by Nick Harris
How did the police know that the man eaten by a shark had dandruff?
– They found his head and shoulders on the beach.
A small boy was digging a large hole in his back garden.
‘What are you doing, Tim?’ asked the man next door, peering over the fence.
The boy said: ‘My goldfish died and I’m burying him.’
‘That’s a big hole just for a goldfish,’ said the neighbour.
The boy replied: ‘That’s because he’s inside your cat.’
Why don’t oysters give to charity?
– They’re shellfish.
A man went into a pet shop and asked: ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
‘Certainly, sir,’ said the sales assistant. ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
The man said: ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish first thing in the morning while his wife was just happy reading. One day, the husband returned to their cabin after several hours on the lake and decided to take a midday nap. Although unfamiliar with the lake, the wife fancied a spot of fresh air and decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored the boat, and then continued reading her book in the tranquil setting.
Within minutes, a game warden had arrived on the scene in his boat. ‘Good day, ma’am,’ he said. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Reading a book,’ she replied.
‘You’re in a restricted fishing area.’
‘Look, officer,’ she protested, ‘I’m not fishing, I’m reading.’
As he glanced at the boat, he said: ‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘If you do that,’ said the woman, ‘I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault.’
‘What do you mean?’ said the warden. ‘I haven’t laid a finger on you!’
‘That’s true,’ said the woman. ‘But you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment.’
‘Have a nice day, ma’am,’ grumbled the warden as he left.
It was a quiet day on the ark, so a bored Noah told his wife that he was going fishing. He collected all his equipment and set off, but thirty minutes later he was back, still complaining that he was bored.
‘What are you doing back so soon?’ asked his wife. ‘If you’re that bored, why did you stop fishing after only half an hour?’
Noah said: ‘I only had two worms.’
Food and Drink
While browsing around a department store, a man spotted a Thermos flask. He had never seen one before, so he asked the sales assistant what it did.
The assistant replied: ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’
Impressed, the man bought one. The next day, he took the Thermos into work and showed it off to a colleague.
‘Look at this,’ he said. ‘It’s called a Thermos flask. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’
‘What have you got in there?’ asked his workmate.
The man said: ‘Two cups of coffee and a choc ice.’
Did you hear about the pizza deliveryman who was found lying in the street covered in anchovies, spicy beef, pineapple and pepperoni?
– The police say he topped himself.
A couple who holidayed regularly in Greece spent many of their days apart because he was a sun worshipper whereas she always preferred to remain in the shade. So at lunchtimes she would sit in their hotel room with a sandwich while he sat outside a local bar and enjoyed a few beers.
One day he stayed away a little longer than usual for lunch and when he returned to the room, she was furious.
‘Where have you been?’ she moaned. ‘I’ve been dying of thirst here. What do you think I am, a bloody camel?’
‘Why didn’t you go to the pool bar and buy some water?’ he said. ‘It’s only just over there.’
‘You know I can’t go out in the sun in the middle of the day. Anyway, now you’re finally here, I want you to go and get me a bottle. But remember, it must be still water. I don’t want any of that sparkling stuff.’
‘Okay. I’ll be sure to get still water.’
So he set off for the pool bar and returned a few minutes later carrying a bottle of water.
‘Is it still water?’ she demanded.
‘Of course it’s still water,’ he replied wearily. ‘Who do you think I am, bloody Jesus?’
What’s smelly, round and laughs?
– A tickled onion.
A customer in a restaurant asked: ‘How do you prepare the chicken?’
‘We don’t,’ said the waiter. ‘We just tell it straight that it’s going to die.’
What do you get if you cross a strong onion with a goat?
– Garlic butter.
A man walked into a branch of Starbucks and ordered a coffee. But when he tried to drink it, he found that instead of coffee, his cup contained a pair of beige cotton trousers.
‘Excuse me,’ he said to the waiter. ‘This isn’t what I ordered.’
‘It must have been,’ said the waiter, shrugging his shoulders and walking away. ‘We don’t make mistakes.’
Seething with indignation, the customer summoned the manager and said: ‘This isn’t what I ordered. I want coffee, not trousers.’
‘Listen, sir,’ replied the manager. ‘It is exactly what you ordered – a cup o’ chinos.’
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
– Anyone can roast beef.
On a visit to his parents’ house, a young man went to fetch a cold beer from the refrigerator. When he opened the fridge, he saw taped to the inside of the door a picture of a scantily dressed, super slim model.
‘What’s with the picture?’ he asked his mother.
She explained: ‘I put it up there to remind me not to overeat.’
‘Is it working?’
‘Yes and no. I’ve lost fifteen pounds, but your father has gained twenty!’
