The Girl's Guide to Getting Hitched: A charming feel-good read

by Sophie Hart

  ‘Mrs Barnes at school says that you should go to church because if you don’t believe in God then you won’t go to heaven,’ Finlay spoke up.

  ‘Mum already got married in church once, so they won’t let her do it again, because she promised that the first time it would be forever but it wasn’t so she lied,’ Kelly finished triumphantly.

  Finlay narrowed his eyes suspiciously, looking between Gill and Kelly as though trying to figure out who was right.

  ‘It’s true,’ Kelly went on, scrolling through her iPad and handing it over to Finlay. ‘There, see? That’s a photo of when Mum married Dad. Don’t they look happy?’

  Gill had gone white, completely unaware that Kelly even had a copy of her wedding photo.

  ‘Did you lie?’ Finlay was wide-eyed as he stared at Gill. ‘Did you lie to God?’

  ‘Kelly,’ Gill snapped, as she jumped up to grab the iPad from Finlay. ‘Mike and I are getting married now, so if we could think about that wedding and not any other ones.’

  ‘I hate Mike,’ Kelly muttered under her breath, just loud enough for everyone to hear.

  ‘Don’t you dare say that,’ Gill yelled furiously. ‘Apologise right now, or you’re grounded for a week. And don’t think you’re getting this back any time soon,’ she added, holding up the precious iPad.

  ‘What? That’s not fair! You can’t ground me for having an opinion.’

  ‘Why are you always such a cow to my dad? He’s never done anything to you,’ Paige rounded on Kelly, jumping to Mike’s defence.

  The atmosphere was horribly uncomfortable, and Julia couldn’t help but feel like an outsider, intruding on an issue that should have been kept within the family. Seeing what Gill had been dealing with made Julia want to get up and leave, to run away and not get involved. But then she had an idea.

  ‘You know what?’ she spoke up, before the argument had a chance to take hold. ‘How about if I chat with the kids for a while, on my own? Gill, you and Mike can take a break, and I’ll brainstorm with everyone, see what we can come up with.’

  Gill looked at Julia as though she was crazy. ‘Really? Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course,’ Julia smiled brightly to hide her misgivings. It felt as though she was about to be left in the lion’s den with five hungry animals. ‘Grab yourself a cup of tea, and we’ll be out soon.’

  Mike raised his eyebrows. ‘Do you know what you’re letting yourself in for? They’re a tough crowd.’

  ‘I’ll be fine, honestly. I’ll yell if I need help.’

  Reluctantly, Gill stood up, fixing the children with her steeliest glare. ‘Right, you lot, I want you all on your best behaviour for Julia. Answer everything she asks you, and no silliness or cheekiness, or else she’ll come and get me immediately. Okay?’

  Freddy gave an enormous nod which involved using his whole body, while Sammy shouted, ‘YES!’ and Finlay and Paige stated their agreement. Kelly remained ominously quiet.

  ‘Good luck,’ Gill offered, as she and Mike left the room, closing the door behind them.

  Julia glanced around, trying to stay positive, as she opened her notebook and took the lid off her pen. It was like dealing with wild animals – you couldn’t show your fear.

  ‘Great, now what I thought might be a good starting place is if you all come up with ideas for the reception – you know, the big party after the wedding,’ she explained, noting Freddy and Finlay’s confused expressions. ‘What about you, Sam?’ she asked, trying to involve the youngest child. ‘Where do you think Daddy and Gill should have their party?’

  ‘Ummm…’ Sam put his finger to his head to show he was thinking. ‘The circus!’

  ‘That’s a brilliant suggestion,’ Julia enthused. ‘We could definitely have a circus-themed party, and we could have a marquee done out like a Big Top, and get jugglers and magicians.’

  ‘And lions and helephants!’ Sam squealed.

  ‘It’s elephants,’ Paige corrected him, moving across the sofa and pulling him onto her lap. ‘And we can’t have real elephants or lions because they’d eat us.’

  ‘Elephants wouldn’t eat us, they’re herbivores, which means they’re vegetarians like Connie Ellison in my class,’ Finlay ran on. ‘But she can eat tofu. Do elephants eat tofu?’ he asked wonderingly, looking up at Julia for the answer.

  Julia frowned. ‘I don’t think so. Just grass and cabbages,’ she giggled. ‘Any more ideas for the party?’

