The Town Crazy

by Suzzy Roche

  Lil kept going, past the little squares of cherished green lawns, the identical gray garbage cans, and the mailboxes on wooden poles, some leaning, some at strict attention. She steadied herself on a car that was parked by the curb, and looked down at its bumper to see her face in the chrome, distorted, her cheeks stretched sideways like a clown’s.

  On Pine Street, she encountered a small figurine on the Rices’ lawn—a bird (was it a dove?) made of stone—and she stopped short. She thought it spoke to her. Her ears played tricks. All she had to do was get to Immaculate Conception, and then find Alice in the sea of children.

  Once she arrived at the playground gates, a momentary sense of accomplishment faded quickly. As if everything had its own personality, the gates stared back at her, hard and angry. She crossed the street to where the huge elm tree stood and there she leaned against its trunk.

  Soon a procession of mothers and baby carriages came from all directions. How strange, like the coming of the kings at Christmas or a slow march toward death. As the women got closer, Lil knew they must be talking about her. It was clear from the way they stopped and stared. Ginny Rice cupped her mouth and leaned in to whisper to a woman whose name Lil couldn’t remember. Lil longed for her living room, her little friends, the pills, now buried deep in the garbage. Perhaps she shouldn’t have thrown them all away.

  If she could see Alice’s face, things would normalize, and all these women would fade away. She and Alice could walk home together, like they used to do. She’d tell Jim that no, Clarisse could not take Alice, and she would also tell him that she’s done with the pills.

  But when Clarisse and Stephanie came down the street toward the school, for a fleeting moment, Clarisse, in a bright yellow shirtwaist dress, looked to Lil like a gigantic ball of fire. This terror had no end.

  Clarisse crossed the street and walked right up to her, taking charge. “Lil. You made it. Very good. But you don’t look so steady,” she said. “Why don’t you come stand with us?”

  “No, I want to stay here,” said Lil.

  Clarisse patted her on the shoulder and said, “Okay, we’ll keep an eye out.” She noticed that Lil was wearing slippers, and wondered if Lil wasn’t trying to be nuts, just to get attention. The slippers particularly enraged her, because as pathetic as it was for her to wear them, they somehow looked elegant on Lil.

  Clarisse left Lil beside the tree and returned to her friends.

  The mothers, clustered in front of the playground gates, threw sideways glances while tending to their toddlers. Lil, crazy? It all seemed true. For most of them, it was the first glimpse they’d had of her for months. Who knew how to behave in the face of this?

  And now, as if this moment was not interesting enough, Luke Spoon came sauntering toward the school. When he saw Lil O’Brien at his usual spot by the elm, he stopped in the middle of the street.

  “Oh my. He’s lost without his tree,” said Ginny Rice, who found the whole scene amusing.

  “He does look lost,” Clarisse noted.

  “This is beyond awkward,” said Stephanie, glancing at her watch. “I wish the kids would come out.”

  When the playground gates opened, the children ran wild. Dawn and Fawn skipped over to Clarisse, who knelt down to embrace them. As she buttoned Fawn’s sweater, she spotted Felix Spoon and Alice O’Brien in the crowd of children. Were they together? It was hard to tell. Alice, lost in thought, squinted toward the sky, and Felix stopped to rummage through his book bag, as if he had forgotten something.

  FOR ALICE, the sight of her mother set off such a panic that she began to look for Sneedler in the trees. Now she worried that something might have happened to him. She began to turn around in slow circles with her eyes toward the sky hoping to find him, but he was nowhere.

  Dawn and Fawn pointed at Alice, and they too began to turn around, as if it was all a funny game, but Clarisse put a firm hand on their shoulders, and dug her fingernails in.

  Felix Spoon dragged his book bag over to Alice and pulled at her sleeve, which stopped her circling. “Alice, why are you turning around like that? Isn’t that your mother over there?”

  “I saw her,” said Alice, “But I seem to have lost my friend.”

  “You have a friend?” said Felix.

  Alice didn’t answer.

  “Come on,” he said. “Godsakes.” He took her hand and walked her across the street.

