by Nick Harris
‘I see,’ said the travel agent. ‘Where did you have in mind this year?’
‘Somewhere cheaper,’ said the man, ‘so that she can come with me for once.’
As part of its random testing programme for pilots, the Federal Aviation Administration paid a pre-Christmas visit to Santa Claus. In preparation for what he knew would be a thorough examination of his flying skills, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe the reindeer. The examiner walked slowly around the sled, checking the reindeer harnesses and the landing gear. Satisfied that everything was in order, he told Santa it was time for the test ride.
Santa climbed into the sled, fastened his seat belt and checked his compass. Then the examiner jumped in, carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.
‘What’s that for?’ asked Santa.
The examiner winked and whispered: ‘I’m not really supposed to tell you this ahead of the test, but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.’
A man got lost and called in to a village shop to ask for directions. He asked the shopkeeper: ‘Can you tell me the quickest way to Bristol?’
‘Are you walking or driving?’ asked the shopkeeper.
‘Driving.’
‘Good, because that’s definitely the quickest way.’
A man, a pig and a dog were the sole survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island where they soon developed a routine of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful wispy clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for romance. As the three of them sat there, the pig began to look increasingly attractive to the man. After a while, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it. But the dog was instantly jealous and growled menacingly until the man removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
Two months later, there was another shipwreck in the area and the only survivor was the most beautiful young woman the man had ever seen. She was in a bad way when she was washed up on their island but slowly he nursed her back to health until she was well enough to join the three of them on the beach for their sunset ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, wispy clouds, a warm, gentle breeze, perfect for romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those urges again. He fought them as long as he could but eventually he could contain himself no longer. So he leaned over to the beautiful young woman and whispered in her ear: ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
With the car hood up, a man was carrying out repairs to the vehicle’s engine. A tramp came along and looked to see what the man was doing.
The man explained: ‘Piston broke.’
‘Me, too,’ sighed the tramp wearily.
A woman was driving along the road when the car in front braked suddenly and she ploughed into the back of it.
When the driver got out, the woman saw that he was short of stature. He said: ‘I’m not happy.’
The woman said: ‘Well, which one ARE you?’
A man and a woman were sitting next to each other in the first-class section of an aeroplane. After a few minutes, the woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently in her seat.
Mystified by the shuddering, the man nevertheless continued reading his book. But a few minutes later the same thing happened again. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently in her seat.
The man was becoming increasingly curious about the shuddering and, sure enough, a few minutes later, it happened again. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently in her seat.
This time the man could remain silent no longer. ‘Excuse me,’ he said, ‘but three times you have sneezed, taken a tissue, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. What’s it all about?’
‘I’m sorry,’ said the woman, ‘but I suffer from a rare condition. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.’
‘Oh dear,’ said the man, now feeling acutely embarrassed. ‘I’ve never heard of that condition before. What are you taking for it?’
The woman looked at him and said: ‘Pepper.’
An elderly man went to a train station booking office and said: ‘I’d like a return ticket, please.’
‘Where to?’ said the clerk.
‘Back to here, of course,’ said the old man.
A luxury cruise ship sailing in the Pacific sank in a tropical storm. Among the few survivors was a young man who managed to swim through the shark-infested waters to reach a remote desert island. As he lay exhausted on the beach, he noticed another figure a few hundred years away. It was a woman who had been washed ashore from the same ship. She was in a bad way, but he managed to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and brought her back to life. As he stepped back, he realized that the woman was Elle Macpherson.
Elle was so grateful to the young man for saving her life that they set up home together on the deserted island and made love three times a day. For months they led an idyllic existence, untroubled by other members of the human race, until one day Elle noticed that her lover appeared rather sad.
‘What’s the matter, darling?’ she asked. ‘You look so sad. Is there anything I can do to help?’
‘Yes, there is actually,’ replied the young man. ‘Elle, would you mind putting on my shirt?’
‘Sure. Anything for you.’
‘Now would you put on my pants?’
‘No problem if it makes you feel better.’
‘Now would you put on my hat?’
‘Your wish is my command.’
‘And would you mind if I drew a little moustache on your face?’
‘Whatever you want, darling.’
‘Now will you start walking around the edge of the island?’
Dressed in his clothes and with a moustache drawn on her top lip, Elle Macpherson started walking around the perimeter of the island while he set off in the opposite direction. When they met halfway round, he rushed up to her excitedly and yelled: ‘Dude! You’ll never guess who I’m sleeping with!’
