Psyche Shield

by Chrissie Buhr

  “I wouldn’t be too sure of that,” Sierra replied impulsively and then stopped herself, feeling like she’d spoken out of place. Billie cocked her head questioningly, a few red curls falling from her clip to frame her face. She’d become comfortable enough with us to speak her mind but questioned the wisdom of it afterwards. “I don’t know anything. It was just an impression. I thought she was up to something.”

  Amy waved it off. “Adrienne’s always up to something. Usually it’s about a man. Sometimes a married man. She sticks to domestic troublemaking.”

  Sierra nodded neutrally, unconvinced. “I have a question. Do any of you work?”

  I grimaced at the topic. “Not anymore.”

  “What happened?”

  “Cassandra happened. After I scared the shit out of Gary, I knew things were about to explode. I left in the middle of a shift and skipped town because a pack of Wolves wanted me dead. There’s no doctor’s note for that scenario. When I returned, I didn’t have a job anymore.”

  “That would be hard to explain.” Sierra gave me an empathetic look.

  Amy enlightened us as to why she had such an unusual amount of free time. I’d wondered too but hadn’t asked. “I took some personal leave. Too many injured Wolves to spend my time on an ambulance right now.”

  Billie answered for herself and others. “I’m the CPA for Richard’s law firm. I’ll catch up when this is all over. Jason runs a security company that employs some of the Wolves, like Phil and Matthew. He can free them up quickly if they’re needed. We’ve become pretty independent.”

  “That must be nice. Most of us have regular jobs in the Human world.”

  “It’s easier to stay hidden this way. What do you do?” Billie asked.

  “I hike around the wilderness and file reports to the US Forest Service on my findings.” She quirked her mouth. “There’s more to it, but that’s what it feels like most days. It keeps me outside.”

  “And away from people?” I probed with a knowing smile. I’d grown accustomed to showing my perceptive nature. Before my life with Billie, I’d carefully avoided showing how much I noticed or what I could do. I still hid the extent of my abilities, but not nearly as much as when I lived among Humans. My mental powers bothered many of the Wolves, but we were figuring it out openly.

  Sierra nodded cautiously, uncertain how much she should say or wanted to say. “Yes. I have a pack, but I don’t spend a lot of time with them. I’m too disruptive and I think they know I’m doing it somehow. I hope that changes.”

  “It will.” I showed my confidence. “You really don’t see your improvement?”

  “It’s easier when Kathryn or Kato are around. I don’t know yet how I’ll do when they’re not.”

  “Anyone feel like explaining?” Amy interjected, unable to figure out the topic let alone follow the conversation.

  Sierra glanced questioningly at me. I apologized. “Sorry, I should have asked before I brought it up. It’s not a big deal anymore.”

  “What changed?”

  “It wasn’t just about Kathryn’s privacy, though that partly was true too. When you first arrived, I still made a lot of people around here uncomfortable. Kato advised us not to say anything, but I’m Pack now.”

  She nodded, discerning the complexities of our pack politics quickly. “Having someone else around making them nervous would have made it more difficult for them to accept you.”

  “Am I invisible?” Amy blew past irritated, and steam had begun to trickle out of her ears.

  “No,” Sierra told her evenly. “You’re not invisible. I apologize. They call me a Sender. I project my emotions onto other people. I have a habit of making a bad situation worse. Kathryn is teaching me to control it.”

  “Is that how Kathryn does it?” Amy asked us eagerly, her anger gone as soon as Sierra answered her question. “She’s magic in a bad situation.”

  “Yes,” Billie answered. “It’s similar to being a Sensitive.”

  Amy’s face fell. “Why does Kathryn hide so much from me? We’ve been friends for decades.”

  Billie cast a reassuring look at her friend. “Kathryn is extremely private. She’d rather none of us knew a lot of what we’re discovering about her.”

  “Why?” Amy wanted to know. Unusually open about her own life, she didn’t understand secrets, particularly between friends. She didn’t keep secrets about herself from anyone, as her new mate had discovered. He spent a great deal of time blushing.

