‘Just fine!’ she responded. ‘But I’ll have to wash my hair.’
He laughed and ruffled her hair. ‘Looks fine to me.’
She presented herself to him later in her special dress with her hair all curly and squeaky clean. ‘Will I do?’
‘Very well. Will I?’
Her heart started to beat oddly as she pretended to inspect him thoughtfully. He wore his jeans with a white shirt open at the throat and a very fine, dark green pullover. ‘You’ll do,’ she said in a strangely gruff little voice. ‘Let’s go!’
‘Hang on. You’ll need a jumper. It’s a lot cooler down here.’
Her brow creased. ‘I haven’t really got one, not to go with this dress.’
‘Well, I’d better lend you one of mine; you can hang it over your shoulders,’ he said, and a minute later came back with a white one. ‘There—’ he draped it carefully around her ‘—what do you reckon?’
Sidonie closed her eyes for a moment and breathed in his heady aroma that clung to the wool. But she said jauntily, ‘I might even set a new fashion—who knows? Mike, I’m starving!’ But she knew that she was forcing herself to be bright and jaunty, and wondered if she was fooling him.
It was hard to see much of the outside of the new resort in the dark but it obviously wasn’t finished from the construction materials and mounds of earth lying around on the walk up from the jetty. The main complex was finished, however, and it was not hard to see in the brightly lit restaurant that Mike attracted no little attention, and the two of them together some curious looks.
We probably do make an odd-looking couple, Sidonie thought miserably as she ploughed her way through a large steak.
‘Something wrong with it, Sid?’
‘No, no!’ She looked up anxiously.
‘I thought you said you were starving.’
‘I thought I was!’
‘Leave it,’ he said quietly. ‘Have some wine. You haven’t touched it yet. And tell me why you’re upset, Sid.’
She tensed and all but knocked the glass over as she went to pick it up. ‘I was hoping,’ she said bleakly as he steadied her hand around the stem of the glass, ‘you wouldn’t notice. I was really hoping not to spoil our last night. I’m just being stupid.’
‘Why do you imagine this is our last night, Sid?’
‘Well, it’s Tin Can Bay tomorrow; that’s the end of the line, isn’t it?’ She sipped some wine and hoped against hope it would steady her nerves.
‘No, it’s not. I thought we might go on to Melbourne together.’
Her eyes widened and she stared at him over the rim of her glass then took another hasty sip, which all but caused her to choke. ‘S-so,’ she said disjointedly, ‘that you can introduce me to a prospective employer?’
‘Something like that.’ He lay back in his chair and studied her thoughtfully. ‘How would that suit you?’
‘It would be wonderful,’ she said honestly, but——’
‘Then let’s do it,’ he drawled.
‘But…do you have to go to Melbourne? I wouldn’t want to take you out of your way!’
He grimaced, his eyes never leaving her face. ‘I definitely have to go to Melbourne and nothing you can do or say will make me change my mind.’
Sidonie lowered her glass at last. ‘Is there something I don’t understand, Mike?’
‘Possibly. I wouldn’t worry about it, though.’ His lips twisted.
She eyed him uncertainly.
‘So, while this might be our last night on Morning Mist, it’s not our last night together. By any means,’ he added idly. ‘Should we drink to that?’ He raised his glass.
Sidonie raised hers, but bemusedly.
‘I want to tell you about Helen, Sid,’ he said quietly, later, when they were stretched side by side in bed and the cabin was dark.
‘You don’t have to——’
‘Yes, I do; just be quiet and listen,’ he said wryly. ‘She is a thoroughly nice person and we did have an affair but it got bogged down, as you probably know, over what I do. The mere thought of it genuinely frightened her stiff-and it always will. She…came overseas with me for a while; I thought it might help if she saw how mundane a lot of it really is—if anything it made her worse and it affected my concentration, knowing she was waiting on the ground biting her nails mentally. Unfortunately, there was a crash round the time she was there too. So she came home, I stayed on.
