by Nick Harris
‘To be perfectly honest I’m not sure either,’ replied the Irishman, ‘but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and my wife said to me: “You’d better get a potato clock.”’
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
The Englishman said: ‘In my pub in London, if I buy two pints of beer, I get the third pint free.’
The Scotsman said: ‘At my pub in Glasgow, if I buy three double whiskies, they let me have the fourth one free.’
‘That’s nothing,’ said the Irishman. ‘At my local bar in Dublin, if you have six pints of Guinness, you get the seventh one free and then you go upstairs and have sex for free!’
‘Is that true?’ asked the other two. ‘Has that happened to you?’
‘Well, no, not to me personally,’ admitted the Irishman, ‘but it happens to my sister all the time.’
Paddy’s wife was about to give birth, so he rushed her to hospital. On arrival, the nurse asked: ‘How dilated is she?’
‘Bejaysus!’ beamed Paddy. ‘We’re both over the moon!’
An Irishman walked into a shop and said: ‘Can I have some Irish sausages please?’
The assistant looked at him and said: ‘Are you Irish?’
‘If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?’ demanded the Irishman indignantly. ‘Or if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?’ Warming to his theme, he went on: ‘Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you? Eh?’
The assistant said: ‘Well, no…’
Encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman stepped his argument up a gear. ‘And if I asked you for frogs’ legs, would you ask me if I was French? What about Danish bacon – would you ask me if I was Danish?’
‘Well no, I probably wouldn’t,’ conceded the assistant.
Bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman prepared to deliver his coup de grâce. ‘So why then did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?’
The assistant replied: ‘Because this is a hardware store.’
A policeman was called out to a farm in County Wicklow where the farmer had reported losing 2,033 pigs. The policeman took down the details but when he got back to the station to enter the theft onto the police computer, he decided to double-check the exact amount with the farmer.
‘Mr O’Reilly,’ he said, ‘are you absolutely sure that you lost 2,033 pigs?’
‘Oh yeth, dat ith right,’ said the farmer.
Satisfied, the policeman put down the phone and typed: ‘Farmer lost two sows and thirty-three pigs.’
Patrick and Sean went to claim disability benefits by lying about being deaf. Patrick walked in and the woman behind the desk said: ‘Shut the door behind you.’
‘Okay,’ he replied and shut the door.
So the woman immediately knew he wasn’t deaf and threw him out.
On his way out, Patrick whispered to Sean: ‘Don’t shut the door – it’s a trick.’
Sean walked in and again the woman said: ‘Shut the door behind you.’
Remembering what Patrick had said, Sean turned to the woman and replied: ‘Shut it your bloody self!’
Russian
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
‘Look at their reserve and calm,’ said the Englishman. ‘They must be English.’
‘Nonsense,’ said the Frenchman. ‘They are naked and beautiful. Clearly they must be French.’
The Russian shook his head. ‘No clothes, no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian!’
What was the name of the Russian who invented a cure for the common cold?
– Benylin Forchestikov.
A Russian army captain was trying to explain to his comrades the effects of an atomic bomb. ‘Now imagine twenty, no, forty, no, a hundred cases of vodka and no one to drink them!’
Why do Russians go around in threes?
– So that there is one who can read, one who can write, and one who can keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
Did you hear about the new chain of coffee shops in Russia?
– It’s called Tsarbucks.
Scottish
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a heathery hillside in the Scottish Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lassie turned to him and said: ‘A penny for your thoughts.’
The lad was a bit embarrassed, but finally he said: ‘If you must know, I was thinking how nice it would be if you gave me a wee kiss.’
So she kissed him.
Afterwards, he once again fell into a pensive mood, prompting her to ask him: ‘What are you thinking now?’
To which the lad replied: ‘Well, I was hoping you hadn’t forgotten about the penny.’
Why do Scottish families have double glazing?
– So their children can’t hear the ice cream van.
A pretty young tourist said to an elderly Scotsman: ‘I’ve always wanted to know what’s under a Scotsman’s kilt.’
‘Why don’t you take a look for yourself?’ said the Scotsman.
‘Oh!’ she screamed, lifting up his kilt. ‘It’s gruesome!’
‘Aye,’ replied the Scotsman, ‘and if you stay a few moments it’ll have grue some more!’
A Glaswegian took his wife to hospital. She had two black eyes and a broken arm.
‘What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘She was going through the change,’ replied the Glaswegian.
The doctor was bewildered. ‘Women don’t get black eyes and a broken arm when they go through the change!’
