Most of All You

by Mia Sheridan

  At the thought of the clients at the Platinum Pearl, anxiety streaked through my body. Sooner rather than later, I’d have to go there and get back to work. I wondered if Kayla was right, though … wondered if Rodney would let me bartend, not just for a little while, but as a job change. If I studied, I could learn how to mix drinks. Couldn’t I?

  Outside my door, the buzz of conversation could be heard. Today they weren’t laughing. Today their conversation sounded hushed and intimate. I pictured their heads bent close together as Chloe learned all the deepest secrets in Gabriel’s heart, those soulful eyes focused on her pretty face. I got up and turned on the bathroom fan, keeping the door open. I didn’t want to hear them. And yet … the envy I felt knowing Chloe was hearing all Gabriel’s most private thoughts rather than me caused an ache to settle in my chest.

  You could ask him, Ellie. If you were brave enough, you could ask him to share with you, too.

  But then he’d want you to share your secrets as well, a small voice whispered.

  A little before five, a knock sounded at my door, and I opened it to find Chloe there. Her smile was radiant. “Hi!”

  “Hi, Chloe.”

  “I don’t know if Gabriel mentioned that I was going to cook dinner here tonight?”

  “Yes, he did. It’s very nice of you.”

  She waved her hand in the air. “I’m happy to. I’d have taken them out, but I want you to be as comfortable as possible and so I thought a home-cooked meal would cover all the bases.”

  “You’re very kind—”

  “And I was hoping you’d keep me company? You don’t have to help if you don’t want to, but I’d love to get to know you a little better. I’ll get you set up on a chair if you can’t stand for long.”

  “Oh, um …” Me? Why would she want to get to know me?

  She looked at me so hopefully. “Please?”

  “Okay.”

  That exuberant grin spread over her face again. “Awesome.”

  I sat at the island on one of the stools as Chloe unpacked the bag of groceries on the counter that she must have brought with her when she arrived.

  Gabriel came in the kitchen and took us in, his eyes lingering on me for a moment before he turned to Chloe. “You sure you’re okay doing this? We could just order takeout.”

  “Gosh, no. I’m so happy you’re letting me cook for you. Honestly, Gabriel, after all you’re doing for me, a home-cooked meal is the very least I can do. Don’t deprive me of showing my gratitude. It wouldn’t be nice of you.” She shot him a teasing smile.

  He chuckled. “All right, then. Thank you.” He turned back to me. “You good?” His eyes were soft as he seemed to assess how I was sitting, where my leg was propped, his gaze like a warm ray of sunshine washing over me.

  “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “Okay. I’m going to do a little yard work while you two are in here. I’ve been neglecting this place, and the weeds are taking over.”

  “Six o’clock,” Chloe called as he left the kitchen.

  “I’ll be here,” he called back.

  Chloe turned her smiling face to me, halting in her work. “He’s really … God, he’s just extraordinary, isn’t he?”

  Extraordinary. Oh yes, he is that. I nodded. “He is,” I murmured.

  Chloe cocked her head, studying me. “I have to admit, when I first talked to him on the phone, I couldn’t help wondering if he was single.” Oh. There was a small, strange, sinking feeling inside me. “But now, seeing the way he looks at you …”

  My eyes snapped to hers. “Oh, no. He’s just … we’re only friends, I mean.”

  If we see each other naked again …

  A warm blush moved up my neck at the memory of the words. Chloe shook her head, a smile tipping her lips. “Oh no, Ellie. The way he looks at you is many things, but friendly is not one of them. He has feelings for you. And if that man has feelings for you, you must be someone very special.”

  Just as quickly as joy had run down my spine at her declaration that Gabriel had feelings for me, so now did insecurity and a sense of defeat. I laughed, a humorless sound. “I’m no one special, I can assure you of that.”

  Chloe turned, setting a handful of vegetables that she had just gathered from the refrigerator onto the counter. A look of alarm came over her face, and she took my hands in hers across the island, startling me. “Oh, Ellie, I barely know you and I can already tell that’s not true.” She grinned and squeezed my hands before letting go. I couldn’t help the affection that flushed my cheeks at her compliment. Girls had never been kind to me, and I felt strangely shy. She was everything I wasn’t; she was friendly and open, quick to smile and easy to laugh. Pure. Sweet.

