by Susan Vance
“Emma, are you okay? What is it?” Jason asked looking stunned.
Emma sat frozen. “How can he be with Marie? He isn’t real. This is Marie’s new boyfriend. He is not the stranger. He is not the stranger. I only think I see him. It is Marie’s boyfriend, that’s all. It isn’t him,” she muttered hoping Jason didn’t hear what she said.
Jason took Emma’s trembling hand in his. He reached for her other hand and squeezed them tightly. Emma closed her eyes again. Silently, she began to repeat to herself over and over, It isn’t him. It isn’t him. She opened her eyes, but refused to look over at Marie and her date again.
“Emma, what is it, Honey?”
“I’m suddenly not feeling well. I want to go home. Please take me home,” she said standing up and hardly looking at anyone.
“I’m sorry guys, but Emma must be coming down with something. I’m going to take her home.”
Alan extended his hand and Marissa kissed Emma on the cheek.
“Emma,” Marissa said, “you’re white as a ghost. I hope you aren’t getting that flu. Take care and I’ll call you in the morning. If you need anything just let me know. I can go to the pharmacy if you need me. Get some rest, okay? Just go on now, we’ll get the check.”
Emma nodded and looked at Jason to take her home.
On the way back to Emma’s apartment Jason turned to her with such a look of concern. “Emma, what happened back there?”
Emma didn’t want to tell him. She wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. She looked over at him and she could tell by the look on his face that he suspected. Jason pulled the car over to the curb and put it in park. It was cold and so he left the heater going. Emma still had not spoken. Jason sat quietly waiting.
“I. . .I don’t know. . . what to say,” she stammered. “When I saw Marie sitting there I thought she was with the man from my nightmares. I’m sorry, I hate that I have dragged you into my craziness.” She lowered her face and cried into her hands.
“Marie was with someone, Sweetheart. You didn’t imagine him. He must be the new guy in her life. I’m sure he might have looked like that guy from your nightmares, but it wasn’t, it was Marie’s new boyfriend. He’s real. You have to get a grip on this. The man from your dreams isn’t real and you know it. The man you saw tonight, Marie’s date, is real. You didn’t imagine him. You should have said something to me. Maybe I could have helped you. We could have gone over to their table and spoke to them. Emma, you have to trust me with this. He looked okay to me. If this happens again tell me, okay? We can work this out together. I know you get scared and I want to help you. I love you. I want to take care of you,” he said putting the car into drive and heading for her apartment.
“Jason, I don’t need you to take care of me. I’m not a child. I just need you to love me. It makes me strong when I think of our love. I know I have a problem. It took all my strength, but I managed not to scream out at Marie’s date. I was terrified when I saw him, but I did it, Jason, I did it. I recognized the fact that I only thought it was the man. I could see she was with someone. It’s just that when I saw his face it looked the face of the stranger. I knew it wasn’t him. I knew that, but my mind tricks me into believing I see someone else. Sometimes I see him and there isn’t anyone there at all. To me, he is as real as you are right now. Do you understand?”
Jason looked at her with compassion, but Emma wondered if he really understood.
“If you only knew what I am going through. If you only knew—I wasn’t going to tell you and I don’t want you to say anything to my parents or Dr. Williams, but I used to see him a lot. I would see him a lot more than I shared with anyone. He would wave to me and sometimes he would put his finger to his lips as if to tell me to be quiet. It terrified me. I know he isn’t real, but it terrifies me. I can’t tell the difference between my imagination and mistaking someone else for this man. My God, I attacked my neighbor across from my shop and it took all my might not to scream at Marie’s boyfriend. I don’t know what I’ll do next. It isn’t like what Dr. Williams tries to tell us. I don’t hear voices. Except, sometimes he does speak to me, but I haven’t seen him in months now. This is the first time. You believe me, don’t you?” she cried.
