He laughed tiredly and held the door open, not even letting me past the threshold before hugging me tightly. “Well, happy early birthday.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling with embarrassment.
He kissed me good night, and I had to run home, hoping I would be able to wake up early enough the next morning.
And of course I didn’t. Rene came storming in at seven to tell me I should have been up an hour before. I was practically dragged to the bathroom where she presented me with cleaning soaps I was to use. So I showered, emerged clean and purified, to find my pajamas had been taken from the bathroom. Instead, Rene waited outside holding a bundle of a faded red fabric. I stared at it in awe for a moment.
“Is that—”
“Yes, now hurry up and put it on, I want to see you in it,” she said, smiling widely. In the bathroom, I unfolded it slowly and put it on carefully. I loved the beauty and simplicity of it. It was nothing fancy, but comfortable even with a somewhat long train. Fingering the braided straps, I could feel my face flushing with excitement.
Rene was even more enthralled when I appeared. She hugged me hard and kissed my forehead, urging me on downstairs where mostly everyone was ready. The boys in the house weren’t allowed to be part of the ceremony itself, so they waited while the rest of us gathered our things and walked out to the grove of trees behind the house.
Everyone wore reds of different tones, though it all seemed to match anyway. Even Meryl was allowed to be here, and she was beaming at me all the way as she carried a basket of her things. Alysana looked beautiful in her dark red dress, cut off at the knees. We were all barefoot, but the ground was soft enough that it wasn’t painful to walk. At the site of the blanket and candles ahead, my heart jumped into my throat, making it hard to breathe.
“Riley, go ahead and sit in the middle,” Rene instructed me when we reached the blanket. I did as she asked and settled down while the others sat around me.
Rene produced her classic abalone and dropped the sage into it, lighting it soon afterwards. Using a tied bundle of feathers, she stood in front of each person to smudge them, blowing the smoke across their bodies. I was last, and I closed my eyes as she feathered the smoke across my face. This was it—after so long I would come of age.
We all sat down before the four guardians were called upon to watch over our circle. Rene called to the north, Meryl to the south, Alysana to the east, and Justine to the west. As they finished, four candles were lit and placed around us. My hands were shaking in anticipation while Rene cast an additional protective circle. Once finished, we could go on.
“As is always tradition, we have each brought you gifts, Riley,” Rene said, holding hers in her hands, wrapped in a scarf. This kind of attention being on me was a little unnerving, but I tried to keep my eyes on each individual as they presented their gifts.
Rene laid a carved wooden pendant in front of me, saying it was a totem of animals she had seen in a vision regarding me. They could all protect me in life, and I could call upon any of them for advice at any time. I resisted the urge to pick it up and examine it fully since Meryl was already putting down her basket in front of me. It was full of fruits from her orchard as well as a notebook she had made by hand. The tears swimming in her eyes—along with Rene’s—almost made me want to cry with them. I’m so susceptible to others emotions, but I looked to Alysana for some stability. Her gift was a classic bundle of her many herbs, both dried and fresh. Attached to each individual bundle was a note card describing the herbs use. I smiled graciously at her and gathered the herbs closer to me so the smell would be stronger.
The rest of the girls gave similar gifts, all handmade or very personal. I accepted them all warmly, touched by how much thought they had put into it. I was still overwhelmed with the gifts when Rene came forward and produced another shell full of wet clay.
“Now everyone, close your eyes,” she said quietly. I obeyed, lowering my head a little as she went on. “We’re going to journey shortly. But what we’re looking for are symbols—anything you see that will bring Riley the wisdom she will need as she goes into womanhood.” She then whispered to me to just sit tight and relax while we waited. I nodded mutely, resting my head on my arms.
After five minutes, I was startled by a cold touch on my shoulder. Then I realized someone was drawing the symbol on me using the clay. I kept my eyes shut as I felt more hands on me, more meticulous motions. I wondered if I was supposed to be feeling any different yet. Would this whole thing end with some kind of physical change in the atmosphere? I decided I couldn’t dwell on the wondering and just waited until Rene announced everyone was done.
