by Nick Harris
‘Right,’ he said, zipping up his pants when he had finished, ‘that’s my problem solved. Now, what’s yours?’
Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
– To prepare them for the bill.
A young man who was chronically shy went into a bar and saw a beautiful woman sitting there. After an hour of plucking up courage, he finally went over to her and asked tentatively: ‘Would you mind if I chatted to you for a while?’
She responded by yelling at the top of her voice: ‘No! I won’t sleep with you tonight!’
Everyone in the bar heard, leaving the poor young man embarrassed and bewildered. He slunk quietly back to his table, ready to leave as soon as he had finished his drink. But a few minutes later, the woman walked over to him and apologized.
‘I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you,’ she said. ‘You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.’
To which the young man replied at the top of his voice: ‘What do you mean, you charge two hundred dollars?!’
A man had become convinced that he was a dog, so he went to see a psychiatrist.
‘It’s terrible,’ said the man, ‘I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can’t walk past a lamp post any more.’
‘Very well,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘Get on the couch.’
The man said: ‘I’m not allowed on the couch!’
A man told a psychiatrist: ‘My wife bought twenty-five pounds of wire wool last week. I think she ought to be put in an asylum.’
‘Well,’ said the psychiatrist, ‘it’s certainly an abnormally large amount to buy but it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s crazy.’
‘Maybe not,’ said the man. ‘But then she started knitting a gas cooker.’
Melvin and Maureen were long-term patients in a psychiatric hospital. One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool when, without warning, Melvin jumped into the deep end. Realizing he couldn’t swim, Maureen dived in and dragged him to safety.
When the head psychiatrist heard about Maureen’s heroism, he decided that she should be discharged from the hospital immediately as he considered her to be mentally sound. He went to inform her in person. ‘Maureen,’ he said, ‘I have good and bad news. The good news is that I’m going to discharge you because you were able to jump into the pool and save the life of a fellow patient. On that basis, I believe you have finally regained your senses. The bad news is that Melvin, the patient you saved, subsequently hanged himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I’m sorry to have to tell you he’s dead.’
‘Oh, no, he didn’t hang himself,’ said Maureen. ‘I put him there to dry.’
A patient told his psychiatrist: ‘I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room, and there is this door with a sign on it. I try to push the door with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try it simply won’t budge.’
‘Interesting,’ mused the psychiatrist. ‘Tell me, what does the sign on the door say?’
The patient replied: ‘It says “Pull”.’
A woman walked into a psychiatrist’s office and said: ‘I need help. I think I could be a nymphomaniac.’
‘Well, I might be able to help you,’ said the psychiatrist, ‘but I must warn you that I charge one hundred dollars an hour.’
‘That’s fair,’ said the woman. ‘And how much do you charge for the night?’
A man phoned the psychiatrist at the local mental hospital and asked: ‘Who’s in Room Eighteen?’
‘Nobody,’ said the psychiatrist.
‘Good,’ said the man. ‘I must have escaped.’
A psychiatrist at a mental hospital asked a new patient: ‘How did you come to get put in here?’
‘Well,’ explained the patient, ‘it all started when I got married. I married a widow with a grown-up daughter who therefore became my stepdaughter. Then one day my father came to visit, fell in love with my beautiful stepdaughter and married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my father’s brother-in-law since he was the half-brother of my stepdaughter who was my father’s wife. Since my new son was brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you probably realize by now, my wife is also my step-grandmother because she is my stepmother’s mother. Since I am married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife’s grandson and husband, I am also my own grandfather! Now can you understand how I got put in this place . . . ?’
A married woman went to see a psychiatrist because she has having problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her a series of questions but was no nearer finding a solution. Eventually he asked her: ‘Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you’re having sex?’
‘As a matter of fact,’ she answered. ‘I did once.’
‘And how did he look?’
‘Very, very angry.’
‘I see,’ said the psychiatrist, delighted that he finally appeared to be making progress. ‘Well, that’s extremely interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say you have only seen your husband’s face once during sex. That is rather unusual. How did you come to see his face on that particular occasion?’
The wife replied: ‘He was looking through the window at us.’
Peter and George were in a mental institution where the psychiatrist conducted an annual experiment to ascertain which patients were ready for release. He asked each patient two questions, and if they answered them correctly they were free to leave.
