Eating Cupcakes in a Cemetery

by Shelley Dawn Siddall

  “Yeah, Lisa mentioned it to me.”

  “Mentioned?” Jakob was angry. He carefully picked up his coffee mug and walked away from his desk.

  “She is a person of interest in not only a faked kidnapping thus a waste of FBI resources, but also quite likely the biggest case of mail fraud in the entire United States of America. And Lisa just mentioned it to you in passing?”

  Don Halverson didn’t say a thing.

  “Don, I don’t care who you’re sleeping with as long as you can do your job. Clearly you can’t and they can’t.” Jakob took a big breath in. “Look, I don’t have time to read you the riot act right now; I want you to send me every report you’ve received, and I want you to pull in Jamal and find out what else he didn’t do. And you may as well pull in Hailey while you’re at it.”

  “Okay Jakob. Sorry about this.”

  “And Don?”

  “Yes?”

  “Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not let Lisa Stopford-Perkins interview them.”

  ***

  Helen was happy. The merchandize was flying out of the store. Tony had called her and said he found the flamingo and would drop it off later. He had to do something first.

  “Probably have a huge bowl of pasta,” Helen said to a random customer.

  Actually, it surprised Helen that Tony had shown initiative and went back to find the flash drive. Maybe he could eventually take Serafino’s place?

  Nah. Helen laughed and told another random customer who had just purchased one of the five remaining blue couches. “He’s dumber than a bag full of hammers; no way could he fill his cousin’s shoes!”

  ***

  “Exactly how are you related to your Auntie Helen?” Luna asked when she finally took a break from reading the emails.

  “She was married to my Uncle at one time.”

  “So she’s not a blood relative?”

  “No, but she got all his money and his pawn shop when he died. My Dad said she was a gold digger and maybe even killed his brother, my Uncle Aldo.”

  “How long were they married for?”

  “About three years. Serafino is my cousin though. It was his Dad that died.”

  “Did Serafino’s Mom die too?”

  “Yes. I was just a kid when Auntie Gertie died.”

  “She wasn’t Italian?”

  “No; she just made really good pasta. I’d make it for you right now, but you don’t seem to have any food in your cupboards.”

  Luna had heard Tony opening cupboards and thought he was just curious. She didn’t realize he wanted to make them a meal. How sweet.

  “We can go out for a meal. Anywhere you like, Tony. Remember, we have lots of money!”

  Tony sat down beside Luna. “I’ve been thinking. If that storage unit was rented in my name, then I have the right to open locked cabinets. I think we should go back there tonight and see what’s inside them.”

  Luna gave Tony a quick hug. “I think that’s an excellent idea.”

  “Once we’re sure cousin Carmen is gone for the evening, we’ll break in.”

  The serious expression stayed on Tony’s face.

  “Something else?” Luna asked.

  “When Carmen comes in tomorrow, after Mass, she’s going to see the broken cabinets. I think we should just take all the money that’s in the mail today. What’s she going to do? Send Serafino after us?”

  It was Luna’s turn to sit and think. “Do you have a passport Tony?” she asked.

  “I do. I’ve always wanted to go to…”

  “Wait!” Luna ordered. She got up and ran to a desk and pulled out a note pad. She gave a piece of paper to Tony and a pen.

  “Okay. Now you write down where you always wanted to go, and I’ll write down someplace I’ve always wanted to visit and then we’ll show one another. It’ll be fun!”

  Tony smiled. “Okay, but you’re going to be surprised.”

  “Oh, I live for surprises.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  “We forgot about the beer!”

  “Bev, continue to forget about the beer. You drove home, you stuffed the money in your clothes…”

  “In the sleeves of my clothes. It was sneakier that way. Nobody would ever think to look in the sleeves.”

  Belinda wept. “Sleeves are the best hiding place ever!” she cried.

  Her twin hugged her.

  “Don’t cry Bell.”

  “It’s all my fault,” Belinda cried. “Why didn’t he pick me? I’m the older sister!”

  Bev started to cry great blubbering sobs. “It’s not your fault,” she insisted. “It’s just that my room was the first one in the hall.”

