by Nick Harris
The bartender said: ‘You’re that piece of string I threw out a few minutes ago.’
The piece of string said: ‘I’m a frayed knot.’
A cowboy walked into a saloon wearing a coconut-filled chocolate bar in place of a hat.
‘What’s up with him?’ the bartender asked one of the regulars.
‘Oh, he’s got a bounty on his head.’
A young girl walked into a bar and asked for a double vodka.
The barman looked at her suspiciously and asked: ‘How old are you?’
‘Fifteen,’ answered the girl brazenly.
‘Fifteen?!’ yelled the barman. ‘Are you trying to get me into trouble?’
‘Maybe later,’ said the girl, ‘but for now I’ll just have the vodka.’
A sausage walked into a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said: ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food.’
A man walked into a smart city centre bar and sat down on a stool. The bartender said: ‘What can I get you to drink, sir? How about a nice relaxing beer? We’ve got a special brew on offer this evening.’
‘I’m sorry,’ replied the man loftily, ‘I don’t drink alcohol. I tried it once but I didn’t like it and I haven’t touched a drop since.’
Being a friendly sort, the bartender thought he would try and strike up conversation by offering the man a cigar. ‘You can’t smoke it in here, of course,’ he said, ‘but you could keep it for later.’
‘No thank you,’ said the man with a sneer. ‘I don’t smoke. I tried it once but I didn’t like it and I haven’t smoked since. Listen, I appreciate you are merely trying to be sociable but the fact is that I wouldn’t be in this place at all but for the fact that I’m waiting for my son.’
To which the bartender remarked: ‘Your only child, I presume?’
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the bartender gave her one.
Charles Dickens walked into a bar. The bartender said: ‘Olive or twist?’
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. After taking a sip of the wine, he hurled the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the shock, the man started weeping.
‘I’m really sorry,’ he sobbed. ‘I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.’
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic and suggested that the man see an analyst about his problem. ‘I happen to have the name of a good psychiatrist,’ said the bartender. ‘My brother and my wife both go to him, and they say he’s the best there is.’
Three months later, the man returned to the same bar. The bartender remembered him straight away. ‘Did you do what I suggested?’ he asked, pouring the man a glass of white wine.
‘I certainly did,’ said the man. ‘I’ve been seeing that psychiatrist you recommended for two sessions every week.’ Then he took a sip of the wine and threw the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. ‘The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,’ he spluttered.
‘On the contrary,’ insisted the man. ‘He’s done me the world of good.’
‘But you threw the wine in my face again!’
‘Yes, but it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.’
A man walked into a bar carrying three wooden panels and two wooden posts.
‘You can’t bring those in here,’ said the bartender.
‘Why not?’ asked the man.
‘They may cause a fence.’
Jesus walked into a bar and asked for a glass of water, which he promptly turned into wine.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ yelled the bartender.
Jesus replied: ‘Well, I’m not paying your prices for a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.’
Two hydrogen atoms walked into a bar. One said: ‘Oh dear, I think I’ve lost an electron.’
The other said: ‘Are you sure?’
The first said: ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
A bartender was just locking up for the night when there was a knock on the door. He opened the door to find a snail sitting there.
‘What do you want?’ asked the bartender.
‘I want a drink,’ said the snail.
‘Go away,’ said the bartender. ‘We’re closed.’
‘Please,’ begged the snail, ‘I’m desperate for a drink.’
‘I’m sorry,’ repeated the bartender. ‘We’re closed.’
‘Just one drink,’ pleaded the snail.
‘No,’ snapped the bartender – and with that he kicked the snail down the street and slammed the door.
Eight months later, the bartender was again locking up when he heard a knock on the door. He opened the door to see the same snail sitting there.
The snail said: ‘What did you do that for?’
A man walked into a bar but the bartender said: ‘Sorry, I can’t serve you unless you’re wearing a tie.’
The man said: ‘Okay, I’ll be right back.’
He went to his car to search for something suitable but all he could find was a set of jump cables. So he tied them around his neck, went back into the bar and asked: ‘Is this okay?’
The bartender said: ‘Well, alright, but don’t start anything.’
Battle of the Sexes
Three men were walking in the country when they came to a wide, raging river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so.
The first man prayed to God: ‘Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.’ And POOF! God gave him powerful arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the mighty river in two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed: ‘Please, God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river.’ And POOF! God gave him a rowing boat, and he was able to row across the river in an hour.
The third man saw how this tactic worked for the other two, and so he prayed: ‘Please, God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river.’ And POOF! God turned him into a woman.
She looked at a map, and then walked across the bridge.
What’s a man’s idea of a romantic night out?
– A candlelit football stadium.
What do a toilet and an anniversary have in common?
– Men always miss them.
Why don’t men eat between meals?
– There is no ‘between’ meals.
A little girl asked her mother: ‘How did the human race appear?’
The mother answered: ‘God made Adam and Eve, they had children and that’s how all mankind was made.’
Two days later, the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered: ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: ‘Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said it developed from monkeys?’