After her car had leaked oil all over her driveway, a woman went to her local pet shop to buy an extra-large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It proved so successful that an hour later she went back to the pet shop and bought another extra-large bag of cat litter to finish the job.
The sales clerk remembered her. He looked thoughtfully at her purchase and said: ‘Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!’
At the airport check-in desk, a woman passenger told the clerk: ‘I want you to send one of my bags to New York, one to Chicago and the other one to Los Angeles.’
‘Sorry, we can’t do that,’ said the clerk.
The woman snapped: ‘Well, you did last week!’
During his lunch break at work, a man received a phone call from his wife, asking him to pick up some groceries on his way home. Reminding her that this was his golf league afternoon, he said he would be happy to go to the store after his round of golf.
After playing his round, he stopped at the store and collected two bags of groceries. He then carried the bags to his Rolls-Royce in the car park, but when he got to the car he struggled to reach into his pocket for his keys because his arms were full.
Seeing a pretty young woman walking past, he called out to her: ‘Excuse me, could you help me? I can’t reach into my pocket to get my car keys out so that I can open the door and put these groceries away. Do you think you could reach into my pocket for my keys?’
‘Sure,’ she said.
So she pulled the keys out of his pocket but with them came two golf tees, which fell to the ground.
‘What are these for?’ she asked.
‘Oh,’ he replied, ‘those are to keep my balls in the air while I’m driving.’
‘Gee!’ she exclaimed. ‘Those Rolls-Royce people think of everything!’
On
an aeroplane, what is the difference between a good landing and a great landing?
– A good landing is one where everyone on board is able to walk away; a great landing is one where the plane can be used again.
A wealthy lady was being driven around by her chauffeur when their limo got a flat tyre.
He got out and started trying to prise off the hubcap, but was struggling to shift it.
After a few minutes, the lady leaned out of the window and said: ‘Would you like a screwdriver?’
‘We might as well,’ he replied, ‘because I can’t get this bloody wheel off.’
A budget airline flight was delayed for nearly two hours. When the plane finally took off, the passengers asked the flight attendant the reason for the late departure.
‘Well,’ she explained, ‘the pilot was worried about a noise he heard coming from one of the engines, and it took us a while to get a new pilot.’
The navigator of a luxury cruise liner was steering the ship through dense fog. After a while, he turned to the captain and said: ‘Sir, I think something is wrong with our compass.’
‘What makes you think that?’ asked the captain.
‘Because’, said the navigator, ‘we’ve just been overtaken by a number 42 bus.’
On a crowded commuter train in rush hour, a middle-aged woman found herself pressed up against a male passenger. As the train rocked from side to side, their bodies repeatedly made contact. His presence made her extremely uncomfortable until finally she turned to him and said: ‘If you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m calling the police.’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ said the man. ‘It’s just my wages packet in my pocket.’
‘Well, you must have a good job,’ she scoffed, ‘because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last twenty minutes!’
A pilot and co-pilot were in a light aircraft that was spinning dangerously out of control. Starting to panic, the co-pilot said: ‘If it carries on like this, do you think we’ll fall out?’
‘Of course not,’ replied the pilot. ‘We’ve been friends for years.’
A motorist took his car into a garage. ‘Could you check the battery?’ he asked the mechanic. ‘I think it’s flat.’
‘Why?’ said the mechanic. ‘What shape did you want it to be?’
A young man asked his father, a church minister, if he could borrow the family car.
‘Not until you get your hair cut,’ said the father.
‘What’s your problem?’ asked the son. ‘Moses had long hair, so did Samson and even Jesus.’
‘That’s true,’ said the father. ‘And they also walked everywhere.’
How do you know if an airline pilot is at your party?
– He’ll tell you.
When her car broke down, a woman called out a local mechanic to repair it. He lifted up the hood, looked in the engine, whacked something with a hammer and said: ‘Try it now.’
To her amazement, the car started straight away.
‘That’s incredible,’ she said. ‘You’ve been here less than a minute and you’ve managed to fix it. I’m so grateful.’
‘All part of the job, ma’am. That’ll be two hundred and fifty dollars.’
The smile disappeared from the woman’s face. ‘How much?’ she asked incredulously. ‘How can you charge two hundred and fifty dollars when all you did was hit it with a hammer?’
‘I can write you out an itemized bill if you like,’ he suggested.
‘Yes please,’ she said firmly.
So he wrote out the bill and handed it to her. It read: ‘Hitting engine with hammer – ten dollars. Knowing where to hit it – two hundred and forty dollars.’