Peter was first to take the test. The psychiatrist asked him: ‘What would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?’
‘I’d be half blind,’ said Peter.
‘That’s correct,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘What if I poked out both of your eyes?’
‘I’d be completely blind.’
‘Well done,’ said the psychiatrist, and he shook Peter by the hand and told him he was free to go.
On his way out, Peter told George about the test and gave him the answers. Then George was called in to the psychiatrist’s office.
‘So,’ began the psychiatrist, ‘what would happen if I cut off your right ear?’
Remembering the answers Peter had fed him, George replied: ‘I’d be half blind.’
The psychiatrist was puzzled but went on: ‘And what would happen if I cut off your left ear?’
‘I’d be completely blind,’ said George.
‘Why do you say you’d be blind if I cut off your ears?’
‘Because’, said George, ‘my hat would fall over my eyes!’
What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
– In the morning each of them says: ‘That’s one hundred and fifty dollars please.’
A new receptionist started work in a psychiatrist’s office. At the end of her first day, she asked the psychiatrist: ‘How did I do?’
‘Not too bad,’ he said. ‘But I would prefer it if in future you just said to callers, “We’re really busy” rather than “It’s a madhouse here”.’
Two doctors – one a psychiatrist, the other a proctologist – opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: ‘Dr Smith and Dr Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors’.
However the town council was not happy with the sign so the doctors changed it to ‘Schizoids and Haemorrhoids’.
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to appease the council they changed the sign to ‘Catatonics and High Colonics’. Still it was rejected.
So they tried ‘Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives’. Rejected. Their next idea, ‘Minds and Behinds’, was also turned down, as was ‘Lost Souls and Butt Holes’.
So they tried ‘Analysts and Anal Cysts’, but that, too, fell foul of the council. ‘Nuts and Butts’, ‘Freaks and Cheeks’ and ‘Loons and Moons’ all met a similar fate.
Finally at their wits’ end, the doctors came up with: ‘Dr Smith and
Dr Jones: Odds and Ends’. Everyone was happy.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman?
– Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
A psychiatrist was just driving away from the asylum when he noticed he had a flat tyre. He removed the wheel but accidentally tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the psychiatrist take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a garage.
‘That’s an excellent idea,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘I don’t know why you’re in that place.’
The patient replied: ‘I’m here for being crazy, not for being stupid.’
A woman went to see a male psychiatrist about her low self-esteem. She was alarmingly pale and obese. After she had tearfully explained her problems, the psychiatrist said: ‘Right. Could you please lie on the floor under the window?’
The woman did as he asked.
‘Now over by the door.’
She lay down near the door, as asked.
‘And finally under the bookshelves. Thank you.’
As she lay on the floor beneath the bookshelves, he started making notes.
‘You can get up now,’ he said eventually.
‘So can you help me?’ she asked.
‘Not really,’ he said. ‘Just get some pills from your doctor.’
‘So what was all that stuff you had me doing, lying on the floor?’
‘Oh, I’m having a new white sofa delivered next week and I was wondering where to put it.’
Rednecks
Having moved from Alabama, Billy-Bob was in his first day of grade three at his new school in Massachusetts. The teacher asked the class to count to fifty, which is about the standard for grade three. Most were able to count up to twenty, a few managed thirty, but Billy-Bob counted all the way up to a hundred with only one or two mistakes. After school, he ran home to tell his dad how well he had done. His dad said: ‘That’s because you come from Alabama, son.’
The next day, the teacher asked the class to recite the alphabet. Most got halfway, but Billy-Bob did it all with hardly any mistakes. After school, he ran home to tell his dad how well he had done. His dad said: ‘That’s because you come from Alabama, son.’
The next day after PE, the boys were taking showers. Billy-Bob couldn’t help noticing he was much better endowed than all the other boys in his grade. After school, he ran home to tell his dad.
‘Is that because I’m from Alabama, Dad?’
‘No, son, it’s because you’re eighteen.’
Billy-Bob and Bubba found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the nearest police station.
‘What if one of them explodes before we get there?’ asked Billy-Bob.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ said Bubba. ‘We’ll just lie and tell them we only found two.’
