Letters to Alice

by Rosie James

  Alice shifted her position on the stool for a second. Then – ‘I do wonder whether it’s anything to do with our visit home the other week,’ she said. ‘I think it might have unsettled her.’

  After a moment Fay agreed. ‘Yes, I think you could be right,’ she said. ‘When she described how well her parents were getting along without her, and stuff – maybe that was more hurtful than if they’d said how much they were missing her.’

  ‘And all that talk about their profession, and then her piano playing after the concert, that might not have helped, either,’ Alice said. ‘It might have made her homesick for a slightly more cultured life than the one we’re all having at the moment.’

  ‘Well, at least this morning Evie’s on the feeding round,’ Fay said, getting up from her stool and moving over to the next cow. ‘That’s a bit of a soft touch, isn’t it?’

  Alice smiled. ‘Yes – and d’you know – when I do the feeds, and mix the chicken meal in with the other stuff, I really find the smell appetizing! As if I’d like a spoonful of it myself – because there’s something so basic, and comforting, about it! No wonder the chickens love it!’

  ‘Well, you carry on,’ Fay said cheerfully. ‘I’ll do without that, and stick to Mabel’s menu, thanks very much.’

  ‘Mind you, I’m not saying I’d like to share what the pigs eat,’ Alice went on. ‘All those peelings and leftovers and scraps, everything but the kitchen sink! I suppose that’s why their pens are always so mushy and smelly.’

  ‘Speaking of which, mucking them out is my job later on,’ Fay said. ‘What are you going to be doing?’

  ‘The farmer has asked me to start digging over the vegetable plot,’ Alice said. ‘I’m to start where the cabbages were – that smaller area leading to the lavatory.’ She grinned suddenly. ‘D’you remember the first day we were here – and discovered the three-in–a-row facilities? The look on Evie’s face! But – that’s something else we’ve got used to, isn’t it,’ she added.

  ‘That does seem a very long time ago, now,’ Fay said, resting her head against the cow’s backside for a second. ‘And d’you know – I hardly think about the war, now. We hardly talk about it, do we? About what’s going on in the cities?’

  ‘Well, being on a farm in the country is another life, isn’t it?’ Alice said. ‘After all, it was always going to be one of the upsides of doing this job…no bombs, no sirens. But from what we can gather, the raids do seem to have cooled off everywhere – at least for the moment.’ She shrugged. ‘Unless Herr Hitler has got some nasty surprises up his sleeve.’

  ‘Well, if he has, he’s got my permission to aim them straight at a certain house in Brislington when my father’s at home– just so long as my mum is safely out of the way, first, of course,’ Fay said.

  Alice shook her head, but she couldn’t help laughing. Fay was awful about her father. But you couldn’t escape the fact that some people just can’t get along with each other, and so they stop trying. Alice remembered how Lizzie had been when she and her mother had gone to live with the Carmichaels. Lizzie had hated Alice from the very beginning, and there’d been nothing she could do about it. Alice sincerely hoped that Lizzie didn’t take that kind of dislike to any of the patients she must now be dealing with in her nursing career. Irrational hatreds are usually insurmountable.

  A week later, after another day’s hard work and another of Mabel’s fantastic suppers, the three girls were upstairs getting ready for bed, the flickering candlelight adding to the slightly weird atmosphere in this room which had so quickly become acceptable to them all.

  Alice was the first to finish, and was crouching down to get her case from under the bed. She’d like a bit of a read tonight, she thought – if the others would stop talking.

  Fay was lying on her bed in her pyjamas, smoking a cigarette. She looked over at Eve, who was just finishing at the wash table. ‘You OK, Evie? Fay said. ‘Wanna fag?’

  Eve shook her head quickly. ‘No – no thanks,’ she said. ‘I don’t think they’re really my cup of tea.’

  Fay narrowed her eyes for a moment. Alice had been right the other day. Something was bothering Evie, and the sooner she came out with it, the better. Fay sat up, put her cigarette on the lid of a Horlicks tablet tin she used as an ash tray, and leaned forward, hugging her knees.

  ‘What’s going on, our Evie?’ she said. ‘You seem a bit down in the dumps lately…have we – Alice or me – said something to upset you? Come on, don’t keep us in the dark…one wise monkey keeping her trap shut all the time is putting me off.’

