A Dyslexic Walks Into a Bra

by Nick Harris

  Why didn’t the sailors play cards?

  – Because the captain was sitting on the deck.

  An army private was out one night when he met the general walking his dog.

  ‘Nice night, soldier,’ said the general.

  ‘Uh, yes, sir,’ replied the private nervously.

  Pointing to his dog, the general said: ‘This is a golden retriever – the best breed of dog to train.’

  ‘Uh, yes, sir,’ agreed the private.

  ‘I got this dog for my wife,’ said the general.

  The private said: ‘Good trade, sir.’

  A cargo plane was preparing for departure from a US Air Force base in Greenland, and the crew were waiting for the truck to arrive so that the aircraft’s sewage tank could be pumped out. The aircraft commander was growing impatient. Not only did the truck show up late but the airman carrying out the task was extremely slow at pumping out the tank. Finally the commander snapped and vowed to punish the airman for being so slow.

  The airman replied: ‘Sir, I have no stripes, it is twenty degrees below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland miles from civilization, and I’m pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?’

  Why are soldier so tired on 1 April?

  – Because they’ve just had a thirty-one-day March.

  During World War Two, German soldiers were rampaging through French villages, seizing food, wine and women. In one village, everybody fled in advance except for a young man and his ninety-two-year-old grandmother who refused to be driven out by the Germans. When the German tanks rumbled into the near-deserted village, the soldiers cornered the young man.

  ‘Bring us food!’ they ordered.

  ‘All I have left is a loaf of bread,’ he replied meekly.

  ‘War is war,’ said the soldiers, and they forced him to hand over the last crumbs of bread.

  Then they yelled: ‘Bring us wine!’

  ‘All I have left is less than half a bottle,’ said the young man.

  ‘War is war,’ insisted the soldiers, and they made him hand over the remainder of the bottle of wine.

  Then the soldiers shouted: ‘Bring us a woman!’

  ‘But there is only one woman left in the village,’ protested the young man.

  ‘War is war,’ barked the soldiers.

  So the young man fetched his ninety-two-year-old grandmother. The German soldiers took one look at her and said: ‘Uh, perhaps we will let you off this time.’

  ‘No way,’ said Grandma. ‘War is war.’

  Art and Books

  In an art gallery, a woman was studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of champagne, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad, and a plate of smoked salmon. Yet one painting was priced at a hundred dollars, the other at a hundred and twenty-five dollars. So she asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other.

  ‘It’s obvious,’ said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting. ‘You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one.’

  An artist and his model were involved in a passionate embrace on his studio couch when he suddenly heard a key turning in the door.

  ‘Quick!’ he said. ‘It’s my wife. Take your clothes off and pretend we’re working!’

  A man walked into a bookshop and said: ‘I’d like to buy a book by Shakespeare.’

  ‘Yes, sir,’ replied the sales assistant. ‘Which one?’

  ‘William, of course,’ said the man.

  On a visit to an art gallery, a man was puzzled by what appeared to be a blank canvas. So when he spotted the artist, he asked him what it was supposed to be.

  ‘That, sir, is a cow grazing,’ said the artist with pride.

  ‘Where’s the grass?’ asked the visitor.

  ‘The cow’s eaten it, sir.’

  ‘Well, where’s the cow?’

  The artist turned to him and said: ‘Surely you don’t think the cow would be foolish to stay after she had eaten all the grass?’

  A man went into a bookshop and asked the sales assistant: ‘Where’s the self-help section?’

  She said: ‘If I told you, it would defeat the purpose.’

  Did you hear about the man who read a book about anti-gravity?

  – It was impossible to put down.

  While working at home, Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar. The intruder escaped, but Picasso told police he could draw a picture of the suspect. On the basis of his drawing, police arrested a three-eyed woman, Adolf Hitler, a washing machine and the Eiffel Tower.

  A man went into a bookshop and asked the woman behind the counter: ‘Do you keep stationery here?’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘Sometimes I wriggle about a bit.’

  A man went into a library and asked where he could find books on suicide.

  ‘Second shelf on the right,’ replied the librarian.

  ‘But I’ve already looked in that section,’ said the man, ‘and it’s empty.’

  ‘I’m not surprised,’ said the librarian. ‘They don’t often bring them back.’

  A woman visiting an art gallery was bewildered by some of the paintings being exhibited. One picture was purple with vivid yellow swirls and the one next to it was bright red with lime green blobs. Since the artist was standing nearby, she took the opportunity to remonstrate with him.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘but I simply don’t understand your paintings.’

