by Nick Harris
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there’d be no pictures.
Maternity leave would last for three years – with full pay.
What food reduces a woman’s sex drive by ninety per cent?
– Wedding cake.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
– So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How can a man tell if his wife is dead?
– The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
– Eileen.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card bill?
– Bernadette.
What do you call a woman with excessive hair on her top lip?
– Tash.
What’s the difference between a woman and a mobile phone?
– You can put a mobile phone on silent.
Why is an ex-wife like an inflamed appendix?
– She causes a lot of pain and suffering and after she’s removed you realize you didn’t need her anyway.
What would have happened if the birth of Jesus had been attended by Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. But what would they have said as they left?
‘Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?’
‘That baby doesn’t look anything like Joseph!’
‘Virgin?! Who’s she kidding? I knew her in school!’
‘Can you believe they allowed all those disgusting animals in there?’
‘I heard that Joseph isn’t even working at the moment!’
‘I wouldn’t bet on getting your casserole dish back in a hurry!’
Birds
A vicar new to the area visited a little old lady who owned a pet parrot. He noticed that the bird had a ribbon tied to each leg.
‘What are the ribbons for?’ he enquired.
The old lady said: ‘If I pull the left ribbon, he sings “Clementine”, and if I pull the right ribbon, he sings “Yankee Doodle Dandy”.’
‘And what happens if you pull both ribbons at the same time?’ asked the vicar.
‘I fall off the bloody perch!’ said the parrot.
A man started bidding for a parrot at auction. He thought the bird would cost around sixty dollars, but a mystery bidder kept stepping in at the last minute to push up the price. Soon the price had risen to over a hundred and twenty dollars, more than double what the man had intended to pay. By now he was more determined than ever to buy the bird but decided to set an absolute limit of two hundred dollars. If he couldn’t get the parrot for that price, he would withdraw from the bidding.
Prompted by the mystery bidder, the price continued to soar and the man put in his final bid of two hundred dollars.
The auctioneer said: ‘Going once . . .’
The man waited with baited breath.
‘Going twice . . .’
No sound from the mystery bidder.
‘Sold!’ The man breathed a big sigh of relief.
As he was paying for the bird, he said to the auctioneer: ‘I hope this parrot can talk. I’ll be cross if I’ve paid that much money for him only to find he can’t talk.’
‘Of course he can talk,’ said the auctioneer. ‘Who do you think was bidding against you?’
A penguin walked into a bar and asked the barman: ‘Have you seen my brother?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the barman. ‘What does he look like?’
One day, a young sooty tern was flying out over the sea with its parents when the mummy bird ran into a cliff and dropped to the ground. Oblivious to his mate’s fate, the father tern flew on, but the youngster swooped to the foot of the cliff in a bid to save her. Alas, the mummy tern was already dead, and the tearful youngster was taken under the wing of a family of seagulls.
A week later, the head of the seagull family announced: ‘You are an extremely well-behaved bird, but I’m afraid we can’t keep you. Instead we’re going to try and find a tern who can adopt you, to act as a replacement mummy.’
So the seagull put an ad in the local paper: One good tern deserves a mother.
A circus owner walked into a bar and saw everyone gathered around a table. On the table was a duck tap-dancing on an upturned flower pot. The circus owner was so impressed that he bought the duck and the flower pot for a thousand dollars.
People came from miles around to see the duck’s heavily promoted debut in the Big Top but to widespread disappointment, the duck didn’t dance a step. The next day, the angry circus owner returned to the bar to seek out the man who had sold the duck to him.
‘That duck is a fraud,’ raged the circus owner. ‘He hasn’t danced a step for me.’
‘That’s odd. Did you remember to light the candle under the flower pot?’
Why do birds fly south in the water?
– Because it’s too far to walk.
A man bought a budgie from a pet shop but was disappointed when it refused to talk. So he went back to the shop to complain.
‘I’ve had this budgie for three months,’ said the man, ‘and he hasn’t uttered a single word. What should I do?’
‘Try getting him a mirror,’ suggested the shop owner. ‘Budgies love to look at their own reflection. You’ll see, soon you won’t be able to stop him talking.’
So the man bought a mirror, but still the budgie wouldn’t talk. Two weeks later, the man returned to the shop.
‘Try buying him a ladder,’ advised the shop owner. ‘They love climbing. He won’t stop talking once he’s got a ladder.’
So the man bought a ladder, but the budgie remained silent. Two weeks later, the man was back at the pet shop.