  “So what do you do?”

  Here we go. I watched as Chloe searched for something in a few cabinets, pulling out a cutting board and placing it on the counter. “I’m a stripper.” I stilled as I waited for her reaction.

  She halted what she was doing, her eyes widening slightly. “Are you really? God, I’ve always had this secret fantasy about trying that. It must be liberating to feel so free with your body.” She grabbed an onion and started chopping it.

  I frowned. “Um, no, actually. I’ve never thought of it that way. I don’t enjoy it. I just sort of … fell into it, I guess.” I sighed. “I won’t say it wasn’t a choice because we all make choices, right?”

  Chloe glanced up at me, pausing only momentarily in her chopping. “I suppose, but ‘choice’ is such a loaded word, isn’t it?”

  I turned that over, putting it away to think about later. “I suppose.”

  “Anyway, if you didn’t like stripping, maybe your accident will be one of those things that you look back on later as the catalyst that changed things for the better. You know, the thing that motivated you to take a different path.”

  You’re going the wrong way. You must turn back, sweetness.

  I stared at her, thinking about how confident she sounded, how neat and tidy her conclusions were. If you’re not happy, just make a change. No problem. Easy peasy. Those were the conclusions of someone who had never really struggled, didn’t know that it wasn’t only fists that broke you and beat you bloody—no, life itself could do that just as easily, maybe more so. She didn’t understand the soul-deep agony of loss, of being left behind, terrorized, cast out, taken advantage of. She didn’t realize that your heart could hurt so badly you just wanted to curl up inside yourself and never come out again. And yet I couldn’t resent her for that. I envied her for it.

  “It wasn’t exactly an accident. Three men assaulted me.”

  The knife Chloe was using clattered to the granite counter. “Oh, Ellie! That’s absolutely awful. Were they arrested?”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  She looked relieved. “Oh thank goodness.” Still she shook her head, a look of compassionate distress on her face. “God, you’ve had it rough. I’m so sorry.”

  She picked up the knife and held it out, wielding it as if she intended to use it as a weapon. “I’d like to be left alone in a room with this knife and the so-called men who would attack a woman. I’d carve them up.” She swiped the knife through the air, and I felt a momentary twinge of shock before a laugh erupted from my throat. It was so strange to see this sweet, innocent-looking girl wielding a chef’s knife as if she were a pretty version of Zorro.

  She stopped, the fierce look dissolving into a grin as she laughed with me. I bent forward, gasping for air, my ribs hurting with the hilarity moving through me. “Ouch.” I laughed again.

  After a few minutes we collected ourselves, and Chloe went back to chopping, a few stray chuckles still bursting forth here and there.

  “Is there another cutting board under there?”

  “Yes, hold on.” Chloe grabbed another cutting board, a knife, and a basket of mushrooms and put them in front of me, and I began slicing.

  “So, Gabriel said your paper’s about kids who were abducted and then came home?” I asked after a minute.


  “Yes, specifically, it’s about the long-term psychological effects.” She tilted her head. “The majority of my research has been done using case studies, so I was really lucky that Gabriel agreed to be interviewed.” She shook her head, laying her knife down, and took the chopped onion in her hands and threw it in the large skillet on the stovetop. She turned back, grabbing a paper towel and wiping her hands. “I have to say, I expected someone … different. Not so well adjusted, so …”

  “Solid,” I supplied.

  Her eyes met mine and she smiled. “Yes. Solid. That’s a good word to describe him. There’s something so amazingly strong about him. Remarkable, really.” We worked in silence for a minute. “I’m fascinated by the reasons one person breaks while another who’s experienced a similar trauma survives and thrives. The mind is such a fascinating thing—and there are always so many variables. I could discuss psychology all day long.”

  “So you want to be a psychologist when you graduate?”

  She laughed. “You’re probably thinking the same thing my dad says. How will this girl stay quiet long enough to actually listen to anyone talk about their problems?” She grinned as I shook my head.