I opened my eyes and raised my head again, looking down at my arm where someone had drawn a fine spiral over my wrist. There were more symbols covering my arms and the back of my shoulders, but I would have to wait to see these later.
“These symbols will help you to receive your true name,” Rene said, looking at me pointedly. “Tonight as you sleep, you will journey, and someone there will tell you the name. When you know, you are to keep it to yourself. It is a very powerful thing to know someone’s true name, so don’t tell anyone.”
I nodded in understanding, wishing I already knew what the name was. Hopefully I would be able to sleep tonight so I could actually journey in the first place.
“There you will also receive the wisdom of the Child, the Mother, and the Crone. You’ll know which is which, trust me,” Rene smiled and touched my cheek. “And now, for your final words of wisdom.”
She gathered everyone around me, and each person placed a hand on me. We were tight-knit, and I felt claustrophobic for a second as everyone began to mutter at the same time. No word was the same, and I picked up a few phrases here and there.
Don’t ever be afraid to be alone; you are the strongest person you will ever encounter.
Take charge.
Always remain open.
Love hugely and unconditionally.
I let the words flow over me, not really listening, but knowing I would know everything later. It would all come back to me when I really needed it.
I couldn’t believe it was almost done. I had been to other ceremonies before, but they all seemed to take too long. This, however, seemed too fast. Rene seemed to feel good about the time, and she began to end it when a kiss on my forehead.
“When you emerge from this circle, you will have taken the next step,” she whispered, our foreheads pressed together. “Soon you will know your true name, and then you will be complete. Every choice outside of this circle is now yours—never forget that.”
She stayed still for a moment before releasing me. Over the still burning sage, she sprinkled different herbs with a sweeter scent while she chanted quietly to herself. I understood nothing, but still I felt like I knew what it meant. Having me breathe in the smoke one more time, she announced that we were done—it was done.
I smiled as I stood and stretched my stiff legs. There were hugs all around, and I felt somewhat dizzy. Alysana grasped my hand hard as the circle around us was broken and the guardians were released.
“Welcome to the club,” she whispered.
We moved back inside where I found more than an hour had passed. It hadn’t seemed like that at all, and I was in awe as the boys congratulated me. Aidan had actually showed up, and he shook my hand formally with a hearty congratulations. Standing in the corner, Omar approached me and hugged me tight.
“How’s it feel?” he asked as he let me go.
I shrugged. “Not that different.”
“Well good job becoming a woman and all. Oh, and happy eighteenth.” He held out a small box, and I took it hesitantly. Removing the top, I saw the beaded bracelet inside and grinned.
“Aw, you shouldn’t have,” I said.
“Hey, 18 is pretty big after being just in teen limbo. Now you can get all the tattoos and piercings you want,” he replied. I laughed as he gestured to the few on his arms. It abruptly reminded me of Linden,
who I wished was here at the moment. Glancing at Aidan and Alysana, it made me want him there even more.
Tons of food was prepared the night before, and it was all laid out on the kitchen table. I was starving, and I immediately helped myself to a plate and loaded it without hesitation. Red food was the theme, and everyone ate tons of strawberries, raspberries, wine and meat. It was all definitely well worth the wait.
This was almost like any other birthday I’d had before, just up a notch in the grandiose. I was flooded with presents and jokes about being ‘legal’ while Rene broke out photo albums to gush over how much I’d changed. At this point in the party, I was glad Linden wasn’t here; embarrassing pictures wasn’t my thing.
Since this was a rarity among everyone, Rene was generous with the wine. With the exception of Beau, she let some of the younger kids have tiny shot glasses filled with the fragrant wine. Of course she let the rest of us have our fill—there was no limit as long as we weren’t guzzling. I could tell Alysana was in a good state. Her face was flushed and she kept laughing at much of what Aidan said. Even Omar and Hunter had let loose, and any tension I had before was gone now. Every drink of wine was a warm trail down my throat, and I knew to slow down when I started feeling dizzy.
