerable, and that I can be hurt in ways so vile it leaves lasting scars that brand my soul.
I know this is hard for Rav. I can see it in his eyes. He loves his brother. He was more a father than a sibling to him growing up, so I can imagine how much this is hurting him. I hate that I inflicted that on him. For all our problems, I never wanted to hurt Rav, but I can’t change what happened either. All I can do is live with it.
Having him back in my life is confusing. I don’t know where I stand with him now that he knows. I do know I saw a flicker of the old Tyler behind his eyes when he held me. There was something more there that I haven’t seen since I’ve been back. He needs me, as if I’m the balm to his tortured soul.
My feelings are a jumbled mess and I have no idea how to work through them. I don’t blame his initial anger towards me. I left one day without a word or a reason. Rav puts on a front, but beneath that hardness, he’s still that little kid who was betrayed by his mother, and left to fend for himself by his father. Betrayal is not something he can handle. If he trusts, he does it fully, and he trusted me, opened himself completely to me. What I did, he saw that as a disloyalty, but I can’t help from being hurt by his actions. The fire he’s spewed at me since I got back hasn’t been easy to take, even if I understand it.
I can’t help my fury towards him either.
He was the one who was supposed to know me best. He was the one who was supposed to defend me. He was my safe place. I needed him to be the strong one.
What cuts me the deepest is I would have fought for him. If things had been the other way around, I would have gone to the ends of the earth to work out why he left, but he didn’t fight for me. That thought sits in my gut like a cancer, rotting everything it touches. It makes all my doubts dance to the forefront and erodes my trust in him. It makes some of Sin’s words ring true. He made me feel worthless and in Rav’s eyes that’s what I became—another nameless face.
At least until I was in his embrace again. Then all the worries and all the anger fell silent. I felt the shift between us the moment he wrapped those strong, bulky arms around me and I forgot I was just as angry at him as he was at me. I forgot he also walked away. The world around us disappeared.
All I could think was I was finally home.
The baggage I’m dragging behind me doesn’t make things easy. We can’t just go back to Sasha and Tyler. We’re no longer the same people. I’m not sure who he is anymore. He’s different, even as he’s the same. I’m a new version of the old Sasha, and I’m not sure he’ll like who I’ve become. Half the time, I’m not sure I like who I’ve become.
There’s no softness in me now, unless it’s for my daughter. I don't know that I’m capable of letting him in, of trusting him again. We can’t just pick up where we left off.
My dark tormented thoughts are scattered by a knocking on the door. I peer up at the clock and realise it’s been over thirty minutes since Rav left. Thirty minutes I’ve been sitting with my thoughts tumbling around my head, creating new wounds and opening new hurts.
“Yeah?” I say and watch as the door opens. The prospect from the gate a few days earlier sticks his head through the frame.
“Rav sent me. I’m just outside if you need anything.”
I have no intention of having the club run around after me, but it does ease some of the tension settling in my chest knowing someone here will have my back and make sure I’m safe. Not knowing where Sin is has fear clawing up my spine. I’m not sure he’d be brazen enough to come to the hospital. Then again, I never thought he’d be brazen enough to rape me in mine and Rav’s home.
“Thanks, uh…?”
“Zack,” he supplies.
“I’m—”
“Sasha. I remember.”
I give him a half smile that doesn’t reach my eyes, then return my attention to my baby. I’m grateful Lily-May slept through all of that, that she didn’t need to hear any foulness. Nothing will touch her or soil her ever.
Not even the sins of my past.
15
Ravage
I don’t head directly back to the clubhouse, but take a detour to Kessington’s high street or what’s left of it. Most of it is boarded up, but there are a few stores that still remain. The roads are busy, and I weave through the traffic, lane splitting to avoid getting stuck behind the cages.
My head is swimming with everything I’ve learnt. I can barely see through the film of rage that is clouding my vision. I have no idea where to start looking for my brother, but I meant it when I said I was going hunting. He’s a dead man walking. This violation will not go unpunished. I’m going to bleed that little fucker dry and then I’m going to dump his body in the woods where no one will ever find him. It’s better than he deserves for what he’s done.
Seeing Sasha break in my arms is a sight that will haunt my steps for the rest of my life. It was more than a knife to my belly. It was an axe to my heart. For that alone, Sin will pay.
I pull my bike into a space at the side of the road, cut the engine and kick the stand down before tugging the black and white skull ban
danna off my face and pulling my helmet off my head.
Dark thoughts circle my brain, dark thoughts that I never thought I’d have about my own flesh and blood. Then again, I never imagined my little brother would be capable of such a disgusting act. We walk a tightrope between shadow and darkness, but what he’s done is pitch-black. He stole something that can’t ever be replaced. Sasha will never be the same because of what he did to her, and knowing that burns through my veins like acid.
I hate my brother for what he’s done, for putting me in this position. I don’t threaten to take him to his grave lightly, but letting him get away with it isn’t an option either. If I’m forced to choose between my loyalty to family or my loyalty to Sasha, I’ll choose her every time. He was the one who wronged her. I don’t understand how the boy I raised could do this, and that freaks me the fuck out. I thought I was good at reading people. Clearly not.
I climb off the bike and head into the nearest store, ignoring the looks directed at me. I’m used to people being wary or interested. I don’t give a fuck as long as they stay out of my way.
When I step into the store, my eyes automatically scan the space for threats. There’s only a middle-aged woman, who makes a dash for the exit, and the store clerk, so I move over to the kids’ section.
What the hell does a kid need?
I scan the shelves, and come up empty until I hit the pyjamas section. There, I find a set of PJ’s with little motorcycles on them. I grin as I pick them up, feeling the soft material between my thick calloused hands.
She would look cute as fuck in these.
I stride to the register to pay, ignoring how the cashier peers up at me through frightened eyes and shakily puts the item through the scanner. I hand over a couple of notes and tell her to keep the change.
When I head out to my bike, I see a crowd of younger lads gathered around it, eyes wide as they coo over the chrome. I don’t blame them. My bike is a thing of beauty. It’s a Harley Fat Boy with a custom paint job, the Untamed Sons insignia painted on the fuel tank. The rims glimmer in the sunshine as I approach and they part like the Red Sea to let me through.