  Sierra explained. “The past is very painful for her, and others feel what we feel. What you don’t know can’t come up unexpectedly. No surprises that could affect the people around her. I’m seeing how useful that is.”

  “I can keep my mouth shut,” Amy promised, and our laughter filled the backyard. “What? I can!”

  Billie’s phone beeped softly as it had all afternoon as she took care of Pack business from home. Her reaction to the most recent message caught my attention. What’s up?

  Matthew’s on his way.

  Is that bad? I asked, surprised at her response.

  No. But it’s not relaxing, and I’m enjoying myself. She frowned and told the others.

  As Matthew approached, I tried to contain my nervousness and failed. Unable to sit still any longer, I took requests for food and drinks. Matthew walked in the front door as I gathered coffee, water, and snacks onto a tray. “Billie’s out back. Do you want anything?”

  He shook his head and headed wordlessly outside, holding me at arm’s length as he did with everyone. I followed and placed the tray on the patio table for the Wolves to enjoy. Billie’s relaxed mood disappeared with Matthew’s arrival, and they discussed matters of security and strategy. Matthew sported barely worn jeans and a plain black T-shirt. With his military haircut and powerful stance, he intimidated nearly everyone. Yet somehow Billie looked mightier despite wearing a thin robe and sitting in a lawn chair.

  Amy and Sierra listened to their conversation intently while I tried unsuccessfully to ignore them. Listening to the birds singing in the trees around me helped, but Matthew’s presence set me on edge. Around him I felt like prey, ready to either bolt or fight if he so much as twitched in my direction. By his quick glances at me, he knew it.

  Abruptly he interrupted his own conversation and addressed me. “You’re scared of me. Why?”

  I gawked at him, wondering how he could ask such an obvious question. “A week and a half ago, you tried to kill me.” Sierra and Amy watched the exchange curiously. Amy, one of my closest friends in the pack, knew both of us well. The conversation didn’t surprise her. Sierra took it all in silently, absorbing more than appeared on the surface.

  By Matthew’s expression, he found my reluctance to put it behind me puzzling. “You’re Pack now,” he replied. That settled everything to him.

  Cultural differences, I reminded myself, and forced myself to be diplomatic. “I understand that part. I know everything has changed between us, but I’m not used to that kind of thing. A lot of Wolves threatened me, but you’re the only one who attacked me. It’s going to take more than a few days to blow it off.”

  He nodded, accepting my answer easily and ending the conversation abruptly. He resumed his discussion with Billie. He won’t do it again, she assured me.

  I know, and I’ve been repeating that to myself since I sensed him coming. But I keep seeing him leaping out of the bushes and flying at my throat. It was an illusion of me, but he didn’t know that. I watched him almost kill me, and when I’m around him, I can’t get it out of my mind. I’ll be okay with him, but it’s going to take some time.

  And space?

  I won’t avoid him. I won’t start running away again.

  My determination pleased her. Good.

  I continued to watch the horizon as they finished discussing the pack’s safety. Before he left, Matthew spoke to me one more time. “No matter what you told the others, I know you could have defeated me. If you were a different Mage, that would have been a fat
al mistake for me and for the entire Pack. When you’re willing, I want to learn how to protect the pack from Mages.”

  I nodded soberly. I wanted the same thing even if it meant spending time with him. To survive the Mage-Wolf War, my packmates needed every advantage against adversarial Mages. “I’m willing, but let’s get through the current crisis first. It’s not Mages we have to worry about right now.”

  He nodded and left without saying goodbye. Once out the front door and beyond hearing range, Sierra glanced towards the house as if she could see his retreating form. “It’s hard to picture him ever being happy.”

  Amy’s eyes clouded in memory. She rarely lived in the past, and the sudden nostalgia would have surprised me without Sierra present. She brought out unusual reactions in people. “He went through a lot in World War II. He was one of the elite, served on the front lines, fought like a Wolf, and survived like a Wolf. Over and over while everyone died around him. He’s never been the same.”

  “You loved him.” I recognized something new in her voice.

  “I loved him a lot,” she admitted. “The man I loved died in that war, and someone else came home.”

