by Nick Harris
The pastor couldn’t believe what he was hearing and later that day relayed the story to the director of the Sunday school. The director frowned: ‘I’ve heard Timmy can be a bit of a handful. I’ll have a word with him.’
By now totally bemused, the pastor left and approached the deacon. Once again he told him the whole story, including the response of the teacher and the director.
The deacon listened patiently and smiled: ‘Yes, Pastor, I can see your problem. But I suggest we take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that.’
Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent but were under strict instructions from the Mother Superior that they were not to get as much as a speck of paint on their habits. So they decided to lock the door and paint the room in the nude.
They were halfway through painting the room when there was a knock on the door.
‘Who is it?’ called out one of the nuns.
‘The blind man,’ came the reply.
The two nuns looked at each other and, thinking that no harm could be done by letting a blind man enter the room, they opened the door.
‘Right, sisters,’ said the man. ‘Where do you want these blinds?’
Bill was a regular visitor to his local racetrack, but he nearly always lost all his money. One day after failing to back a winner in the first three races, he noticed a priest step onto the track before the fourth race and bless the forehead of one of the horses at the starting stalls. Lo and behold, the horse, a rank outsider, went on to win the race.
So Bill was intrigued to see what the priest did before the start of the fifth race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the horses lined up and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Convinced it was a good omen, Bill rushed to the window to put a small wager on the horse, and it duly romped home at a good price.
After collecting his winnings, Bill watched eagerly to see whether the priest would bless a horse before the sixth race. Right on cue, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses at the start. Bill quickly placed a larger bet and the horse – another long shot – raced to victory. Bill was elated that he had found the secret to success.
The same happened for the next three races, leaving Bill handsomely in profit. So before the last race of the day, he visited an ATM and withdrew his life savings. He then waited for the priest’s blessing, which would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track and anointed the forehead, ears, eyes and hooves of one of the horses. Bill placed his bet – every cent he owned – then watched in despair as the horse trailed in last.
Dumbfounded, Bill sought out the priest. ‘What happened, Father?’ he demanded. ‘All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and it loses. Now I’ve lost my life savings thanks to you!’
The priest nodded wisely and said: ‘That’s the trouble with you Protestants – you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.’
School
The schoolteacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘My dad taught me.’
‘Good,’ said the teacher. ‘So what comes after eight?’
‘Nine,’ answered Johnny.
‘And what comes after nine?’
‘Ten.’
‘And what comes after ten?’
‘The jack.’
Little Johnny was late for school and said to the teacher: ‘Sorry I’m late, miss, but I had to make my own breakfast this morning.’
‘Very well, Johnny,’ said the teacher, ‘I’ll accept your excuse but now that you’re here, you can take part in our geography test. So, Johnny, do you know where the Scottish border is?’
‘Yes, miss, in bed with my mum. That’s why I had to make my own breakfast!’
Two female teachers accompanied a group of third, fourth and fifth graders on a field trip to the local racecourse to learn about thoroughbred racehorses. During the tour some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher while the boys went with another.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn’t reach the urinal. Reluctantly the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn’t help noticing that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
‘I guess you must be in the fifth?’ she said.
‘No, ma’am,’ he replied. ‘I’m in the seventh, riding Linda’s Legacy. Thanks for the lift anyway.’
Little Johnny’s father said: ‘Can I see your school report?’
‘I haven’t got it,’ said Johnny.
‘Why not?’
‘My friend Kenny borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.’
Arriving home from school, Little Johnny told his mother: ‘My teacher thinks I’m going to be famous.’
‘Really?’ said his mother. ‘Why? What did she say?’
‘She said all I have to do is mess up one more time and I’m history!’
A couple were concerned that their son would refuse to learn maths at his new school, so they sent him to a local Catholic school that had an excellent reputation in the subject. However after his first day at the Catholic school, the boy came home, went straight to his room and slammed the door.
This behaviour continued every school night for the next six weeks, at the end of which his parents were invited along to meet the teachers. They feared the worst but instead their son’s maths teacher revealed that the boy was top of the class.
On their way home, they asked their son: ‘So what changed your mind about learning maths? You used to hate the subject.’
‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘on the first day I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to a plus sign at the back of the room, so I knew straight away that they meant business!’
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She told him: ‘This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is word for word exactly the same essay as your brother has written.’
‘Of course it is,’ said Johnny. ‘It’s the same dog!’
For homework, the teacher asked each child in her class to write a story with a moral. The next day, they read out their stories.
First to go was young Rachel. She said: ‘My daddy owns a farm and every Sunday we put the chicken eggs on the truck and drive to town to sell them at market. But one Sunday we hit a pothole in the road and all the eggs smashed. And the moral of the story is: don’t put all your eggs in one basket.’
‘That’s very good, Rachel,’ said the teacher. ‘Now it’s your turn, Alice.’
Alice read out her story. ‘My daddy also owns a farm. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in an incubator. Last weekend, only six of the ten eggs hatched. And the moral of the story is: don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.’
‘Well done, Alice,’ said the teacher. ‘Now let’s hear your story, Johnny.’
Little Johnny read out his story. ‘My grandad fought in Vietnam, but one day his plane was shot down. He parachuted to safety before it crashed but he could only take with him a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the case of beer on the way down and landed in the middle of thousands of enemy soldiers. He shot sixty-five Vietcong with the gun and when he ran out of bullets he killed another twenty with his machete and throttled twelve more with his bare hands.’
‘That’s a remarkable adventure,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is the moral of the story?’
Johnny said: ‘Don’t mess with my grandad when he’s drunk.’
A young girl came home from school and said: ‘Mummy, today in school I was punished for something I didn’t do.’
