And once up in his room he closed the curtains against the heavy, leaden dusk, lit some lamps and poured them a glass of wine each.
Sidonie took her raincoat off and hung it up carefully but in her mind were the words he’d said about nightmares, and the confusion they’d brought her—— Did he really mean…? she wondered, and sat down equally carefully and accepted her glass from him. But, as she looked up at him to thank him, all the old uncertainties hit her again and added to them was a feeling of unfamiliarity. This Mike, soberly dressed in a beautifully cut charcoal suit that undoubtedly highlighted his broad shoulders, a pristine white shirt and discreet green and black silk tie, was like another person from another world, a sophisticated, monied world way out of her league and one that also evoked memories of Helen.
‘I have to talk,’ she said urgently.
He sat down opposite her and observed the way she sat, so upright, her knees pressed together, her glass held in both hands in her lap, and suppressed a slight smile. ‘Go ahead,’ he murmured. ‘I’m not going to leap on you, Sid.’
She coloured. ‘About Helen,’ she said determinedly, however.
‘What about her?’
But it wasn’t so easy and she started a couple of times, stopped, then said helplessly, ‘She’s so elegant and lovely, so right for you and all this…’ She waved a hand expressively and ran out of words.
‘Sid,’ he said quietly, ‘I have to confess that I thought the same once—’
‘Whereas I am—’ new inspiration hit her and wouldn’t be denied ‘—such a mass of ineptitudes, wrong clothes, crazy ideas—’
‘Listen to me, Sid,’ he said compellingly; ‘those things don’t mean a thing to me—in fact I like a lot of your crazy ideas—’
‘But you don’t like my clothes.’
‘Not all of them. I like your special dress very much—I would even like you to wear it when we get married, and your hat-—’
‘Mike. . .’ She spilled some wine in her lap as her whole body tensed convulsively.
But he said with a dry little smile, ‘Keep listening, Sid—you brought this up so you owe it to me to finish it off. However lovely and elegant Helen is, the fact of the matter is also that she got transplanted in my heart by a pink and white slip of a girl, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Incidentally, she agrees with me.’
Sidonie’s eyes widened. ‘She knew?’ she whispered.
‘She knew,’ he agreed. ‘So all your precautions were unnecessary.’
‘How?’
He shrugged. ‘She must have picked up the vibes.’
‘And how do you know all this, Mike?’
‘I went to see her. She and Tim got back a few days ago. I felt I owed it to both of them to… explain. In the event it wasn’t all that necessary. She said she’d guessed that night in Pancake Creek how I felt. She also said that no longer to have to feel guilty about walking out on me and marrying another man was a tremendous relief to her and that perhaps she’d been confusing the guilt with—other feelings for a long time.’
‘Do you think that’s true?’ Sidonie stared at him like a wide-eyed little owl.
He moved his shoulders. ‘I don’t know but I very much hope that one day she finds someone to love as I have.’ He looked down at his hands for a moment then up into her eyes and his were very steady and cahn. ‘Is there anything else you want to talk about?’
She looked down, realised she held a glass of wine and suddenly raised it to her lips and took a deep draught.
‘Because if not, may I catalogue why I can’t get you out of my mind or my heart, Sid? And why I have nightmares?’
‘I—I can’t believe this is happening to me,’ she stammered. ‘You see, I find it so hard to visualise us—married. Perhaps I mean me married—I’ve got the feeling I’d be an unsuitable wife, especially for you.’ She blinked several times. ‘You know what a disaster I am in lots of respects——’
‘Not those that matter; the rest I can cope with easily—so long as I know where you are,’ he added with his lips quirking. ‘But can I begin?’
She could only stare helplessly at him.
‘In the first place,’ he said, ‘you’re the only girl I’ve ever met who is as excited about my job as I am—for that matter who even understands anything about it, so it would be fair to say we have a true meeting of the minds in that respect that would be highly suitable, don’t you agree?’
‘Well…’
‘In the second place, I can’t think of anyone I would rather have to be the mother of my kids—-’
‘Mike, I might be hopeless with babies,’ she rushed in.