Jason pulled into the parking lot and they got out of the car. He put his arms around her and walked her up the stairs. He used his key and opened the door. As soon as they were inside Jason sat her down on the couch and kissed her. He held her tightly and let her calm down in his arms. After a while she relaxed, but Jason continued to hold her.
“I’m sorry you had to go through this tonight. We’re going to fight this together and we will win. I promise you, we will win. I know you aren’t crazy. I know you don’t hear voices, either. I trust in our love and together we will not only survive this, but we will have the most amazing life together. I promise you.”
“Jason, I love you so much. I want to be with you forever, always and forever. I need you. You give me the strength I need to fight this. You are my reason for wanting to be normal. Do you understand what I mean?” she asked.
“I do know what you mean. I want that also. I probably should wait until another time, but I was planning on doing this tonight and I think it will make you happy.”
He stood up and pulled something out of his pocket. He knelt down on one knee and opened the little box in his hand exposing a beautiful diamond engagement ring.
“Emma, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, to live with you and have children with you and grow old with you. Will you marry me? Will you be my wife?”
Emma wasn’t surprised. She had suspected for a little while now that he was going to pop the question. She had thought that when he did she would say yes without hesitation, but now that the day had arrived she wasn’t so quick with her answer. Perhaps it was seeing the stranger again. If the thing at the restaurant hadn’t happened tonight she might be saying, yes. She didn’t really know what to say, and even when she tried to reply she lost her words. She was still feeling upset, but this evening only proved to her that maybe it was better to wait on marriage for awhile.
“Emma, please don’t tease me. Say yes. Say you will marry me,” he begged as he remained on his one knee awaiting her answer.
Emma loved him. This much was true. She had never felt this way about anyone else. Why couldn’t this have been a special moment? They should be happy. She should be crying for joy.
“I love you and nothing would make me happier than to marry you, but I have problems. You know that. I might get worse and Dr. Williams said I might not be okay with having kids. He said there is a chance I could hurt them. I didn’t want to believe him, but after tonight I just don’t know anymore. I was feeling so good about my life. I felt free for the first time in a very long time. Then there he was again. Taunting me—haunting me. Dr. Williams said this was going to happen again and I didn’t believe him. He was right, I guess.”
“To hell with what Dr. Williams says. He doesn’t know you like I do. You’re just a patient to him. I love you, Emma. I know you. You’re the best thing in my life and I want to marry you. We can have children and, of course, they will be safe. You’ll be fine. I believe in you. I believe in us. Will you marry me?” he asked her again.
“I can’t. I do love you, but I can’t. I’m sorry. Forgive me, but I just can’t marry you.”
Jason looked at her with unbelieving eyes. Eyes that filled with tears and he looked at her for an explanation.
“I thought, well, I thought you would say yes. You just said you wanted to be with me forever. What does that mean if not marriage? Is it too soon? Too sudden? Maybe you really don’t feel the same way I do. I’m sorry too. I’m stunned. I don’t know what to say right now. I thought with all my heart you would be happy. I was certain you would say yes.” Jason stood up and turned and walked towards the door.
“Please don’t leave like this. We should talk,” she begged.
Jason opened the door then turned to face
her. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I don’t know what to say right now. I feel bad. Maybe I’m rushing you. I’m sorry.” With that, he walked out the door locking it behind him. Emma ran to the door. It was over. She just knew it. Why didn’t she just say yes?
Chapter Twenty
Several weeks went by. Jason called numerous times, but Emma always found an excuse to not spend time with him. One afternoon when he called, Emma had said she thought they should take some time apart. Jason told her that he had hoped she would miss him enough to realize how important their relationship was. Emma wanted things to be the way they were without any more talk of marriage. There was no winning on either side.
Emma spent time with her parents and would baby sit Louie as often as she could. Jody was never concerned about leaving him with Emma even though Dr. Williams had warned Jody to be careful. One evening Jody and Ryan shared with Emma that Louie was going to become a big brother soon. Emma was delighted.
