The Life I Never Asked For

by Kira Adams

  “When the time comes?” I ask, confused.

  She nods, a single tear trailing down her cheek. “When you finally feel ready to move on with someone else.”

  The words are harsh and unwanted. “What would make you say that?” I pull my hand away, hurt and baffled. It’s only been three short months since they passed away. The idea of anyone else at this point is foreign and absolutely terrifying.

  This time she’s the one looking confused. “You won’t be alone forever, and that’s okay. You deserve happiness. Finn and Easten would want that.”

  It’s still uncomfortable and I can’t even look her in the eyes right now. Of course there will come a day when I don’t feel like my heart is in a million fucking pieces. A day when I can look at someone of the opposite sex again, with any sexual intent or affection. But I’m not there yet. The idea makes me feel like the shittiest of people. I know it’s a normal succession, but I’m not ready to face it just yet.

  I don’t want to talk about the subject any longer, but also don’t want to be rude. Instead, I disarm her with a compliment on how her flowered cardigan brings out her gray-blue eyes, the same eyes as Finn, and change the subject swiftly.

  I call Keifer, only to appease Grace. She’s done so much for me over the last couple of months, it’s the least I can do.

  He answers on the fourth ring. “Hello?” his voice is gruff and unfriendly.

  “Hey, it’s Tobin.” There is no need to tell him this as he is more than aware, judging by his harsh tone.

  “I know,” he says, simply, and then the air grows silent.

  I roll my eyes, reminding myself it will all be over soon. “So, I know it’s probably crazy to ask at this point, but Grace mentioned that you are still looking for a place to stay while you are here.”

  The silence is deafening, and I debate hanging up from the awkwardness of it all. Finally, he speaks. “We can barely stand each other, isn’t that what you said? What in the world makes you think we could live under the same roof?”

  I stifle a laugh. “Oh, I wouldn’t be here. I’m going to be in Thailand for a while.”

  “Really?” he asks skeptically. “What’s in Thailand?”

  “A new beginning.”

  He seems to ponder this before responding. “Okay. I’ll consider it.”

  I scoff. “Consider it? Look, let me be honest with you…I don’t need the money. The only reason I’m looking at renting it out is because this is a beautiful home and it deserves someone who will put the various areas to good use. I’m rarely home now and even when I am, it’s hard to be in Easten’s old room or even my old bedroom. Grace has been pushing for me to rent it out to a family member instead of a stranger, for the past few weeks.”

  “I’m not too keen about renting out my dead cousin’s house from his widow. If that makes me an asshole, I’ll own it.”

  “You literally don’t make sense…why did you seem so gung-ho about it when Grace brought it up originally?” I know I’m not imagining it.

  “I said I’ll consider it,” he says, firmer this time. “Look, I have to go. I’ll see ya around.”

  Glancing at my phone, it shows that we have been speaking for just under two minutes. Two minutes in which nothing was solidified, so I have no idea if there will be someone to rent my place while I’m gone. There is silence again, and I see that he has disconnected. I really don’t know why I keep trying.

  Before – Twelve Years Together

  “Go with Daddy. Go with Daddy, Easten,” I repeat as I hand her over to Finn. “We’ve had a rough day.”

  Finn glances back at me with an apologetic expression, before switching his attention back to our little girl. “You want to go get some ice cream, baby?”

  She stops crying and begins bobbing her head up and down, enthusiastically.

  “Okay, but only big girls get to eat ice cream cones, so are you going to be a big girl for Mommy and Daddy?”

  She wipes her snotty nose with the back of her sleeve, and nods.

  “Okay, go put your shoes on.” And off she goes, racing through the house.

  Finn stares back at me. “So I take it they really weren’t kidding when they coined the phrase ‘Terrible Two’s?’

  I shake my head. “She’s not taking the news about me going back to work, like I thought she would.”

  “Well, what did you expect? If I had to choose between having my mother or father with me all day or a nanny, I’d choose the former.”

  “Now you’re just making me feel guilty,” I huff. He pulls me into him, kissing the top of my head.

  “You’re doing the best you can. If it’s any consolation, I think you’re a fucking rad mom.” Finn always knows exactly the right thing to say to make me feel better. Another one of his magical powers, I’m sure. “Plus,” he adds, “your students miss the hell out of you, and you know that. Don’t stick them with a sub for another week, if you don’t have to.”

  He’s right. I’ve taken more time than necessary to not miss a moment with my baby girl. I embraced every second of my maternity leave and then filed for a leave of absence immediately following. I couldn’t stand missing any of her “firsts”. I needed to be there.

  I kiss Finn on the neck, savoring the embrace. 5…4…3…2…

  “Daddy!” Easten shouts, as she tears through the kitchen, headed right for him. She leaps into his arms with blind faith that he will catch her like he always does. They have a connection like I’ve never seen before.

  Scooping her up like it’s nothing, he tosses her around his neck. She loves when he gives her this tall vantage point.

  “Alright, you two, have fun! Easten, behave for Daddy,” I say, giving them both quick pecks on the lips.

  “You planning on staying home?” Finn asks, eyeing me up and down.