‘No, you won’t,’ he contradicted. ‘Just think of them as little combustion engines—once you understand the mechanics of them, you’ll be fine. For the rest of it, they’ll have so much fun with you it will all take care of itself. Thirdly——’ he ticked off a finger then looked into her eyes with an intensity that stunned her ‘—I cannot bear the thought of any other man sleeping with you or loving you or even touching you or you touching them and perhaps doing the things I taught you; I’ve never been so lonely in my life as I have since you left, and you know, Sid, despite what you might like to think, we can philosophise until the cows come home but the simple fact is I love you and if we don’t know why or how then we’ll just have to put it down to you…being you.’
‘Oh, Mike,’ she whispered and brushed away some tears, ‘that was so lovely but——’
‘It was also true. Sid—there are any number of elegant girls out there but there’s only one you.’
‘But are you sure you don’t feel fatherly and a bit protective and are you sure that because I can understand limiting Mach numbers and things like that it mightn’t be…well, expedient to marry someone like me?’
‘Sid—look, let’s deal with this once and for all. I…’ he paused ‘…you seem to have this inflated opinion of me which in fact I find rather wounding.’ He grimaced.
‘What’s that?’ She frowned.
‘Well, you treat me like some macho hero who can only be satisfied by a stereotyped, much hackneyed version of feminine perfection, and I’m not accusing Helen of that but you don’t know anything about her other than that she’s conventionally beautiful—I find that rather discriminatory and chauvinistic to be honest.’
‘Are you calling me a chauvinist?’ she said uncertainly.
‘Why not? The word actually means extremism and has only latterly become a purely male attribute. What I mean in your respect is that you demean me when you try to tell me I can’t possibly have fallen in love with a girl who, thank God, is not a stereotyped, hackneyed version of feminine perfection but who is, to my eyes, as lovely and natural as a flower, as honest as the day is long, who is brave and intelligent, who never bores me and who, if she isn’t in my bed, makes it feel like a desolate wasteland. Is that what you’re accusing me of, Sid? I know, I know I probably gave you cause to think that once but—’ his mouth twisted and his eyes were curiously bleak ‘—is that what you really think of me now?’
Sidonie put her glass down carefully then she got up swiftly and tumbled on to her knees in front of him. ‘Oh, Mike,’ she whispered, her heart beating suddenly in a way she’d never known, ‘I think you mean it…’
‘Sid——’ he took her face gently in his hands ‘—that’s what my nightmares are all about—that I won’t be able to get you to believe it. That that wonderful, gallant, independent spirit of yours wouldn’t accept it because of all the stupid things I did when I didn’t know that I couldn’t live without you. Even when, the day before you left, I was still…dithering about because…’ He stopped and sighed.
‘Mike, I don’t think you have to go on,’ she said. ‘I——’
‘Yes, I do.’ His voice was suddenly grim and her eyes widened. ‘Let me tell you it all so there can be no further misunderstandings…I had, after Helen, barred myself, you might say, from falling in love again and that’s
why it took me so long to understand what started to happen to me when you came into my life. But I should have known for a variety of reasons; I should have known when I was moved to make that…statement with Karen.’
Sidonie moved but his fingers remained very gently cupping her face
‘I should have known then that it wasn’t just a rather brutal and cynical exercise because she was so blatant about it; I should have realised I was also saying to you, “Oh, no, little girl”,’ his voice dropped, ‘ “I can’t let you into my heart because I’m afraid of what might happen”. I should have known—’ he moved his thumbs gently on her cheeks as some tears started to fall ‘—when I couldn’t—not make love to you. Oh, I told myself that perhaps I could turn it into a self-esteem-building process for you; I told myself I might leave you feeling like a freak if I didn’t—but the truth of the matter was, I couldn’t help myself, I wanted you, I loved your unique mixture of innocence and wisdom, and never more so than that morning when you were…just so honest and so loving yourself.’
‘Mike,’ she breathed.