Time seemed to be in a weird warp all day, because evening came all too fast. The sun had sunk below the trees casting a frail orange light. Everything else was dark blue, and when I stepped onto the porch for some air I had to wait a second for my eyes to adjust. It really wasn’t all that dark; I could see the road and the swamps, which were suddenly beckoning to me so much I couldn’t ignore it. I glanced back inside at the people gathered in the living room; they were all in a sleepy haze from the wine, so no one would miss me.
I tottered down the stairs, grasping onto the railing so I wouldn’t fall. I hadn’t had that much to drink, but it was enough that I felt slightly off-balance. Continuing down the road, I held up the end of the dress so I wouldn’t trip on it. I wanted to be in the swamps for a little while, and then I would go straight to Linden’s.
Once in the trees, it was much darker than the road. Above the sparse branches the suns last rays could be seen in the sky, but it didn’t shed much light below. I picked my way through the low bushes, my legs getting scraped by the thin branches. When I finally found my spot, I sat down heavily and stared out over the waters where lightning bugs flickered in midair. Bugs and birds alike were making sounds everywhere, and if I listened hard enough, it was almost deafening.
A crashing of footsteps abruptly broke those sounds, and my heart gave a jolt as a figure stumbled towards me. I heard low cursing and I recognized Omar as he tried to hold himself up.
“Hey,” I said, trying to keep my voice even.
“Why did you leave?” he asked, breathless. He leaned against the tree next to me, catching his breath.
I shrugged. “I just wanted to come out here, get some fresh air. I didn’t think anyone would notice”
“They didn’t. But I saw you going down the road.”
I had a feeling he might have followed me thinking I was going to Linden’s, but he didn’t know where the house was.
“So—feel any different?” he asked.
“Not really,” I admitted. I stood, again hit with a wave of dizziness. I held my hands out for balance and started walking. I wanted this feeling to stop, and walking it off seemed to be my best bet.
Omar followed behind me, clumsier in his actions. I wondered how much wine he had actually drank, but I didn’t ask. We just kept walking.
My footing was pretty good and I stopped when Omar didn’t seem to be doing so well.
“Are you okay?” I asked. “You can go back, I’m fine by myself. I just wanted some time to—”
“I just wanted to say sorry. Again,” he said as he pushed his hair back. “I mean for not listening to you.”
I paused, unsure of how to answer him. “It’s okay … but you don’t have to keep—”
“It just feels right,” he interrupted, his voice louder than necessary.
Now I definitely didn’t know how to reply. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t lie in anyway. “I’m sorry, maybe to you it does but—but I’m just not getting that.”
I watched him for a moment as he stared down at the ground, his jaw set tight. I could feel his aura boiling, and I took a step back. I would rather walk away than try to negotiate with him at the moment.
“I’m sorry, Omar,” I mumbled, starting to walk away. He reached out and grabbed my arm, keeping me in place.
“Rene told me about the journey you had last week,” he spat.
For a second I couldn’t remember what he was talking about, but then recalled how I had edited the version for her sake. “She shouldn’t have told you anything.”
“Well she did, she told me about it and explained what it meant,” he said, his grip on my arm getting tighter.
“It doesn’t mean anything, now will you let go?” I twisted my arm, trying to pull out of his grasp, but my skin only burned under the friction.
“It does! She said she would only tell me because you had to figure it out yourself.” He took my other arm, shaking me once to get me to understand.
“I already figured it out, quit it!” I yelled this time, wrenching myself away for a second. But with my luck my back slammed into a tree, and I froze as my muscles ached. Omar took the chance to hold me there, insisting I listen.
“If you knew you wouldn’t be ignoring me,” he said, face inches away. I didn’t know what he was getting at, and I didn’t get a chance to ask. He pushed his mouth against mine, one hand at my neck to keep me in place. I squirmed and pushed his chest to break away.