What’s a redneck’s favourite pick-up line?
– ‘Hey, nice tooth.’
A woman from Arkansas was in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asked her how many children she had.
‘Nine boys,’ she said.
‘And what are their names?’
‘Jed, Jed, Jed, Jed, Jed, Jed, Jed, Jed and Jed.’
‘They’re all named Jed? Why would you want to give all your kids the same name?’
‘That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard or for dinner, I just yells “Jed” and they all come.’
‘But what if you want only one of them to do something.’
‘Easy,’ she said. ‘I just calls him by his last name.’
Joe-Bob was driving a tall truck as it approached a low bridge.
‘Oh, no,’ he said. ‘The height of the bridge is nine foot and our truck is at least ten foot!’
‘It’s okay,’ said Billy-Joe in the passenger seat. ‘There’s no cops around.’
Bubba was at the police station explaining to an officer why his cousin had shot him.
‘We were having a real good time drinking,’ said Bubba, ‘when my cousin Billy-Bob picked up his rifle and asked if I wanted to go hunting.’
‘Okay,’ said the officer. ‘Then what happened?’
Bubba replied: ‘That’s when I stood up and said, “Sure, I’m game.”’
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
– Two. One to eat the possum and the other to watch for traffic.
A stranger walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a gin and tonic. The bar fell silent. The bartender eyed him suspiciously and said: ‘You ain’t from round here, are you mister?’
‘No,’ said the stranger. ‘I’m from Seattle.’
‘Oh, yeah?’ said the bartender. ‘What d’you do up in Seattle?’
‘I’m a taxidermist,’ replied the stranger.
‘A taxidermist, huh?’ said the bartender. ‘What’s one of those?’
‘I mount dead animals,’ explained the stranger.
At this, the bartender called to the other drinkers: ‘It’s okay, boys. He’s one of us.’
What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?
– A pimp.
You Know You’re a Redneck When . . .
The value of your truck depends on how much gas there is in it.
You have five cars that are immobile and a house that isn’t.
Your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
Your wife’s best shoes have steel toecaps.
Your gene pool doesn’t have a deep end.
You’ve ever used lard in bed.
Your family tree doesn’t fork.
Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.
Wildlife is attracted to your beard.
Your mum’s lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
There’s a gun rack on your bicycle.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your front porch collapses, and more than six dogs are killed.
Your wife weighs more than your fridge.
Your penknife has ever been referred to as ‘Exhibit A’.
A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does half a million dollars of improvements.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
There’s a wasps’ nest in your living room.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
You own all the component parts of soap on a rope except the soap.
You own a special baseball cap for formal occasions.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody battle over a hunting dog.
A redneck patient was told by his doctor: ‘Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain’t to have no relations whatsoever. Understand?’
‘Yeah,’ said the redneck, ‘but what about friends and neighbours?’
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a suspect car towards Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the trooper who was driving pulled over to the side of the road.
‘Why did you stop?’ asked his colleague.
‘Well, he’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.’
Bubba was killed in a fire and suffered such severe burns that he was barely recognizable. So the undertaker called in Bubba’s friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob so that the body could be formally identified.
Jim-Bob looked at the body and said: ‘He sure is burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.’
The undertaker rolled the body over but Jim-Bob said: ‘That ain’t Bubba.’
‘Are you sure?’ asked the undertaker.
‘Yep,’ said Jim-Bob. ‘Call in Joe-Bob if you don’t believe me.’
So Joe-Bob was brought in to identify the body. ‘He sure is burnt,’ said Joe-Bob, looking at the corpse’s face. ‘Roll him over.’
T
he undertaker rolled the body over again but Joe-Bob said: ‘That ain’t Bubba.’
The undertaker was mystified. ‘How can you tell by rolling him over?’
‘Because’, they said, ‘Bubba had two assholes.’
‘What?!’ exclaimed the undertaker.
‘Yep, everyone round here knew. Every time the three of us went into town, people would say: “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.”’
A redneck boy ran into his house and announced excitedly: ‘I’ve found the girl I’m gonna marry! And she’s a virgin!’
His father thumped his fist on the table angrily. ‘There’s no way you’re marrying that girl,’ he yelled. ‘If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure ain’t good enough for ours!’