  Lil had slid down the tree trunk and was crouched with her arms around her knees. When the children approached her, she looked up, shading her eyes from the sun.

  “Mom, please don’t sit on the ground.”

  “Just resting here,” said Lil. “Can you help me up?”

  The children each took hold of an elbow, and with their help, Lil steadied herself on her feet.

  “My father’s over there, he’s good at this kind of thing,” said Felix, addressing Lil directly.

  “Maybe not such a good idea,” Lil half-heartedly protested, but Alice and Felix escorted Lil down the street to where Luke Spoon was standing. “Can we walk them home?” asked Felix. Alice took hold of her mother’s hand, and Felix took hold of his father’s. As they turned to leave, he grabbed hold of Alice’s hand, and the four of them made their way.

  Clarisse McCarthy felt the world go silent as Lil, Alice, Felix, and Luke Spoon walked away from the school amidst sunlight and shadows on the brilliant autumn afternoon. Red and yellow leaves blew like charms around them. They looked like a perfect family … like the Kennedys, like royalty, like love itself.

  Jim should be made aware of this. Clarisse flipped frantically through her options. Something must be done. This had to stop.

  And then, there they were, Sister Clotilde’s words, all the way from north of Boston, trampling across her brain like a band of tiny, mean nuns.

  You heartless bird. You heartless bird. You heartless bird.

  TWELVE

  THE UNLIKELY QUARTET walked in silence through the streets of Hanzloo.

  Luke Spoon could not relax. His eyes darted around as if the bushes were stuffed with accusations aimed at him and his son. It would make sense that in this town you could get arrested for walking down the street.

  It didn’t help that Lil O’Brien, a complete stranger until a few hours ago, was now physically attached to him through the chain of their children’s held hands.

  Sadness hung off of her like an oversized dress, and he couldn’t help but wonder what had gone so wrong with her. But he didn’t want to wonder too much. Two encounters with this woman in one day were two more than he needed.

  For Lil, the problem was more basic. Foot, foot, foot, foot. Keeping one in front of the other proved to be a formidable task. Her heart leapt in her chest. At the moments when she felt faint, she concentrated on the simple task of holding Alice’s hand, while sunlight and shadows once again played with her balance. Her mind zoomed around from one problem to the next: what the boy may have done to Alice, the encounters with Luke Spoon, Clarisse, and Stephanie. Her life seemed to have slid into a rushing river that she could not control. No thought was bearable. Feelings stirred, but they were hard to access. Just one thing was clear: Clarisse would come for Alice soon, probably tonight.

  At the mouth of Mundy Lane, Lil and Alice stopped and Felix tugged on his father’s sleeve, “This is where they live, Luke.”

  “Of course,” said Luke, and he faced Lil for the first time. Gone was the loose-tongued sloppiness of this morning’s visit. Her eyes, dull and tired, were the color of light green marbles, and, in spite of his resistance, he found himself moved by her all over again. It wasn’t attraction; it was recognition. Her disconnectedness was something he knew in himself. She was unreachable, and so, he thought, was he. As they stood in a cluster at the base of the lane, she fell to thoughts he couldn’t read. “Mrs. O’Brien, will you be all right?”

  “Yes,” she said, momentarily looking into his eyes. “Thank you for walking with us.”

  “Maybe someday they can
come over,” said Felix.

  “Yes, that would be nice.” Luke smiled stiffly at the boy.

  “Can you?” Felix asked Lil.

  “I have no idea,” said Lil, trailing off. She was thinking about how long the short walk up Mundy Lane might be. She reached for Alice’s hand.

  “Is something wrong with her?” Felix asked his father.

  Lil and Alice had already started up the street. Luke and Felix watched briefly, and then walked on toward the Post Road until Felix said, “Luke? Do you know where the cave of God is?”

  “What?” said Luke.

  “God’s cave,” said Felix. “Do you know where it is?”

  “No. Cripes, Felix, where do you come up with this stuff? There’s no such thing.”

  Sensing the unusual irritation in his father’s voice, Felix dropped it. It hadn’t occurred to him before that he might know about something that his father did not.

