A Dyslexic Walks Into a Bra

by Nick Harris

  What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

  – Someone’s gonna lose a trailer.

  An Alabama state trooper pulled over a pickup truck on the highway.

  He said to the driver: ‘Got any ID?’

  The driver replied: ‘’Bout what?’

  How do you know you’re at a redneck wedding?

  – Everyone sits on the same side of the church.

  How can you tell which is the groom at a redneck wedding?

  – He’s the one in the clean bowling shirt.

  For the third time in two weeks, Joe-Bob was arrested for punching his wife. The judge asked: ‘Why do you keep beating her?’

  Joe-Bob said: ‘I think it’s my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork.’

  Religion

  Two nuns went on a shopping trip to France to load up with duty-free. On the way back they were just about to drive through ‘Nothing to declare’ when a customs officer waved them to the side.

  The first nun said to the Mother Superior, who was driving: ‘Don’t worry. Just show him your cross.’

  So the Mother Superior wound down the window, leaned out and shouted: ‘Get lost, you bastard!’

  Two Catholics were digging up the road opposite a brothel. One morning, they noticed a rabbi slip into the brothel. ‘What is the world coming to,’ they said, ‘when a religious man enters a house of ill-repute?’

  Twenty minutes later, they saw a Protestant minister sneak into the brothel. ‘Dear oh dear!’ they said. ‘No wonder the world is in such a mess with this sort of thing going on.’

  Twenty minutes later, they saw a priest creep into the brothel. ‘Oh,’ they said, ‘one of the poor lasses must be ill.’

  A teenage boy began dating a pretty Christian Fundamentalist and was keen to find out more about her religion. So he went to see the church elder. ‘Tell me,’ said the boy, ‘does your religion permit the drinking of coffee?’

  ‘No,’ replied the elder. ‘Coffee beans are specially treated to enhance their flavour, so we do not consider coffee to be wholly natural. We will not permit anything that is not natural.’

  ‘What is the view on dancing?’ asked the boy.

  ‘We do not permit dancing’, replied the elder, ‘because it is unnatural.’

  ‘What about sex?’

  ‘Yes, sex is permissible provided it is between two people who are married.’

  ‘What about kinky sex?’

  ‘It depends what you mean by kinky sex.’

  ‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘I was thinking about different positions, like standing up.’

  ‘No,’ said the elder gravely. ‘It could lead to dancing.’

  Patrick went into confessional and told the priest: ‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ said the priest. ‘Was it Siobhan Kelly?’

  ‘No, Father,’ said Patrick.

  ‘Was it Mary O’Reilly?’

  ‘No, Father.’

  ‘Was it Bernadette Murphy?’

  ‘No, Father.’

  ‘Was it Angela Lynch?’

  ‘No, Father.’

  ‘Was it Niamh O’Hara?’

  ‘No, Father.’

  ‘Then was it Josephine Burke?’

  ‘No, Father.’

  A few minutes later, Patrick emerged from the confessional box and met his friend Mick.

  ‘What did you get?’ asked Mick.

  Patrick said: ‘Four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads.’

  A priest offered a nun a ride home in his car. She climbed into the passenger seat and crossed her legs, offering the priest a revealing glimpse of flesh beneath her gown.

  The priest was immediately overcome with lust and slyly slid his hand up her lower leg.

  ‘Father!’ said the nun. ‘Remember Psalm 129.’

  The priest removed his hand but when he next changed gear, he seized the opportunity to slide his hand up her lower leg again.

  ‘Father!’ repeated the nun. ‘Remember Psalm 129.’

  The priest apologized. ‘I’m truly sorry, sister, but the temptation was too much. I am only human after all.’

  Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. When he reached his church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said: ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

  A highly agitated man ran through a crowded train calling out: ‘Is there a Catholic priest on board?’

  Receiving no reply, he ran through the train again, shouting: ‘Is there an Anglican vicar on board?’

  When nobody came forward, he became increasingly desperate and ran along the train yelling: ‘Is there a rabbi on board?’

  Finally a man caught his attention and said: ‘Can I be of any assistance? I’m a Methodist minister.’

  ‘No, you’re no use,’ said the man. ‘I’m looking for a corkscrew!’

  Leaving church one Sunday, a middle-aged woman said to her husband: ‘Do you think that O’Shaughnessy girl is dying her hair?’

  ‘I didn’t even see her,’ replied the husband.

