by Nick Harris
‘We’ll be right over,’ said the officer.
‘Oh,’ said the old lady, her voice tinged with disappointment. ‘Can you wait until morning?’
A man went into a bank and withdrew five thousand dollars in cash. To keep the bills together, the bank teller bound them with a rubber band. Then the man stuffed the wad of money in his jacket pocket and exited the bank.
Five minutes later, he reached his car but found to his horror that the money was missing. He knew nobody had picked his pocket so he thought the bundle of bills must have somehow fallen from his pocket. He quickly retraced his steps to the bank where he collided with an elderly customer.
‘Have you lost some money tied in a rubber band?’ asked the old man.
‘Yes, I have!’
‘Well, I’ve found the rubber band.’
Two old men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for.
‘It’s the greatest invention ever,’ he said. ‘It makes you feel like a man of thirty.’
‘Can you get it over the counter?’
‘Probably – if you took two.’
An elderly couple had been courting for over forty years and finally decided it was time they got married. But first they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to work in order to avoid any misunderstandings or disappointments.
So over dinner they had a long conversation about their future. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and all manner of things that affected them both. The old man took written notes of every point they covered. Finally he thought he should mention the physical side of their relationship.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked tentatively, pencil in hand.
‘Well,’ replied the old lady, choosing her words carefully, ‘I’d have to say . . . I would like it infrequently.’
The old man enquired: ‘Is that one word or two?’
Two old men were sitting down to breakfast. One said to the other: ‘Do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’
‘Really?’ said his friend, removing the suppository. ‘I’m so glad you told me. Now I think I remember where I put my hearing aid.’
Two old men were sitting in the garden of their nursing home when a seagull flying overhead pooped on the bald head of one of the men.
The nurse who was in attendance said urgently: ‘Don’t worry, I’ll run and fetch some toilet paper.’
As she hurried off, one old man turned to the other and said: ‘Is she crazy or what? By the time she gets back with the toilet paper, that bird will be miles away!’
An elderly couple who had been courting for years finally decided to get married. While out making their plans, they stopped off at a drugstore.
The old man asked the sales assistant: ‘Do you sell pills for arthritis?’
‘Yes, we do,’ replied the assistant.
‘What about heart medication?’
‘Yes, we stock that, too.’
‘Got anything for constipation?’
‘Naturally, sir.’
‘How about Viagra?’
‘Yes, we sell Viagra.’
‘Sleeping pills?’
‘Yes, we stock a large selection of sleeping tablets.’
‘Do you sell denture cleaner?’
‘Of course we do, sir.’
‘That’s great!’ exclaimed the old man, nodding to his bride-to-be. ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.’
On a visit to see his grandma, a teenage boy listened to her complaining about the high cost of living.
‘When I was a girl,’ she said, ‘you could go out with twenty cents and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken.’
‘That’s inflation for you,’ he said.
‘It’s nothing to do with inflation,’ she snapped. ‘It’s all the damn security cameras that shops have nowadays!’
A priest called on an elderly spinster at her home as part of his regular visits to his church members. While she went into the kitchen to make tea, he glanced around the lounge and began admiring a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on the surface.
Stunned by the discovery, he was initially too embarrassed to mention it to the old lady but eventually his curiosity got the better of him and he felt compelled to ask her what it was doing there.
‘Well,’ she explained, ‘when I was in town six months ago, I found a little foil package on the ground and brought it home. The directions on the back read, “Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease”. And you know, I think it works! I haven’t had a cold all winter!’
With his wife ill in bed, a man volunteered to do the weekly supermarket shop. By the time he reached the checkout his trolley was overflowing. Behind him in the queue was a little old lady with just a loaf of bread and a packet of cheese in her basket.
He turned to her and said: ‘Is that all you’ve got, love?’
Her face lit up. ‘Yes, dear,’ she said.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘if I were you, I’d have a sit-down, because I’m going to be ages here.’
Politicians
Arriving at church one morning, a preacher discovered a dead donkey in the church grounds. He called the police, but since there was no sign of foul play, the police referred him to the public health department. They said that as there was no obvious health threat, he should call the sanitation department. The manager there said he could not collect the dead donkey without authorization from the mayor. The preacher was reluctant to call the mayor, who was notoriously bad-tempered, but he realized that he had little choice.
