Eating Cupcakes in a Cemetery

by Shelley Dawn Siddall

  “She’s still thinking she’s helping me get on my feet. She doesn’t know about my work for Helen, or about you and the kids of course. She’s bought the whole former stockbroker who lost everything and is now a recovering alcoholic line.” Serafino kissed Carmen on her nose. “Thanks for the plan to approach her through the AA meetings. It was an excellent idea.”

  “She doesn’t know about the charity scam, does she?” Carmen was alarmed. They did not need a jilted lover to rat them out to the FBI before they even made some money.

  “Don’t you worry my love; she doesn’t have an inkling; and there are a million inklings in a clue. We’re safe.”

  Carmen wasn’t giving up. “What about Helen? You were the one who hooked her up with Gary Chorney. What if she finds out you not only went over her head, but you have a side deal? And what if Gary mentions your name to Mr. Millar?”

  “Helen thinks she’s a big fish in this state, but she isn’t. It’s just a matter of time before her store is shut down. Somebody other than Gary is going to rat her out. I mean, why Helen chose a name so close to the original is beyond me. Someone is going to put two and two together and figure out that Cottage Decorating Discounts has merchandize stolen from Mansion Decorating Discounts. We’ve got this nice charity scam coming on stream soon, so we won’t need Helen anymore.”

  Serafino reached for the bottle of Jergens on the bedside table. In his line of work, his knuckles got quite the beating. He laughed at his own joke. He reassured Carmen, “After Gary’s one and only visit to our fair state he won’t be coming back. I really busted his balls ten months ago.”

  “Hush, Serafino, the kids might hear you! Language, please.”

  “All I’m saying, amore, is that Gary Chorney and Vincent Millar don’t live in the same state or travel in the same circles. Chorney certainly won’t return here, even if his big boss insists.”

  Carmen was fully awake now and overflowing with questions.

  “Have we got enough fail-safes in place so the feds can’t trace anything back to us? Should we just take the money and not cash any checks? What about your cousin, Tony? Can we really rely on him to go to the Post Office every day for us?

  “Hush Carmen. It’s late. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  ***

  Jamal could not find Lisa at the party and there weren’t that many places to look since it was being held at the office. He knocked on the woman’s washroom and the new woman came out.

  “Yes? Is the men’s room occupied?” Hailey asked.

  “No, I’m just looking for Lisa; is she in there?”

  Hailey looked at this tall dark and handsome guy. Nope. No way, she thought, I’m not getting involved in another office romance. The last time she ended up getting shot at. Thankfully the bullets didn’t pierce her flesh, but they came damn close. Her hearing was now wonky. For a week after the incident, it felt like she had water in her ears. The FBI had shelled out for a hearing aid when it was discovered she had some damage to her right ear. And when they found out her former lover was on the take.

  “Is she the woman with the British accent?”

  Jamal looked at Hailey. She was a stunner, but stand-offish. Better stick with his original game plan. He thanked Hailey then started opening doors to offices.

  Jamal found Lisa and Don Halverson in the fourth office. While they were at the desk; they were not doing paperwork.

  Jamal sighed and took a photograph and left. He went back to the staff lunchroom and found to his delight, that there was a lot of guacamole and sour cream left for the tacos. It made his night.

  ***

  Belinda was getting pretty sick of putting puzzles together. She craved excitement but tamped down the feeling because she knew where that road led to; namely a bar.

  She phoned her mother instead.

  “Can you come over for lunch some day?” she asked.

  “Oh sister, I’m so busy.”

  “Please mom, you haven’t even seen my townhouse yet,” Belinda begged.

  There was silence, then her mom said in a catty tone, “And I suppose you’ll want me to leave Melvin at home?”

  Belinda felt sick. “Yes mom, I don’t want him here. You know that.”

  Her mom turned immediately nasty. “It’s all because of your sister and her lies, isn’t it? Why you would take her side instead of mine, I’ll never know. Melvin is and always has been a wonderful husband. You girls have always been nothing but trouble!”

  She hung up on her daughter.