A party of six people sat down in a Chinese restaurant and ordered a variety of dishes. While they were helping themselves, one of the diners became aware of a pair of eyes looking at him from the plate beneath a pile of bean sprouts. Then the eyes seemed to vanish before returning again moments later. Unnerved, he called over the waiter.
‘Excuse me, waiter,’ he said, ‘but I think there’s a pair of eyes that keep looking at me from that plate of food. You can’t see them at the moment but they’ll be back very soon.’
‘Don’t worry, sir,’ said the waiter. ‘That’s the Peking duck.’
A man walked into a fish and chip shop and said: ‘I’ll have fish and chips twice.’
The guy behind the counter said: ‘I heard you the first time!’
What’s white, light and sugary and swings from trees?
– A meringue-utan.
A man sat down for a three-course meal in a restaurant. First, the waitress brought him a bowl of soup but he couldn’t help noticing that her thumb was sticking in the soup.
Next, she brought him chicken supreme, but again he noticed that her thumb was sticking in the sauce.
Finally for dessert he ordered hot apple pie, and once again her thumb was sticking in his food.
‘Look!’ he said in exasperation, ‘I wasn’t going to mention it but every time you serve me, your thumb is stuck in my food.’
‘Yes, I’m sorry about that,’ said the waitress, ‘but you see, my thumb has an infection. My doctor says I need to keep it in a warm moist place.’
Disgusted, the customer snapped: ‘Well, why don’t you stick it up your ass!’
The waitress replied: ‘Where do you think I’ve been putting it when I’m in the kitchen?’
A woman baked two cakes to sell at her village fete – one for five dollars, the other for ten dollars. A man soon expressed an interest in buying one and, pointing at the ten-dollar cake, asked her: ‘What
type of cake is that?’
The woman replied: ‘That’s Madeira cake.’
An Englishman ordered the soup of the day in a New York restaurant. When the waitress brought it to his table, the Englishman eyed it suspiciously.
‘What is it?’ he asked.
‘It’s bean soup,’ she replied.
‘I don’t care what it’s been,’ he said. ‘I want to know what it is now!’
A woman was looking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but couldn’t find one big enough to feed her family.
She asked a stock boy: ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
‘No, ma’am,’ he replied. ‘They’re dead.’
A middle-aged man was sitting quietly in a roadside cafe when three rough bikers strode in. The first strolled over to the man and stubbed a cigarette into his lunch. Then the second spat in the man’s coffee. Finally the third biker picked up the man’s lunch and, roaring with laughter, threw it onto the floor. Without saying a word, the man got up and left.
‘He wasn’t much of a man, was he?’ sneered one of the bikers to the waitress.
‘Not much of a driver either,’ she said, glancing out of the window. ‘He’s just backed his truck over three motorcycles.’
As he passed by a seafood restaurant, a man saw a sign in the window saying, ‘Lobster Tails Three Dollars.’
Sensing a bargain, he went inside and asked the waitress why they were so cheap. ‘They must be very short tails for that price,’ he suggested.
‘No,’ replied the waitress. ‘They’re normal length.’
‘Then they must be fairly old.’
‘No, they’re fresh today.’
‘There must be something wrong with them . . .’
‘No, they’re just regular lobster tails.’
‘Okay,’ said the man. ‘For three dollars I’ll have one.’
So the waitress took his money, sat him down and said: ‘Once upon a time there was a big red lobster . . .’
A chicken and a pig were drinking together in a bar one evening when the chicken said: ‘Why don’t we go into business together? We could open a ham and egg restaurant.’
‘Not so fast,’ said the pig. ‘For you, it’s just a day’s work. For me, it’s a matter of life and death.’
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in a five-star New York City hotel, and both made a point of dressing for the occasion. Ginger looked resplendent in a ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred wore his smartest morning suit. However the evening was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge.
‘I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,’ said the waiter.
‘So you ought to be,’ replied Fred. ‘Look at the state of me! I’ve got pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails.’
Genies
A married couple were playing golf when the husband’s wayward tee shot smashed through the window of an old house that adjoined the course. Seeking to retrieve his ball, they walked over to the house and, finding the back door open, ventured hesitantly inside. They called out: ‘Is anyone there?’
‘Yes, come in,’ replied a voice.
Inside they found glass everywhere, a broken bottle on the floor and a man sitting on the couch.
‘Are you the people who broke my window?’ asked the man.
‘Yes, sorry about that,’ said the husband.
‘There’s no need to apologize,’ said the man. ‘In fact, you’ve done me a favour. You see, I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle until your wayward shot released me. So I want to thank you, and as a fully-fledged genie I’m allowed to grant you three wishes. I’d like to grant you one wish each and, if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last wish for myself as compensation for being stuck in that bottle for the past ten years.’