The Glaswegian said: ‘They do when it’s in my pocket!’
Two Scotsmen – Hamish and Angus – were sitting in a hotel bar discussing Hamish’s forthcoming wedding.
‘How are the preparations going?’ asked Angus.
‘They’re coming along nicely,’ replied Hamish. ‘The invitations have been printed, I’ve got my best man and I’ve arranged my stag night. And I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in.’
‘A kilt?’ said Angus. ‘You’ll look very smart, I’m sure. What’s the tartan?’
‘Och,’ replied Hamish, ‘I imagine she’ll just be in white.’
Farming
A city family bought a farm in the country, where they planned to raise cattle. A friend came to visit one weekend and asked if the ranch had a name.
‘Well,’ said the would-be cattleman, ‘to be honest we’ve had a few arguments over names. I wanted to call the ranch Bar-K; my wife preferred Lindy-M; one son liked the Happy-J; and my other son wanted the Busy-B. So as a compromise we’ve called it the Bar-K-Lindy-M-Happy-J-Busy-B Ranch.’
‘I see,’ said the friend. ‘But tell me, where are all your cattle?’
‘So far, none have survived the branding.’
An old farmer had dedicated his life to collecting tractors. By the age of seventy he had built up a collection of hundreds of tractors from all over the world, but then he began to tire of the hobby. He had to spend hours each day cleaning them, ensuring that they were in immaculate condition, but eventually he realized there were better things he could be doing with his time. So he decided to sell his collection to an enthusiast from Iowa.
To discuss the terms of the sale, the farmer arranged to meet the buyer in a local bar popular with farming folk. The air was thick with pipe smoke but the farmer enjoyed talking to the buyer about the tractors that had once been his great passion. After an hour or so, he asked the buyer if he wanted another beer.
‘That would be good,’ said the buyer, ‘but would you mind if we went someplace else? The air in here is so smoky I can hardly breathe.’
‘There’s no need for us to leave,’ said the farmer. ‘Here, w
atch this.’
With that, the farmer took a deep breath and sucked in every last particle of smoke from the room. Then he leaned out of the window and blew the smoke away.
‘How did you manage that?’ asked the buyer.
‘It was easy,’ said the farmer. ‘Remember, I’m an ex-tractor fan.’
Before hurrying into town on business, a farmer said to his wife: ‘Oh, I nearly forgot. That guy will be along this afternoon to impregnate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the correct stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate. Are you clear with that?’
The wife, who knew precious little about farming, nodded hesitantly.
That afternoon, the inseminator arrived, and the wife, as instructed, led him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
‘This is the cow right here,’ she said.
‘What’s the nail for?’ asked the inseminator.
The wife shrugged and replied: ‘I guess it’s to hang up your pants.’
A city guy was visiting a small farm in the country, where he saw the farmer feed his pigs in a most peculiar way. The farmer would lift the pig up to an apple tree and allow the pig to eat the fruit straight from the tree. He would then move the pig from one apple to another until it had eaten enough before starting the process all over again with the next pig.
After observing this routine for half an hour, the city guy felt he had to say something. ‘The way you feed your pigs is terribly inefficient,’ he said. ‘Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground.’
The farmer shrugged his shoulders and replied: ‘What’s time to a pig?’
A man was driving along a country road when he saw a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer wasn’t doing anything and simply appeared to be gazing into the distance.
The driver stopped his car and called out: ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,’ replied the farmer.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Well,’ explained the farmer, ‘I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.’
What did the farmer say to the goat that wouldn’t reproduce?
– You must be kidding.
A farmer kept a donkey in a stable, but the donkey’s ears were so long that they repeatedly hit the top of the door, causing the animal to kick out dangerously. So the farmer decided to raise the height of the doorframe.
He spent all day toiling away with his hacksaw. Seeing that he was struggling to complete the task, his neighbour suggested: ‘Instead of lifting the doorframe, wouldn’t it be easier if you simply dug out the ground in the doorway and made it deeper?’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ said the farmer. ‘It’s the donkey’s ears that are too long, not his legs!’
On his first visit to the city, a farmer went into a public toilet that had two cubicles. One was locked, so he went into the other, dropped his pants and sat down. No sooner had he sat down than a voice from the next cubicle said: ‘Hi, buddy, how’re you doing?’
The farmer was a bit freaked out by this but, not wishing to appear rude, he answered: ‘Not too bad, thanks.’
There was a short pause and then he heard the voice again. ‘So what are you up to?’
The farmer wasn’t sure whether or not to answer but reluctantly replied: ‘Just having a poop. You?’