‘Well, darling,’ said the mother, ‘it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.’
What do you call an intelligent, handsome, sensitive man?
– A rumour.
What should you give a man who has everything?
– A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
– Because breasts don’t have eyes.
With the casino virtually deserted, the two male dealers at the craps table were idling away their time. Then suddenly an attractive woman appeared and said that she wanted to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
‘Certainly, madam,’ they said, happy to relieve the boredom.
‘There’s just one thing though,’ she added. ‘I hope you don’t mind, but playing topless always brings me luck. So as there’s hardly anyone about, would you mind if I took my top and bra off?’
So she removed her
top and her bra, threw the dice and yelled: ‘I’ve won! I’ve won! I can’t believe it!’ Then she scooped up the money, picked up her clothes and left.
The two dealers were stunned. ‘What did she roll anyway?’ asked one.
‘I don’t know,’ said the other. ‘I thought you were watching the dice!’
Why do men marry virgins?
– Because they can’t stand criticism.
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
– He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty trolley when he heard a woman ask: ‘Excuse me, do you want that trolley?’
‘No, he answered, ‘I’m only after one thing.’
‘Huh,’ she mumbled. ‘Typical man!’
Why are men like cycling helmets?
– Because they’re useful in an emergency but the rest of the time they just look silly.
What do train sets and breasts have in common?
– They’re intended for children, but it’s usually the men who end up playing with them.
A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically: ‘I don’t know why you wear a bra – you’ve got nothing to put in it.’
She replied: ‘Well, you wear underpants, don’t you?’
What a woman says
‘This place is a mess!
Come on, you and I need to clean.
Your stuff is on the floor
And you’ll have no clothes to wear
If we don’t do the laundry right now.’
And what a man hears
‘Blah, blah, blah, blah, COME ON,
Blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
Blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
Blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.’
Things That Men Can’t Do
Replace an empty roll of toilet paper.
Make a bed.
Find a matching pair of socks.
Watch TV without constantly checking what’s on the other channels.
Hand over custody of the TV remote.
Go to the supermarket without buying junk food.
Throw out old clothes that no longer fit them.
Fold clean clothes.
Clean a bathroom.
Throw away an empty milk carton.
Refrain from scratching their crotch in public.
Hang up wet towels.
Read instructions.
Suffer a common cold without thinking they’re going to die.
Go to the pub for just one drink.
Wrap a gift.
Sit still through an entire movie.
Try to fix something without hitting it first.
Things That Women Can’t Do
Know anything about a car except its colour.
Understand the offside rule in soccer.
Go more than two minutes without sending a text message.
Understand a movie plot.
Read a map.
Lift.
Throw.
Catch.
Park.
Fart.
Play pool.
Pee out of a train window.
Argue without shouting.
Get told off without crying.
Understand fruit machines.
Clear their throat noisily.
Eat a kebab whilst walking.
Walk past a shoe shop.
Not comment on a stranger’s clothes.
Use small amounts of toilet paper.
Drink a pint gracefully.
Get a round in.
Throw a punch.
Take less than half an hour in the bathroom.
Set a DVD recorder.
Buy a purse that fits into their pocket.
Get to the point.
How do men exercise on the beach?
– By sucking their stomach in every time they see a bikini.
What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
– Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
– Men will actually search for a golf ball.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
– You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
A man said to his drinking buddy: ‘My wife is the double of Kate Moss.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. Kate Moss weighs eight stone and my wife weighs sixteen stone.’
How many men does it take to open a beer?
– None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
What’s long and hard and makes women moan?
– An ironing board.
If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who’s to blame?
– The motorcyclist: he shouldn’t have been riding in the kitchen.
‘Good afternoon, ladies,’ said Sherlock Holmes to three women sitting on a bench in a London park.
‘Do you know those women?’ asked his faithful companion, Dr Watson.
‘No,’ said Holmes as the pair continued walking. ‘I don’t know the spinster, the prostitute and the new bride.’
‘Good heavens, Holmes!’ exclaimed Watson. ‘If you don’t know them, how can you be so sure that they are what you say?’
‘Elementary, my dear Watson,’ explained Holmes, glancing back. ‘Observe how they are eating their bananas.’
‘So?’
‘Well, Watson, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces which she then puts in her mouth.’
‘I see what you mean, Holmes. That’s amazing! What about the prostitute?’
‘She holds the banana in both hands and crams it into her mouth.’
‘Holmes, you’ve surpassed yourself! But how do you know that the other woman is a new bride?’
‘Simple,’ replied Holmes. ‘She holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to push her head towards the banana.’
What should you give a woman who has everything?
– Penicillin.
If Women Ruled the World . . .
Men would get ‘reputations’ for sleeping around.
PMS would be a legitimate defence in court.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a ‘good catch’ simply because he has a pulse.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
Men who design women’s shoes would be forced to wear them.
During a midlife crisis, men would get hot flushes and women would date nineteen-year-olds.
Eating chocolate would be compulsory.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.