“Cut it—”
“She told me that means we’re like twin flames,” he went on. I stopped when he said that and just stared at him. Twin flames? I’d only heard the concept a few times before, and because of the stupid wine I couldn’t remember what it meant. All I knew was that Omar had driven me to the edge, and the fact that Rene told him about my journey was disrespectful; it wasn’t up to her to tell anyone.
“Twin flames? You weren’t even part of my journey,” I said, pushing him back. “I lied! I had to lie because Rene would have kept pushing back the stupid ceremony, and I just wanted to get it over with. You weren’t in the pool, you don’t have the pure heart, it was all Linden. That’s right, Linden the Elemental.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time. I couldn’t even read the expression on his face. I tried to ignore the fury building up from his body, but my own frustration clouded my judgment. I pulled myself away and started walking further into the swamp, hoping he would leave.
“Why did he have to come here?” I heard him say quietly. I stopped to listen. “I mean what drew him here of all places?”
“They were always here,” I replied. “No one ever noticed.”
“Except you,” he said, now walking towards me. “You honed right in on him the second he got here.”
“Cut it out, Omar. Go home,” I snapped. This was the last that he could take, apparently. In response to my tone, he took hold of my shoulder and pulled me back. I almost fell with the force of it, but caught myself on the trees. My palms scraped against the bark and a dull pain bloomed in my knees as they hit the ground. I could hear him saying something about ‘disgusting spirits’ and I tried to get my bearings. Everything was darker, and I could only make out a few things at a time. Omar stood over me, still holding me while I struggled to shove him back. It wasn’t working, and he took my wrists. I flailed harder and kicked at his knees until he fell, pulling me with him.
The wind came rushing out of my lungs when I fell on top of him. He was only stunned for a second before he twisted around, putting my back to the ground and his weight over me. Anything he said I barely heard, catching only snippets between my haggard breaths. Linden ‘didn’t deserve’ me, I was a pawn in some bigger plan, he didn’t want anything but the physical.
/> My legs were tingling with numbness even though I was still trying to kick him, bucking around to get free. His weight was too much for me and his grip seemed almost bone breaking. I was yelling incoherently, muscles strained. He took a second to hold one of my arms down with his knee, using the free hand to wrench up my long skirt from under him.
My yelling turned frantic and my struggling increased. I tried to lock my knees together as Omar held both of my wrists in one hand over my head. His pelvis held me down as he concentrated on the button and zipper of his pants. Thankfully this task took his mind off my wrists for a second, and I managed to pull one free. I didn’t hesitate for a second as I balled my fingers into a fist.
Every one of my knuckles cracked when I punched him in the mouth. Omar yelled once and slapped a hand over his lip where blood was gushing. I slid out from under him as fast as I could, stumbling to get to my feet and run. I didn’t look back or say anything, I just ran full tilt away from him.
SANCTUARY
Any other night I could have navigated the swamps at ease, but tonight I could barely tell left from right. My knees hurt and I couldn’t breathe right. I didn’t see the edge of the water at my left and my foot landed just on the edge, which broke away under my weight. It sent me straight into the water, and I gulped and swallowed, trying to breathe until I found the surface again. I coughed, but couldn’t seem to get myself to pause a second. Hauling myself out of the water, I continued running, the skirt of my dress sticking to my legs.
I finally collapsed when the trees thinned out and a blessedly familiar hammock hung in front of me. My lungs refused to fill with enough air and I couldn’t stop shaking. It wasn’t even cold.
“Linden …” I tried to yell but it didn’t work. My voice came out barely a whisper, and I grit my teeth as my eyes started to sting. I realized how sick I felt—my stomach was roiling and there was a fluttering in my throat. I held my sides as I threw up the water I had previously swallowed. My stomach kept heaving even when it was empty, and it made all my muscles sore.
The Evensong Page 17