  He replied haughtily: ‘I paint what I feel inside me.’

  ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?’

  A chicken walked into a library, went up to the desk and said: ‘Book, book, book, book.’

  The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.

  Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘Book, book, book, book.’

  The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.

  Ten minutes later, the chicken brought the book back, threw it on the desk and said: ‘Book, book, book, book.’

  The librarian handed the chicken a third book but this time decided to follow the bird. He saw the chicken hurry off down the street and stop at the village pond where a frog was sitting on a lily pad. The chicken showed the book to the frog but the frog shook its head and said: ‘Read-it, read-it, read-it.’

  An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.

  ‘I have good news and bad news,’ replied the gallery owner. ‘The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered whether it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all twenty of your paintings.’

  ‘That’s wonderful!’ exclaimed the artist. ‘So what’s the bad news?’

  ‘The man was your doctor.’

  Bankers

  A new schoolteacher was getting to know the children by asking them their name and what their father did for a living.

  The first little girl said: ‘My name is Kelly and my Daddy is a builder.’

  The second child said: ‘My name is Kylie and my Daddy works in a factory.’

  And so it went on until one little boy said: ‘My name is David and my Dad is a stripper in a gay bar.’

  The teacher gasped in horror and quickly changed the subject. Later in the school yard the teacher approached David privately and asked if it was really true that his father danced naked in a gay bar.

  David blushed and said: ‘No, he’s really a banker, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone.’

  Two tigers were walking in single file through the jungle. Suddenly the tiger at the back began licking the butt of the tiger in front.

  ‘Cut it out,’ said the first tiger.

  The second tiger apologized and they continued walking.

  Five minutes later, the second tiger again started licking the butt of the first tiger.

  ‘Will you st
op doing that?’ snarled the first tiger.

  The second tiger apologized, and they continued on their way.

  Five minutes later, the second tiger again licked the first tiger’s butt.

  ‘What is it with you?’ hissed the first tiger, turning angrily and baring his claws.

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ said the second tiger. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. But earlier today I ate a banker and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth.’

  What’s the difference between a banker and a vampire?

  – A vampire sucks blood at night.

  What’s the difference between a banker and a trampoline?

  – You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline.

  A city banker was driving along in his stretch limo when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside. The banker ordered his chauffeur to stop, wound down the car window and called over to the man: ‘Why are you eating grass?’

  ‘Because, sir,’ he replied, ‘we don’t have enough money for proper food.’

  ‘Come with me then,’ said the banker.

  ‘But sir, I have a wife and six children.’

  ‘That’s okay,’ said the banker. ‘Bring them all along.’

  The man and his family climbed gratefully into the banker’s limo. ‘Sir, you are too kind. How can I ever thank you for taking all of us with you, offering a new home to total strangers?’

  ‘No, you don’t understand,’ said the banker. ‘The grass at my mansion is four feet high. No lawn mower will cut it!’

  What’s the difference between an investment banker and someone who lost all his money betting on horses?

  – A tie.

  A young man went to see a bank manager with a view to extending his overdraft. At first, the manager refused even to consider the request but when the young man pleaded with him, he reconsidered.

  ‘I’ll tell you what I’ll do,’ said the bank manager. ‘I’m a sporting man and I enjoy a wager. I’ve got a glass eye and if you can tell which one it is, I’ll extend your overdraft.’

  ‘It’s your left eye,’ said the young man without hesitation.

  ‘That’s correct,’ said the bank manager. ‘How did you know?’

  The young man replied: ‘Because it’s a damn sight more sympathetic than your right eye.’

  What does a banker use for birth control?

  – His personality.

  What’s the difference between a no-claims bonus and a banker’s bonus?

  – You lose your no-claims bonus after a crash.

  A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn’t know what he was, because he couldn’t see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

  The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: ‘You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.’

  The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

  The blind rabbit felt the blind snake all over and finally declared: ‘You’re cold, you’re slimy and you don’t have any balls. You must be a banker.’

  What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can’t sell anything?

  – ‘Quarter pounder with fries, please.’

  Bars

  A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. ‘Sorry,’ said the bartender, ‘I’m afraid I can’t serve you.’

  ‘Why not?’ asked the snake.

  ‘Because you can’t hold your drink.’

  A neutron walked into a bar and said to the bartender: ‘How much for a beer?’

  The bartender said: ‘For you, no charge.’

  A man walked into a bar and said: ‘Bartender, give me two shots – one for me and one for my buddy here.’