“Oh Jody, I’m so happy for you. I know how important having more children is to you and Ryan. You’re so lucky to have such a wonderful family. I wish it was meant to be for me, but my life doesn’t seem to be my own anymore. It’s getting worse and I can’t stop it. I pretend it isn’t real, but that doesn’t make it go away. I see him again all the time now. Why does it have to be this way? I didn’t tell you, but after Thanksgiving I killed him.”
“What?” Jody shot back. “What are you talking about.” She looked frightened, as if she thought Emma was serious.
“Jody. Silly Jody. I didn’t really kill anyone. I mean I killed the stranger in my mind. I didn’t see him die, but I imagined in my mind that he had died. I even went to his funeral. I saw the whole thing in my mind. After that, I didn’t see him for almost two months. It was amazing. I thought I was rid of him. It didn’t last though. He rose from the grave on the same night that Jason proposed to me.”
“Jason proposed? Why didn’t you say something? We have to get planning. Mom must be overjoyed. When? What month? I’m your Matron of Honor, right? What are the colors?”
Jody went on and on until Emma couldn’t stand it any longer. “I said, no.”
Emma was crying and Jody looked confused. “What do you mean you said no? Why in the world would you say no? You’re kidding, right? You’re so in love with Jason. I don’t get it. Come on, say you’re just kidding.”
“I can’t marry anyone. At least not while I’m having these delusions. I’ve gone back to see Dr. Williams. He said it will take years and I might always see this idiot. He said I might even see others. What the hell, Jody? He said there might be others. How can I expect Jason to deal with all of this?”
“This is a bunch of crap, Emma. This sounds way too clinical to me. Dr. Williams doesn’t know you like we do. Who cares if you have an overactive imagination? I know what moves you. I know what brings you to tears and I know what you need more than that dumb doctor. Everyone needs someone. Do you understand what I’m saying? You need Jason and he needs you. This is stupid. You’re being silly,” she said with tears in her eyes.
“What do you mean? What’s silly? I’m not silly. I’m scared to death. My life is screwed and I can’t change it. I wouldn’t call that silly,” Emma said defensively. “I have to live like this and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I had to give up my beloved and hurt him so much.”
Jody obviously was having trouble finding the right words to tell Emma what a fool she was for turning down Jason’s proposal, but she didn’t let that stop her. “Emma, I think you should reconsider Jason’s proposal.”
“Why? It will only hurt him in the end,” Emma cried.
“What end?” Jody asked. “You sound like your life is soon to be over. For God’s sake, Sister, get a life here. Wake up. Okay, you have problems, I’ll grant you that, but we all do. Yours is medical. If Jason only had one leg would you still love him? Or would you not marry him because of that?”
“That’s not the same thing. Why do you say mine is medical? I’m crazy. Call it like it is, okay, Sister?”
“It’s still medical,” Jody shot back. “You’re sick because of what happened to you as a child. My God, you saw your mother being murdered. Some sick bastard killed your whole family because he wanted to rob your house and he thought no one was home. Your mom got up and he heard her and killed her and you saw it happen. That would damage anyone’s mind. You can’t help it that you see this creature all the time. I’m no doctor, but I believe that if you face what happened I think you’ll get well. I know it sounds too simple, but I believe you have to help yourself. Mom has a lot of the answers in her closet. She saved all the newspaper clippings, she knows the whole story. You don’t remember anything, but she could tell you everything. Did you know that your parent’s lawyer put some stuff in a box for you? There are pictures, and mementos, even some of your stuffed animals. Even your mom’s jewelry is in that box. All this is in storage. You need to see the box that has all of newspaper clippings and you need to see some pictures, too. They’re in her closet on the top shelf. Mom hasn’t given it to you because good old Dr. Williams said not to, but she saved it. No one wants you to know because it is very ugly and awful. The crime scene was gruesome and that is why you freak out at the sight of blood. Go see Mom, Emma. Tell her she has to help you get through this. Call me crazy, but I think that if you face the truth it will set you free. I’ve thought about this for a long time. Mom and I argue over it all the time. She only wants to protect you, but it’s doing more harm than good.”