  Belinda sat up straighter and picked up one small piece of cardboard. She held up the box so she could see the photo of the assembled puzzle. It was a gardening puzzle with myriads of terracotta pots in a potting shed. Belinda carefully studied the picture and found the exact spot where the puzzle piece belonged. She delicately put the piece down on her table.

  “One,” she said. When Belinda had put forty-four pieces in their approximate spots on her table, she finally started crying.

  “I am so glad, Bev, that you do not live here,” Belinda cried to her empty home. “You do not need to be anywhere near that man or woman. If you were here, we’d probably get together and murder them both.”

  Chapter Six

  Present day:

  Tony did not want to tell Carmen that Serafino was dead, but he had to even though Auntie Helen said not to. Tony owed it to Carmen. His cousin and his wife had hired Tony to help him out. Tony’s jobs with Helen were few and far between. Not like Serafino. Helen was always using him; she sent him on an assignment two weeks ago to Seattle.

  But out of the blue, Auntie Helen ordered Tony to go to Seattle to kill a woman, even though Serafino was already there. She even gave Tony the address of the motel this Bev Nichols was staying in.

  Tony was excited. This would be his first hit. So Tony drove all night to Seattle; found the motel and talked to the woman at the desk, Margaret. She said Bev would be in the cemetery singing.

  “You can’t miss her, hon; she’s got flaming red hair.”

  Just like that, Tony found her. She had an arm full of clothes and was an easy target. Or so he thought. He missed several times. Shooting a gun was harder than he thought. Then there was that business with Auntie Helen chewing him out. Then he found Serafino; deader than a doornail in the cemetery.

  Without one minute of sleep; Tony drove home; with one minor detour.

  Tony trudged into the mail depot and was immediately hailed by the clerk.

  “Where the hell have you been? I’ve got bags of letters for you.”

  Tony apologized and hauled three huge bags out to his car. Then he emptied the mailbox as well and drove the short distance to the storage unit. His heart sank. Carmen was there.

  Serafino always had a motto: ‘Work first, then talk’ so Carmen and Tony nodded at each other as they dumped out the mail. It was good to just concentrate on the work. Over two thirds of the envelopes had bills. The checks were thrown in a basket and the bills by denomination in their own baskets.

  Mr. Vincent Millar thought he was part of a high-tech scam with a highly trained team, but it was just Serafino, Carmen and Tony.

  Of course, Mr. Millar did not know where the Napoleone’s had set up; nor did he even know how to audit the operation. He just picked up his cash that Serafino gave him weekly and assumed it was ten percent. Thousands upon thousands of dollars. It was all gravy anyhow and was being carefully stashed away in a bank in the Cayman’s.

  It was hard for Tony not to stop and read the letters that came with some of the donations, but speed had been drilled into him. Nor could Tony understand why the checks were not being cashed. He had even opened an envelope and found a five thousand dollar check payable to S.A.A.R.P. Tony showed it to his cousin the first day.

  “No, we are not cashing any checks. People will want tax receipts; if the check isn’t cashed; they might think there has been a delay in the mail and won’t be worried about it. We are not setting up a bank account in the charity name. W
e just take the cash. That’s it. Get to work!”

  Tony had to admit that sometimes Serafino and Carmen were jerks. Later that first day Tony had asked what the large locked cupboards on the wall were for.

  Serafino glared at him. “What three words did I tell you earlier?” he demanded.

  His cousin held up his hands and pointed to each finger as he said, “Put them over there. That’s four words, Serafino.”

  “Get to work!”

  “But I counted; it was four words.”

  Serafino could be scary when he wanted to be. And now he was dead. As the dread of telling Carmen built up inside him, plus over thirty-six hours without sleep catching up to him, Tony got slower and slower. He finally stood at the counter holding a twenty-dollar bill in one hand and staring into space.

  “Spill it Tony. What happened to Serafino?” Carmen demanded.

  “He’s dead Carmen. I found him dead in a cemetery in Seattle.”