  The bartender asked: ‘Do you want both drinks now or do you want me to wait till your buddy arrives to pour his?’

  ‘No, it’s okay,’ said the man. ‘I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.’ And with that, he pulled out a little three-inch-high man from his pocket.

  ‘That’s amazing,’ said the bartender. ‘Can he walk?’

  The man flicked a coin down to the end of the bar and said to his tiny friend: ‘Hey, Kev, go and get that coin.’

  Kev duly ran along the bar, fetched the coin and brought it back to the man.

  The bartender was impressed. ‘What else can he do?’ he asked. ‘Can he dance?’

  ‘Sure he can dance,’ said the man. ‘Come on, Kev, show the bartender your favourite jig.’

  And with that the little fellow did a dance on the bar.

  ‘Hey, he’s great!’ laughed the bartender. ‘Tell me, can he talk, too?’

  ‘Talk?’ said the man. ‘Sure he talks. Hey, Kev, tell him about that time we were on safari in Africa and you insulted that witch doctor.’

  A woman walked into a bar with a newt perched on her shoulder. She ordered a drink for herself and one for the newt.

  ‘What’s its name?’ asked the bartender.

  ‘Tiny,’ said the woman.

  ‘Why do you call it Tiny?’

  ‘Because he’s my newt.’

  David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

  The bartender said: ‘It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff.’

  ‘Just call me Hoff,’ said the actor.

  ‘Sure,’ said the bartender. ‘No hassle.’

  A man walked into a bar and ordered a hot dog and a beer. He drank the beer, put the hot dog on his head, smashed it with his hand and walked out before the bartender could say anything.

  The man returned the next day and once again he ordered a hot dog and a beer. The bartender watched in amazement as the man drank the beer, put the hot dog on his head, smashed it with his hand and walked out.

  The man was back again the following day and placed his usual order of a hot dog and a beer. But this time the bartender decided to catch him out, saying: ‘I’m sorry, sir. We’re out of hot dogs.’

  ‘Very well,’ said the man. ‘I’ll have a cheeseburger and a beer.’

  He drank the beer, put the cheeseburger on his head, smashed it with his hand and headed for the door.

  ‘Wait!’ shouted the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer. ‘Why did you smash that cheeseburger on your head?’

  The man replied: ‘Because you didn’t have any hot dogs.’

  Two fonts walked into a bar. The bartender said: ‘Sorry, we don’t want your type in here.’

  A mushroom walked into a bar and announced: ‘The drinks are on me!’

  The bartender asked: ‘Why are you buying everybody drinks?’

  The mushroom replied: ‘Because I’m a fungi.’

  The bartender asked a man sitting at the bar: ‘What’ll you have?’

  The man answered: ‘A scotch, please.’

  The bartender handed him the drink and said: ‘That’ll be five dollars.’

  The man said: ‘What do you mean? I don’t owe you anything for this.’

  A lawyer sitting nearby overheard the conversation. He said to the bartender: ‘The customer’s got a point. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.’

  The bartender was predictably unhappy, but said to the man: ‘Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.’

  The next day, the same man walked into the bar. The bartender said: ‘What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to keep away from this place. I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to come back.’

  The man said innocently: ‘What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this bar in my life.’

  Fearing that he had made a mistake, the bartender backed down. ‘I’m very sorry,’ he said, ‘but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you,’ said the
man. ‘I’ll have a scotch.’

  A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said: ‘Hey, we have a drink named after you.’

  The grasshopper looked at him and said: ‘You have a drink named Derek?’

  A piece of black tarmac walked into a bar and said to the bartender: ‘Give me a pint and make it quick because I’m tough and I’m scared of nobody.’

  Just then a piece of red tarmac walked into the bar, whereupon the black tarmac immediately fled to the toilet.

  Ten minutes later, the black tarmac re-emerged and asked the bartender nervously: ‘Has he gone yet?’

  The bartender laughed: ‘I thought you said you were scared of nobody! So what’s the big deal with the red tarmac?’

  The black tarmac said: ‘Trust me, nobody messes with him. He’s a cycle path.’

  A piece of string walked into a bar, hopped onto a stool and shouted to the bartender: ‘Gimme a drink!’

  The bartender angrily picked up the piece of string and threw it out into the street.

  The piece of string thought: ‘I’ll show him. I’ll go back in disguise. He won’t know it’s me and at the last minute I’ll humiliate him.’ So the string contorted its body into a different shape and frizzed its hair in an afro. Then it went back into the bar, hopped onto a stool and yelled: ‘Gimme a drink!’