  “I should have saved you.”

  “It’s not your fault. I never ever blamed you; ever!” Bev cried.

  Hailey and Sean looked at the twins sobbing away on the couch and then at one another.

  “What just happened?” Sean asked.

  “I don’t know,” Hailey whispered, “but I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

  “We’re in Eureka!” the twins sobbed in perfect unison.

  ***

  Halfway through the day, Helen decided to go home and have a shower and then a nap. As several people had rudely commented; she did not smell good. Having spent Friday night in jail and then heading straight to the discount store and working hard at carrying out furniture that was selling like hotcakes weren’t the only reasons; she had been soaked in green beer at the pub the night before.

  She peeled off her clothes and jumped in a hot shower. Yup, she thought, her life was good. Soon she would have the flash drive that that idiot Gary made and then she could start talking expansion.

  Too bad Schluter and Vazi were still out in L.A.; there was a big commission from Don the Bomb she wanted to collect. And after last night, she wasn’t game to try it on her own again. The L.A. contract seemed like a done deal at the time. The Senator’s team wanted some outside talent; someone not known on the L.A. scene and she was happy to send two of her best guys down to help out.

  But it was dragging on for weeks now. Now with Serafino gone as well, her marks were thinking she had gone soft and weren’t paying up. She really needed her boys back here to track down the woman that had ripped off Don’s casinos.

  Helen sat in her tiger striped bathrobe and called Carmen.

  “How you doing sweetie? Holding up okay?”

  “Yes Helen. Everything is fine. You sent Serafino to Seattle for a one-day trip and then turn it into a two-week extravaganza. Then he’s shot dead. So yes, everything is fine.”

  Helen never liked Carmen. Helen used to be able to manipulate Serafino, but Carmen had put back bone in him. Serafino negotiated for a higher wage every year. Helen smirked. Well not this year.

  “Carmen, sweetie, I only sent Serafino for a one-day trip. He was the one that extended his stay.”

  “You lie like a sidewalk. Serafino wouldn’t leave us unless it was work. What, are you saying he was on holiday? Without his family?”

  Even as she said these words Carmen didn’t believe them. Tony had told her that Serafino was bringing his mistress, his side piece up to Seattle and Tony was too dumb to lie. Maybe Serafino was on holiday? Maybe he had another woman up there?

  “I don’t want to argue with you Carmen. I know you have his funeral to plan; when is it anyway?”

  “Next Saturday. Don’t bother to show up.”

  “You know me, Carmen. I’m a cautious woman. I’ll let you in on a secret. I record every telephone conversation I have. I can play you the calls that Serafino made from Seattle if you like.”

  “Yeah, I believe you Helen. So how are we going to work Serafino’s share?”

  “His share of what?”

  “His share of the pawn shop. His Dad left him a quarter share, or did you forget?” Carmen was just yanking Helen’s chain; she didn’t need the money, but she wanted Helen to worry. “Maybe we should sell the shop and divide up the proceeds?” she added w
hile trying not to laugh.

  “Let me get back to you. Again, my condolences.” Helen restrained herself from throwing her phone on the floor.

  Maybe this wasn’t a good day after all.

  ***

  After Gary burned out of the Shady Rest parking lot; he remembered he had money. He decided to fly to Eureka and rent a car when he got there. His neighbor loved his cats, so after he kissed each of his cats goodbye, he drove to the airport.

  The flight was surprisingly full. Fortunately, he had a nice seat mate.

  “Who would have thought that Eureka California was such a popular destination?” Gary said as he checked his watch.

  “Not me, that’s for sure,” the fellow beside him said, then added, “The name is Jamal Osman.”

  “Gary Chorney. What brings you to Eureka?”

  Jamal had just flown to Seattle to retrieve the packages of money he had managed to tape to the box spring in Bev’s room. Fortunately, Hailey hadn’t bothered to recount the money they had found earlier. It wasn’t hard to break into the room. And it was all there. A nice little bonus.