  Carmen turned off the bill counter. She knew her husband was dead because he hadn’t phoned her for two days, but to hear it spoken out loud shook her. She sat down.

  “Again. Tell me again,” she said.

  “Auntie Helen sent me up to Seattle last night to find a chick named Beverly Nichols. I found her in the cemetery this morning and then I found Serafino. He was blue.”

  Carmen felt sick. Sick like the surprise when you find out you’re two months pregnant when you thought you were in early menopause.

  The love of her life, gone.

  “Was the woman dead too?”

  “No, I missed.”

  Carmen couldn’t figure out why Tony would be involved with Helen Percy. Sure, he was her nephew, but he didn’t have any skills. Not like Serafino. She flopped forward on the uncounted cash. “Oh Serafino! My love!” she cried.

  Tony gently patted Carmen’s back.

  “He really loved you, you know?” he said.

  If he had stopped there, Carmen would have started another round of weeping and wailing and would have found it very therapeutic to let her grief out.

  Unfortunately Tony added, “Yup. Serafino told me when you and the kids move up to Seattle with him, he’ll already have Suzanne Turcotte in a house across town; so you’ll never even have to see her. She was just going to be his side piece, but you, you were the one he really loved!”

  Carmen’s tears dried up. Her sorrow turned to anger.

  “Well I can’t kill Serafino any deader than he already is, but I can beat the crap out of that cougar! Where is she, Tony?”

  Tony had upset Carmen and he didn’t know how. One minute she was bawling her eyes out; the next she was breathing fire and brimstone.

  “I don’t know where to find a cougar, Carmen. Are you sure you want one around the kids? And why would you want to hurt a cougar?”

  Carmen held her temper and looked at Serafino’s cousin. Was he really that stupid? Or was she being played?

  “This side piece; this Suzanne that Serafino was going to move up to Seattle. Where is she?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never met her. Maybe Auntie Helen knows?”

  “The less Helen Percy knows about my life, the better.” Carmen went back to opening envelopes and sorting the contents. “You haven’t mentioned anything to Helen about this operation, have you Tony?”

  “Cousin Serafino said he would break both of my kneecaps if I did.”

  Tony “Fettucine” Taylor looked at Carmen and the wheels turned in his brain. “Now that Serafino’s dead, you would do it for him wouldn’t you?”

  “In a heartbeat,” she said and turned on the bill counter machine.

  ***

  Belinda was singing the next morning as she made the coffee. Her front door was still busted, her puzzles were as well, and Bev was still sleeping on the couch; but Belinda was happy. The trip to the cemetery last night felt like a turning point in their relationship.

  Things were looking up.

  “Do you think I murdered the guy at the cemetery up in Seattle?” Bev asked as she dragged herself into the kitchen.

  Her older sister just pointed to the bathroom. “Shower is that way. There are towels, a change of clothes, and deodorant. Do not return before you have washed away most of the previous week.”

  “About that…” Bev turned around to talk to Belinda, but Belinda’s jaw was set, and she continued to point to the bathroom.

  The hot water felt good. It really did feel like she was washing away the previous week. The only problem was, she couldn’t remember any of it.

  “It will come back, or it won’t.” Bev shrugged. Did she really need to remember? Her sister’s clothes, although in a neutral palate compared to Bev’s neon and hot pink, fit her perfectly.

  A memory, unbidden flashed into her mind.

  “He wanted to buy a coffee franchise! Or was it a donut franchise? No matter. That’s why he was in Seattle!” Bev had actually spoken to the guy before he was dead. He also wanted to buy a laundromat. No, that wasn’t it. Smelling fresher than she had for days, Bev walked slowly out to the kitchen.

  “Thanks for the clothes, Bell. The dead guy, he wanted to launder money. His name was Serafino and he’s married to Carmen and they have four kids. Three boys and one girl. The girl is a real character. The youngest of the bunch, but tougher than all the boys put together. She’s the apple of her daddy’s eye.”

  Belinda looked her younger sister up and down and nodded.

  “You look almost human,” she said.

  “Thanks a bunch. High praise indeed coming from you. What are you cooking? It smells, well, odd.”