  ‘And that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing,’ continued the wife. ‘Don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a thirty-seven-year-old mother of six?’

  ‘I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,’ said the husband.

  ‘Huh!’ scoffed the wife. ‘A lot of good it does you going to church!’

  A priest had his bicycle stolen and thought a member of his congregation was to blame. Seeking advice, he consulted his bishop who suggested: ‘Why don’t you give a sermon on the Ten Commandments? When you reach “Thou shalt not steal”, look around and see who has a guilty expression. Then you’ll know who the thief is.’

  Two weeks later, the bishop met the priest and asked him whether the scheme had worked. ‘Yes, it did,’ said the priest, ‘but not quite in the way you envisaged. You see, I was going through the Ten Commandments, one by one, and when I reached “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I had left my bike!’

  What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?

  – Sistermatic.

  Wanting to raise money for his church, a preacher decided to buy a racehorse. However at the auction the price was too high, so he had to settle for a donkey instead. The preacher figured that since he had bought the animal, he might as well race it, and to his delight the donkey finished third in its first race.

  The next day’s newspaper carried the headline: PREACHER SHOWS ASS.

  The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he decided to enter it in another race – this time at a big meeting – and it won.

  The next day’s newspaper read: HUNDREDS GATHER TO SEE PREACHER’S ASS.

  However the bishop was so upset with these headlines that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races.

  The following day, the newspaper ran the headline: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.

  This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun at a local convent.

  The next day, the newspaper proclaimed: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

  The bishop fainted.

  When he came round, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun eventually found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for ten dollars.

  The headline in the following day’s newspaper read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS.

  They buried the bishop the next day.

  The Mother Superior called all the nuns together and announced: ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.’

  ‘Thank heavens!’ said an elderly nun at the back of the room. ‘I’m so tired of Chardonnay.’

  A young woman travelling home on a flight from England to the United States turned to the priest sitting next to her and said: ‘Father, I wonder if
I could ask you a favour?’

  ‘Certainly, my dear,’ he replied.

  ‘When I was in London,’ she said, ‘I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over customs limits, and I’m worried they’ll confiscate it. Would you mind carrying it through customs for me – under your robes perhaps?’

  ‘I’d love to help you,’ said the priest, ‘and I will do what I can but I must warn you in advance: I will not lie for you.’

  ‘Very well, Father. I understand. And thank you.’

  When they arrived at Customs, she let the priest go through first. The customs official asked: ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’

  The priest answered: ‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’

  Puzzled by this response, the official asked: ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

  The priest said: ‘I have a marvellous little device designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’

  The official smiled knowingly and said: ‘Very good, Father. Go through. Next!’

  You Know You’re in a Bad Church When . . .

  There’s an ATM in the lobby.

  The church bus has gun racks.

  Communion is a two-drink minimum and there is a Happy Hour between six and seven every evening.

  The choir is formed from the local chapter of Hell’s Angels.

  The church has a karaoke hymn machine.

  Ushers ask, ‘Smoking or non-smoking?’

  The Bible they use is the Dr Seuss version.

  The only song the organist knows is ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’.

  Many of the congregation are known to viewers of America’s Most Wanted.

  When the congregation are asked to stand, they automatically put their hands in the air.

  Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when their car ran out of petrol. As they stood beside their car on the grass verge, a truck driver slowed down and asked if he could help. When the nuns explained that they had run out of petrol, he said he would gladly drain some from his tank but unfortunately he had neither a bucket nor a can.

  So one of the nuns produced a clean bedpan from the trunk of their car and handed it to the trucker who proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of petrol into the pan. He then handed the bedpan to the sisters, climbed back into his truck and drove off.

  While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their petrol tank, a police officer happened to be passing by. Seeing them tipping in the contents of the bedpan, he smiled: ‘I’m not sure that’s going to work, sisters, but I admire your faith!’

  A priest was walking through town when a woman wearing a short skirt approached him and said: ‘Fancy a quickie for ten bucks?’

  The priest replied: ‘I don’t know what you mean, my dear.’ And he hurried on his way.

  A little further down the street, he was accosted by another woman wearing heavy make-up. ‘Fancy a quickie for ten bucks?’ she asked.

  ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ said the priest. And he hurried on his way.

  The incidents preyed on his mind, so he decided to drive out to the convent and call on the Mother Superior to discover whether she was familiar with the terminology.