‘That’s terrible,’ said the mother. ‘I’m going to speak to your teacher
about it. Now what was it that you didn’t do?’
The girl replied: ‘My homework.’
On the first day of the new academic year, the school secretary was filling out forms relating to each student’s personal details,
‘What is your father’s occupation?’ she asked a new boy at school.
‘He’s a magician,’ replied the boy.
‘A magician! How interesting! What’s his favourite trick?’
‘He saws people in half.’
‘Gosh! That’s amazing! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?’
‘Yes. One half-brother and two half-sisters.’
Little Johnny’s mother was puzzled why he was home from school early.
‘I was the only one who could answer a question,’ replied Johnny.
‘Really?’ said his mother. ‘What was the question?’
‘Who set Miss Hamilton’s dress on fire?’
Genuine Student Bloopers
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
A kangaroo keeps its baby in the porch.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
Homer also wrote the ‘Oddity’, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
Television was invented by a Scotsman named John Yogi Bear.
Romeo and Juliet were star-crossed lovers, which means they were both cross-eyed.
William Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, on his birthday.
Abraham Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept in his attic.
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Benjamin Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
A boy was doing his geography homework one evening when he turned to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where are the Andes?’
‘Don’t ask me,’ said the father. ‘Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.’
The kindergarten teacher noticed a little puddle under Jenny’s chair.
‘Oh, Jenny!’ said the teacher. ‘You should have put your hand up.’
‘I did,’ said Jenny, ‘but it still trickled through my fingers.’
Little Johnny’s father was disappointed that the boy scored such low marks in a school spelling test.
‘Why did you get such a bad mark?’ he asked.
‘Absence,’ said Little Johnny.
‘What do you mean? Were you absent on the day of the test?’
‘No,’ said Little Johnny, ‘but the boy who sits next to me was!’
One day at school, the teacher decided to play an animal game. She held up a picture of a giraffe and asked if any of the class knew what it was. ‘See its long neck?’ she said. ‘What animal has a long neck?’
And Jenny answered: ‘It’s a giraffe.’
‘Very good, Jenny,’ said the teacher.
Then the teacher held up a picture of a zebra, and when no answers were forthcoming, she said: ‘See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?’
And Timmy answered: ‘It’s a zebra.’
‘Well done, Timmy,’ said the teacher.
Next the teacher held up a picture of a deer. None of the children recognized the animal, so the teacher said: ‘See the big antlers on this animal? What animal has horns?’
Still nobody put up their hand, so the teacher offered a further clue: ‘It’s something your mother calls your father.’
Little Johnny immediately shouted out: ‘I know what it is. It’s a horny bastard.’
Sex
A woman was having an affair while her husband was out at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
‘Quick!’ she shouted to her boyfriend. ‘Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!’
The boyfriend looked out the window and said: ‘I can’t jump! It’s raining like crazy out there and I’m naked!’
‘I don’t care,’ she insisted. ‘If my husband catches us, he’ll kill the pair of us.’
So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped from the bedroom window. When he landed, he found himself in the middle of a group of marathon runners. Hoping to blend in even though he was naked, he started running alongside them, carrying his clothes over his arm.
One of the runners asked: ‘Do you always run in the nude?’
Thinking on his feet, the boyfriend replied breathlessly: ‘Yes, always. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I’m running.’
‘Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?’ queried the athlete.
‘Oh yes,’ panted the boyfriend. ‘That way I can get dressed at the end of the run, get in my car and just go straight home without a shower.’
‘And’, the athlete added, ‘do you always wear a condom when you run?’
‘Only if it’s raining.’
A boy was brought up by very strict parents who never allowed him to meet girls. He was so naïve that when one day he saw a school friend kissing a girl, he went straight home to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him: ‘It’s called kissing, and any boy that does that to a girl will be instantly turned to stone!’
On the boy’s twenty-first birthday, he was introduced by a friend to a sweet girl who knew that he had never been kissed before. When she got him alone, she tried to kiss him, but he resisted.
‘Why won’t you let me kiss you?’ she asked. ‘There’s nothing to be afraid of.’
‘There is!’ he said. ‘My mother says that if I kiss a girl, I’ll die that very minute!’
‘That is nonsense,’ said the girl, and she proceeded to plant a full kiss on his lips.
He instantly recoiled in horror. ‘Oh no, I’m going to die!’ he exclaimed.
‘No you’re not,’ she said.
‘I am,’ he insisted. ‘I’ve only just kissed you and already one part of me has started to get stiff!’
Two men were discussing their marriages. One said: ‘I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the other. ‘What was her maiden name?’
A wife was standing in the kitchen one morning, preparing soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, and wearing only the T-shirt she had slept in. As her husband walked in, she turned to him and said: ‘I need you to make love to me right now, here, across the kitchen table.’
Before she could change her mind, he had sex with her on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she hurriedly thanked him and returned to the stove.
Happy but puzzled, he asked her: ‘What was all that about?’
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘The egg timer’s broken.’
Sex Is Like . . .
Riding a bike – you have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
Your salary – you don’t disclose what you get but you always think others are getting more.
A pack of Pringles – once you pop, you just can’t stop.
Air – it’s no big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
Golf – you can enjoy it without being any good at it.
Snow – you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.
Money – only too much is enough.
Pizza – when
it’s good, it’s really good; when it’s bad, it’s still kinda good.
Art – most of it is pretty bad and the good stuff is out of your price range.
Playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Fractions – it is improper when the larger one is on top.
Mathematics – add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and multiply.
Two guys were driving along when they saw a pair of dogs mating in a front garden. The driver remarked: ‘That’s great! My wife and I do that every night.’
The passenger said: ‘My wife is more conservative – she likes the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do that, I’ll give it a try.’