  “Portobello mushroom omelette.”

  Bev smiled uncertainly. “I think I hate mushrooms. Sorry.”

  “But you don’t know?” Belinda asked incredulous. “What’s up with that?”

  “My taste buds, my memory, everything is royally expletive swear word to the tenth degree. You may not know this Bell, but I’m a medical miracle. With my liver, it’s a wonder I’m alive.” Bev grabbed a coffee and sat at the table. “I really have huge gaps in my memory. And I have for years. I think I should get sober.”

  “Well you wouldn’t want to rush into something like that. Let’s see, you’ve been basically drunk for the last nine years; do you think sobriety is really a good fit for you?”

  “Ha. You got sober; I think I should be able to. So, back to the dead guy. I think that’s where the money came from.” Bev looked around the home. “Where is my money, by the way?”

  “Your money? Nice try. I counted it. Three hundred and fifteen thousand dollars and change. It’s in the grey duffle bag just as before, but neater. Eat your breakfast.”

  Bev obligingly took a bite, then quickly put her fork down.

  “I’m going to stick with coffee.” She suddenly snapped her fingers. “Eureka!” she yelled.

  Her long-suffering sister rolled her eyes. “Yes, we are in Eureka.”

  “No, Bell, that’s where the dead guy lived. In Eureka. All we have to do is find his family and give the money back.”

  “And then maybe they’ll stop trying to kill you. I went out to your car, Bev. It has bullet holes in it.”

  ***

  Against her better judgement, Hailey had entered into a romantic relationship with Jamal practically as soon as they received their assignments two weeks ago. She had seen him around the office making moon eyes at Lisa, but after the combo going away/ welcome to Eureka office party, he abruptly stopped being interested in Lisa. He seemed to avoid her at all costs.

  Now she knew why. He had blackmailed their boss to make him a special agent like Hailey. Well they certainly had fun the past two weeks, but was it going to come back and bite them in the butt? They had lost Bev temporarily and she was now the number one suspect in the murder of some low life out of Eureka.

  “So did you do the scanner thingy?” Jamal asked.

  It was now early Friday morning and Hailey was not amused at being told what to do by someone who
could not even remember their boss’s name.

  “You mean the Biometric Live Scan that digitizes a fingerprint and sends it electronically to the FBI database? Yes, I have,” Hailey said as a quiet beep sounded. “We have a winner, one Serafino Napoleone of Eureka California. His fingerprints are also all over this money, but not this room.”

  “What? You mean, our corpse is from Eureka and Beverly Nichols sister lives there as well?” Jamal shook his head. “Then why in hell did we come up here to begin with? We work in Eureka!”

  Sure; Jamal had the biceps and abdomen of an elite swimmer, but Hailey was getting pretty tired of explaining the obvious. She held up her hand and ticked off the points.

  “One, Mr. Vincent Millar’s personal assistant, Suzanne Turcotte, was kidnapped approximately two weeks ago. Two, Suzanne was last seen singing karaoke with Beverly Nichols in Eureka at the Shillelagh Shenanigans Pub. Apparently Beverly has a thing for Irish pubs. Beverly had also driven the ten hours from Seattle to Eureka that day for no particular reason.

  “Three, Mr. Millar paid the $500,000.00 in ransom immediately by dropping it under a park bench by the Shillelagh Shenanigans Pub. Four, that same evening, after finishing a riveting rendition of ‘Mockingbird’, Beverly broke into her sister’s home; stayed for a half an hour then returned to Seattle. Five, in a parallel investigation, it was discovered that the Mansion Decorating Discount stores; Mr. Millar’s chain of stores, are promoting donations, through the US mail service, to a non-existent charity.”

  Hailey looked at Jamal who was busy neatly piling the one hundred dollar bills they continued to find. “Does it all make sense now?” she asked.

  “Oh sorry, I was counting. What did you say?”

  ***

  “I was here two weeks ago? I don’t remember that,” Bev said as she took poured herself another cup of coffee and added three heaping teaspoons of sugar.