“You’re not being fair, Jody. What can I do? How could learning the truth set me free? I don’t want to remember what happened. I don’t want to see the newspaper clippings. It was horrific. I have to forget about the past. I’m pretending the man isn’t there just like Dr. Williams said I should do. When I see the man I ignore him no matter what he says or does. I recognize that I see him, but that he only exists in my mind. That is all I can do. How can I help myself further than that?” she said sobbing.
“Well, you can start by getting Jason back in your life and accepting his proposal. That’s what you can do. Also, you get over to the folks and talk with Mom. Trust me Emma. I love you. You know I would never do anything to hurt you. Ever. Do what I say and the rest will fall into place. If Jason is willing to trust in your love then what’s the problem? Go for it. He loves you, right? You love him, right? Well, marry him, get on with your life and do the best you can. Remember, the rest will fall into place. Dr. Williams is wrong about you not having children. I mean, what a jerk. We trust you so much when it comes to Louie and we are counting on you taking care of him when the baby comes so why would we do that? Surely we wouldn’t jeopardize Louie’s well being or safety just to make you feel better.”
“I know you trust me, but what if I get worse?”
“Stop it. Just stop it. It’s all crap, just crap. They don’t know you like I do. No one does. I’ve seen you through everything. All of your nightmares and getting you back to sleep at night. Sleeping in your little bed with you all night and when we got older all the talks we had. Nope, no one knows you like I do. I know you’re not as sick as they say you are. You’re capable of great things and one of them is having a good life. You want to know just how much we trust you. In our will, if something, God forbid, happens to us, we put you as guardian for Louie. That’s how much we trust you,” she said as she held out her arms to her sister and Emma fell into them. They both cried and blew their noses and cried some more.
Emma knew Jody was right. She trusted Jody more than she did her foster mother. She had a right to a good life. Why shouldn’t she be with the man she loved? Why the hell not?
Chapter Twenty-One
Emma put on her coat and gloves and went down to her car. It was Sunday and she was going to church, afterwards she would go to her parent’s house. There was something she needed to do and they held the keys. She called Jason and asked him to come over for dinner that evening. Jason seemed delighted and t
old her not to cook, that he would bring Chinese. Emma felt that this was going to be a turning point in their relationship. She could only hope that too much time hadn’t come between them. As she pulled into the parking lot of the church she saw Jody and Ryan getting out of their car. Emma pulled up to them and rolled down the window.
“Hey, where’s the apple of my eye?”
“He spent the night at Mom and Dad’s. We’re getting a little alone time in before little Sophie gets here,” Jody said watching Emma’s expression to the news.
“Oh my, you guys, it’s a girl? Sophie? How cute is that? Oh Jody, I’m so happy for you. How perfect this is.” Emma started to cry then wiped her eyes and smiled from ear to ear.
“Thanks,” Jody replied grinning.
“Burr, It’s cold,” Emma said. “Go on in you guys and I’ll see you inside in a minute.” She didn’t want them to wait out in the cold for her to park her car. She pulled around the parking lot looking for a space and then she saw a man sitting in a car. He was just sitting in his car and staring at her. Emma pulled into a space and got out of her car not looking his way. She started walking towards the church steps without looking back. She knew it was the stranger, but she thought that if she didn’t acknowledge him he would go away, but he got out of his car and walked over to where Emma was walking and stood in her way.
“Who did you tell about me, you little whore? I see how your boyfriend comes over and spends the night. You’re a whore just like your mother. I told you not to talk to anyone about me. I’ll kill you if you do it again. You think that ignoring me will make me go away? Think again,” he said barely above a whisper.
“Go to hell,” Emma snarled. “You are dead to me. I don’t see you or hear you. You are dead to me.”