  The moment’s silence that followed that little speech might have been an hour, or even a day long, because it was filled with such tension that it made Alice get up at once, and look over at Eve, whose pale, drawn, face was a picture of misery. ‘Aren’t you feeling very well these days, Evie?’ she asked softly.

  That did it. The floodgates opened, and Eve threw herself down on her bed, buried her head in her arms and wept as if her heart was going to break.

  ‘I am so worried,’ she confessed between sobs. ‘And I don’t know what to do about it.’

  Alice went over and sat on the bed next to Eve, pulling her up and putting her arms right around her. ‘Tell us what’s worrying you, Evie,’ she said quietly. ‘We’ve known something’s been wrong…it’s not like you to be so…so solemn. Tell us what the problem is – a problem shared is a problem halved – or in our case, it’ll be a problem sliced in three! Come on…whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.’

  Eve’s sobs hadn’t lessened, even though she was clinging to Alice like a frightened child. But after a few moments, she seemed to gain some control, and started searching for her hankie in her pyjama pocket. Then – ‘It’s just that…I’m late…and I am never late! Never! It’s always been like clockwork with me…you know…with my…you know…’

  Fay threw her head back and laughed. ‘Oh – you mean late with the curse? God’s little joke at our expense? Is that all? Is that what’s been worrying you, Evie? Well, so what? I’ve been all over the place with mine, ever since we’ve been here! And it’s hardly surprising is it? Different food, different water, different way of life. Blame the bloody war.’ She shook her head and looked at Eve fondly. ‘Look, if you haven’t had one for a bit – rejoice! You’ve been given a holiday! I’m certainly rejoicing – and I’d be glad if I never had another one of the damned things!’

  Alice held onto Eve more closely. ‘Honestly, Evie,’ she said, ‘being late really is not important. You’ll be fine, believe me, and everything’s sure to be back to normal soon.’

  But this attempt at reassuring Eve fell on deaf ears, and she resumed her sobbing, rocking to and fro anxiously. Then, presently – ‘You don’t understand,’ she whimpered, ‘I’m in a terrible state…and it’s all my own fault! Because I’ve done something dreadful…dreadful!’

  There was another brief silence in the room as the others tried to take in what Eve was saying. Then Fay said quietly, ‘Well, tell us what it is you’ve done that’s so dreadful, Evie. I’m sure it’s something we can sort out.’

  Eve sniffed loudly and sat back, folding her arms in a defiant gesture. ‘Well, I’ll tell you what you can help me sort out!’ she declared. ‘You can tell me how to kill myself! Can you do that? Is there an easy – painless – way to leave this world – because that’s what I intend to do. And the sooner the better! I mean it! So don’t try and stop me!’

  By now, the other two were getting really concerned – and for once Fay didn’t chip in with some cheeky banter to try and diffuse the situation. This was serious – because Evie was serious. They both could see that.

  ‘I think we deserve to know a bit more about all this, Evie,’ Fay said. ‘Can you fill in a few details?’

  ‘Well, then – fact number one – I am pregnant,’ Eve said flatly. ‘And my parents will never forgive me. It goes against everything they’ve ever taught me about life, and they’ll never get over it. So they must neve
r know.’

  The gasps of surprise and disbelief left Alice and Fay in one single rush. Evie – pregnant? Never! And – how?

  ‘Are you sure, Evie?’ Alice asked. ‘What makes you think that you’re pregnant – apart from being late?’

  Eve turned to her sharply. ‘I’ve been having morning sickness, Alice – you know I have, because you were awake the day before yesterday when I was retching into my chamber pot. You saw me!’

  It was true that Alice had been aware that Eve wasn’t very well, but it didn’t sound much like vomiting – it sounded more like anxious little coughs that Eve was making. ‘Well – I saw you bent over the pot, Evie,’ Alice said, ‘but I didn’t think you were being sick. It sounded as if you were trying to clear your throat, that’s all.’

  ‘Well, it wasn’t just that,’ Eve said, determined to prove herself right. ‘And besides, isn’t that what morning sickness is…feeling sick, but not actually being sick?’ She began to weep again. ‘And I’ve been feeling sick for weeks.’

  However embarrassing it was going to be for Eve, Fay was determined to know more about this. ‘So then – who’s the lucky bloke, Evie?’ she said, keeping the question casual. ‘Do we know him?’