  Unfortunately, Jamal wasn’t that good at math. His round-trip ticket cost about half of the money he had retrieved.

  “I work in Eureka. Just a quick trip to Seattle for some unfinished business.”

  They both smiled and read their respective magazines for the remainder of the flight. About an hour and a half later, the flight attendant announced, “Please place your seat trays in the upright position. We will be landing in a few minutes. It’s a sunny day in Eureka, unseasonably warm for April, so watch for early daffodils. Enjoy your visit and thank you for flying with us today.”

  I’m nuts, Gary thought as he filled out the car rental form, I’ve met this woman once. What if she doesn’t remember me? What if she tells me to get lost? What if she isn’t there?

  Gary still deep in thought, looked at the clerk. “I just feel that we have a real connection, you know?”

  “I don’t get my lunch until two,” the clerk said.

  ***

  “If a skunk could hold a whiskey bottle and drink it, these two would be drunker than that skunk,” Sean said. “But it seems to me, if we went on body weight, the skunk would still be the drunkest one.”

  Hailey patted Sean on the shoulder. “I heartily agree with you.” She looked at the two sisters on the couch. They had stopped crying and were now singing happily about tying their bones to the back of a horse.

  “We only found a little over three thousand dollars; Bev does not have five hundred thousand,” Sean said.

  Hailey looked at him closely. “What is this ‘we’ business? How do you know how much money Jamal and I found in her motel room?”

  “Oh Miss Hailey, I eavesdrop like nobody’s business.”

  “Apparently.”

  At that moment, Sean’s phone rang.

  “Yes Grandmother. No we have not found the money. No I have not convinced Miss Beverly to hire Surinder. I think we are certain she did not kill Serafino.” He looked at Hailey. She nodded.

  “Yes, Miss Hailey the sex fiend agrees with me. Grandmother, I am not coming home until we get this sorted. I will give you my credit card number and you can phone for a computer.” He started to dig out his wallet from his back pocket, but Hailey took his phone.

  “Grandmother, please don’t take this the wrong way, but your Grandson and I are working the case and do not want to be interrupted. No we are not in a motel; listen to these girls singing.”

  She held the phone out to capture the melodious stylings of the Sisters Nichol.

  “No I am not an official FBI person anymore; but, Grandmother, I really want to find out who shot Serafino and who is behind the mail fraud. What? No I don’t think so.” She turned to Sean. “Your Grandmother wants to know if I am ugly.”

  “Miss Hailey you are not ugly! You are petit and somewhat naturally blonde and have good childbearing hips.”

  “Oh my god, Sean. Don’t say that!” Hailey focused on Sean’s phone again. “No Grandmother, we are not lying in bed listening to the radio. I am going to my motel room and Sean is going to his. No Grandmother, it is not the same motel room. No I don’t know where Jamal is, and I don’t care. Yes Grandmother, I will give you my motel address and you can mail me some pakora.”

  Sean took the phone back and after a lengthy conversation, disconnected.

  “Grandmother thinks that if we find the missing money, we should just take it and all three of us should fly to India and meet my parents. Of course, you should meet my parents, Grandmother and I already know them.”

  Belinda and Bev suddenly sat up and tuned into the conversation.

  “Oh no you cannot meet the parents! It’s too early! You don’t even know her favorite color or what gun she likes to shoot!” Belinda advised.

  “Plus, she could have been the woman who shot me earlier and just shrunk back down to this size. You wouldn’t want to marry a woman who shoots and shrinks, do you?”

  Hailey was alarmed. “Were you shot, Bev, are you injured?”

  “Just the couch part of me,” Bev said as she moved the cushion and stuck her finger in the hole in the back of the couch.

  Hailey jumped up and was soon digging a bullet out of the wall.

  Belinda held her hands out. “You know, I have so much money, I don’t even care anymore. Shoot holes in my furniture, dig craters in my wall, I don’t care. What’s the point of having money if you don’t spend it?”

  “Exactly.”

  “How long have you had this money for, Miss Belinda?”