  ‘We could build a massive church out of Lego,’ Freddy suggested.

  ‘I saw on TV where a wedding couple got married in Disneyland,’ Finlay cut in earnestly.

  ‘DISNEYLAND!’ Sam squealed excitedly, kicking his legs. ‘Mickey Mouse and Simba and Princess Elsa and Tigger and—’

  ‘I think they should get married abroad, on a beach,’ Paige suggested dreamily, talking over her brother who was still listing his favourite animated characters. ‘Then we could all have bare feet and swim with dolphins afterwards.’

  ‘That’s a lovely idea,’ Julia encouraged her. ‘But it’s very expensive. I think they’ll have to get married in this country.’

  ‘Maybe they could get married on the beach in Cyprus,’ Paige continued brightly. ‘Then we could all stay with Mum and Costas and it would be really cheap.’

  Kelly threw her a scornful look. ‘We can’t stay with your mum, when your dad is marrying my mum,’ she retorted. ‘That’s just stupid.’

  Paige looked stung, and Julia quickly cut in, asking Kelly whether she had any suggestions.

  ‘No,’ Kelly replied sulkily.

  ‘Oh, I bet you have,’ Julia pressed, refusing to give up. ‘Your mum told me you’re really clever and creative, and always get top marks in art class.’

  Kelly looked torn, unsure whether or not to take the flattery, or to continue with her usual aloof style.

  ‘I reckon they should have a festival-style wedding,’ she said eventually. ‘My friend Becca’s sister had one. She’s older than her – like, twenty-six or something – and they hired a field for the whole weekend.’

  ‘Why would you hire a field?’ Freddy looked confused. ‘There’d be nothing there, except maybe some cows. Moooooooo.’

  ‘You put things in the field,’ Kelly told him witheringly. ‘You hire, like, fairground rides and a band and food stalls, so it’s like a music festival, and then everyone camps overnight.’

  ‘Camping? That sounds cool,’ Freddy brightened.

  ‘What kind of fairground rides?’ Finlay wondered.

  Kelly shrugged. ‘Whatever you want, I guess.’

  ‘Bumper cars?’

  ‘Maybe…’ Kelly looked uncertainly at Julia.

  ‘They’d probably be a bit out of budget, but you’re definitely thinking along the right lines. I once organised a summer party for a big company, and they had a carousel. Or you can get smaller things like bouncy castles and bucking broncos.’

  ‘Bouncy castle! I love bouncy castles,’ Freddy screeched, standing up on the sofa and jumping up and down.

  ‘Freddy, you heard what Mum said, sit down now,’ Kelly told him. Surprisingly, Freddy did as he was told, and Julia shot Kelly a grateful smile. Even more surprisingly, Kelly smiled back.

  ‘Any more ideas?’ Julia wondered, as she scanned the notes in her book.

  ‘We could eat doughnuts!’

  ‘And go in a hot air balloon.’

  ‘…And Woody and Buzz and Mr Tumble…’

  ‘Get married on a boat. Or a lake. Or an island.’

  ‘A treasure island—’

  ‘A jungle—’

  ‘With dinosaurs!’

  ‘Okay, okay, I think I’ve got more than enough to be going on with,’ Julia laughed. ‘I’ll probably come back and see you all in a couple of weeks, so try and think of anything else before then. If you want to do any drawings of what you imagine the wedding might look like, that would be really helpful. And if you have any amazing ideas, don’t forget to tell someone, or write them down so you don’
t forget them.’

  ‘But don’t tell Mum or Mike because it’s supposed to be a surprise,’ Kelly warned them.

  ‘That’s very true,’ Julia agreed, as she had a brainwave. ‘Actually, Kelly, if I give you my email address, would you be able to email me if you think of anything? And everyone else, you can tell Kelly then she’ll let me know. Does that work for you?’

  Kelly looked surprised, but pleased. ‘Yeah, sure,’ she shrugged.

  ‘Great,’ Julia smiled, handing Kelly her business card then picking up her handbag. ‘Thanks so much, everyone. It was great to meet you, and I’m really looking forward to working with you all. Let’s give your mum and dad a wedding they’ll never forget.’

  12

  ‘Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage’ – Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

  ‘Merry Christmas, Mum,’ Aimee beamed, as she stepped through the front door into the little terraced house and hugged Pauline tightly.