  Eve nodded slowly, and after a moment – ‘It was one of the soldiers at the Welcome Home concert,’ she said.

  This information stunned Fay into silence – for just a second. Then – ‘Oh my God, Evie,’ she said slowly.

  At that, Eve’s sobbing was so loud and persistent, Alice was afraid the Foulkes were going to hear her. She held onto Eve more tightly. ‘Sshh, Evie,’ she said gently, admitting to feeling worried, but still not able to believe that Eve was pregnant. When, and how, did it happen, with all those people around? It was unthinkable…unbelievable…

  ‘Can you explain a bit more, Evie?’ Alice said. ‘You must have gone outside with that bloke – where did it…happen? In the field, around the back?’

  Eve nodded silently. ‘Yes. We were only there for a few minutes, and he was so nice…really kind, and really interested in me, asked me questions all about myself. He’d been standing by the piano all the time I was playing for the sing-along, and he kept adding cider to my glass and I was so thirsty because the room had got so hot…’

  ‘So then – later, after the evening was over and everyone was clearing up – is that when you…went outside?’ Alice asked quietly.

  ‘Yes,’ Eve said dully. ‘And I am so ashamed of myself.’ She sniffed, trying to wipe her eyes and nose with a soaking wet hankie, and gratefully accepting a fresh one from Alice.

  Fay wasn’t entirely satisfied that they’d heard enough to convince them that Eve really had got herself up the spout. And without any preamble, she said –

  ‘During the process, did he take your knickers off – or did you?’ she enquired bluntly, and the question seemed to reverberate around the room, making Eve stop whimpering. She sat forward angrily.

  ‘I certainly did not take my knickers off!’ she almost shouted. ‘And do you think I would allow a man to do it? What on earth do you take me for?’

  Fay didn’t have an answer to that. Then – ‘Well, so – how did it…happen?’ she asked. ‘By some ghostly intervention when you weren’t looking?’

  Alice cut in. ‘Evie,’ she said, ‘what exactly happened to make you think you are pregnant? Because, with your knickers still on, it must have been – well – difficult…wasn’t it?’

  ‘Oh, we didn’t do it like that,’ Eve said miserably. ‘It was one of the other ways.’

  ‘The other ways?’ Both the others leaned forward. ‘What way, exactly?’ Fay asked curiously.

  Eve hung her head. ‘It’s so awful I can’t tell you,’ she said. ‘I can’t utter the words because it’ll feel like I’m doing it all over again.’

  Alice decided to take proper control of the situation. She knew about the facts of life, because her mother had explained them to her in simple terms. And there was something here that didn’t add up. ‘Look, Evie,’ she said, ‘if you can’t say the words out loud, whisper them to me…go on…it’ll be easier to get it off your chest. And I’ll whisper them to Fay.’ She paused, waiting for a reply. ‘And you must know how much we care about you, love you…we’re the three wise monkeys and we stick together, don’t we? And we’ll stick with you over this, too, Evie. I promise we will.’

  Eve gave a long, long sigh – then she leaned up to Alice and whispered in her ear. ‘There,’ she said flatly. ‘That’s how we did it – it wasn’t his fault and I could have stopped him, but I didn’t, because I didn’t mind it…it was all right…nice.’

  Alice sat back slowly. Poor little Evie…ignorance, lack of knowledge, had been making her ill. ‘It’s OK, Evie, it really is,’ Alice said. ‘You cannot become pregnant that way. It’s impossible.’

  ‘Oh you’re only saying that to fob me off, make me feel better!’ Eve said. ‘Because I know you can! Everyone knows it!’

  Fay couldn’t contain herself a minute longer. ‘What the hell are you both talking about?’ she demanded. ‘What’s the secret? Aren’t I going to be told?’

  ‘Whisper it to her, whisper it to her,’ Eve said, almost wringing her hands. ‘Don’t say it out loud, Alice! Please don’t!’

  ‘I’m going to, Evie, because it’s nothing…it really isn’t.’ Alice looked over at Fay. ‘They had what I believe is called a French kiss, Fay, that’s all,’ Alice said simply. Alice only knew about such a thing because she’d overheard one of the other students talking about it in the common room at college.