  THIRTEEN

  BECAUSE OF HIS recent habit of stopping off at Flapdogs for a martini or two after work, Jim O’Brien had gotten accustomed to making a beeline down the dark and narrow staircase that led to the basement as soon as he walked through his own front door. He’d come to think of the low-ceilinged, dank room that he shared with the washing machine, dryer, rakes, and shovels, as his own personal dungeon. A short nap helped him face the dreary trek back up the stairs to scrape together dinner, or scarf down what Lil had thrown on the table.

  But today, before he’d left work, he’d had a phone call from Clarisse McCarthy, and as a result he cut his drink with Kay Book short, fearing things on the home front might be more volatile this evening. Fueled by the drink and the article he’d read in the Reader’s Digest, he felt ready. No more Mr. Pansy.

  Sure enough, when he walked through the door, instead of sprawled on the couch asleep, he found his wife sitting on a chair with her hands folded in her lap.

  “Hello Jim, I need to speak to you,” Lil said. She was not in her frayed nightie.

  “Okay,” he said. “You got dressed, I see.”

  Ignoring that, Lil said, “Clarisse McCarthy was here today. She wants to take Alice and said she’s spoken with you, and that you think it’s a good idea. Is that true? You and Clarisse McCarthy are now deciding what’s best for Alice?” Lil’s hands were trembling slightly. She spoke without emotion, but that didn’t fool Jim.

  Jim pulled his tie loose and set down his briefcase. It was unfortunate that his eyes seemed perpetually stuck in an expression of slight surprise, as if to say, Who, me? He’d been relieved when Clarisse had contacted him again today, but now, face-to-face with his wife, this business of colluding with Clarisse made him uncomfortable, and he could see in Lil’s eyes that he’d hurt her.

  “What am I supposed to do?” he said.

  “We’re doomed,” said Lil, barely audible.

  “Come on, Lil, let’s not get all dramatic. The fact is that Clarisse says Alice has been molested by that weirdo boy. Don’t you care?”

  “I care, Jim. I care, I care. But it’s Clarisse who said it.” Lil was not up to a fight, and she paused to collect her thoughts. “We have to ask Alice. Will you sit here and talk to her with me?”

  “No!” said Jim. He always came back at Lil too hard, and immediately regretted his tone, feeling like a shit. Lately he had come to think she brought out the worst in him. “What I mean is it might be too embarrassing for her. It’s not something a father ought to do. It’s a mother’s job. You should do it privately.”

  “Have you been drinking?” asked Lil, surprised.

  Jim looked away.

  “I’m sorry,” said Lil. “Sorry for all of it.” She drew her hand across her eyes and pressed her temples with her thumb and forefinger.

  “You’re mentally ill, Lil.”

  “That’s a poem,” she said.

  “Oh, Christ. Look, I’m tired, and I don’t want to talk stupid with you. I’m glad you got yourself up and dressed. Welcome to reality. You’d better speak to Alice because Clarisse will be coming soon. And yes, I did talk to Clarisse, and I do think Alice should stay with her for a while. She’s responsible, Lil. She gets up in the morning. She bathes and feeds her children. And I bet she’s even glad to see her husband when he comes home at night.

  By the way, Clarisse called me at work and told me all about the little appearance you made at the schoolyard today. Really, what the hell? Now you’re walking hand in hand with the kid’s father?”

  Lil looked up. “That never happened.”

  “We’ve got an appointment with Dr. Garufee for tomorrow.”

  “What?”

  “Lil, I’m not a mean man, and I love you even if you’ve given up on me, or yourself, or whatever the hell it is with you. But Alice, good grief, Lil, she deserves a better mother.”

  And that was it. Jim went downstairs to the basement, stripped to his jockey shorts and socks, and took a moment to scratch at the scars on his dry, eczema-afflicted legs. He lay down on his cot, exhausted from having come as close as he could come to yelling at his wife.

  He’d always had the feeling that she surpassed him in every way. Beautiful Lil Carmichael, why she’d married him he’d never know. At the time he thought he’d hit the jackpot, but he should have realized then that a woman like that needs to fly.

