by Nick Harris
Then she whispered: ‘If each of you gives me fifty dollars, I’ll show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.’
Salivating at the prospect, the men quickly handed over fifty dollars each. The girl then looked out of the window and pointed to a building they were passing. ‘See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!’
A group of English tourists were travelling by coach around Ireland, but one woman did nothing but complain. She moaned about the hotels, the food, the weather, the people, the guides, everything. She was the tourist from Hell.
When the group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone, the tour guide said: ‘Legend has it that kissing the Blarney Stone will bring you good luck for the rest of your life. Unfortunately it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.’
‘We can’t be here tomorrow,’ moaned the miserable tourist. ‘We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone at all.’
‘Well now,’ said the guide, just about controlling his temper, ‘it is also said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.’
‘And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone?’ sneered the woman.
‘No, madam,’ replied the guide. ‘But I have sat on it!’
Working Life
One by one the managers of a company were called into the CEO’s office until only the newest, most junior manager was left sitting nervously outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the CEO and the twelve senior managers seated solemnly around a table.
Addressing the junior manager, the CEO said: ‘Young man, have you ever slept with Miss Henderson, our company secretary?’
‘No, certainly not.’
‘Are you absolutely sure?’ the CEO persisted.
‘Absolutely. I swear I’ve never laid a finger on her.’
‘You’d swear that on the Bible?’
‘Yes, I’d swear on the Bible that I’ve never had a sexual relationship with your secretary.’
‘Good,’ said the CEO. ‘Then you can fire her.’
Why did the mathematician turn off the heating in his home?
– So he could be cold and calculating.
A businessman told his neighbour that his company was looking for a new accountant.
‘Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?’ asked the neighbour.
‘Yes,’ said the businessman. ‘That’s the accountant we’re looking for.’
How do you know when an accountant is on vacation?
– He doesn’t wear a tie to work and comes in at 8.31.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
– When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
A man handed in his job application to the human resources department of a large company. As the executive flicked through the CV, he couldn’t help but notice that the applicant had been fired from every post he had ever held.
‘This CV isn’t much of a recommendation,’ said the HR executive. ‘You’ve been fired from every job. Can you name one positive aspect to such a terrible employment record?’
The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Well, at least it shows I’m not a quitter!’
A young man complained to his friend: ‘I was sacked from my new job today for asking the customers if they wanted “Smoking or Non-Smoking”.’
‘That’s a bit harsh,’ said the friend.
‘I thought so, too. But the funeral director told me the correct phrase was “Cremation or Burial”.’
A man came home and told his wife: ‘I got fired at work today. My boss said my communication skills were awful.’
‘What did you say?’
‘I didn’t know what to say.’
When George woke up on his fortieth birthday, he was dismayed to find that his wife and children appeared to have completely forgotten that it was his big day. They didn’t even mention his birthday, so he left for work in a huff.
When he arrived at the office, his pretty secretary Rachel immediately wished him Happy Birthday.
‘Thank you, Rachel,’ said George. ‘That’s the nicest thing that’s happened to me all day. You’re the only person who seems to have remembered.’
Later in the morning, Rachel asked George if he fancied going out for lunch by way of celebration.
‘Yes, why not?’ he said. ‘After all, it is my birthday.’
So the two of them dined in a cosy restaurant and after a couple of glasses of wine, she turned to him and said: ‘My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to see it?’
‘Sure,’ replied George.
Arriving at her apartment, George sat on the couch while Rachel went into the bedroom, promising that she would be right back. A couple of minutes later, she reappeared, followed by George’s family, friends and co-workers.
George just sat there . . . naked.
The CEO of a major international company was due to speak to a key convention, so he asked Jones, one of his minions, to write him a dynamic, twenty-minute speech. But when the CEO returned from the event, he was fuming.
‘Why the hell did you write me a one-hour speech?’ he raged. ‘Half the audience began to walk out long before I was finished!’
Jones was puzzled. ‘I did write you a twenty-minute speech, sir,’ he said. ‘I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.’
A company’s human resources department suspected that a number of workers were taking unauthorized sick leave. The workers’ union strongly denied this, and the dispute degenerated into a bitter war of words.
Then one day, the HR director marched in to the union leader’s office brandishing a newspaper. Pointing to a photograph on the back page, the HR director raged: ‘This man called in sick yesterday but here on the sports page is a picture of him winning a local golf tournament with a score of two under par!’
The union leader glanced at the picture, tossed the paper aside and said: ‘Well, just think of the score he could have made if he hadn’t been sick!’
A man owned a dog that howled all night, every night. Eventually the man concluded that the dog had too much testosterone, so he took the animal to the vet to be castrated. But to the despair of the man and his neighbours, the dog continued howling.
Finally he said to the dog: ‘You’ve had the operation. Why are you still howling?’
The dog replied: ‘Because now I’m a consultant.’
Genuine Notes to Milkmen
Dear milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but no bread today.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
When you leave the milk, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don’t leave any milk.
The chickens in a large hen house started to fight, and a number died of their injuries every day. So the farmer sought the advice of a rural affairs consultant.
