by Jessica Ames
I step into her space, forcing her head to tip back, so she can meet my eyes. I caress her cheek, relishing the feel of her soft skin beneath my rough fingers.
“We both know that’s not true.”
“Rav—”
“Don’t argue with me, woman. You and that kid are mine and that makes your shit my shit.”
She nibbles at her bottom lip and my mouth goes Sahara-dry. Does she know what she does to me?
“We can’t just pick up where we left off.”
“I know.”
“I’m not the same person I was back then. Neither are you.”
“I know that too.”
I watch as she huffs out a low breath, her fingers raking through her hair. I wish it was my hands, my fingers. “I need time to digest this shit.”
“You can have all the time you want, but it ain’t going to make any difference. You’re mine. Both of you.”
She needs to realise I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave her to deal with this shit alone. Not this time, but if she needs to feel in control, I’ll give her that. I’ll give her anything she fucking wants. I have three years to make up for. It gores me knowing that I’m the one who has caused that hesitancy in her eyes, that uncertainty that I hate seeing. I don’t know how I break through her walls, but I’ll find a way because I won’t let her walk away again.
She peers up at me and I want to take her mouth, claim her, show her who she belongs to, but I don’t. She’s not ready to go there—yet.
When she is, I’ll be waiting.
“What about the paternity test?” I ask, needing to know.
Just like that her smile is wiped off her face. I hate that desolate look in her eyes as memories plague her, but it has to be done. She needs to know Lily-May is mine for sure. It’s the only way to lay her demons to rest. Not knowing is slowly killing her piece by piece.
When she doesn’t answer, I add, “I know why you don’t want to do one, but I know she’s mine.”
It’s selfish as fuck to push her for this, but she needs it. We both do.
“You can’t know that.” Her voice comes out little more than a whisper.
I thump my chest. “I feel it in here. She’s fucking mine.”
“If you think that then why do it?” Her anger flares as her emotions overwhelm her. I can see the tight lines of her body as she fists her hands at her sides, trying and failing to maintain control.
“Because you need to have closure.”
My strong girl is struggling to keep a grip here and I trail my fingers down her cheek.
She peers up at me, her teeth gritting. “I don’t care who her father is.”
I don’t believe that for a second.
“Yeah, you do, sweetheart. Just think about it.”
I can see the cogs working in her brain as she nods. My thoughts scatter as there’s a knock on the door. A nurse pushes into the room, her expression filled with apology.
“The doctor’s ready to see you now.”
My gut rolls. Time to find out if I can save Lily-May’s life.
18
Sasha
The walk down the corridor to the doctor’s office feels like I’m taking the green mile to the execution chamber. My steps falter and if it wasn’t for Rav steadying me, I would fold like wet cardboard. My pulse is galloping, my mouth is dry and my head is dizzied.
As soon as we step into the room, I know bad news is coming. I can see it in the tight set of Dr Harking’s shoulders, the sadness clouding his eyes, as he waits for us to take our seats in front of his desk. My neck feels hot, clammy and my stomach starts to churn as icy fingers twist my gut.
Rav’s fingers curl around mine as we take a seat in the two chairs in front of the desk, his calloused palms scraping over mine. I squeeze his hand back, trying to communicate what I can’t say in words—that I’m grateful for him being here. And I am. His touch grounds me, keeps my feet rooted to the floor as my world readies itself for the bottom to fall out of it again.
I watch the doctor steel himself, then he delivers the crushing blow. “I’m sorry to say, you’re not a full match, Mr Jenkins.”
Dr Harking’s words stab at my chest, making it hard to draw air past the lump in my throat. Lily-May’s last chance of survival is going up in flames and I can hardly breathe. Every inhalation is more painful than the last. All this heartache, reliving the painful steps of my past, of facing my rapist and chasing my demons has been for nothing.
Rav isn’t a match.