  I nod. “I need some me time. I’m thinking a nice long bath, my Kindle, and a glass of pinot.”

  He smiles. “Take all the time you need, Mama.”

  As I watch my daughter and husband walk out the door, I thank God for the life I have, for the family I was born into, and the family I married into. I wouldn’t change a thing. From an outsider’s perspective, I have a perfect life and boy do I know it.

  Trust Your Crazy Ideas

  “So, this is the living room and over here is the dining area.” I hold my hand out as I give my fourth tour of the day. The girl is meek-looking and quiet. She peeks her head into the areas I point out, but has no commentary.

  When we finally make it to the bedroom she would be staying in, the guest bedroom, she’s still mute. “So, do you have any questions for me?”

  She shakes her head no and then finally says something. “No. Thanks.”

  “Well, rent would be due by the fifth of the month and I will be returning by January. I haven’t decided on a date yet, but that will be discussed further with the person I choose. Thanks again for coming.” I shake her hand awkwardly and then show her out of the house. Just as I am about to close the door, I see an arm shoot through to block it and my heart jolts in my chest. “Shit, Keifer, are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

  Ignoring my statement, he nods his head toward the direction of the woman who just left. “Who was that?” He makes his way inside the doorway, and now towers over me. He’s wearing his favorite shade, black, but this time he’s wearing navy jeans with it. His beard is unkempt and unruly.

  I release the air I’m holding and stare back at him, blankly. “It was someone who is interested in renting the place while I’m in Thailand…but I’m unsure why that is any of your business.”

  His eyes narrow. “You already put up an ad?”

  “Well, yeah, of course. You said you didn’t want to rent it.”

  He strokes his beard, cocking his head to the side. “If it’s not about the money, then why are you charging rent?”

  He really is something else. “What else would I do? I’m not about to give free handouts, just because.”

 
“So, are you saying you’d charge me?”

  “Keifer, why the hell are you here? You just keep showing up unannounced and uninvited. Is there something I’m missing here?”

  He looks like a deer caught in the headlights. I’ve caught him off-guard and he’s having trouble recovering. I like having the upper hand when it comes to him. “I changed my mind.”

  “What?” I nearly choke out.

  “About renting the place. Don’t let anyone else move in.”

  To say I’m shocked would be an understatement.

  “Since when?”

  “Who cares. Since now. I want to rent the place. Like Grace said, better to rent to family than to strangers. Plus, I saw the person who just left, and I know you’d much rather have me. You know me.”

  I mean, he has a point, but money is money. I don’t care if it’s coming from his rude ass or someone else. Just as long as someone is taking the burden off me while I travel. “Don’t flatter yourself. It’s not like she was the only applicant. I had three other people look at the place earlier.”

  He crosses his arms against his bulky chest, unbothered. “Get back to them all and tell them you’ve made other arrangements. It’s not too late.”

  I’m finding it amusing that he is so compelled to rent the place while I’m gone. Especially after he made such a terrible statement about renting ‘his dead cousin’s widow’s place’. “I’m not going to rent it to you for free when I know you can afford it just like everyone else. So tell me, are you serious this time, no bullshit?”

  He nods back at me, dead in the eyes. “Please, Tobin, I need this.”

  He’s telling the truth. I don’t need to make him grovel anymore. “Fine. You can have it.”

  Pumping a fist in the air as celebration, he finally breaks eye contact. “Thank you.”

  I shrug. “I mean, if it means that much to you, then I don’t want to stand in the way of that.”

  He looks down at the ground for a bit, allowing silence to fill the air. When he lifts his eyes back to me, his expression looks sad. “You know, I was wondering if you might do something for me.”

  The anticipation of what’s to come builds inside me like a tidal wave. The suspense of what he might say next has me on edge.

  “I was wondering if you might tell me about him…Finn.” He pauses. “You were with him for so many years I wasn’t around or was traveling, and I just…miss him.”

  The funny thing is, I’m not even surprised. Finn was magnetic. He affected a lot more lives than just mine. When he passed, his absence was noticed by many. His presence was missed. “You want a cup of coffee?” I ask, already heading toward the kitchen.

  I can feel Keifer behind me, following with each step. “No offense, but do you have anything stronger?”

  Nodding, I lead him to the table to sit, and grab the opened bottle of pinot noir from when Torrie was over last week. Pouring two glasses, I carry them back, handing Keifer his. “He was funny, and energetic, outgoing, and wise. He was the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for. Easten was his pride and joy.”

  Keifer’s eyes are wide as he takes in my words about Finn, as if he’s scared to blink because he will miss something.

  “Every Friday Finn would take Easten for ice cream. It was the one time a week they would spend alone together, bonding. He would always get cookie dough flavored; never the adventurous one. Easten, on the other hand, loved the cotton candy, bubblegum, and even peppermint flavors.”

  He stares back at me confused. “You didn’t tag along?”

  I shake my head. “No. She lived for that Daddy-daughter date. Plus, I loved having some time to myself…as selfish as that sounds.”

  “Tell me more,” he practically begs.