  ‘Merry Christmas! Come in, come in, it’s freezing outside. Hello, Jon, how are you, love?’ Pauline squeezed past him in the narrow hallway, closing the door behind him. She went to give him a hug as he moved to kiss her on the cheek, and they ended up in an awkward embrace.

  ‘Mmm, something smells delicious,’ Aimee breathed happily, as she took off her coat and hung it over the banister at the bottom of the stairs.

  ‘Ooh, that’s a nice outfit. Very festive,’ Pauline remarked. Aimee was wearing a white sweater dress with silver sparkle threaded through, and knee-length grey boots that Jon had given her that morning. ‘Can I take your jacket, Jon? You are staying, aren’t you?’ she joked, not noticing the pained expression on his face as she threw his expensive designer coat casually over Aimee’s.

  ‘Hi Dad, happy Christmas,’ Aimee called, as she went through to the living room, where her father, Ken, was sitting in his usual armchair wearing a purple party hat. The television was playing in the background, with Macaulay Culkin trying to outfox the burglars in Home Alone.

  Ken reached for the remote control and turned down the volume, before getting up to greet his daughter and her fiancé.

  ‘These are for you,’ Jon smiled, handing over two bottle-shaped gift bags.

  ‘Thanks very much,’ Ken said, peering inside and pulling out the contents. ‘Ooh, champagne, very fancy. And red wine, I like a drop of that.’

  ‘It’s a claret,’ Jonathan elaborated.

  ‘Is it now.’ Ken looked blank. ‘Well, that’s very nice of you both, very generous. Pauline,’ he called. ‘Come and see what Jonathan’s brought us.’

  ‘Oh, is it present time already?’ Pauline sang as she bustled back through, a tatty old apron over the lacy dress she was wearing. ‘We’ve got a few bits for you two of course,’ she smiled, bending down beneath the Christmas tree to retrieve the parcels.

  Aimee felt a warm glow of nostalgia as she gazed around the room; the Christmas tree was the same one they’d used since she was a child, as were most of the baubles and the tinsel. Everything was verging on shabby but it was all infused with happy memories. The decorations Aimee and her brother, Charlie, had made at primary school hung from the tree’s branches, just like they did every year, and beside the fake fir was the light-up reindeer her mum had bought in the Woolworths sale many years ago.

  Aimee glanced over at Jon and saw him taking in the cards hung on lengths of red wool, tacked to the wall with drawing pins; the chipped wooden nativity by the gas fire, which was missing a wise man; the dancing Santa Claus stood on the sideboard, who sang a tinny version of ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’ when you pressed the button between his boots. The look of distaste on Jon’s face couldn’t be hidden, and Aimee felt a stab of embarrassment for how homely her own parents seemed, compared with Valerie’s enormous house and sophisticated tastes.

  ‘You don’t go in for a real tree then, Mrs Nicholls?’ Jonathan asked, his tone scrupulously polite. Aimee’s heart sank even further.

  ‘No, not for years,’ Pauline explained as she straightened up, holding two messily wrapped parcels covered in mismatched ribbon and bows. ‘They drop needles everywhere, and the cat goes mad for the smell. Unless you want her spraying all over your presents, it’s best to stick with the fake one,’ Pauline chuckled, as she handed them across, her face pink with anticipation.

  Aimee tore into her gift, giggling as she spotted the familiar Cadbury’s selection box; it was a family tradition, and Pauline bought one every year for Aimee and her brother. On top of it was a pretty silk scarf in a butterfly print.

  ‘Thanks Mum,’ Aimee grinned, leaning over to hug her once again.

  ‘You’re very welcome. It’s so difficult to know what to get you now you’re getting older.’

  ‘It’s perfect,’ Aimee smiled. She turned nervously to watch Jon open his gift, hoping that he’d accept it graciously and wouldn’t cause a fuss. Her heart was racing as he carefully peeled back the paper, revealing a burgundy jewellery box. Inside was a shiny gold-plated watch with a fake-leather strap, and Aimee knew instantly that Jon would hate it.

  ‘It’s a watch,’ Pauline announced, in case they hadn’t realised. ‘Aimee told me that yours had broken, so I thought I’d get you another one.’

  ‘Thanks Mum, that’s really thoughtful,’ Aimee told her enthusiastically. Jon’s old watch had been a Breitling, worth over two thousand pounds.

