by Nick Harris
The blonde officer took the mirror and looked into it. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.’
Did you hear about the blonde couple who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
– They went to see Closed For The Winter.
A group of dinner party guests were discussing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
One man stated bluntly: ‘No woman can keep a secret.’
‘That’s so not true,’ said the pretty blonde sitting opposite him. ‘I’ve kept my age a secret since I was twenty.’
‘You’ll let it slip some day,’ said the man.
‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘When a woman has kept a secret for eighteen years, she can keep it for ever.’
Two blondes decided that they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree one year, so they ventured into the heart of the forest to search for the perfect tree. They had taken the precaution of wearing warm winter gear – hat, coat, scarf and gloves – and had brought with them all the necessary equipment, including a hacksaw, a hatchet and a rope to drag the fallen tree back to their car. Everything had been planned down to the last detail.
In driving snow and a biting wind, they spent hours looking for the perfect Christmas tree. Having gone to such trouble they were determined not to go home empty-handed. Finally just as the sun was beginning to go down, one blonde turned to the other and said: ‘I can’t take this anymore. There are hundreds of beautiful trees out there. Let’s just pick one whether it’s decorated or not!’
Why did the blonde move to LA?
– It was easier to spell.
A blonde went to the hospital to donate blood. The nurse asked her: ‘What type are you?’
The blonde replied: ‘I’m an outgoing cat-lover.’
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
– Both are empty from the neck up.
An office manager saw a blonde standing next to a fax machine and sobbing into a paper tissue.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked.
‘It’s this machine!’ she wailed. ‘I just can’t get it to send a fax.’
Patiently he showed her how to do it and the sheet of paper was sent through successfully.
‘There you are!’ he said. ‘It’s easy really.’
But when she lifted the lid and saw the piece of paper, she started crying again. ‘You’re wrong – it hasn’t worked at all!’ she shrieked. ‘It’s still there!’
On her first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor who told her to start preparing for landing when she reached an altitude of three hundred feet.
The blonde asked: ‘How will I know when I’m at three hundred feet?’
‘Generally speaking,’ said the instructor, ‘when you get to three hundred feet you can start recognizing the faces of people on the ground.’
The blonde thought about this for a moment and then said: ‘But what if there’s nobody there I know?’
Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet?
– To feed the toilet duck.
A blonde went to the doctor and said: ‘Doctor, I accidentally spilt a bottle of shampoo down the plughole and ended up swallowing a little. Will I die?’
The doctor smiled: ‘Well, everyone is going to die eventually.’
‘Oh my God!’ shrieked the blonde. ‘Everyone?! What have I done?’
A blonde dashed into a hospital emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off.
‘What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘I was trying to commit suicide,’ replied the blonde.
The doctor was puzzled. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?’
‘No, silly!’ smiled the blonde. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, but I thought: I just paid ten thousand dollars for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest. Then I put the gun in my mouth, but I thought: I just paid four thousand dollars to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So what did you do?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well,’ continued the blonde, ‘I put the gun to my ear, but I thought: this is going to make a really loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.’
Fed up with people making fun of her just because of her hair colour, a blonde decided she would show her husband how smart she was by painting their bedroom while he was out at work. That evening, he returned home to find the bedroom newly painted but his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He couldn’t help noticing that she was wearing a raincoat on top of a ski jacket.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked.
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ she gasped. ‘You see, I wanted to prove to you that not all blondes are dumb by painting the bedroom.’
‘Right. And why are you wearing a raincoat and a ski jacket?’
‘Well,’ she replied, ‘I was reading the directions on the tin of paint and it said: “For best results, put on two coats.”’
Two blondes met up for coffee. One said: ‘Wasn’t yesterday’s blackout terrible? I was stuck in an elevator for three hours!’
‘That’s nothing,’ said the other blonde. ‘I was left standing on an escalator for three hours!’
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
– Wave to her.
Two female crews – one all blonde, the other brunette – were putting up telephone poles in a country town. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the brunettes how many poles they had put in the ground.
‘Sixteen,’ answered the leader of the brunettes proudly.
‘Well done, girls,’ said the foreman. He then asked the blonde crew how many poles they had put in.
‘Two,’ replied the leader of the blondes.
‘Is that all?’ yelled the foreman. ‘The others did sixteen. How come you only managed two?’
‘That’s all very well,’ said the leader of the blondes defiantly, ‘but look at how much they left sticking out of the ground.’