The mayor was every bit as grumpy as the preacher had feared. ‘What are you ringing me for?’ he bellowed. ‘I’ve got better things to do with my time than worry about blasted donkeys. Anyway I thought it was your job to bury the dead.’
Unable to resist the temptation to retaliate, the preacher replied calmly: ‘Yes, mayor, it is indeed my job to bury the dead, but first I always like to notify the next of kin!’
A council debate degenerated into a slanging match between the two rival parties. As matters became heated, one councillor sneered at an opponent: ‘Have you actually heard of William Davies?’
‘No,’ admitted the other.
‘Well,’ said the first triumphantly, ‘if you had taken the time to attend a few more council meetings, you would know that he is the man who is planning to open a new lap dancing club in the town.’
Stung into retaliation, the opponent responded: ‘Have you ever heard of Kenneth Morris?’
‘No,’ said the first councillor. ‘Who is he?’
‘Well,’ said the second, ‘if you had attended fewer council meetings, you would know that he is the man who has been sleeping with your wife!’
A man was driving home from work when he found himself in a traffic jam, all the cars ahead having come to a halt. Just then he noticed a police officer approaching on foot.
‘Do you know what the problem is, officer?’ he asked.
The officer said: ‘The city mayor is sitting in the middle of the road in a state of extreme agitation. He says he is deep in debt and is threatening to douse his body in gasoline and set fire to himself.’
‘So what are you doing?’
‘I’m going from car to car asking for donations,’ replied the officer.
‘How much have you collected so far?’
‘Well,’ said the officer, ‘it’s early days but already I’ve got seventeen gallons and many drivers are siphoning as we speak!’
Genuine Letters Sent To
Council Offices
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
Please send someone to mend our broke
n path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell over and she is now pregnant.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
I want some repairs doing to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
When I applied for a rebate, you said that you would have to take something off. Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took it off?
Could you please send a man to repair my spout? I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30, his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Please send a man to look at my water as it is a funny colour and is not fit to drink.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you send someone to do something about it?
This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.
Sarah Palin was walking through the park one day when she saw a small boy carrying a box with air holes in the sides.
‘What’s in the box?’ she asked.
‘Kittens,’ replied the boy. ‘Brand new kittens. Only born yesterday.’
‘And what type of kittens are they?’ asked Palin.
‘They’re Republican kittens,’ said the boy.
‘That’s lovely,’ smiled Palin, and the boy ran off.
A few days later, Palin was out campaigning with a party colleague when she spotted the same boy carrying his box of kittens. She went over to the boy, looked in the box and said: ‘Aren’t they cute? Tell my colleague here what type of kittens they are.’
‘They’re Democrat kittens,’ replied the boy.
Palin was horrified. ‘The last time I saw you, you told me they were Republican kittens! What’s changed?’
The boy said: ‘Their eyes are open now.’
Why don’t politicians like golf?
– Because it’s too much like their work: trapped in one bad lie after another.
The US government once owned a large scrapyard in the middle of the desert.
Congress said: ‘Someone might steal from it at night.’ So they created a nightwatchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said: ‘How does the watchman carry out his job without instruction?’ So they created a planning department and hired two people – one to write the instructions, and one to carry out time studies.
Then Congress said: ‘How will we know if the night- watchman is doing his job properly?’ So they created a quality control department and hired two people – one to do the studies and the other to write the reports.
Then Congress said: ‘How are these people going to get paid?’ So they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said: ‘Who will be accountable for all these people?’ So they created an administrative section and hired three people – an administrative officer, an assistant administrative officer, and a legal secretary.
Then Congress said: ‘We have had this command in operation for one year and we are twenty thousand dollars over budget. We must cut back on the overall cost.’ So they laid off the nightwatchman.
Three men were sitting in a cafe in Poland. One man looked at the newspaper headlines, shook his head and sighed.
Then the second man looked at his newspaper, shook his head and sighed.
The third man reached for his hat and said: ‘If you two are going to discuss politics, I’m off.’
