by J. M. Madden
She had a stack of brochures from some technical schools on the peninsula in Silicon Valley and San Francisco. That was more to her liking rather than being stuck in Santa Rosa. She was in the process of applying to them when she found out about Zak.
Were they just too young to get together? Was that the problem? God, how she wished she had something like a fantastic new job or some huge opportunity. But she had nothing except a healthy sex drive and a whole lot of history working that angle. Her reputation was legendary. For the first time in her life, she regretted not taking advantage of other choices some of her friends had made. She was being left behind.
She decided perhaps what she needed was just one more goodbye, and then she’d be done with Zak. Done with Sonoma County. She’d follow where her heart took her, move out of the house and start her new adventure. All she needed was a nice sendoff, and she knew Zak could do that. No strings. Just like the old days. Just a night of sex. And then forget about it until maybe some little high school reunion he probably wouldn’t attend. He’d stand there, look at her, and she’d realize—whatever. All this stuff was foolish. She needed to get away from her father’s circle of protection and out into the real world.
When she looked back at her life, there were lots of exciting days. But being with Zak made her feel like a woman. Had made her feel like a woman from the first time she’d kissed him. It was something she’d never allowed herself to admit until today.
So, this time, she’d just walk right into his arms with intention, and make the most of her last, carefree fling.
And then she’d grow up.
FIVE
Zak’s father was waiting at the kitchen table as his mother worked over the stove. He halfway expected his dad to come yelling out the front door, punching and fisting him, making a scene for all the neighbors. But the man he saw sitting there before him was calm, with murderous red eyes. Zak was more scared of him today than he ever had been.
He sat down and his mom handed him a beer, which he waved away. He noted his dad was drinking water.
“I’ll take some ice water, Mom.”
“So I got a call from my insurance agent this morning. That’s when I heard you wrecked the Camaro. You wanna tell me, son, what you were fuckin’ thinking borrowing a car I didn’t even want to drive around last night?”
“I’m sorry, Pop. It was stupid. I should have asked you first. I wasn’t gonna drink—”
“Drinkin’s got nothing to do with it, Zak. I chose not to drive the car, because I was going to go out with friends. Some friends make you stupid. Especially your lowlife friends.”
Zak bristled. His dad’s assortment of friends weren’t even allowed in his mother’s house. Zak had known Roger and Stan for nearly ten years. But they still weren’t saints.
“I’m going to pay you back, Dad. Every penny. I don’t care how long it takes.”
“That’s not the point! The car was never yours to borrow.” His father stood, his face bright red, and his ruby-colored eyes looked like they were about to burst. Veins at the sides of his neck pumped venom. Zak was concerned he’d have a heart attack. Even his mother came over and stood between him and his father.
“Jack. Stop it right now. This won’t bring the car back, and you could do some serious damage to your health. Sit down. We need to talk about this.”
His father piled his arms up over his head, sucked in air and screamed. “Goddammit, Zak. Why? How could you be so stupid?” When he lowered his arms, Zak could see he’d been crying.
Zak jumped up and hugged his father. The car had meant more to him than anything else he owned. How he wished he could bring back the last twenty-four hours and have a do-over. “By everything inside me, I’ll get you another car. I’ll help fix it up with you again, Dad. I’ll pay you back every penny for all the parts, all the work done to it.”
“You don’t have that kind of money, son, and you never will.” His father’s arms pushed him away, shoulders lowered, face resigned. Zak’s heart broke for the man.
“I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll pay you back. That’s a promise.” He said from the space between them.
His mother added, “Jack, at least Zak wasn’t hurt, or we’d be sitting by a hospital bed. Don’t forget that. The girl is okay as well. And from what I understand, this had nothing to do with drinking, either.” Her stern gaze to her husband’s eyes told him she meant business. “We have to keep things in perspective. Zak goes off to the Navy. We find out what happens with the insurance. We just hope they don’t come back and find him at fault or charged with anything. That would restrict him from joining his SEAL training, right?”
Jack Chambers was still red. He listened, nodded his head. “I have to get away from here, or I’ll say things to both of you I’ll regret.” His lined face looked painfully up to Zak. “This is way more beyond insurance, or the fuckin’ money. It has to do with trust. I can’t trust you anymore, Zak. I don’t think I ever could!” His father turned on his heel and left the house.
His mother waited until her husband started the motor to their Toyota and sped down the street.
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I wish I’d thought about all this last night. I just didn’t use my head. I’m going to work very hard to make sure those days are gone forever. Forever, Mom. I want to be the kind of son you can depend on.”
“You already are. You have your whole life ahead of you. Jack will learn to get over it in time. I guess helping him is my job now. You go be with your friends, say your final goodbyes, and then you get out of this town and don’t look back.”
STAN AND ROGER met him at the brewpub. First thing he asked Roger was how his sister was. Zak ordered mineral water.
“Ginger’s fine. She didn’t even want to go to the hospital. But they thought she’d had a concussion. I guess she just got the wind knocked out of her, and yeah, she was pretty scared.”
“I tried to leave her a message,” said Zak.
“Yeah, she got it. She’s going home tomorrow. Taking it easy at my folks today before she flies home. She’s not mad. My mom is, though.”