A blonde was rollerblading while wearing a pair of headphones. She called in at a hair salon and asked for a cut but insisted that she couldn’t possibly take off the headphones.
‘Well, I’m sorry,’ said the stylist, ‘but I can’t cut your hair while you’re wearing headphones.’
So the blonde tried another hair salon further up the street. ‘I’d like my hair cut,’ she told the stylist, ‘but I won’t take off my headphones.’
‘Very well,’ said the stylist. ‘I’ll try and work round them.’
After a while the blonde fell asleep in the chair, so the stylist took the opportunity to remove the headphones. Within seconds the blonde was dead.
Mystified by what had caused the sudden death, the stylist listened to the headphones. They were repeating over and over: ‘Breathe in, breathe out . . .’
A blind man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. He sat down and announced loudly: ‘Does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?’
A deathly silence fell over the room. Then a woman tapped him on the shoulder and said: ‘Sir, since you are blind, I think it’s only fair to let you know that the bartender is a blonde woman, the bouncer is a blonde woman, the woman to your left is blonde and a professional wrestler, the woman to your right is a blonde weightlifter and I’m a six-foot-tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Now do you still want to tell that joke?’
‘No,’ said the blind man. ‘Not if I’m going to have to explain it five times!’
A police officer saw a blonde crying in the street. ‘What’s happened, ma’am?’ he asked.
She sobbed: ‘A thief has just stolen sixty dollars that I had hidden inside my panties.’
‘Did you try to stop him?’ said the officer.
The blonde replied: ‘I didn’t know he was after my money!’
A movie had just started at
the cinema when a blonde sitting in the middle of the row suddenly stood up and said she needed to go. Everyone muttered darkly about having to stand up to let the blonde out and she apologized profusely as she clambered over people’s legs and bags.
When she finally reached the end of the row, the man in the last seat moaned: ‘Couldn’t you have done this earlier?’
‘Sorry but no, I couldn’t,’ said the blonde. ‘The “Turn off Your Mobile Phone” message only just flashed up on screen.’
The man was mystified. ‘So why did you need to get up?’
The blonde said: ‘Because mine is in the car.’
Children
A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
‘What’s the matter, son?’ asked his father.
‘I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet,’ said the boy.
‘Never mind, son, but we’d better throw it out.’
So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
‘Isn’t that my toothbrush?’ asked the father.
‘Yes,’ said the boy, ‘and we’d better throw this one out, too, because it fell in the toilet last week.’
Little Johnny came into the house for dinner after playing with his little friend Sally. His parents asked him what he had been doing all afternoon.
He said: ‘I played football for a while and then I proposed to Sally.’
His parents thought that was really sweet and, not wishing to make fun of him, went along with the idea. His father said: ‘But, Johnny, you know being married is an expensive business. How are you going to manage?’
‘Well,’ said Johnny, ‘with the seven dollars I get each week from you and the five dollars she gets from her mum and dad, we should be okay. I can always get a paper round.’
Suppressing a smile, his mother said: ‘That’s all very well, darling. But how will you and Sally manage if you have a baby?’
‘Well,’ said Johnny, ‘so far – touch wood – we’ve been lucky.’
The head of an international company needed to speak urgently with one of his managers at the weekend, so he phoned him at home. The phone was answered by a small boy in a voice that was little more than a whisper.
‘Hello,’ said the boss. ‘Is your daddy home?’
‘Yes,’ whispered the child.
‘May I speak with him?’
‘No.’
It was a word the boss wasn’t accustomed to hearing. ‘Well,’ he continued, ‘is your mummy there?’
‘Yes,’ whispered the boy.
‘May I speak with her?’
‘No.’
By now the boss was starting to lose patience. ‘Listen, son,’ he said, ‘is anyone else there?’
‘Yes,’ said the boy, ‘a policeman.’
The news took the boss by surprise. ‘Well, may I speak with him?’
‘No, he’s busy,’ whispered the boy.
‘Busy doing what?’
‘Talking to Daddy, Mummy and the firemen.’
Just then, the boss heard a strange whirring sound down the phone. ‘What’s that noise?’ he asked.
‘A helicopter,’ whispered the boy.
‘What exactly is going on here?’ said the boss.
‘The search team just landed the helicopter outside our house,’ said the boy.
‘What are they doing there?’
The boy whispered: ‘They’re looking for me.’