‘Fantastic,’ said the husband. ‘My wish is to have a fleet of top-of-the-range sports cars.’
‘No problem,’ said the genie. ‘And what is your wish, madam?’
‘My wish’, said the wife, ‘is simply to own all the clothes I’ve ever dreamed of but have never been able to afford.’
‘Consider it done,’ said the genie. Turning to the husband, he continued: ‘And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that damn bottle, I haven’t had sex for ages. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to sleep with your wife.’
The husband thought for a moment and replied: ‘I don’t see why not. It seems only fair. After all, we are going to be getting all those cars and clothes. Is that okay with you, darling?’
‘I guess so,’ agreed the wife.
So the genie took her upstairs and ravished her for four and a half hours. When he was finally satisfied, he rolled over, looked at her and said: ‘Tell me, how old is your husband?’
‘Forty-one,’ she replied.
‘And he still believes in genies?’
An Englishman and a Scotsman were walking in the country when they came across a lamp. They instinctively rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.
‘Thank you so much,’ said the genie. ‘I’m free at last. And to show my gratitude I’ll grant you both one wish.’
The Englishman said: ‘I’m fed up with the Scots always coming into England. I wish there was a huge wall around England to keep the Scots out.’
‘Very well,’ said the genie and POOF it was done.
Then the Scotsman turned to the genie and said: ‘Tell me about this wall.’
The genie said: ‘It’s three hundred feet high and a quarter of a mile thick. Nobody can get in and nobody can get out.’
‘Right,’ said the Scotsman, ‘fill it with water.’
Following a violent storm, an old man and a younger man were swept out to sea in a rowing boat. They drifted for two weeks and had given up hope of ever seeing land again. Then under a tarpaulin the old man discovered a gold lamp. In a last, desperate gesture he gave it a rub and to his amazement a genie appeared.
‘I’m afraid I can only grant you one wish,’ said the genie.
‘That’s okay,’ said the old man, gasping with thirst. ‘I want you turn the entire ocean into beer.’
‘Your wish is my command,’ said the genie. He clicked his fingers and immediately the salt water changed into beer. Then the genie vanished.
The younger man looked at his friend in disgust. ‘Fancy wasting our wish on turning the sea into beer! You silly old fool! Now we’ll have to pee in the boat!’
While cleaning the attic of her house a woman found an old lamp. She rubbed it and to her amazement a genie appeared. ‘I can grant you three wishes,’ said the genie.
The woman said: ‘But I have everything in life that I could ever need.’
‘You don’t want these wishes to go to waste,’ replied the genie. ‘Try and think of something.’
‘Well, I suppose a new dining-room table would be nice. I’ve had the old one for over forty years.’
The genie immediately produced a brand new dining-room table. ‘And for your second wish?’
‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘it would be handy to have a new car so that I can get to church more easily.’
The genie immediately produced a new car. ‘And what is your third wish?’
After giving the matter careful thought, the woman said: ‘I suppose there’s not much use having a new car without somebody to share it with. Is it in your power to turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?’
The cat was immediately turned into a handsome hunk. The young man strolled over to the woman and said: ‘I bet you’re sorry you had me neutered now.’
Three men had been stranded on a desert island for ten years when one day a bottle washed ashore. One of the men rubbed the bottle and a genie appeared. He granted each of the men one wish.
The first man said: ‘I wish I was back home.’ And POOF he disappeared.
The second man said: ‘I also wish I was back home with my family.’ And POOF he disappe
ared.
Alone on the island, the third man suddenly felt very lonely and sighed: ‘I wish my two friends were back on this island with me.’ And POOF the other two men reappeared on the island.
While playing tennis, a man found an old bottle lying in the corner of the court. As he rubbed it clean, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. However to the genie’s surprise, the man said: ‘It’s very kind of you, but there’s really nothing I need. Please give the wishes to someone else.’
However the genie decided to reward the man for his generosity by granting him three things without him even knowing. ‘What does every man want?’ the genie thought to himself. ‘I know: money, power and sex. I’ll give him all three.’
Two weeks later, the genie met the man again at the tennis court. ‘How’s it going?’ asked the genie.
‘Things couldn’t be better,’ said the man. ‘Last week I raised over one million dollars and gave the most invigorating talk of my career. I feel as if I finally have real influence among my peers.’
‘That’s great,’ said the genie. ‘And if you don’t mind me asking, how’s your sex life?’
‘Fantastic,’ said the man. ‘I’ve had two women in the last two weeks.’