‘That was the other problem—the fact that I worked overseas. They’re a very close family, the Molloys, and she found it hard to tear herself away from them. Now I’m sure you, Sid, would say that true love would find a way around all this——well, Helen and I couldn’t. And it dragged on for a time then she married someone else. That’s all there is to it because, you see, nothing has changed despite the fact that her marriage didn’t work. I’m under contract for at least another five years, and I wouldn’t want to be any other way.’
Sidonie opened her mouth to say, as she’d said before, that Helen could have changed. But she closed it and said instead, ‘Thanks for telling me. But I’m not really sure why you have.’
‘You don’t think that since you’re sharing a bed with me you warrant some sort of explanation?’ he teased. ‘Most girls when confronted with an old…mistress do.’
‘Ah, but I’m not most girls.’ And none of that tells me whether you can stop loving someone even if you can’t work your life around it, she thought but didn’t say.
‘I know, although I mistrust the way you say that.’
‘Why?’
He thought for a bit then leant up on one elbow and smoothed the collar of her pink pyjama-top about her throat- ‘I get the feeling it could be the prelude to a lengthy discourse on all sorts of things, the nature of love and life among them. However, I have a better suggestion; should we just take things one day at a time for the moment and—see how we go?’
And that was when she knew with sudden certainty that Mike Brennan, who loved someone he couldn’t have, was thinking of making do with second-best. ‘Well,’ she temporised with a tremor in her voice, ‘perhaps you’re right.’
‘Right about what?’ he enquired quizzically.
‘That it wouldn’t be a good idea to deliver myself of any lectures tonight. I must warn you that I could feel differently tomorrow, though—’
‘I’d be surprised if you didn’t. Go to sleep now.’ He kissed her lips gently.
She fell asleep surprisingly quickly. But she woke much earlier than he did and lay for a long time watching the dawn illuminate his face, and knew that now was the time to make good her promise; she wasn’t sure how, but it had to be done…
In fact it proved surprisingly easy. All she had to do was stow away on a boat…
She’d slipped out of bed before he woke and was pottering around the galley in a preoccupied, tense frame of mine when he came out of the aft cabin rubbing his hair and yawning.
‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing. Just felt like getting up early.’
He switched on the radio. ‘Any chance of a cup of tea?’
‘Coming up!’
‘It’s a hive of activity around here,’ he said, peering out of a porthole.
‘Mmm. Barges coming and going—about half an hour ago a big catamaran dropped off hundreds—well, it looked like it—of workers. Building workers.’ She stopped pouring the tea for a moment, her eyes widening, then resumed what she was doing carefully.
‘Well, we can’t go anywhere for a few hours unfortunately.’ He took a mug from her and sat down at the chart table and pulled the tide book towards him. ‘We need at least a half-tide to get through a few shallow spots.’
‘I might—would you mind if I went ashore for a while, then, Mike?’
‘Why not‘? I’ll come with you. We can see the place in the daylight.’
She turned away from him and bit her lip but said, ‘Great!’
In the event things worked out her way, though. Mike went up
top after breakfast, was recognised by someone on another boat anchored close by, an old air force friend, and invited across for a chat. He came down grimacing. ‘Do you want to come, Sid? Billy is determined to have one of those “Do you remember the time when” we were young and foolish kind of chats,’ he said with a mixture of exasperation and affection. ‘He’s offered to pick me up in his dinghy so you can still go ashore in ours if you want to.’
‘Well,’ Sidonie said slowly, her heart beating heavily and a dew of cold sweat breaking out on her brow, ‘I would like to add Fraser Island to my list of the places I’ve been, in the daylight…I have a mental list, you see.’ She gathered momentum. ‘Sidonie Hill stood here, kind of thing…’ And ran out of steam.
He laughed and kissed the top of her head. ‘OK, you go and do it, Miss Livingstone. Just don’t get entangled with any single mothers this time.’
‘I won’t,’ she promised, and couldn’t take her eyes off him as he climbed up the ladder and disappeared through the hatch.