  I rack my brain trying to think of what else to tell him. “He loved the Harry Potter franchise. He had every book, every movie, and we even made a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, before Easten was born. He was obsessed.”

  Keifer chuckles, sitting back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest. “Good to hear that obsession never changed.”

  “Oh, definitely not. Let’s see…what else. Oh! I got one. When I first met Finn back in high school, he made me learn something called Magic Cards, because his cousin Keifer got him hooked on it, but then was never around to play with him.”

  “No fucking way!” he slams his palm on the table. “I still have my decks of Magic Cards.”

  I giggle. “Do you still remember how to play?”

  He shakes his head. “But I’m sure it’s something that can be easily picked back up again. Kind of like riding a bike.”

  “Funny.” I polish off my glass of wine and then get up and put my empty glass in the sink.

  “We should play.”

  “Oh, yeah, right…”

  “I’m serious. I have all my decks at home in New York.”

  “That does you no good here. Did you forget you’re in Seattle?” I’m rather enjoying giving him a hard time.

  “No, but it’s just a flight away.”

  “You make it sound so easy.” I’m sure that comes off as sexy to some women. He’s the ultimate jetsetter.

  “You make it sound so hard.”

  “What are you saying?” I ask, mildly amused.

  “I’m suggesting we hop on a plane and get us that deck of Magic Cards.” He seems so charming. I wonder how he pulls it off.

  “Don’t you think it would be a hell of a lot easier to simply call the game stores here in town to see if any of them carry Magic Cards?”

  “Yeah, but what would be the fun in that?” he asks, with a shrug.

  I guess I can’t fault him for living a lavish lifestyle.

  Before – Thirteen Years Together

  “I’m not saying my word is the end all, be all, but I think it’s something you should consider,” Finn cautions me.

  “Fine, I’ll consider it, but all of her friends are here. Our friends, our life is here.” I pause, conflicted. “It’s a catch-22. On one hand, it’s a new adventure, something I’ve been begging for…for far too long. On the other hand, it’s a clean slate. We would have to start all over again. That sounds difficult and overwhelming.”

  Finn tightens his grip on me from behind, which always makes me feel safe and secure. He presses his lips to my bare shoulder and it still gives me goosebumps even after all this time. “Just think, we would save so much money on the commute alone. Not to mention, the housing market is cheaper there. We could get a much bigger place for less. You could finally have your yoga room.”

  He knows what he’s doing. He’s been with me long enough to know the game. He’s trying to win me over. Most of the time it’s Finn’s world and we’re just living in it, but I like it that way. He makes the big decisions so I don’t have to. “I’ll consider it,” I cave. Olympia is only an hour and a half away from Seattle, but if you’re commuting anytime between four and six at night, you can pretty much guarantee another fifteen minutes on your drive. It feels like forever, some days, and other times I enjoy the solace.

  “Hey, you know what I was thinking? Maybe it’s time to start considering another baby. You don’t want there to be too much difference in age between Easten and her siblings. She is going to need buddies to play with, soon.” Finn changes the subject like it’s nothing.

  “That’s what cousins are for,” I tease.

  He tickles me mercilessly until I finally manage to crawl away. I’m gasping for air, but smiling. “Okay, fine.”

  He cocks his head to the side, playfully, before grabbing me and throwing me back onto our plush bed. Climbing on top of me, he runs his hands up the length of my legs. “Why waste time? We should get started now.”

  I giggle, but have every intention of taking him up on his offer. Pulling him into me, I press my lips to his. “Take off your pants,” I order.

  He pulls back and then really looks me in the eyes. “Yes, ma’am. You don’t have to tell me twice.” He�
��s already tugging on the bottom of his sweats, pulling them off, effortlessly. When he notices I’m not undressing at the same time, he stops abruptly. “Okay, this isn’t a one-way street. Are you going to keep your clothes on?”

  I shake my head laughing. I wasn’t intending to, but when I hear a small creak of the door and then footsteps, I know we are no longer alone. Both of our heads swivel in the same direction, knowing what’s about to come. Sure enough, Easten has made her way into the bedroom and onto the bed. “Daddy, what you doing?” she asks in her high-pitched voice.

  I stifle a laugh watching Finn try to figure out how to explain his predicament. “Daddy and Mommy are just playing, baby.”

  She cocks her head to the side, innocently, her eyes never leaving our bodies. “Why are you naked?”

  I can’t hold back; a full-blown laugh escapes my lips and I revel in the moment. I have everything I could have ever wanted or dreamed. A sexy, caring husband who always puts me and my feelings before himself and a beautiful daughter who is in the stage where curiosity is taking over. She asks no less than fifty questions a day now, but I soak it up because I know she is not going to be this small forever. I just keep telling myself to really enjoy these times. I know I am going to look back when she is in high school or even college and wish that I had more of these memories.

  Without bothering to explain his lack of clothes, Finn climbs off the bed and picks Easten up, tossing her onto the plush covers with us. She is giggling and smiling, and I can’t imagine anywhere else I’d rather be.

  Action is the Antidote to Despair

  In all my life, I’ve never sat in first class on a plane. There’s always a first for everything.