  ‘If you don’t like it, you can take it back and swap it. I kept the receipt. It’s from Argos, so very convenient.’

  ‘No, that won’t be necessary, will it Jon?’ Aimee interjected, giving her fiancé a pleading look.

  ‘It’s… just what I needed, thank you,’ Jon managed through gritted teeth, looking around for somewhere to discard it. He popped it down on the mantelpiece, beside the patchwork stocking that was hanging there, and Aimee winced inwardly.

  Her fiancé wasn’t a snob, he really wasn’t, Aimee told herself. They just came from very different worlds, with very different upbringings. And when those two worlds collided, it didn’t always make for the most comfortable of occasions, Aimee realised, trying not to think about the implications this had for her wedding day.

  ‘Oh, and we got you something else too,’ Pauline continued excitedly, as she picked up an envelope from the coffee table and handed it to Aimee.

  The flap was folded inside and Aimee untucked it, pulling out a card which showed two cartoon mice wrapped up in scarves and hats, sitting inside a horse-drawn sleigh. ‘To a Wonderful Daughter and her Fiancé’, read the gold italic script on the front.

  ‘Aww, that’s cute,’ she smiled, showing it to Jon. As Aimee opened it to read the message, she realised there was another piece of paper inside. It was a cheque for two hundred and fifty pounds.

  ‘Towards the wedding,’ Pauline beamed, as Aimee lifted it out. ‘I know how expensive these things are and we thought, well, every little helps.’

  ‘Mrs Nicholls, you really didn’t have to,’ Jon cut in.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Pauline waved away his words. ‘Ken managed to get some overtime at work, and I’ve been making savings here and there.’

  ‘Honestly,’ Jon insisted. ‘It’s really not necessary. My mother’s more than able to cover the whole cost.’

  Pauline looked taken aback, and Aimee’s heart went out to her. ‘Well, I’m sure it’ll go towards something,’ she said uncertainly. ‘Or maybe you can use it to buy something you need for the flat.’

  ‘We already have everything we need,’ Jon told her with a smile. He was trying to be kind, but Aimee could see how this looked like a rejection of her parents’ generous gesture.

  ‘Thanks, Mum,’ Aimee interjected, with a sharp look at Jon. ‘It’s so kind of you, and we really appreciate it. This’ll cover my bouquet and the buttonholes, won’t it Jon? Or maybe we can put it towards the honeymoon.’

  ‘Yes, the honeymoon,’ Jon repeated stiffly.

  There was an awkward silence. Aimee played absen
t-mindedly with the cheque, folding it in half then folding it once again, her fingers leaving damp marks along the crease.

  ‘Well, shall we make our way through to the kitchen?’ Pauline suggested brightly. ‘The turkey’s ready, so I’ll start dishing up. Turn the telly off, Ken.’

  Ken rolled his eyes, hitting the off button on the remote before getting up from his chair and following Aimee and Jon through to the kitchen, where Pauline had extended the small table to make it large enough to seat four. Aimee’s parents didn’t have a separate dining room, and usually ate in the living room when they didn’t have company.

  Tinkerbell, the Nicholls’ ageing moggy, was curled up in the centre of the table, and Pauline hastily shooed her off. Aimee saw Jon’s eyes widen as he took in the trail of cat hairs she’d left behind on the tablecloth.

  ‘Now it’s going to be a bit of a squeeze,’ Pauline apologised, bumping her bottom on the corner of the table as she tried to take the turkey out of the oven. Jon was hit by a blast of hot air and fanned his face irritably. ‘Why don’t you sit over there, love?’ Pauline suggested anxiously, pointing at the chair furthest from the cooker.

  ‘Should I open the champagne?’ Jon offered, eyeing up the bottle he’d given Ken earlier.

  ‘No, no need for that,’ Ken replied. ‘I’ve got some wine over here. Let’s save the champagne for a special occasion.’ He reached for a bottle that was standing on the worktop and unscrewed the cap, dividing the bottle equally between the four glasses. ‘I’m not sure what this is exactly, but it was on special at the supermarket. Still, down the hatch as they say. Cheers everyone.’

  Ken raised his glass to an echo of, ‘Cheers’.

  Jonathan grimaced as he took a hesitant sip; it was all he could do not to spit it back into the glass.

  ‘It might have been better in the fridge, Dad,’ Aimee suggested tactfully, staring down at the lukewarm, acidic wine in her hand.