My hand covers my mouth as bile races up my throat. This can’t be happening. I lean forward in the chair, trying to drag in a lungful of air and failing. Rav’s hand goes to the back of my neck, squeezing tightly, trying to assure me he’s here. I suck in a breath, feeling light-headed.
“Please, don’t feel like everything is lost,” the doctor says. “We still have the results to come through from your friends. Perhaps one of them will match fully. If not, we’re still searching the national database. People are added to it every day. There’s still also the option to use a partial match from you or Mr Jenkins.”
I’m going to vomit.
I take a deep gulp of air in and try to control my stomach, which is roiling viciously. My skin crawls, a trail of fire licking its way over me. I scrub at my arms, trying to stop the sensation, but it doesn’t help.
“I’ll give you both a moment,” the doctor finally says, as if sensing his presence is intruding on a deeply personal moment.
I hear the door snick shut behind me and then I lose it. Tears brim in my eyes before spilling down my cheeks. I try to hold back a sob, but it rips out of me. It sounds loud in the silence of the room.
“Fuck,” Rav yells.
I peer up at him. His face is a pale mask of anger and I can see he’s barely keeping his shit together. His fists clench and unclench at his side, itching to take the rage building in him out on something physically. He’s holding on by a thread, I can see it, but I see the strength there too as he tries to keep it together to help me.
He moves in front of the chair, crouching in front of me. His hands lock around mine.
“I’ll fix this,” he promises me.
“How?”
“I’ll fucking fix it,” he repeats, as if there’s no option but to make this right.
“How!” I scream in his face, sobbing as I do.
He grabs my cheeks and his touch brings me back to reality for a moment. Then he pulls me against his chest. I go willingly, unable to stop my tears.
“I’ll find a way to make this better.”
I cling to his kutte, my knuckles whitening. “This was her last chance. She’s so tired, Rav.”
I watch as he flinches away from my words, as if he’s been physically punched in the gut. He shakes his head, denial written in every line of his face.
“I just got you both back. I’m not losing—” He cuts himself off.
Something the doctor said, suddenly pricks at the back of my mind. He said he’s not a full match.
I grab at Rav.
“Get the doctor back.”
“Babe…”
I push up and shove past him to the door, dragging it open. Dr Harking is standing at the nurses’ station and glances up as the door opens. I move to him, Rav on my heels.
“You said he wasn’t a full match.”
“Both parents are always at least half matches. They carry four out of eight markers needed to be considered for a successful transplant. Our hope was that Mr Jenkins would be a full match, not a half. We can transplant marrow from either you or Mr Jenkins, but as I’ve told you before there are risks with a partial match. There’s an increased chance the marrow won’t engraft and there’s potential for infection afterwards. It’s better to have a full match, which is what we’ll look for, but if necessary, we can transplant from either of you.”
I ignore everything he said, but the first part. I know it by heart. I’ve heard it a thousand times. I’ve read every piec
e of information out there on my daughter’s condition.
Hope surges in me as I dare to ask, “Both parents?” I hold my breath. “Rav—Mr Jenkins—is her father?”
The doctor’s brows draw together as his eyes dart between us, sensing he’s stumbled into something more here. “Biological parents are always a half match to their children. He half matched… but I can’t say for sure he’s her father.”
My breath catches in my throat. It’s good enough for me, and I want to believe it so badly. I need to believe it. I spin to Rav, grabbing his biceps and clinging to him with a desperation that catches me off guard.
“You’re her father.” My lip quivers as tears stream down my cheeks.
He peers down at me and I see the tears shimmering in his own eyes. “I told you that.”
“But it’s official. You couldn’t share those markers if you weren’t. Biological parents have half the markers. You’re her daddy.”
I’m grasping at straws, but I don’t care. It might be coincidence he shares those markers. It might mean something else, but I take a full breath for the first time in minutes, gulping down air like a thirsty survivor of a drought.
“He said possibly, not definitely. I still want that test, Sash. You need to know for sure.”
