by Nick Harris
‘It’s easy,’ said the driver. ‘I just pour her a couple of martinis and she’s game for anything.’
‘Okay,’ said the passenger. ‘I’m going to try that tonight.’
When the two men met the following morning, the driver asked: ‘So how did you get on last night?’
‘It was amazing,’ said the passenger, ‘but it took my wife ten martinis.’
‘Ten martinis?’
‘Yeah, after two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took eight more to get her out on the front lawn.’
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
– They don’t have time.
A couple were desperate for sex but with a nine-year-old son around, they never had any time to themselves. So one day, they devised a plan where they sent him out onto the balcony of their high-rise apartment and asked him to report on everything that was going on in the neighbourhood while they enjoyed a quickie inside.
The boy stood on the balcony as instructed and reported on everything that was happening. ‘A police car has just called at the Browns’ house, the Pearces have just had a new TV delivered, and the Kennedys are having sex.’
Hearing this, the boy’s parents stopped in their tracks. ‘How do you know the Kennedys are having sex?’
‘Because their kid is standing on the balcony, too.’
Tom worked so hard that his only relaxation in life was going bowling two nights a week. His wife became so concerned about him overdoing it at the office that for his birthday she took him to a local strip club.
The club doorman greeted them. ‘Hey, Tom, how are you doing?’
His wife was puzzled by this and asked Tom whether he had ever been to the club before.
‘No,’ said Tom. ‘The guy’s on my bowling team.’
When they sat down, a waitress asked Tom if he wanted his usual and brought over a Budweiser.
His wife grew increasingly uncomfortable. ‘How did she know you drink Budweiser?’ she asked.
‘Oh,’ said Tom, ‘she’s in the ladies’ bowling league. We share lanes with them.’
A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around Tom, rubbed herself all over him and said: ‘Hi, Tommy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’
Tom’s wife, now furious, grabbed her handbag and stormed out of the club. Tom followed, and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her and tried to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else. But his wife was having none of it. Instead she screamed at him at the top of her voice, calling him every insult in the book.
Hearing the row, the cab driver turned around and said: ‘Gee, Tom, you picked up a real bitch this time!’
A cowboy walked into a barber’s shop, sat in the chair and said: ‘I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.’
While the barber began to lather the cowboy’s face, a beautiful woman knelt down and started to shine his shoes. The cowboy was so impressed by her magnificent figure and long flowing hair that he said: ‘Young lady, you and I should have wild sex in a hotel room tonight.’
‘I’m married,’ she answered, ‘and I don’t think my husband would approve.’
‘Well,’ said the cowboy, ‘make up an excuse. Tell him you’re working late.’
‘You tell him,’ she said. ‘He’s the one shaving you.’
A circus advertised for a new lion tamer. There were two applicants – a young man and a beautiful girl.
At the audition the circus owner warned them: ‘This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer and mauled the one before that, so you’d better be good. All the equipment you’ll need is over there – a chair and a whip. So who wants to go first?’
The girl volunteered, completely ignored the whip and calmly stepped into the lion’s cage where she sat down on the chair. As the lion bounded menacingly toward her, she threw open her coat to reveal that she was stark naked underneath. The lion immediately stopped in its tracks, rolled over on its back and began rubbing its head affectionately on her legs.
The circus owner was amazed. Turning to the young man, he said: ‘Well, can you top that?’
‘Sure I can,’ said the young man, ‘if you get that damn lion out of the way!’
With his wife eight months’ pregnant, a man was becoming increasingly desperate for sex. One night as he gazed at her in frustration, she finally took pity on him, reached into a drawer and said: ‘Here, take this fifty-dollar bill to the woman at number twenty-eight. She will let you sleep with her. But remember, this is a one-off. Don’t even think about trying it again.’
‘Thanks, honey,’ he said, and rushed out of the door before she changed her mind.
A few minutes later, he returned, handed the bill back to his wife and said dejectedly: ‘It’s not enough. She says she wants sixty.’
‘That bitch!’ raged the wife. ‘When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!’
What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?
– They both got fired.
A sex therapist asked a man: ‘Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?’
He replied: ‘Only if there’s a phone handy.’
Things Not To Say During Sex
I hope you’re as good-looking when I’m sober.
Have you got any penicillin?