When a bus driver pulled up at a bus stop, a giant of a man climbed on board and announced, ‘Big John doesn’t pay’ before walking defiantly to a seat. Being on the skinny side, the driver thought better of getting into an argument with the passenger.
The same thing happened the following day. The man mountain got on the bus, glared at the driver and roared: ‘Big John doesn’t pay.’ He then went straight to a seat.
This went on for several days, by the end of which the driver was beginning to resent Big John’s attitude. He became determined to make Big John pay the fare just like everyone else and to that end, enrolled on a three-week bodybuilding course at the local gym.
Now with rippling muscles where there had previously been skin and bone, the driver eagerly awaited his next confrontation with Big John. Sure enough at his usual stop, the huge passenger got on and declared: ‘Big John doesn’t pay.’
But this time the driver wasn’t going to take it lying down. He rose to his feet, looked the passenger squarely in the eye and demanded: ‘And why doesn’t Big John pay?’
The passenger reached into his inside pocket. The driver momentarily feared for his life. Then the passenger said: ‘Because Big John got bus pass.’
An elderly lady phoned an airline office in New York and asked: ‘How long does it take to fly to Miami?’
‘Just a minute . . .’ said the clerk.
‘Thank you,’ the old lady said and hung up.
Bill was driving along the street when he went through a red light.
‘Watch what you’re doing,’ said George, his passenger. ‘You’ll have an accident.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Bill. ‘My brother does it all the time.’
At the next intersection, Bill drove straight through another red light.
‘Are you crazy?!’ yelled George. ‘You’ll get us both killed!’
‘It’s okay,’ said Bill calmly. ‘My brother does it all the time.’
The next lights were green but this time Bill slammed on his brakes.
‘What have you stopped for?’ asked George.
Bill said: ‘My brother might be coming the other way.’
A travel writer was checking out of a hotel when he noticed a Native American chief sitting in the lobby.
‘Who’s that?’ the writer asked the hotel manager.
‘Oh, that’s Big Chief Forget Me Not. He’s ninety-seven and has an amazing memory. He can remember every single detail of his life, right back to when he was just one year old.’
Intrigued, the writer went over to the chief and attempted to strike up a conversation. ‘Hi there,’ said the writer. ‘I hear you have a fantastic memory. Can you tell me what you had for breakfast on your eighteenth birthday?’
‘Eggs,’ replied the chief simply.
With that, the travel writer bade him farewell and went on to recount the story to several people. As a matter of protocol, they advised him that the correct way to address a Native American chief was not ‘Hi there’ but ‘How?’
A year later, the writer was staying at the same hotel and to his surprise Big Chief Forget Me Not was still sitting in the lobby.
So the writer went over to him and said: ‘How?’
And the chief replied: ‘Scrambled.’
While cruising at 35,000 feet, an aircraft suddenly shuddered violently. A passenger looked out of the window and exclaimed: ‘My God! One of the engines just blew up!’
The passengers went white with fear, and moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as the engine on the other side exploded.
The passengers started to panic, and even the flight attendants struggled to keep order. But just then the pilot strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. Reassured by his air of supreme calm, the passengers returned to their seats as the pilot coolly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and handed them to the rest of the crew. The crewmembers quickly fastened the packages to their backs.
‘Hey,’ said an observant passenger. ‘Aren’t those parachutes?’
‘Yes,’ said the pilot.
‘But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?’ asked the passenger.
‘There isn’t,’ replied the pi
lot as a third engine exploded. ‘We’re going to get help.’
A man spotted a cheap cruise advertised in a travel agent’s window. He went inside and handed over the ninety dollars for the cruise. Then the travel agent hit him over the head with a baseball bat and threw him in the river.
Shortly afterwards, another man was passing the travel agent’s when he saw the same advert. He, too, went in and paid his ninety dollars. The travel agent then whacked him in the ribs with a baseball bat and threw him in the river.
As the two men, battered and bruised, floated down the river together, the first asked: ‘Do you think they’ll serve any food on the cruise?’
‘I shouldn’t think so,’ said the second. ‘They didn’t last year.’
A train compartment contained three men and a beautiful young woman. As the four started talking, the young woman became increasingly flirtatious. Eventually she said: ‘If each of you gives me five dollars, I’ll show you my legs.’
The three men happily paid up, and the girl hitched up her dress to give them a good view of her legs. Then she said: ‘If each of you gives me ten dollars, I’ll show you my thighs.’
The men could hardly wait to reach for their wallets. They paid up, and the girl hitched her dress up even further to allow them to see her thighs.