CHAPTER NINE
IT WAS a wet, typically Melbourne day two weeks later.
Sidonie sat on a bus and watched an airliner gain height through a break in the clouds in the distance and wondered if Mike was on it. She clasped her hands in her lap and tried to control some foolish tears. Remember what you said in your note, she told herself-and that was not hard to do because the words seemed to have graven themselves on her heart…
I wish I didn’t have to do this, Mike, but it seems the only way. I feel horrible
about lying to you but in my heart and soul I know I’m not the right one for
you and the best way for both of us is a clean break. Please don’t worry about
me, I really am terribly resilient, and I’d much rather, when you thought of me,
that it was with a bit of a smile—I’m leaving you my Edward Lear to help you
along! I can’t thank you enough for everything else—
Sidonie
‘And that’s it, dear diary,’ she said to herself. ‘I’ve got myself a job—teaching again, twelve-year-olds this time, and I certainly won’t be teaching them poker, although it’s a bit of a dreary school in a dreary part of Melbourne—but no, I won’t be tempted. And I’ve got myself a flat, of sorts—’ she grimaced ‘—but once I get used to it and brighten it up a bit it’ll be fine. So that really is it, diary! I won’t be talking to you any more; that chapter of my life is closed and I can only go on to bigger and better things—’
‘You all right, miss?’
‘Oh.’ Sidonie turned to the man who had sat down beside her without her realising it. ‘Yes, really, fine, thank you! How are you?’
He stared at her and raised his eyebrows. ‘Just thought, seeing as you were talking to yourself and crying at the same time, you might not be feeling the full quid.’
Sidonie dashed at her cheeks and was mortified to find them wet. ‘Ah. Well, you see,’ she said earnestly, ‘I’ve just closed rather an epic chapter of my life—you wouldn’t believe the adventures I had! But I’m also going on to fresh fields and—er—my stop is coming soon, I mustn’t miss it! I managed to get a flat right opposite the bus stop, which I thought was rather convenient, don’t you agree?’ She stood up, peered through the rain and pressed the bell.
‘Well, I’ll tell you what I think,’ the man said with a bit of a grin, ‘you’re sickening for something, love. Why don’t you go home and go to bed?’
Sidonie cast him a speaking look as she squeezed past him but he only grinned more widely so she tossed her head and sprang off the bus with a fine disregard for the kerb—
So that when she landed she tripped on it and would have fallen had not a strong pair of arms caught her. At the same time a voice she knew well said savagely, ‘You bloody idiot! I can’t let you out of my sight!’
‘Mike?’ she whispered, going as pale as paper as she stared up into his furious blue eyes. ‘How did you find me?’
He swore and said, ‘Not with any help from you! Just tell me one thing—how did you get off that blasted island?’
‘I…’ she swallowed ‘…I stowed away.’
‘You stowed away,’ he repeated with the sort of rigid control that was actually frightening. ‘What did you stow away on?’
‘A—a barge. Wh-when they weren’t looking,’ she stammered, ‘I hopped on and hid behind a big drum. Funnily enough it’s the first time I’ve felt seasick in years but I think it might have had something to do with the fumes coming from the drum, some sort of kerosene—’
‘Stop right there, Sidonie,’ he ordered through his teeth. ‘If you think you’re going to talk your way out of this by talking twaddle, you’re mistaken. Do you realise we all but scoured the whole of Fraser Island for you? Give me your key.’
And so overpowering was the force of his rage that she fumbled in her bag and produced it.
Two minutes later they were inside and he looked around sardonically. ‘You call this being resilient?’
She bit her lip and began to take off her raincoat. ‘It’s only a start, Mike, and-what’s wrong now?’ she whispered as he turned that harsh blue gaze on her and it went even harsher if possible.
‘I thought I told you never to wear those clothes again,’ he said with soft menace.
‘I…’ She looked down at her cotton shirt and hound’s-tooth skirt. ‘They’re practical and I can’t quite afford yet to be blasé about clothes that still have a lot of wear left in them.’