Then he heard the voice for a third time. ‘Sorry, buddy, I’ll have to call you back. Some idiot in the next cubicle is answering everything I say.’
While out walking one day, two men came across an abandoned well. Curious as to how deep it was, they threw a stone down the well and waited for the sound of it hitting the bottom. But they heard nothing.
So they found a larger rock and threw that down the well. Still they heard nothing.
They clearly needed something bigger and after a quick search of the surrounding area, they found a railway sleeper. Summoning every ounce of their combined strength, they managed to carry the heavy sleeper across to the well and dropped it down the hole. As they stood back waiting for the sound of it hitting the bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leaped into the open well.
The men were still recovering from the shock when a farmer appeared.
‘Have either of you seen a goat?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ they said. ‘One just jumped down that well.’
‘No, that couldn’t have been my goat,’ said the farmer. ‘Mine was tethered to a railway sleeper.’
A farmer who looked after baby animals was stunned by the brutal murder of a piglet. He was determined to find the culprit but the only witness to the killing was a hare from an adjoining field. Since the hare was unable to speak, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects – a cow, a horse, a young goat and a duck – and staged an ID parade. ‘Right, hare,’ he said, ‘I want you to pick out the animal that killed my piglet.’
The hare hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, before finally hopping forward two paces and stopping in front of the young goat.
‘It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!’ protested the goat.
The farmer shook his head and said: ‘Hare’s looking at you, kid.’
Fish and Fishing
Put in charge of his baby sister for the day, a young boy decided to take her fishing. But when his parents returned home, he was in a bad mood.
‘I’m never taking my sister fishing again,’ he told his mother. ‘I didn’t catch a thing!’
‘Never mind,’ said his mother. ‘Next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away.’
‘It wasn’t that,’ said the boy. ‘She ate all the bait!’
A man rang his wife at home and said: ‘Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing at a lake up in Canada with my boss and a few of his friends, leaving tonight. We’ll be away for the rest of the week. I know it’s short notice, but it’s a great opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been chasing. So will you pack me enough clothes for the rest of the week and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll drop by and collect everything on my way from the office. Oh, and by the way, please pack my new blue silk pyjamas.’
The wife thought the last request sounded highly suspicious but nevertheless she did as he asked.
When he returned from his trip away, she asked him how it had gone.
‘I’m a bit tired,’ he said, ‘but otherwise it was fine.’
‘And did you catch many fish?’
‘Oh, yes, plenty,’ he said. ‘More than anyone else. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?’
‘I did,’ she replied. ‘They were in your tackle box.’
A mother said to her young son: ‘Have you put fresh water in the goldfish’s bowl?’
‘I don’t need to,’ said the boy. ‘He hasn’t finished the last lot yet.’
A game warden spotted a man carrying two buckets of fish away from a lake. ‘Hey, buddy,’ he called out. ‘Do you have a licence to catch those fish?’
The man said: ‘No, but you don’t understand. These are my pet fish.’
‘Pet fish?’ replied the warden in disbelief.
‘Yes, that’s right. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. Then when I whistle, they jump back into their buckets and I take them home.’
‘I’ve never heard such a load of garbage,’ said the warden. ‘Fish can’t do that!’
The man thought for a second before suggesting: ‘If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.’
‘I can’t wait to see this!’ said the warden mockingly.
So the man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said: ‘Well?’
‘Well what?’ asked the man.
‘When are you going to call them back?’
‘Call who back?’
‘The fish!’ yelled the warden.
‘What fish?’
Two sardines were big tennis fans. ‘Let’s go to Wimbledon this year,’ said one.
‘How would we get there?’ asked the other.
‘On the London Underground, of course.’
‘What, and get packed in like commuters?’
Four married men went fishing. After they had been out on the lake for about an hour, the first man said: ‘You have no idea what I had to do so I could come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I’d redecorate the living room and hallway next weekend.’
‘That’s nothing,’ said the second man. ‘I had to promise my wife that I’d build a new deck for the pool area.’
‘You both have it easy!’ said the third man. ‘I had to promise my wife that I’d buy her a new kitchen and pay for her to go clothes shopping with her friends next month.’
They continued fishing until they realized that the fourth man had remained strangely silent. Eventually they turned to him and said: ‘So what did you have to do in order to come fishing this weekend?’
‘Nothing much,’ said the fourth man. ‘I simply set my alarm for 5.30 a.m. When it went off, I nudged my wife and said: “Fishing or sex?” And she said: “Wear a sweater.”’