‘Add baking powder to the chickens’ food,’ suggested the consultant. ‘It will calm them down.’
A week later, the farmer returned to the consulta
nt and said: ‘My chickens are still dying. Is there anything else I can try?’
‘Add strawberry juice to their drinking water,’ said the consultant. ‘That will help for sure.’
Three days later, the farmer went back to the consultant. ‘It’s no good. My chickens are still fighting. Do you have any more advice?’
‘I can give you more and more advice,’ answered the consultant. ‘The real question is whether you have more chickens.’
A worker went up to his employer, showed him his last wage packet and said: ‘This is two hundred dollars short.’
‘I know,’ said the employer. ‘But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you didn’t say anything then.’
‘Well,’ said the worker, ‘I don’t mind the occasional mistake, but when it becomes a habit, I feel I have to draw it to your attention.’
A man attending a job interview was asked what he thought his greatest qualities were.
‘My motivational skills,’ he replied. ‘At my last job everyone said they had to work twice as hard when I was around.’
A lowly office worker named Eric boasted to his boss that he knew every famous person in the world, including celebrities, royalty and heads of state. Not surprisingly, his boss scoffed at the claim, so Eric promised to introduce him to some of his famous friends.
‘Would you believe me’, asked Eric, ‘if I took you to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger?’
‘Maybe,’ said the boss.
So they drove to Schwarzenegger’s mansion, and Arnie came to the door to greet them. ‘Hey, Eric, how you doin’? Long time no see. Why don’t you and your friend come in for lunch?’
They stayed for two hours, eating and drinking at Arnie’s expense. As they left, Eric said to his boss: ‘Now are you convinced?’
‘You just got lucky,’ said the boss with a sneer. ‘Arnie’s a naturally friendly guy.’
‘Okay,’ sighed Eric. ‘What if I introduced you to Madonna? Then would you believe that I know everybody worth knowing?’
‘Hmm, perhaps,’ conceded the boss.
So they flew to London, where Eric took his boss to Madonna’s house.
‘Eric, great to see you again,’ said Madonna. ‘Who’s your friend?’
‘This is my boss,’ said Eric.
‘Come in, both of you. Any friend of Eric’s is a friend of mine.’
An hour later, they left and Eric asked his boss: ‘Now do you believe me?’
‘I don’t know,’ said his boss. ‘You could have tipped her off in advance and paid her to say she knew you.’
Eric shook his head in despair, and then said: ‘How about if I showed you I was friends with the Pope?’
‘I guess that would be pretty impressive,’ said the boss. ‘If you could get to stand on the Vatican balcony with the Pope, then yes I’d finally be convinced that you know every famous person in the world.’
So the pair travelled to Rome. The boss waited in St Peter’s Square while Eric entered the Vatican. A few minutes later, true to his word, Eric appeared on the Vatican balcony alongside the Pope.
Immediately afterwards, Eric rushed back down to the square to find his boss’s reaction, only to discover that he had fainted.
‘What happened?’ asked Eric.
‘I was fine,’ said the boss wearily, ‘until the guy next to me said: “Who’s that on the balcony with Eric?”’
George came home from work, ate his dinner and slumped in the chair. Worried that he was working too hard and needed to relax, his wife went over to him and started caressing him tenderly.
‘Get off, woman,’ he said testily. ‘I get enough of that at the office!’
On a baking hot summer’s day, the temperature in the open plan office was nudging ninety degrees and the foul stench of perspiration was coming from one desk in the corner.
Eventually one of the workers said pointedly: ‘Obviously someone’s deodorant isn’t working.’
The guy at the desk in the corner called back: ‘Well, it can’t be me because I’m not wearing any.’
Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?
– Because he didn’t like being spoken to in that tone of voice.
What Advertising Terms Really Mean
NEW: Different colour from previous design.
ALL NEW: Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
REDESIGNED: Previous flaws fixed – we hope.
EXCLUSIVE: Imported product.
UNRIVALLED: Almost as good as the competition.
ENERGY SAVING: When the power is off.
ADVANCED DESIGN: The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
FUTURISTIC: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY: One of our tech guys was laid off by Boeing.
FIELD TESTED: Manufacturer lacks proper testing equipment.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a use for it.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustments.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN: Will operate through the warranty period.
DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had a major argument with distributor.
MAINTENANCE FREE: Impossible to repair.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours.
A young man with an attitude problem went to apply for a job. After filling out various applications forms, he waited to hear whether or not he had been successful. The employer read the forms and told him: ‘Actually we do have an opening for people like you.’
‘Good,’ said the young man. ‘What is it?’
The employer said: ‘It’s called the door!’
A physician, a civil engineer and a consultant were arguing about what was the world’s oldest profession.
The physician began: ‘In the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. That clearly required surgery, so I can justifiably claim that mine is the world’s oldest profession.’
The civil engineer interrupted: ‘But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it says that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first application of civil engineering. So mine is the world’s oldest profession.’
The consultant leaned back in his chair, smiled and said: ‘Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?’