  “No, I wasn’t thinking that.”

  She laughed again. “You wouldn’t be wrong if you were. I like to chat. But I actually do love to listen, too.” She gave me a kind smile. “So if you ever need a listening ear, I’m available, and would love it if you considered me a friend.”

  I smiled, continuing the chopping. We chatted easily as Chloe cooked and I took on the few prep errands I could do while seated.

  Gabriel had come into the house a little earlier and gone to his room. He entered the kitchen just as Chloe was on her tiptoes reaching for a platter to use for the chicken marsala, which smelled heavenly. Gabriel had obviously just showered—his hair was still slightly wet, and he had changed clothes. He stepped up to Chloe and grabbed the platter easily, smiling as he handed it to her. She gazed up at him with adoration as she laughed softly. “Thanks.”

  Gabriel looked at me. “You okay?”

  I nodded, and when I looked at Chloe she was watching us, a smile on her face.

  Gabriel brought the dishes into the dining area, and I laid them out at five places as Chloe finished the dinner preparations. As I was placing the utensils on napkins, the front door opened and Dominic came in, greeting us shortly and saying he was going to go to his room to change. He shot me one last cold stare before turning away. The small happy bubble I’d been in decreased in size, and for a moment I wanted nothing more than to return to my room and stay there for the rest of the night. But I took a deep breath, not willing to ruin the dinner Chloe had worked so hard to prepare, and continued setting the table, limping from place setting to place setting.

  The doorbell rang and Gabriel opened the door to George, who came in with a warm greeting and a smile.

  We all sat down to eat, and for the first ten minutes of the meal, everyone chatted and complimented Chloe on the delicious food. It was the first family meal I’d ever experienced, and even though I knew I wasn’t welcome by Dominic, I soaked in the experience, watching as everyone laughed and enjoyed each other. I stole a glance at Gabriel sitting next to me. He was relaxed in his chair, one arm slung casually over the back of mine, participating easily in the conversation, and when he caught my eye and smiled, I blushed and looked away, feeling as if I’d been caught doing something I shouldn’t do.

  He has feelings for you. And if that man has feelings for you, you must be someone very special … I’d wondered why he was caring for me, why he might like me. Could I accept that maybe he just did? Could it be that simple? Did he see things in me I didn’t even know were there? Things that made me good and lovable?

  You’re such a good, smart girl, Ellie. You don’t forget that, okay? No matter what, you don’t forget that.

  The possibility surprised me, beckoned to me, opened up a well of hope within that caused a fluttering, something I’d thought long dead and buried coming to life. It felt as if a lure were dangling before me, something shiny and beautiful, and all I had to do was reach out and grab it.

  The conversation droned on around me, the sound of Chloe’s light laughter ringing in small bursts. I followed some of it, what they were saying, but mostly I just watched as they interacted, the casual ease with which they all related.

  I watched both George and Dominic smile at Chloe, captivated by her charm, and wondered what it’d feel like to be so happy-go-lucky all the time, wondered what it’d feel like to laugh so effortlessly. How good would it feel to be looked at the way the men at the table were looking at Chloe? With smiles and warm gazes. I smiled at her cheerful radiance, too, laughing softly at a story she was telling about a professor she had.

  Under the table, I felt Gabriel’s hand as he laced his fingers through mine, his touch gentle and solid just like him, and goose bumps broke out on my arm. Oh, my heart seemed to sigh. Our hands linked together in a way that made me feel we’d been created together, that every part of his body might contain a place just for me, a place I’d fit like no other. As if we’d been sculpted with the other in mind. Silly idea. Fantastical even. Not me at all. And yet I wouldn’t dismiss it because the thought itself felt too good. I was flushed with happiness, and a sense of sudden belonging washed through me, dancing in my veins. When was the last time I’d felt as if I belonged anywhere? Long ago … so very long ago.

  I looked over at Gabriel, and he was watching me, his eyes soft and his lips tipped up in a sweet smile.

  “How’s your leg, Ellie?”