  I thought about Kathryn who’d buried her mate, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Billie would most likely outlive me, and I thought about what she’d be like in a century or two. She followed my thought. Lonely without you.

  That doesn’t make me feel better. I told her honestly. Wolves outlive many of the people they love. Kathryn found another mate after Isingoma died. I hope you do too after I’m gone.

  I don’t want to think about a life after you. When it comes ... if it comes, I’ll deal with it then. “I live for today, not tomorrow,” she spoke aloud.

  “Me too.” Amy flipped a switch and her usual cheer returned. She didn’t seem to be aware that Sierra had affected her mood, and I didn’t enlighten her.

  “Amy, can I ask you about yesterday?” I proceeded cautiously.

  “Sure,” she said easily, popping a pretzel into her mouth.

  “Why did it bother you so much?”

  “I trust you, and I like you. It’s not that,” she started and stopped.

  Once I gathered courage and prodded. “Which is why I don’t understand. What am I missing?”

  “I don’t know. It felt wrong. I felt trapped.” She couldn’t define it.

  Sierra helped us out, explaining Amy’s reaction vividly. “We are fiercely free, wild creatures who have learned to live in a domesticated world. We cannot be tamed and be who we are. You are the exact opposite. Collaring is the extreme, but everything about your power and your nature is to domesticate and control. The idea of you speaking into my mind is like being taunted with a cage. It doesn’t matter what your motives are, and it doesn’t matter that I trust you. It goes against my nature.”

  Billie and Amy gaped in surprise. She nailed it. I thought about her speech, considering it carefully. “I never thought about my nature that way before. The way you describe it, it’s the exact opposite of being Wolf.”

  “I’ve been thinking a lot about it since I met you,” she admitted self-consciously. “I may not be right about your nature.”

  “I don’t know if you’re right about my nature. I’ll have to think about it. But you’re definitely right about how Wolves perceive my nature,” I told her. “That answers my question beautifully.”

  “If that’s true, why is it not the same for me?” Billie asked our new sister curiously.

  “Who she is doesn’t conflict with your nature. She couldn’t be your mate if it did. Or maybe the matebond overcomes it. She cannot tame you.” She spoke with absolute surety.

  “Is this stuff genetic?” Amy asked, pointing one finger at Sierra and another at the rolling hills in front of us.

  “You do sound like Kato,” I told her, and she blushed at the compliment.

  Are you satisfied now? Billie asked me.

  Yes. I just needed to understand. She’s given me a lot to think about, I admitted and took her hand in mine. I’m glad I can’t tame you. I like my wild Wolf.

  Conversation lightened after that. Billie continued texting but stayed put as promised. I thought about my old home. If not for Billie’s injuries, it would be a good day to pack my stuff and move out. She noticed my thought. “That’s a great idea.” The others looked at us questioningly. They hadn’t sensed the mindspeech that usually preceded a comment they didn’t understand.

  “It was a thought, not a suggestion. You’re resting.” I told her before explaining to the others.

  “It’s still a great idea. It’s a calm day considering everything that’s going on, and I’ll take it easy,” she promised me.

  Determined and getting a little stir-crazy, she needed something to do. “Do you think she’ll take it easy?” I asked Amy doubtfully.

  “I think our Beta keeps her promises. I’ll make sure to mention it if she doesn’t. And just maybe it’ll keep her from running off and doing something worse.” She pulled out her phone and placed a call. “Nate, it’s moving day! Can you and Phil help us out?” I couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation, but he obviously agreed. Amy’s face lit up like it did every time he walked into the room.

  “I guess I’m moving today,” I told Sierra.

  We picked up boxes on our way and still beat the guys who had to finish up at Kathryn’s first. I gave packing instructions, deciding what to store and what to donate. Billie and I stood in the kitchen as we looked at the piles of haphazard kitchenware. “I don’t think your kitchen can hold much more, and you’ve got a great setup already. Can you think of any reason to keep this stuff?”

  “No,” she answered honestly. “Do you want to store it or get rid of it?”