“I’ll bet.”
“Zak, it could have happened to anyone.” Stan’s upbeat voice didn’t cheer Zak.
Zak thought about it for a minute. “I kissed her, Roger. Took my eyes off the road for one second, and that’s when the truck hit her side. I’m so sorry, man.”
“Yeah. She told me. Nice to hear it from you, though.” Roger wasn’t smiling.
“God, I’ve really fucked up, guys. I’ve got to change my ways. This is a wake-up call.”
“We feel kind of responsible for inviting you up for the party. Some send-off this is. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you’d done something to mess up your Navy gig, Zak,” said Stan. “You were talking last night about Joel, and how you wanted to go do something like he did, be a hero, make something of your life, and look what happened. It would kill me if you messed up that chance.”
“I think I’m more determined than before,” said Zak.
“You know Joel very well?” Roger asked.
“Not since we were teens. Helluva soccer player. I don’t know, he was a born leader. It’s like we’d be down, he’d stand up straight, look into the sunlight almost, he’d say something inspirational and the guys on our team would just come together. We’d win against teams we had no right to win against. Never seen anyone like that before, or since.”
“He liked you, too, I think,” said Stan.
“Yeah, he did. Tried to keep up with him through high school, though he was a year ahead of me. After he joined the Navy, I never heard from him again. Wish I had.”
“He had a big influence on you. Never realized that until last night, the way you talked about him,” said Roger.
“He’s the reason I joined. No this, this thing I’m doing. It’s exactly the right thing for me. I’m ready for this. I may not make it, but I could be a Navy guy. I just wanted to test my limits, you know, see ho
w far I could go.”
“You’ve got a lot more balls than I do. Gotta respect you for trying, Zak,” said Roger.
“So you going back tomorrow?” Stan asked.
“Wish I could take off right now. But no, I think I gotta say goodbye to my folks one last time, maybe say goodbye to Ginger?” Zak looked up at Roger who looked like he’d chewed a sour lemon.
“Whoa! I wouldn’t do that. She’s fine. Besides, you can always look her up in San Diego later. She’s okay. I’ll give her your goodbye wishes. Just stay away from my folks.”
Zak agreed. He stood. “Look, I’m going to head back home. Been a long couple of days, and I want to be rested for the drive back. Thanks, guys, for everything. Maybe the next celebration will be under better circumstances.”
Zak took a last look at 4th Street, a street his father had driven up and down on Friday and Saturday nights in muscle cars back in the days when they’d go “tooling 4th” as they called it. He smiled when he thought about how happy his father must have been during those days. The way he talked about it made Zak feel like he was right there beside him the whole way. The destruction of the Camaro was more than about the car. He’d managed to eliminate the thin threads his father had to a cherished life now lost forever. He’d hold the heaviness, feel the weight of his guilt all throughout his training and maybe, just maybe, the hard physical work would pound it out of him. Maybe.
He heard a noise behind him. Turning, he saw Amy Dobson.
“Hello, Zak.”
“Amy—I’m not in the mood—”
“Come on, Zak, it’s been, what—nearly three years since we last spoke?”
“We spoke this afternoon, Amy.”
“I mean, since we really talked. Can’t you give me just five minutes of your time?” She held her fingers out, measuring, showing him how small five minutes would look, as if it was something she could hold. Her charm bracelet jingled and glinted in the night air. He’d made a lot of good decisions this afternoon and realizations about his future. He wasn’t going to drink, he was going to go to bed early. He was going to head back to face his future and the biggest challenge he’d ever faced.
“Five minutes, Amy,” he said as he held up his splayed fingers. Walking to his truck, he unlocked the passenger door, let Amy climb up inside, then walked around the front and sat behind the wheel. Night dew had formed droplets of water on the windshield, blurring car lights as they passed by.
Her scent came to him like it always did, at first itching his nose, then enveloping him in a familiar aura he’d lost himself in so many times over the years. The elixir of her just sitting beside him made his heart beat faster. His head cleared, pushing away the cobwebs of all the hurt and guilt he’d been feeling. A lightness came upon him. Was this how it was when a person was addicted to drugs? Did the anticipation of something that would take his mind off his problems give the addict a bit of clarity before the plunge downward?
And would this be a plunge downward? Was this good for him or bad for him? This was no celebration. The whole trip had become something entirely different than a celebration. It was like a tearing away of something, cutting the cord of something, eliminating his road back. Somehow, he knew that the man who would return after his BUD/S experience wouldn’t be the same one he started the training with.
He dared a glance over to her. She slowly turned her eyes up to his. He could see the need in her face and her recognition that he’d also missed their times together. But, she didn’t move, and neither did he.
“You once asked me why we never talked,” she said carefully. Her eyes twinkled, and she moistened her lips. “Maybe it’s about time we did. Just talk.”
Zak saw she was trying to hide the smile forming on her left side, in spite of her efforts. That little twitch of her mouth spoke volumes.
“Is that what you want, Amy?”
“I wanted you to know that I’m proud of you, Zak. And I want to be here for you when you come home.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’ll wait for you.”