‘Try getting him a bell,’ said the shop owner. ‘I’m sure that will work. The sound of music will encourage him to talk.’
So the man bought a bell. Two weeks later, he returned to the pet shop.
‘Finally my budgie said something!’ he announced. ‘He looked in his mirror, climbed up his ladder, rang his bell, said a few words, and then dropped dead off his perch.’
‘Oh dear!’ said the shop owner. ‘What did he say?’
‘He said: “Doesn’t that shop sell any bloody bird seed?”’
Two ducks were on honeymoon in a smart hotel. Just as they were about to make love, the male duck said: ‘Oh no, I forget to bring any condoms! I’ll ring down to room service.’
So he phoned room service and the woman there said: ‘Condoms? Certainly, sir. Would you like them on your bill?’
‘No,’ said the duck. ‘I’d suffocate.’
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
– Because if it lifted up both it would fall over.
What happens to ducks before they grow up?
– They grow down.
A woman bought a parrot with beautiful plumage, but the only thing it could say was, ‘Who is it?’ After a few days she realized that the bird’s colour clashed with the rest of the living room, so she called a decorator to give the room a new coat of paint. When he arrived to do the job, she had just gone to the Post Office to mail a letter, leaving the parrot in charge of the house.
The decorator knocked on the front door.
‘Who is it?’ squawked the parrot.
‘It’s the decorator.’
‘Who is it?’ repeated the parrot.
‘It’s the decorator.’
‘Who is it?’
‘It’s the decorator!’ yelled the man impatiently.
‘Who is it?’
‘It’s the bloody decorator!’
‘Who is it?’
‘I said it’s the decorator!’
And with that, the man suffered a fatal heart attack and collapsed on the doorstep.
A few minutes
later, the woman returned home. Seeing the body on the step, she exclaimed: ‘My God! Who is it?’
The parrot replied: ‘It’s the decorator!’
A burglar broke into a house and started to ransack the place in search of cash. As he passed the budgie’s cage, the bird said: ‘I can see you and so can Jesus.’
The burglar paid no attention and continued with his search. Again the budgie said: ‘I can see you and so can Jesus.’
Irritated by the budgie’s squawking, the burglar turned to the bird and growled: ‘What are you going to do to stop me? You’re only a budgie.’
‘That’s true,’ replied the budgie, ‘but Jesus is a Rottweiler.’
Why don’t owls mate during a storm?
– Because it’s too wet to woo.
A police officer saw a man driving a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulled the guy over and said: ‘You can’t drive around with penguins in this town. Take them to the zoo immediately.’
The next day, he saw the man still driving around with the penguins, and this time they were wearing sunglasses.
The cop said: ‘I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday.’
‘I did,’ replied the man. ‘And today I’m taking them to the beach.’
A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road. The chicken walked over to the duck and said: ‘Don’t do it, pal. You’ll never hear the end of it!’
Birth
Two women sitting in the doctor’s waiting room began discussing babies.
‘I am desperate for a baby,’ said one, ‘but I fear it’s never going to happen.’
‘I used to think that,’ said the other. ‘But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby in four months.’
‘How did it all change?’
‘I went to a faith healer.’
‘But I’ve tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help at all.’
The pregnant woman smiled and whispered: ‘Next time, try going alone.’
A young man walked into a pharmacy to buy a packet of condoms. The sales clerk persuaded him to buy some multicoloured condoms, which were on special offer.
Nine months later, the young man returned to the drug store to buy a maternity bra.
‘What bust?’ asked the clerk.
‘I think it was the red one,’ said the young man.
A young couple were desperate to start a family but after nine years of trying they began to fear that they were destined never to have children. Having exhausted all medical advice, the wife read a magazine article about sperm donors and wondered whether they could be the way forward. She approached a few male friends to ask if they would be willing to donate their sperm but all declined on moral grounds. So, with her husband’s full support, she contacted a stranger who was advertising his services as a sperm donor. He arranged to call on her at home the following Tuesday while her husband was at work. The wife was uneasy about the procedure anyway but couldn’t bear the thought of going through with it while her husband was in the house.
On that same Tuesday a baby photographer happened to be calling door-to-door in the neighbourhood. He called at the wife’s house, and she answered the door, expecting the sperm donor.
‘Good morning, madam,’ said the photographer. ‘You don’t know me, but I’ve come to . . .’