  “I’m not storing it. A few boxes of keepsakes in the garage, sure. This stuff isn’t worth it,” I decided easily. “If anyone else wants the kitchen stuff, you can have it,” I commented to the Wolves scattered throughout the house.

  Billie translated what I couldn’t hear. “Phil and Sierra want to pick through it.” She cocked her head and smiled. “Nathan says unless you have a smoker, Amy already has everything he wants.”

  “No smoker. You’re moving in together?” I asked, elated at the idea.

  Billie’s satisfied expression answered my question. I opened the junk drawer and started rummaging through it. “Soon,” she told Nathan. He asked when he’d be free of his shadow.

  “Are you getting tired of Phil already?” I asked him from across the house.

  He’s not as pretty as Amy. Billie translated with a chuckle.

  “No, he’s not,” I agreed. I didn’t need Wolf ears to hear Phil’s indignant reply.

  We piled boxes in the living room, one for storage, one to donate, and one to unpack at home. “I don’t think you’re getting your deposit back. That’s a big blood stain on the carpet.” Amy pointed out the obvious trail leading from the door to where the couch once sat. I’d tried to clean it with little success.

  Memories of that night came back vividly. “I’m hoping they don’t realize the door was torn apart and fixed. That’ll make the blood harder to explain.”

  “What happened to your door?” Nathan asked, taping up yet another box.

  “Have you noticed that Jason doesn’t knock before he comes in?” I asked with a grimace. He nodded carefully. “The door was locked the night I met him.”

  “He barged right in, huh?” Nathan didn’t seem to know what to think and studied the door as if it would help.

  “There were nine dead Humans in the yard and a trail of Billie’s blood leading into my home.”

  “If I found a packmate that way, I’d do the same thing,” Billie defended her Alpha’s actions.

  “I didn’t know who he was or what was going on. Billie was bleeding to death on my couch in wolf form, which was a first for me. Then a tattooed maniac broke down my door. It wasn’t a great first impression for either of us,” I agreed.

  “For an
y of us,” Phil amended. “We thought Jason would kill you then and there. We hoped he would. That was one hell of a mess.”

  I thought back and remembered the minds I’d sensed outside my home. “You were outside that night.”

  He nodded tersely. “John and I flipped a coin to see who would do cleanup and who would stay with Nathan. It was his first night here. I lost.”

  “Nine dead bodies?” Sierra blanched.

  I deliberately left that part out before. I didn’t want to think about it, but I answered her anyway. “I told you I was attacked. Billie showed up wearing fur for the first time. She killed two, and I killed the rest with a thought.”

  She shook her head in astonishment and didn’t meet my gaze. The ability to kill without lifting a finger troubled her. “You mentioned it at dinner the other night, but I didn’t realize.”

  It troubled me too, and seven pointless deaths weighed on me every day. Billie sensed how the memory affected me and ran a finger across my cheek. “She didn’t do anything to protect herself. As soon as I was in trouble, she fought back. Sadie doesn’t respond well to threats against her mate.”

  “Apparently not. Or against my friends,” I replied, not sure if I liked that part of myself. “I had no idea how protective I was until I met you.”

  “She’s rubbin’ off on ya,” Nathan decided approvingly.

  Ten people had died because of me. The three dead Mages haunted me, but not in the same way as the teenage boys. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know I could do that until I did it. I have a better appreciation for the power of a thought now. It won’t happen by accident again.”

  “Good thing, too,” Amy added with mock seriousness. “Jason would be in trouble!”

  Sierra laughed and stopped herself as something occurred to her. “Why didn’t you kill Jason when he broke into your home? That was right after you were attacked, right?”

  It didn’t even occur to me at the time. “Billie told me to trust him. Plus I thought she was dying. I didn’t know how to help her, and I couldn’t call an ambulance for a wolf. Jason knew what to do.”

  With everyone’s help, it didn’t take long to pack my stuff and clean the house. Phil and Nathan took a load to the thrift store, leaving only a couple trips back and forth to Billie’s house. My landlord voiced his displeasure at the last-minute notice, withholding my deposit before inspecting the house. I wouldn’t get it back anyway, and it saved me the trouble of trying to explain the carpet.