Little Johnny’s dog Muffin was sick and the boy was worried that his dad would have bad news when he came back from seeing the vet. Sure enough, when his father returned home he said: ‘I’m afraid it’s not good news, son. The vet thinks Muffin’s only got another few weeks to live.’
Hearing this, Johnny burst into tears.
Trying to console him, his father said: ‘Muffin wouldn’t want you to be sad. He’d want you to remember all the happy times you had together.’
Johnny rubbed his eyes. ‘Can we give Muffin a funeral?’
‘Of course we can,’ said his father.
‘Can I invite all my friends?’
‘Sure you can.’
‘And can we have cake and ice cream?’
‘You can have whatever you want.’
‘Dad,’ said Johnny. ‘Can we kill Muffin today?’
Two small boys were walking home from school. One said: ‘I’m really worried. My dad works six days a week to give us a lovely home, plenty of food and great vacations. And my mum spends all day keeping the house clean, washing and ironing my clothes and cooking great meals, and then on three evenings she does a part-time job to earn us extra little luxuries.’
‘Wow!’ said his friend. ‘You sound really lucky. So why are you worried?’
The first boy said: ‘What if they try to escape?’
A boy was looking through the big, old family Bible when something fell out. It was a leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages.
‘Mum, look what I found,’ said the boy.
‘What have you got there?’ asked his mother as he showed her the leaf.
He said: ‘I think it’s Adam’s suit!’
A young girl was looking at a picture book when she asked her mother: ‘Mummy, where do babies come from?’
‘The stork, darling,’ replied the mother.
Satisfied with the answer, the girl returned to her book but a few moments later asked: ‘Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?’
‘The police, darling,’ answered the mother.
The girl returned to her book, but seconds later she asked: ‘Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?’
‘The fire department, darling,’ said the mother.
The girl went back to her book but then asked: ‘Mummy, if I’m sick, who will make me better?’
‘The doctor, darling,’ said the mother.
The girl looked at another picture in her book before asking: ‘Mummy, where does our dinner come from?’
‘The butcher, darling,’ said the mother.
The girl then closed her book and asked: ‘Mummy, what do we need Daddy for?’
The lifeguard at the swimming pool called over Little Johnny. ‘You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,’ said the lifeguard. ‘You’re going to have to leave.’
‘But everyone pees in the pool,’ Johnny protested.
‘Maybe,’ said the lifeguard. ‘But not from the diving board.’
A little boy wanted a new bicycle for Christmas. His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if he wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.
So the boy started writing a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year . . .’ He then crossed that out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one month.’ Still he wasn’t happy, so he crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one week.’ His head in a spin, he tore up the paper and went for a walk.
As he passed the local church, he noticed a nativity scene. When nobody was looking, he grabbed the figure of Mary, hid it under his coat and ran home.
There, he composed a new letter. ‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again . . .’
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They got into line behind an overweight woman wearing a business suit, complete with pager. As the mother waited patiently, the boy looked at the woman in front and observed loudly: ‘She’s fat.’
The big woman turned around immediately and glared at the child, causing the embarrassed mother to reprimand him quietly.
However a minute later, the unrepentant boy spread his hands as far as they would go and said loudly: ‘I bet her butt is that wide!’
Again the woman turned and gave him a withering look, forcing the mother to give him a sterner telling off.
But a couple of minutes later t
he boy stated loudly: ‘Look how the fat hangs over her belt!’
The woman turned and told the mother that she ought to teach her son some manners. The mother responded by issuing threats if he did not behave himself. The boy promised to keep quiet.
Moments later, the large woman reached the front of the queue but just as she did so, her pager began to emit its distinctive tone. The boy could not help himself. ‘Run for your life, Mum!’ he yelled in panic. ‘She’s backing up!’
An elderly man was walking down the street one day when he noticed a small boy struggling to press the doorbell at a house. However the boy was too short to reach. So the kindly old man walked up to the boy, placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and gave the doorbell a firm press.
‘There,’ said the old man, stepping back. ‘Now what do we do, young man?’
The boy replied: ‘We run like crazy!’
Two brothers aged seven and nine were always getting into trouble. Having tried everything to get them to behave, their parents decided as a last resort to contact a fire and brimstone preacher who had experienced some success in dealing with wayward children. The preacher agreed to help and asked to see the boys individually.
First he called in the seven-year-old, sat him down and asked sternly: ‘Where is God?’
The boy didn’t answer, so the preacher repeated the question, this time more forcefully. ‘Where is God?’