Keep the noise down. Mother’s a light sleeper.
But everybody looks funny naked!
Is that blood on the headboard?
It makes a change being with a woman I don’t have to inflate.
You’re almost as good as my ex.
Maybe we can try again later.
Did you ever see . . . ?
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
Did you remember to lock the back door?
Did I tell you my Aunt Ethel died in this bed?
Is that it?
A man complained to his doctor that his sex life had become boring. So the doctor advised him to inject a little spontaneity into the relationship and take his wife by surprise with an unexpected demonstration of passion. The man thought it sounded a good idea.
A week later, he returned to the doctor and said: ‘I did everything you suggested. I left work early without telling my wife, dashed into the house and found my wife in the living room. Without saying a word, I immediately stripped her naked and made wild, passionate love to her on the coffee table.’
‘And was it good?’ asked the doctor.
‘It was fantastic,’ said the man, ‘although I’m not sure the Bible group were too impressed!’
A professor was invited to give a talk to a women’s lunch group on sex. But because he was embarrassed about his wife knowing, he told her that the subject of his talk was horse riding.
A few days later, his wife ran into two members of the group at the supermarket. They complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
‘Yes, I heard,’ she said. ‘But I was surprised about the subject matter because he’s only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk and the second time he fell off!’
Tarzan had been living alone in the jungle for over twenty years and during that time had been forced to use suitable shaped holes in trees for sex. Then one day, Jane showed up, just as Tarzan was thrusting himself into the hole of an oak tree.
‘You can’t carry on like that,’ said Jane. ‘Here, take me instead.’
As Jane reclined seductively on the grass, an already aroused Tarzan ran over to her and kicked her hard in the crotch.
‘What did you do that for?’ asked Jane.
Tarzan replied: ‘Tarzan always check for squirrels first.’
A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she had ever seen. She asked him if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said: ‘Sure is,
little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!’
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a hundred-dollar bill.
Blushing, he said: ‘Why thank you, ma’am. I’m flattered. Nobody’s ever paid me for my services before.’
‘Don’t be flattered,’ she said icily. ‘Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!’
A little boy woke up three nights in a row when he heard a thumping sound coming from his parents’ bedroom. Finally one morning he said to his mother: ‘Mum, every night I hear you and Daddy making a noise and when I look in, you’re bouncing up and down on him.’
‘Oh,’ said his mother, searching desperately for an explanation, ‘I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.’
‘It won’t work,’ said the boy.
‘Why not?’
‘Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!’
George was walking along the street when he saw his friend Bill pull up in a Rolls-Royce. ‘Hey, Bill,’ he said. ‘Where did you get a car like that?’
Bill said: ‘You won’t believe it when I tell you. I was in town yesterday when a beautiful brunette pulled up in this car and offered me a lift. So naturally I accepted, and as soon as I got in she started kissing me. Then she drove to a quiet country lane, dragged me into the back seat, took off all her clothes except her black lacy knickers and purred: ‘Take what you want.’
‘What did you do?’ asked George.
‘Well,’ said Bill, ‘I could see her underwear wouldn’t fit me, so I took the car.’
Pinocchio’s girlfriend kept complaining: ‘Every time we make love I get splinters.’
So Pinocchio sought the advice of his maker, Gepetto the carpenter. ‘What you need, Pinocchio,’ said Gepetto, ‘is sandpaper. That will solve the problem.’
So Pinocchio bought some sheets of sandpaper. A few weeks later, Gepetto bumped into Pinocchio in the street. ‘How are you getting on with the girls since you started using the sandpaper?’ he asked.
Pinocchio said: ‘Who needs girls?’
An insecure young man asked his girlfriend how she would describe him as a lover.
‘Warm,’ she replied. ‘Yes, that’s the word I’d use: warm.’
He was flattered until he went home and, out of interest, looked up the meaning of the word ‘warm’ in the dictionary.
His face fell as he read: ‘Warm: not so hot.’
A woman met a man in a bar. They started chatting, seemed to get on well, and at the end of the evening, he invited her back to his place. He showed her around his apartment, and she noticed that one wall in his bedroom was lined with dozens and dozens of soft teddy bears, neatly arranged on three long shelves. There were small bears on the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears on the middle shelf, and giant cuddly teddies on the top shelf.