  “Oh years and years. I saved it. I’m a card shark and I travel all over and win big at cards. Watch.” Belinda reached over to the side table, opened the drawer and pulled out a couple of packs of cards.

  “Now first I’ll shuffle.” She dropped the cards all over the coffee table. “Maybe you should shuffle.”

  Sean shuffled.

  “Now pick one card. Is it the five of clubs?” Belinda asked.

  “No.”

  “Ha! What did I tell you!” she said and sat back satisfied that she had proved her point. Bev smiled proudly at her twin and gave her two thumbs up.

  Hailey showed the bullet to Sean. “This is a .38 caliber. Serafino was shot with a similar bullet.”

  “Miss Hailey, the drunk skunks who have turned into cowboy singers are giving no more new information. Perhaps we should try again tomorrow after we put a lot of coffee in their heads.”

  They waved goodbye to the twins and went out to Hailey’s car.

  “Other than the shooting, and who knows when that happened or who did it; basically everything they told us was balderdash. They just made it all up on the spot. I doubt if we’ll ever get the truth out of them.”

  “Both women get very high marks for creativity. But we will persevere, Miss Hailey. My Grandmother believes in you.”

  Hailey pulled away from the curb. “Does your Grandmother even know how to operate a laptop?”

  “No, but Parmella will teach her. That is her gun by the way.”

  “Your Grandmother gave you a gun?”

  “That would be foolish. No, it was my cousin Parmella. She knew I wanted to be a spy.”

  “Oh, well, that’s so much better.”

  Shortly after they left, a red Camaro pulled up to 1104 Wayfare Road.

  ***

  “Well, she does have bad breath, Mom,” Nella insisted on the way home.

  “Just because your teacher has bad breath, you don’t have to tell her.”

  “I was just being honest. Don’t you always tell us honesty is the best policy?”

  “It should be, but sometimes it’s not.”

  Carmen pulled into their driveway. “To your room, Nella and no television and no computer.”

  Nella looked at her Mom and crossed her arms. “Really? And how do you think you’re going to make me?”

  Carmen was tired. She had peed on a stick earlier and confirmed that she was
pregnant.

  “Fine, do what you want. Play on the computer, I don’t care. Just don’t bother your brothers. I’m not in the mood for another one of your epic battles.”

  Nella put her hand in her Mom’s. “I can’t play on my computer anyway. Dad went and put a password on it, and I can’t open it.”

  “Really? So that’s why you’ve been bugging your brothers to let you play video games with them. I tell you what Nella, I’ll come back from work early tonight and see if I can’t fix it for you.”

  “Promises promises.”

  “Don’t push me girl. Now find me the number for the pizza place and I’ll order something for supper.”

  Nella ran in the house screaming, “Pizza for supper! I want to tell them what to draw on the box!”

  Before she even stepped in the house, Carmen could hear her boys complaining.

  “No fair, you got to last time!”

  ***

  Gary carefully balanced a bouquet of red roses and a box of pastries as he rang the bell at 1104 Wayfare Road. This was going to be epic. Or not.

  “You’re late.” Bev said and went back and sat on the couch.

  Gary looked at Bev and then at Belinda. This could be a problem. He didn’t know which one was the love of his life.

  “The man has roses and a gift. Looks like food. Invite him in Bev.”

  Bev continued to glare at Gary with her arms crossed. “I waited for you! I even drove down to Eureka to tell Helen to stop blackmailing you.”

  Gary walked in still holding his gifts. “You did that for me? I didn’t know!”

  “I waited for you for two whole weeks! Where were you?”

  The object of her anger blushed and hung his head. “I was warned off by Serafino. He scared the living daylights out of me.”

  Bev got up and grabbed the pastry box. “That’s okay. I may have shot him.” She opened the box and screamed. “Cupcakes, Bell, Gary brought cupcakes!”

  Belinda jumped up. “You know what this means? We’re going to the cemetery!”

  As the women raced past Gary, Bev pointed to the flowers and said, “Put those in water; we don’t like dead things.”

  “Right.”

  Belinda hollered back. “There’s a bottle on the table for you.”