  The priest sat down with a nice cup of tea, and after exchanging the usual pleasantries he said to the Mother Superior: ‘Tell me. What’s a quickie?’

  The Mother Superior answered: ‘Ten bucks. The same as in town.’

  What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

  – Popeye beat him up.

  A bartender was busy behind the bar one lunchtime when two nuns walked in.

  ‘Sisters,’ he said, ‘I’m surprised to see you here.’

  ‘Why is that?’ asked one of the nuns.

  ‘Well, to be honest,’ said the bartender, ‘we don’t get many nuns in here.’

  The nun said: ‘We minister to fallen souls, and thought that this would be a good place to find them.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ said the bartender, and he fetched them two iced waters.

  Half an hour later, the bartender was going about his duties when two rabbis walked in. ‘I’m really surprised to see you two here,’ he said.

  ‘Why is that?’ asked one of the rabbis.

  ‘Because, to tell the truth, we don’t get a lot of rabbis in this bar.’

  ‘The synagogue is closed for repairs,’ explained the rabbi, ‘and we needed somewhere quiet to debate rabbinical law.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ said the bartender, and he set them up with two orange juices.

  Half an hour later, two Irish priests walked in. The bartender said: ‘Fathers, I’m really surprised to see you two in here.’

  One priest replied: ‘Why is that, my son?’

  The bartender said: ‘Because you don’t usually come in until the evening.’

  An isolated monastery was inhabited by an order of monks who communicated with each other solely by chanting. Every morning, they would gather in the chapel and the abbot would chant: ‘Good morning, assembled brethren.’ And the monks would chant back: ‘Good morning, Father Abbot.’

  But one morning a maverick monk instead chanted: ‘Good evening, Father Abbot.’

  The abbot was not amused. Glaring at the monks, he declared: ‘Someone chanted evening.’

  A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. Striking up a conversation, the priest said: ‘I know that in your religion you’re not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?’

  The rabbi replied: ‘I must confess I have on the odd occasion.’

  After a brief silence, the rabbi turned to the priest and said: ‘I know that in your religion you’re supposed to remain celibate. Have you ever had sex?’

  The priest said: ‘I must confess that I have succumbed once or twice.’

  And the rabbi said: ‘Better than pork, isn’t it?’

  In a bid to boost church attendance, a new Baptist minister began making personal calls to the homes of his parishioners. One man, who had not been to church for several months, was begged to join the congregation the following Sunday. He was a producer of fine peach brandy and, sensing an advertising opportunity, said that he would only attend church on condition that the pastor drank some of his brandy and, more importantly, admitted to doing so in front of his congregation. The pastor agreed and drank up.

  That Sunday, as promised, the man attended the service and waited expectantly for the pastor to fulfil his part of the deal. After a few minutes, the pastor recognized him from the pulpit and declared with a smile: ‘I note with pleasure that Mr Kennedy is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.’

  After his wife had given birth, the new church minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to his family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.

  A year later, when his wife had another child, the minister again appealed to the congregation for a pay rise, and again they agreed to it.

  Several years and five children later, the congregation had become a little concerned over the increased expenses. It turned into a showdown meeting with the minister at which tempers became frayed.

  Eventually the minister stood up and shouted: ‘Having children is an act of God!’

  An elderly member of the congregation yelled back: ‘So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!’

  One morning, a crippled man hobbled into a Catholic church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, rubbed some on both legs and threw away his crutches.

  An altar boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he had just seen.

  ‘Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle!’ said the priest. ‘Tell me, where is this man now?’

  ‘Fl
at on his backside over by the holy water,’ said the boy.

  What did the Virgin Mary say when she saw the three wise men?

  – ‘Huh, typical. You wait ages then three come at once.’

  Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test meant that they had to line up naked while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because it meant he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

  The model danced before the first monk candidate but got no reaction. It was the same all the way down the line until she reached the final monk. As she danced provocatively in front of him, his bell rang with such force that it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell – and eleven other bells began to ring . . .

  On a visit to a children’s Sunday school, a new pastor observed proceedings and then asked the youngsters: ‘Who tore down the walls of Jericho?’

  ‘It wasn’t me,’ shouted young Timmy.

  Unfazed by the comment, the pastor repeated: ‘Come on now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?’

  The teacher then took the pastor to one side. ‘Look, Pastor, Timmy’s basically a good boy. If he says he didn’t do it, I believe him.’