The weight in my chest has eased, allowing me to breathe freely for the first time in years. It’s the closest I have to proof Rav is her father and I cling to it fiercely.
“Okay.”
He pulls me into his arms, squeezing me, his hand going to the back of my neck, collaring my nape.
“I’ll make this right,” he tells me, and I’m not sure if he’s talking about Lily-May, Sin or both.
He dips his head and presses his mouth to mine. I forget about the doctor, the nurses, that we’re in a public corridor. All my thoughts are locked on the strong man holding me and taking me, a man who was once my everything, a man I wish would become that again.
Forgiveness isn’t something that comes easily to me, but I also can’t be angry at Rav forever. He didn’t know the full story about why I left. He had every right to be pissed. Since he found out what Sin did to me, he’s gone out of his way to be here for me and Lily-May. Because of that I find my resolve to keep away from him weakening. Even if I wanted him out of my life, I know he’d never go—not now. Lily-May is his, and he’ll never walk away from his child.
His mouth moves over mine, taking, devouring me as if I’m his reason for breathing, and I let him. I need this. I need him. My legs feel shaky as he presses his body against mine, my heart fluttering wildly in my chest. This is the Rav I remember. The Rav I fell in love with. My Tyler.
When he pulls back, he’s breathless, but so am I. Dazed, I peer up at him, blinking to clear my dizzied vision.
“Rav…”
“Ty, baby. You call me Ty.”
My heart soars at this. It’s an acceptance, one I’ve been desperately craving. It feels like a win in a game I’m stacked to lose.
“Tyler,” I try his name on my tongue, liking how it feels, watching the effect it has over him.
The doctor clears his throat, and I put a hand on Ty’s arm as he steps towards him menacingly. He stops, just about.
“I’ve put a rush on the other results. Please, be prepared the news might not be what you hope for. There’s a very slim chance of a stranger being a match, one in a million, though it does happen.”
Glacial cold sweeps through my belly at his words.
“If we can’t find a match?” Ty asks.
“Then we have to risk the half-match, taking bone marrow from you or Miss Montgomery. As I mentioned, this is risky, but it’s the only choice we might have.”
I knew that could be an option. It was why I went to find Ty and Sin. I’ve read everything there is to read on this disease and its treatment and I knew there was a slim chance one of them could match her more closely than me, though it was more likely they would also be a half match. A slim chance was better than no chance and I’d do anything to give Lily-May the best opportunity of survival, including pulling all my demons out of the closet for the world to see.
“All we can do is wait for the other tests to come back and see where we go from there,” the doctor tells us.
“Thank you.”
Ty pulls me away from the desk and into a corner of the corridor.
“There’s still hope,” he tells me and I rake my fingers through my hair, quiet desperation making my movements jerky.
“Taking from me or you isn’t ideal. It reduces the chances of the transplant taking.”
“But it’s still an option.” He kisses me. “That’s all she needs—options.”
I lean my head against his chest, gripping the lapels of his kutte. “Thank you, for being here today. I don’t think I could have got through this alone.”
“You’ll never be alone again, Sash.”
His words warm me and I peer up at him. “You’re her father.”
“She was mine anyway, I told you this.”
“She’s not Sin’s.” I let my tears fall, relief making my walls tumble. “She can’t be if you are compatible with her. Parents always have half of the markers of the child.”
I’m rambling, but I don’t care. I feel like the world has been lifted off my back, letting me stand straight for the first time in years.
“You’re both mine, and I’m going to spend however long it takes showing you that.”
19
Ravage
I pay a small fortune to a private lab on the other side of London to do the paternity test. They can have the results back in a week, which is the reason I chose them. I don’t want Sasha waiting longer than she has to. She needs this issue put to bed, and fast. The relief in her when she thought I was Lily-May’s father cut a hole in my chest and tore out my heart. She needs to know for sure. It’s the only way she can heal and start to rebuild her life.