  The Carmichael family was a big deal in their small hometown, outside of Cleveland; the older brothers divided up into lawyers and doctors, and the older sisters married well. Any of the Carmichael girls would have been a step up for Jim. They were all smart and gorgeous in the most unusual way. Lil was the quiet one, but just because she was quiet didn’t mean she wasn’t screaming inside, he knew that now.

  In her senior year, she’d won a regional poetry prize; a trip to New York City for a poetry reading, and she came back full of pipe dreams about moving there and being a writer. Jim thought the dreams would blow over. But now he suspected those dreams had driven a wedge between them. But when? And why? Who really wants to live in New York City?

  He courted her vigorously. He took her to the Cleveland Zoo; they had a favorite elephant, and an ape they named Samson, and they’d watch him swing from the bars of his cage. The zoo fascinated her. Sometimes she’d be moved to tears by the tigers, as they lay flat and limp on bare cement floors.

  It took every ounce of courage for Jim to put his arm around her for the first time, and then two years before he got the courage to kneel before her, at a bus stop, and ask for her hand in marriage. She threw her head back and laughed. “It could never happen,” she’d said. But it did, and they eloped because oops … along came Alice. They were happy for a while. He’d endured Lil’s mushy meatloaf and burnt pork chops with patient laughter, and the sex, which if he were honest, half the time felt like a game of Marco Polo, a blindfolded groping in the dark. Neither one of them had an inkling what to do in bed. But to his great relief, Lil seemed to accept Jim, eczema and all, even rubbing greasy ointment on his legs and back without complaint. They made a life together.

  When Alice came, Lil seemed overwhelmed by motherhood. The baby cried day and night, and Lil could not soothe her. Clearly, she loved her daughter, but she couldn’t ease what she perceived was the baby’s innate sorrow, and she blamed herself.

  “Babies don’t have sorrow,” Jim said. “They just cry. It’s no one’s fault.”

  “You don’t see what I see,” Lil said.

  Over the past few years, Lil’s sweetness had turned to a dull sadness. It started out with her sitting for long hours in the living room with the blinds drawn. There were little scraps of paper all over the house.

  “Those are my poems,” said Lil.

  Jim had no idea what that meant; one word here, another there.

  I’m a simple man, he thought, just trying to do the best I can. But nothing about him interested his wife. And now she had a screw loose. He supposed he’d let her down, but he couldn’t begin to figure out how. He flashed on the end of a movie he’d once seen; two s
hipwrecked people, hanging on to pieces of a broken boat, drifting apart in the vast ocean as the credits ran down the screen.

  But the worst of it was Alice. He couldn’t even allow him self to think of her. And lying on his bed, with his arm over his eyes, mercifully, he fell into a deep sleep.

  LIL WALKED down the hall to Alice’s bedroom and knocked lightly. Alice peeked out.

  “May I come in?” Lil hardly ever came to Alice’s room anymore, and when she entered, she was surprised to find that the bed was perfectly made. Alice’s worn stuffed monkey and a baby doll with no legs were neatly placed across the pillow. Not a sock or shoe was on the floor, all her things had been tucked away, except for her baseball mitt, which was on top of the dresser. Her small, wooden desk was neatly organized, a math book lay open, and a pencil was sideways on a sheet of lined paper beside it.

  “Am I in trouble?” asked Alice.

  “Trouble? No. I just … wanted to ask you about something.”

  Lil sat down on the bed, and then lay down. She picked up the legless doll and cradled it in her arms. “I can’t believe you still have her.”

  “Yeah, I do,” said Alice, and she stood beside the bed, her hair falling below her shoulders. Lil took Alice’s hands and lifted them to her lips. “You’re really something, do you know that? Where in the world did you get those eyes? I’ve only seen that color once before. In a painting of an old woman—”

  “An old woman cutting pears,” said Alice.

  “Yes! She had eyes like yours, the most amazing emerald green.”

  Alice wondered what her mother’s question was.

  “Oh, Alice.”

  “What is it Mom, what’s wrong?

  “That boy. That boy,” said Lil. “Tell me something, love … did you go to the school cafeteria with … you know, the one we walked home with today?” Alice pulled her hands away and looked down at the floor, where she’d left her zebra slippers tucked halfway under the bed.