“You? You never waited for anything in your life, Amy. I can’t ask you to do that.”
“I know you can’t make any commitments, but I’ve changed. And what hasn’t changed, I want to. I want to become the girl you come home to.”
“No, that’s not how it works. I can’t offer you anything. Anything at all, Amy. I may never come back here. If I wash out of BUD/S, I might get sent off to the fleet and be gone for a year. I can’t have you holding onto me. I just don’t need that. It feels dishonest. I don’t want to do that anymore. Do you understand?”
“Then trust me to wait for you? Trust me?”
Zak placed his palm against her cheek. One tear streamed down her face. “No, Amy. I can’t ask that of you. I don’t know where my head will be. I just have to focus on what’s ahead. Please don’t change anything for me. I’m not worth it. Really, I’m not.” He could see it had finally sunk in. “Amy, we’re going in two separate directions. We have two separate paths to follow.”
She removed his hand from her face and held it in her lap. “Okay, Zak. Then let’s just say goodbye nicely. Just one more time together and then we both go our separate ways. No strings. No agreements or commitments. Let’s just part friends, good friends with a past we enjoyed together, okay? Can you do that?”
He did trust her, and it overrode his better judgment. Touching Amy had been a huge mistake. Now as her forefinger traced up and down his palm to his wrist and back again, the back of his hand against the fabric of her dress, feeling her thigh underneath, he could feel his resolve melting. He’d done so many things without thinking, it was new to be thinking carefully about whether or not to be with Amy one last time. She wanted it, he knew that. But damn, he wanted it too. Could he justify it as a way to say goodbye? Was it taking something from her to have a pleasurable encounter and then part? Was there dishonor in this, or was it a natural cycle, a final farewell to their relationship?
He smiled and cocked his head. “I think we’ve said more words tonight than we ever have had in the past.”
She matched his grin. “I guess maybe we’re growing up, Zak. I’m ready for a good old-fashioned grownup good-bye. How about you?”
“I think I can do that.” He leaned over and kissed her. Amy let him lead and when she didn’t pull him to her he wasn’t sure at first if she really wanted him or not. But as her lips parted and she accepted him, as their kiss deepened, he could feel her fire burning, waiting to envelop both of them.
Her fingertips touched his face as they parted. Her brown eyes were honest, as tears continued to roll down her cheeks. “Thank you.” She brushed back her cheeks and sighed. “You know where I’d like to go?”
“I think I do.” Zak smiled back at her, turning to start the truck.
“You have a—” Amy looked over the seat to the small king cab seat behind them and found the familiar quilt folded there. “You still have it,” she said as her face lit up.
Zak shrugged his shoulders, bringing his arm around her shoulders. “Part of my truck, I guess.” Looking down the road he realized for the first time since he’d been home, he was relaxed and actually looking forward to the next few minutes with her.
SIX
Oak trees arched overhead just like they always did, but Amy saw in their shadows a greeting, as if they were welcoming her home. She’d been to the golf course many times during the daytime over the past couple of years, even recently, but this was their favorite spot. She loved the smell of the fresh cut lawn, the sound of the night birds, how the stars twinkled so brightly, away from nearby harsh lighting.
Zak even parked in the spot he always parked before, at the end of the first row, turning off the motor. Headlights illuminated the course in the distance, rising and falling in swales and hills dancing in the shadows.
“You sure about this?” he asked her.
Amy knew the answer, squeezing his hand. “Yes. Completely.” But
she still felt a little scared even though her heart was beating with anticipation.
For the first time ever, she wanted him to know how much she’d missed him. What if it felt different? What if that luxurious chemistry they had was gone? What if they didn’t have that spark, that feedburner of passion usually enveloping them? Would it still be okay?
He led her out from his side of the truck. They walked hand in hand, his left arm cradling the comforter. Frogs from the numerous creeks nearby abruptly stopped as they walked closer to their hiding places. She heard an owl overhead.
“Sure hope the sprinklers are turned off,” Zak chuckled in reference to one of the times they’d been sprayed with water in the middle of having sex. She’d forgotten about that time, and it brought a smile to her face.
Zak lay the blanket down and sat. Amy took up her place next to him.
“This is the last thing in the world I thought I’d be doing tonight,” Zak said.
“It’s like, well,” Amy hesitated, but continued, “I’ve thought about what it would be like to be with you one more time. I’ve thought so much about it, I kind of don’t know how to act.”
“Come here.”
His kiss put her right back where she belonged. He smelled like the man she knew growing up. The feel of his cheek against hers, the taste on his lips was all what she’d remembered, dreamt about.
His hand slipped up under the hem of her dress as he stroked her backside. Amy leaned into him as he lay back, allowing her to ride his thigh. His fingers snagged her panties and slipped them down one side while she helped with the other, pushing herself against the length of his upper leg when she was free of her undergarment. She unbuttoned his jeans, and her fingers found him just as she always had. Squeezing his package she helped him ease his pants down over his hips with her other hand. He pushed her back against the blanket, hiking up her dress.
He dug into his pockets, fumbling a little and produced a foil packet. She took it from him, opened it and sheathed it over him. “I always loved this part,” she whispered to him.