I don’t need the test to know the truth. Lily-May is mine. I feel it in my bones. I want Sasha to be sure, though. She needs this closure. Even if the test says I’m not, which I doubt, I am this child’s father. I’ll raise her as mine. She’ll never know the truth of how she came into this world.
One look at that little girl and I was smitten. She fills a place in my heart I didn’t know needed filling, but it seems like it was reserved for her. Even so, I can’t help but feel I fell at the first hurdle—saving my daughter’s life. I needed that bone marrow test to match me. Being only a partial match is no use to my child. It shreds me that I can’t be the one to ride in and save the day, prove I’m worthy of this little girl who has already claimed me. I just fucking pray one of my brothers will be the one in a million the doctor said we need. They have to be, because Lily-May’s chance of survival diminishes if we can’t find a full match. Sasha leaving me changed me in ways I can never fix, but losing my daughter will bring me to my knees.
It’s early when I walk through the common room. The quiet is the opposite of the normal chaos that exists here. It’s not empty, though. On one of the sofas, I see Levi is asleep, a body lying on top of him. The swath of blonde hair tells me it’s most likely Noelle. She’s wearing just a thong, the globes of her arse cheeks sticking up like two voluminous round mountains, and her bare breasts are pressed against his chest. Neither of them stir as I cross the floor to the bar and move around the back of it. I grab a soft drink from the fridge, opening it and swigging back a mouthful.
I want to get back to the hospital as soon as possible this morning. I tried to convince Sasha to leave last night, to get some rest and eat properly, but she refused, and I don’t want to push her yet. Every day she opens herself more and more to me and the trust between us is growing again.
I wouldn’t have left her, but I still have hunting to do. I still have to find my fucking brother. He continues to evade us, which makes my gut churn with fire. I need him found. I need to put an end to the mess he created. Sasha will be able to breathe a little easier with hi
m gone.
I didn’t leave Sasha alone at the hospital. Kyle is with her and her friend, Lucy, is there too. I’ve made sure she has a constant stream of brothers, just in case Sin decides to show up. I don’t think he’d have the balls, but who knows where his head is at right now. I’m not willing to risk Sasha and Lily-May’s safety.
I hear the door open and glance up as Fury strides in, clutching Zack by the back of his kutte.
I see the demons rising in his eyes as he readies himself for whatever action I demand and I don’t miss the blade he’s clutching in his right hand, ready to slide into the prospect if I say so. His eyes are a little crazy this morning, and the bags under them make me wonder if he’s been to sleep yet.
As Fury stops in front of me, he doesn’t say a word, just stares at me. The steadily forming bruises and blood dripping from his nose tells me Fury has already let some of his pent-up energy out on Zack and is waiting for confirmation he can inflict more damage.
I break the stalemate. “He’s who let Sin out of the compound?”
Fury nods.
I place my coke bottle on the top of the bar, then ram my balled-up fist into Zack’s gut hard enough to lift him off his feet.
He doubles over, gasping for breath, holding himself around the middle as he tries to draw air into his lungs.
He doesn’t try to defend himself or explain. Like a good little soldier, he doesn’t make up any fucking excuses for what he did, but I want an explanation from him. I want to know why he allowed my brother to gain freedom, putting Sasha and my daughter at risk.
“Why?” I hiss out.
“No one said he couldn’t leave,” Zack swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing and I’m impressed at his backbone as he faces me off. I don’t need shrinking violets in my club. I need strong brothers who I know will always have my back. “He’s a patched brother.”
“Was a patched brother,” I correct, letting go of some of my anger.
I fucked up here, not Zack. He’s done everything he’s been taught to do, and has even taken a beating for it. He couldn’t have questioned Sin. His place is below a patched brother. My fuck up was not telling anyone Sin wasn’t allowed to leave. That shit lands on my door, but my head had been a mess after Sasha dropped the bomb about my brother.