‘Oh, yes, you can,’ he said, still with that harsh look, ‘so we might as well start getting rid of them now.’ And he strode towards her and started to unbutton her shirt.
‘Mike. . .’ Her eyes widened in horror as he flipped open the last button and slipped the offending shirt off her shoulders. Beneath it she wore a very plain, modest pale pink bra.
‘Sidonie?’ he replied, his eyes on it and the gentle curves beneath. Then he looked into her eyes. ‘You asked me once about the deep, dark, brooding kind of passion that goes on between men and women, didn’t you, Sid? Well, now you know—this is it.’
She licked her lips frantically. ‘I don’t know what you mean…’
‘Don’t you? Let me put it in question and answer form, then,’ he said roughly. ‘How the hell do you expect me to live the rest of my life without you?’
Her lips parted incredulously.
‘I can’t sleep, I’m overdue in the UK and all the while you’ve been merrily stowing away on barges and tripping on kerbstones—and you thought I could console myself with Edward Lear? You were wrong.’ He pulled her into his arms and held her hard against him.
‘Mike—Mike,’ she said a bit later, ‘I’m still not sure about this.’
He was seated in the only armchair the flat boasted and she was on his lap, cradled in his arms. He had kissed her forcefully and then with a deep sigh picked her up and carried her over to the chair.
‘I might have known that,’ he said ruefully. ‘Don’t you think I’ve gone through just about the full spectrum of emotions only a man in love can? Do you realise, Sid, that because of you I have a police record now?’ he said gravely.
Her eyes were huge suddenly. ‘Why?’
‘Why do I have a record of being pathetically lunatic? I’ll tell you why—I keep calling them up and getting them out to search for the same girl.’
‘Oh, Mike,’ she said contritely, ‘I am sorry about that but I did leave you a note and—I just thought that if I didn’t do it secretly—leave Fraser, I mean-—you would catch up with me before I got very far away. You haven’t——’ a sudden thought struck her ‘—had them searching for me in Melbourne, have you?’
‘No. I didn’t think they’d be very co-operative.’
‘Well, how did you find me? I’ve been very careful not to go back to the campus or the laboratory just in case.’
‘Just in case I was looking for you?’
‘Well…’ she found she had to think that one out a bit ‘. . .
I mean, it’s not much good trying to make a clean break if one can be found easily, is it?’
‘So you were really serious about never seeing me again, Sid?’ he said quietly.
She took a breath. ‘Don’t think it was easy—I mean…’ She trailed off and plucked at her skirt agitatedly. ‘How did you find me?’
‘Quite by accident. I was checking out my sea-phone account. It lists all the calls made from the boat item by item—number by number in other words—and because they once got mixed up and charged me for calls made from another boat I keep a record and check the bill against it. I came across this Melbourne number——’
‘My friend’s?’ Sidonie said on a slow breath.
‘Yes, the friend you rang from Hamilton, from the boat, to say you weren’t coming after all. She gave me your address.’
‘Oh. I didn’t think of that.’
‘I’m glad.’
‘Mike—I still don’t know what to do.’ And her grey eyes were supremely distressed.
His lips twisted then he looked around and said wryly, ‘Could we transport this conversation to somewhere more convivial, do you think?’
Sidonie looked around too and took a shuddery little breath but a spark of mutiny lit her eyes at the same time. ‘I would have made it all right,’ she said stubbornly. ‘I would have been…OK.’
He looked down at her sombrely. ‘Do you know, Sid, that’s the stuff nightmares are made of for me now…? Come, let’s go somewhere warm.’
‘I___’
But he set her on her feet and stood up himself, taking her hand. ‘Bring your hat—you haven’t lost your hat, have you?’
‘Oh, no!’ She looked shocked. ‘Without it and—’ She broke off and bit her lip.
He drove her away in what he told her was a hire car and took her to a hotel that was luxurious enough to make her eyes widen and to make her feel distinctly odd in her rather battered raincoat with her glorious hat in her hand.
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