‘What’s with the teddies?’ she asked.
‘Oh, I used to work in a fairground,’ he replied, ‘and besides I think they’re kinda cute.’
Impressed by having met such a sensitive man, she kissed him tenderly on the lips. He responded, and they fell into bed, where they proceeded to have sex.
Afterwards, she rolled over and, gently stroking his chest, asked him: ‘Well, how was it?’
Avoiding eye contact, he said brusquely: ‘Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.’
A couple had been married for twenty years, during which time the husband always insisted on turning off the light before making love. His wife eventually became so fed up with the routine that one night while they were in the middle of having sex, she suddenly turned the light back on. She looked down to see that he was holding a vibrator.
She exploded with rage. ‘You’ve been cheating me all these years,’ she screamed. ‘You liar! You’d better explain yourself!’
‘Okay,’ he said calmly. ‘I’ll explain the sex toy. You explain our four kids!’
A man was desperate for sex but he only had seven dollars. He was thrown out of the first two whorehouses he went to, so he tried a third.
‘I need sex,’ he told the Madame. ‘But I’ve only got seven dollars.’
‘That’s not much,’ she said, ‘but for seven dollars we can give you a penguin.’
‘What’s a penguin?’ he asked.
‘You’ll see,’ she said.
So he paid his seven dollars, went upstairs and waited for his penguin. A few minutes later a young woman came in and started giving him hand relief. But at the last moment, she suddenly stopped and walked away. Frustrated beyond belief, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming: ‘What’s a penguin?’
She was only . . .
. . . a photographer’s daughter, but she was really well developed.
. . . a road worker’s daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
. . . a barrister’s daughter, but she kept a tight hold of her briefs.
`
. . . a draughtsman’s daughter, but she knew where to draw the line.
. . . a constable’s daughter, but she wouldn’t let the Chief Inspector.
. . . a weatherman’s daughter, but she had a warm front.
. . . a doctor’s daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
. . . a jockey’s daughter, but all the horse manure.
. . . an optician’s daughter, but she was always making a spectacle of herself.
. . . a fisherman’s daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
. . . an electrician’s daughter, but she was well connected.
. . . a bookbinder’s daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
. . . a violinist’s daughter, but when she took off her G-string all the boys fiddled.
. . . a minister’s daughter, but I wouldn’t put anything pastor.
. . . a whisky maker’s daughter, but he loved her still.
. . . a florist’s daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
. . . a plumber’s daughter, but she sure gave my heart a wrench.
. . . a cattleman’s daughter, but she couldn’t keep her calves together.
. . . a gravedigger’s daughter, but anyone cadaver.
. . . a barman’s daughter, but she knew how to pull without getting stout.
Shopping
A man went into a hardware store and asked for some nails.
‘How long do you want them?’ asked the assistant.
‘Oh,’ said the customer. ‘I was rather hoping to keep them.’
On a trip to a shopping mall, a couple agreed to split up, visit their favourite shops and meet up again in an hour and a half. So while the husband visited the camera shop and the bike shop, his wife targeted the big clothes store. When he met up with her ninety minutes later as arranged outside the store, she was carrying a dozen bags filled with clothes.
‘I don’t believe it!’ he exclaimed. ‘Have you really bought all that?’
‘Well, yes,’ she replied. Then gesturing towards the interior of the shop, she added: ‘But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind.’
A man went to the perfume counter of a big department store and said he wanted a bottle of Chanel No. 5 gift-wrapped for his wife’s birthday.
‘A little surprise, is it?’ asked the sales assistant.
‘Yes,’ said the man. ‘She’s expecting a new car!’
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her three young children. After hours of trailing around toyshops and hearing her kids asking for every item on the shelves, she was thoroughly fed up. Weighed down with bags, she squeezed herself and her kids into a crowded shopping mall elevator and sighed aloud, to nobody in particular: ‘Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!’
A voice from the back of the elevator replied quietly: ‘Don’t worry, ma’am, I believe they crucified him.’
The seller emailed him back: ‘Well, I did say it was in mint condition.’
A man went into a discount store and asked the woman at the cash desk if everything in the store really was only one dollar.
‘That’s right,’ she said. ‘Every item in the store.’
So he gave her a dollar and asked for the cash register.