‘Hang on, I haven’t finished yet.’ His lips twisted. ‘Then we came to Pancake Creek, and Helen was there and I realised suddenly that all the bitterness and pain had gone, and I began to see that if I couldn’t have you what had happened with Helen would seem like child’s play. I began to see that unlike Helen I had never been able to stand seeing you walk away from me, that I got quite demented if I thought I’d lost you and I didn’t have you to teach things to, to get angry with——’ he grimaced ‘—and to see that without you to be with me life wasn’t going to be worth much at all but—Sid, the other crunch hadn’t changed, you see.’ His fingers moved on her face and he looked deep into her eyes. ‘I know, we both know that it doesn’t frighten you, what I do, and that you can take a realistic view of it, but there is still an element of danger in it that can put enormous strain on a wife. I’ve seen it so many times, in other marriages that have appeared to start out so well. And that’s why I didn’t do what I really wanted to do after Pancake Creek—which was handcuff you to me until I could find someone to marry us.’
‘Oh, Mike …’ her mouth trembled but there were stars in her eyes ‘…I can only say, again, that if you weren’t happy I couldn’t be happy; it just seems to be the way I’m made.’
‘Now will you marry me, Sid?’
‘Yes, Mike,’ she said tremulously, ‘only I didn’t bring my dress with me.’
He laughed quietly. ‘We can go and get it.’ And he took her slender, naked body into his arms and rubbed his chin on her head. ‘Feeling OK?’
‘Yes. Why?’ she asked softly.
‘I’ve got the feeling I got a bit carried away.’
She thought of his intense lovemaking that had been so different from the gentleness and restraint he’d always used before—as if he hadn’t been able to help himself—and smiled a wise, secret little smile against his chest. Because it had resolved her one last lingering doubt—the doubt that he could ever hunger for her in this way; it had quite routed her fish and chips theory, in fact.
‘No,’ she said seriously and moved away but linked her arms round his neck and let just her nipples brush the hard wall of his chest. ‘I liked it,’ she added consideringly. ‘It gave me the feeling that I’d progressed up to Dover sole, you see, even beyond perhaps. Would it be too much to say that I’ve come as far as—lobster?’
He laughed and kissed her throat and drew his hands down her slim length as if he couldn’t quite believe she was real, then wrapped her tight in his arms. ‘Sid, sweet Sid,’ he murmured huskily and she felt that hunger in him again, ‘lobster, champagne and far beyond—-just promise me one thing: don’t ever run away from me again.’
‘No, Mike,’ she said obediently and clung close to him, trembling in his arms as a sort of nervous reaction started to set in.
‘Hush, sweetheart,’ he soothed.
‘It’s just that it’s like all my dreams come true,’ she whispered. ‘I haven’t had a chance to tell you that yet or tell you that I’m not so brave and all the things you said about me. I was actually scared stiff and lonely too and…bereft.’
He kissed her eyelids. ‘We make a fine pair, then. My darling Sid, you’re safe now. And so am I.’
‘Is that how you really feel?’ She couldn’t help looking wonderingly into his eyes. ‘I thought it was only me…’
‘I know what you thought, but the truth is you’re my safe harbour more than you’ll probably ever know. You’ve released me from all the darkness you saw so accurately in me.’
‘Mike,’ she whispered, ‘that makes me feel so wonderful.’
‘Good,’ he said wryly, ‘then no more worries about being an unsuitable wife, because no one could suit me better. It’s been like a…true voyage of discovery, reverting to nautical terms. And I won’t rest easy until I know you believe me.’
So she tried to show him.
But two days later at their marriage ceremony, when he’d put a ring on her finger, she said solemnly, ‘I’ve got something for you, Mike. You may not have missed it but I took this when I ran away, as a keepsake, and I slept with it next to my heart all the time we were apart; it was the only way I survived those days—I know it may not show you I suddenly believe I’ll transform into a suitable wife but it will show how much I love you.’
He looked down at his red bandanna in her hands then swept her into his arms as if he’d never let her go.
‘Er—’ The marriage celebrant cleared his throat then shrugged and resigned himself to wait.
‘Had this couple today,’ he said to his wife later, ‘who acted rather strangely. She gave him a scarf, not a new one either—quite a faded old one, in fact—and after he’d stopped kissing her, which took a long time, believe me, and despite the fact he was really well dressed—good suit and so on, and looked a regular sort of guy—he tied it round his head.’
‘Takes all kinds, dear,’ his wife said wisely.
An Unsuitable Wife Page 16