‘Yes, I know,’ she interrupted. ‘There’s no need to explain. Come in. I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Oh, really?’ said the photographer, thinking that his advertising campaign must have paid off. ‘I must say I do specialize in babies.’
‘That’s what my husband and I were hoping,’ she said apprehensively. ‘So tell me, where do we start?’
‘Well, I usually try a couple on the bed, one on the couch and a couple outside in the garden. That always works for me.’
‘I see,’ she said. ‘No wonder Peter and I haven’t had much luck.’
‘If we try several different positions and I shoot from five or six different angles, I’m sure you’ll be satisfied with the results.’
‘I do hope so,’ she replied, becoming increasingly nervous. ‘Can we get this over with quickly?’
‘In my line of work I have to take my time,’ he said. ‘You can’t rush these things. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I think you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘That’s true,’ she sighed knowingly.
The photographer opened his case and pulled out a folder of baby pictures. ‘This one was done on top of a bus,’ he announced proudly.
‘Really?’ she said, a mixture of surprise and horror.
‘And these twins turned out really well considering that their mother was difficult to work with.’
‘In what way was she difficult?’
‘She insisted that we go to the park. People were crowding four deep to watch, so it was really difficult to get the job done properly. It took over three and a half hours before we were finished. I was absolutely exhausted.’
By now the wife was sick with worry.
‘Right,’ he said. ‘I’ll just get my tripod.’
‘Tripod?’ she queried, ashen-faced.
‘Yes, I need a tripod on which to rest my Canon.’
At that point the wife fainted.
Did you hear about the man whose wife asked him to go into town and buy a baby monitor?
– He couldn’t find one anywhere, so he bought her an iguana instead.
A group of pregnant women and their partners were attending an antenatal class. The instructor was stressing the importance of keeping healthy during pregnancy.
‘Exercise is good for you, ladies,’ he said. Walking is particularly beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.’
Hearing this, one man called out: ‘Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?’
Why don’t the wives of bus drivers get pregnant?
– Because bus drivers have a habit of pulling out unexpectedly.
A young man was pacing up and down outside the maternity ward of a hospital. Meanwhile an older man was calmly reading a magazine. Suspecting that the older man was not a first-time father, the young man asked him: ‘How long after the baby is born can you have sex with the mother?’
The older man looked up from his magazine and answered: ‘It depends on whether she’s in a public ward or a private ward.’
A woman was lying in hospital, giving birth. After twenty-five minutes of pushing, panting and sweating, the baby’s head finally popped out. The baby took one look at the doctor and asked: ‘Are you my daddy?’
‘No, I’m not,’ replied the startled doctor – and the baby popped back into the womb.
The obstetrician was immediately summoned to the ward. As soon as he arrived, the baby’s head popped out again.
‘Are you my daddy?’ asked the baby.
‘No, I’m not,’ said the obstetrician.
The obstetrician decided to fetch the boy’s father who had been waiting outside. ‘The baby seems reluctant to come out,’ said the medic. ‘He keeps asking for his father, so would you come into the delivery room?’
The father entered the delivery room and the baby’s head popped out again.
‘Are you my daddy?’ asked the baby.
The father knelt down and answered proudly: ‘Yes, son, I’m your father.’
At this, the baby started tapping his index finger forcibly and repeatedly on the father’s forehead and said: ‘That’s pretty damned annoying, isn’t it?’
Blondes
Two blondes went away on an adventure activity weekend in the country. The archery and rifle events ran smoothly but during the hunting expedition the pair became hopelessly lost. They were unable to get a signal on their mobile phones and all their cries for help remained unanswered. So they sat down forlornly and discussed what to do next.
Then, eyeing the weap
onry, one said: ‘Didn’t the guide say that we should shoot into the air to summon help if we got lost?’
‘You’re right,’ said the other blonde and she grabbed the bag containing the weapons.
But after another two and a half hours and ten shots, still no one came.
‘Do you think anyone will find us?’ asked the first blonde dejectedly.
‘I hope so,’ said the other. ‘We’ve only got two arrows left.’
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
– She didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
How do you change a blonde’s mind?
– Blow in her ear.
How do you confuse a blonde?
– Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
A blonde police officer stopped a blonde driver and asked for identification. The blonde driver hunted around in her purse but couldn’t find her licence. ‘Sorry, officer,’ she said. ‘I must have left it at home.’
‘Well, do you have any form of identification on you?’ asked the blonde officer.
The blonde driver took out a mirror and said: ‘I do have this picture of me.’