Psychiatrists
The Queen was paying an official visit to a psychiatric hospital. She talked to a male patient who was tending the hospital flowerbeds and asked him why he was there. In a calm and orderly manner, he told her his sad life story, adding that he had been in the institution for more than twenty-five years. The Queen was greatly impressed by his manner and hinted that she might be able to secure his release as he seemed completely cured and ready to resume his place in society. The man was extremely grateful and returned to his gardening duties as the Queen departed.
Her Majesty was just about to leave the hospital grounds when a flying brick hit her on the back of the head. With blood oozing from the wound, she turned groggily to see the man standing there.
He said: ‘You won’t forget, will you?’
A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office with a pancake on his head, a burger on each shoulder, a strip of bacon over each ear and a strand of spaghetti up his nose.
‘How can I help you?’ asked the psychiatrist.
The man said: ‘I’m worried about my brother.’
A man told a psychiatrist: ‘I think I’m a schizophrenic with multiple-personality disorder. Some days I believe I’m a temptress in a Bizet opera, other days I’m convinced that I am the head of the German Luftwaffe in the Second World War.’
The psychiatrist listened patiently before concluding: ‘Well, it seems to me that you don’t know if you’re Carmen or Goering.’
Two psychiatrists passed in the corridor. The first said: ‘Hello.’
The second thought: ‘I wonder what he meant by that . . .’
A man told a psychiatrist: ‘I have this recurring dream in which half a dozen beautiful women run into my bedroom and start tearing off my clothes.’
‘What do you do?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘I push them away.’
‘I see. And how can I help you?’
‘I want you to break my arms.’
A doctor was doing his rounds at a psychiatric hospital when he arrived at a room containing two patients. One patient was sawing an imaginary plank of wood while the other was hanging from the ceiling.
‘What’s he doing up there?’ asked the doctor.
‘He thinks he’s a light bulb,’ replied the patient who was doing the sawing.
‘Shouldn’t you get him down?’ said the doctor. ‘He might hurt himself.’
‘What? And work in the dark?’
Did you hear about the man who suffered from paranoia and low self-esteem?
– He thought no one important was out to get him.
A man went to see a psychiatrist and said: ‘I just can’t seem to make friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?’
As part of her eventual rehabilitation, a patient at a mental hospital was told by the hospital psychiatrist to go out into the world and discover a new fact. After four hours, she returned to the hospital to tell the psychiatrist what she had learned.
First she put a large spider on his desk and shouted: ‘Boo!’ The spider scurried under the desk.
Then she picked up the spider, pulled off all its legs and shouted: ‘Boo!’ The spider couldn’t move.
The psychiatrist scratched his head and said: ‘I don’t quite understand. What is it that you have learned?’
The patient replied: ‘When I pull the legs off a spider, it can’t hear me!’
A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office and said: ‘My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.’
‘That’s nonsense,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘I like sausages, too.’
‘Great,’ said the man. ‘You must come and see my collection – I’ve got hundreds of them.’
A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making excellent progress.
‘You call this progress?’ snapped the patient. ‘Six months ago, I was Napoleon. Now I’m nobody!’
A psychiatrist conducted a test to determine whether a patient who had spent twenty years in an asylum was ready to cope with the outsi
de world. For the test, the patient was taken to a movie theatre where half the seats bore a sign saying ‘Wet Paint’. The psychiatrist was disappointed to see the patient choose one of the ‘Wet Paint’ seats but derived some comfort from the fact that he had the presence of mind to put a sheet of newspaper on the seat before sitting down.
Afterwards the psychiatrist said: ‘Can I ask you why you chose one of the seats marked “Wet Paint”? There were plenty of other seats you could have sat on.’
‘I like paint,’ replied the patient.
‘So why did you put a sheet of newspaper on the seat before sitting down?’
The patient replied: ‘I thought I’d have a better view if I was sitting higher up.’
A young woman walked into a psychiatrist’s office. He looked at her and said: ‘Take off your clothes please and get on the couch.’
She was puzzled by the request but did as he asked. He then took off his pants and had sex with her on the couch.