  Fay threw out her arms and fell back down on the bed. ‘Oh, for crying out loud, Evie,’ she said. ‘Fancy you wanting to kill yourself because some bloke put his tongue down your throat!’ She shrugged. ‘I’ve never enjoyed the experience myself, but if you did, good luck! We’ve only got one life on this Earth.’

  By now, the emotion of the evening was almost too much for Eve and she started to shake, as if she was cold. ‘But many people have told me that it’s dangerous to do that…it’s been proved you can get pregnant like that – and by sitting on a lavatory seat that’s been…infected…by a man. It’s common knowledge.’

  ‘No, Evie, it’s common ignorance,’ Alice said. ‘The only way it can happen is the way we all know about. And your “morning sickness” has been purely worry and anxiety affecting the nerves of your stomach.’ She made Eve look her in the eyes. ‘You must believe me – believe us – Evie. You have – no – problem. There is no problem. There is certainly no baby.’

  Reluctantly, Eve began to be convinced. ‘Are you absolutely sure?’ she said. ‘You’re not just saying it to stop me killing myself?’

  ‘I’m saying it because what I’m saying is the truth, and what you’ve been told is total gibberish,’ Alice said, holding both Eve’s hands in hers.

  Fay sat up. ‘Gawd, I wish we had a glass of something up here to celebrate,’ she said.

  ‘Celebrate what?’ Eve said, beginning to climb off her bed.

  ‘Celebrating that we’re still the three wise monkeys, of course!’ Fay said. ‘Because I was going to mix up some rat poison for you tomorrow if you were determined to top yourself. So that’s one job I won’t have to do.’

  Chapter Twelve

  Christmas 1941

  One evening just before Christmas, as the girls were about to leave the kitchen after their evening meal, Mabel announced that she was going to throw a special little lunch party on the Sunday before Christmas Day.

  ‘Well, Christmas Day is on Thursday this year, and you’ll all be goin’ ‘ome on Tuesday – so I thought Sunday would be just right,’ she said. ‘We’ll have somethin’ a bit special to eat – and only for us three, and you three, of course,’ she said, ‘because Christmas is all about families, isn’t it? And afterwards, in the evenin’, we usually go up to church for the Nine Lessons and Carols. Well, Rog and I do – and maybe you’d like to come with us as well? It would be great if you did…it’s a lovely
annual event – and there’s always mince pies and mulled wine afterwards – but a’course that’s up to you,’ she added.

  Alice, Fay and Eve readily agreed that it sounded a lovely idea to have a party, though they couldn’t imagine what Mabel meant by having “something special to eat” – when they already had special things to eat on a regular basis.

  Upstairs afterwards, Alice said, ‘I did think it was sweet of Mabel to consider us part of the family for her party, didn’t you?’ and the others agreed.

  ‘Yes, and the least we can do is to go with her and Roger to church afterwards,’ Eve said. Church-going was nothing new to Eve, but Fay raised her eyes briefly.

  ‘I haven’t been inside a church for ages,’ she said, ‘but I enjoy all the carols. And I’ll certainly enjoy the mulled wine afterwards!’

  Conversation began to lag a bit as they got ready for bed. Well, it had been a long, wet day, and they’d all been helping to spread manure on one of the newly-dug turnip fields. When Walter Foulkes had given out that instruction, Roger had tried to object, saying that he thought it was one job the girls shouldn’t have to do. But Fay had intervened.

  ‘Of course we can do it, Roger!’ she’d said crossly. ‘If a man can do it, then so can we! What’s the big problem? And anyway, we’re used to raking and shovelling shit by now!’

  So that’s what they’d been doing all day, and had been very glad to let Mabel take charge of their smelly boots and coats when they came back later.

  Now, as she got into bed, Alice said, ‘I wonder what Mabel meant by a party – d’you think there’ll be games?’

  ‘Blimey, I hope not,’ Fay said, coming back from the wash stand, her towel over her arm. ‘I don’t fancy Postman’s Knock and having to kiss old Foulksie…not that I’d object to a snog with Roger of course!’ She draped the towel over the clothes horse in the corner and glanced across at the others as she got into bed. ‘I don’t like Christmas, myself,’ she said. ‘Never have. It’s all so…so…false. Everyone wishing each other happy times, and having to buy presents and cards for people they don’t like. I don’t mind all the eating and drinking, of course,’ she added.