  Hearing my name snapped me from my thoughts, and I blinked as I moved my gaze from Gabriel to Dominic, who’d asked the question. He tilted his beer back and took a long swallow. Two empty beer bottles were on the table next to the one he set down. I noticed a shine to his eyes, a slight drag to his words. I knew that look. He was drunk, or if not drunk, getting there.

  “Better,” I said warily. Something mean came into his eyes. I recognized it, had seen it all my life, knew it like the feel of the stripper pole sliding between my hands—familiar yet unwanted. I braced myself for the cruelty I’d come to expect from men like him.

  He nodded slowly. “Good. Can’t lap dance on only one good leg. Or can you? Maybe some men enjoy that kind of thing. You’d know.”

  My lungs felt suddenly constricted, and I looked down at my plate, my appetite gone. Around me the conversation died.

  “Dominic,” Gabriel said. A warning.

  “What?” Dominic asked, taking another swallow of beer. “She is a stripper, right? I’m sorry, was it a secret? I was only inquiring about her ability to do her job. She’ll have to go back to work at some point, right?”

  “Dominic, that’s enough. You’re being inappropriate and you know it,” George said.

  I knew George was defending me out of kindness, but it embarrassed me, made it more obvious what Dominic was doing. Made me feel as if I should be humiliated by his words. Whereas moments ago I’d felt as if I belonged, now I felt separate, apart, my shameful differences highlighted for everyone to discuss. “Really, it’s okay, George,” I said softly, my gaze not leaving Dominic. “Dominic’s right. I can’t dance with only one good leg.”

  I let go of Gabriel’s hand, linking my own under the table. Chloe had paused, and when I glanced at her briefly, I noticed her eyes move between all of us. Dismay flickered in her expression, before her lips set in a thin line.

  Dominic held his hands up. “Sorry, didn’t mean any offense. Forgive me, Ellie, if I embarrassed you.”

  Our eyes held for another fraction of a second before I looked away, but not before I’d seen the gleam of victory in his eyes. He wasn’t sorry. He’d succeeded in what he’d set out to do: make me realize how much I didn’t belong here, not in this house and not with Gabriel. I felt absurd and clownish as if he’d read the secret thoughts in my head, knew the hopeful wanderings of my mind, and made it clear how stupid I wa
s to let myself even entertain such things. I’d let down my guard and he’d taken advantage. Why should it be surprising? Only it was because here I felt … safe. Less alone.

  “I hope everyone saved room for dessert,” Chloe said in that breezy singsong way she had, obviously trying to change the subject and the sudden uncomfortable mood. “Ellie and I made something special.”

  “I didn’t realize you had so many talents, Ellie,” Dominic said. His smile was immediate, and he posed the remark as if he was trying to make up for embarrassing me a few minutes ago with a compliment. But I sensed the mockery underneath his words as if he knew very well I had no talents and was attempting again to remind me and to ensure everyone in the room saw me just as he did. I shot him a fake half smile, shifting in my seat.

  Chloe brought out the brownie sundaes we’d made, and there were compliments all around as everyone ate them. I’d lost my appetite and just wanted dinner to be over, so the second I could, I rose, gathering a few dirty cloth napkins and some napkin rings.

  “Ellie, you sit down. You’re not doing any work,” Chloe said.

  “I can manage a few things,” I said, picking up my crutches and moving toward the kitchen, not wanting to feel physically incompetent on top of the hollowness Dominic’s comments evoked in me. Even if my “help” was pitifully minor.

  Gabriel stood. “You women cooked. We men will clean.”

  “I can’t argue with that.” Chloe laughed. “Ellie, let’s go hang out in the living room.”

  Gabriel took the things I was holding out of my hands, trying to catch my eye. I looked away, smiling at Chloe. “Okay, let me just use the bathroom and I’ll meet you in there.”

  I turned, just needing a few minutes to myself, needing to rally my mood.

  “Ellie—” Gabriel said, but I pretended I didn’t hear him, turning in the other direction.

  I went to my room and sat down on the bed, taking a deep breath. Why did I feel this way? Only because I had entertained thoughts of … belonging and was brought back down to earth. But that was good. Letting my thoughts wander there had been dangerous. Really, Dominic had done me a favor with the reminder. After a few minutes I headed back out to the living room.