by J. M. Madden
“Are we sure what we’re doing here?” he asked.
“Ask me if I’m ever sure about anything, Zak. Are you?”
She felt and tasted some nervousness from him as they kissed. Before long, the heat came up between them and she was gasping for air. She noticed his breathing had shortened. His hands were smoothing over her breasts, her shoulders, her back and up the long ridge of her thigh.
He pressed himself against her opening and waited. Bending down to kiss her again, he said, “Amy, you know this is goodbye, right? I just want to be sure you are okay with us this way.”
She smiled as he pressed, beginning to breach her opening, agreeing with him. “Why, what were you thinking?” She raised her knee, allowing him to slide inside. Looking into each other’s eyes, he entered her fully to the hilt. His thumbs smoothed over her cheeks. He dipped his head down as their lips barely touched for a couple of tender, soft nibbles. She grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him down and deepening his kiss. She arched, first to accept him fully and then releasing as their familiar rhythm began to pulse. His hot breath in her ear, the kisses he covered her neck with, the way he lifted her buttocks up and hiked her knees above him urgently telling her of his need ignited the fire in her soul.
He let out a small groan as his breath hitched. She pressed her chest against his, feeling the strength of his heart beating against hers, loving the feel that her arms could not fully encircle him. Her hands moved up and down the bulging muscles of his back. She held his hips as he undulated into her, pressing himself up and deep inside her.
Her natural instincts were to be urgent with him, but she let the rhythm build between them, long and slow, each coming together and parting approaching that oneness they used to feel as they made love. She never wanted it to end.
Already her body was spasming to his penetration, her muscles milking him. The familiar tingling sensation began spreading all over her body. Her spine became warm and liquid. Her knees hugged his sides as her legs crossed over his back. His rough kiss matched the urgent cry coming from deep inside his chest as he stilled, arched and she felt the familiar pulsing of his buried cock.
“Oh, Zak. Not yet.”
“I can’t help it, Amy. Ah! So sorry.”
She found herself laughing lightly, snuggling with him as he kissed her chest, laughing too. “Oh, I remember this. I remember how wonderful I felt afterwards,” she whispered to the stars.
“I do too. I remember it all. It comes back to me in dreams all the time.”
“Really?” She looked at him askance. She felt him lurch and then sharply inhale. She lowered one leg to the side, but kept the other one crossing his rear.
“Well, not every time, but a lot of times. Those were good days, Amy. Crazy, but good days. I spent a lot of time being angry at you.”
“I remember. I liked making you jealous.”
“But I couldn’t stay away.”
“Yeah. And I was glad. I didn’t want you to.” She remembered how intensely she had felt. “You scared me. How I felt about you scared me. Like it was way too soon.”
“It was too soon. Hell, we were just kids.” His thumbs caressed her cheeks again. He kissed her tenderly. “Amy, you know what I mean about it being too soon?”
“Correct,” she said as she pinched his nose. “Playing grownups, but not having a clue what it was all about.”
She inhaled, as something hurt inside her heart. She turned her head to the right to distract herself, watching the smooth green of the course round the top of a small hill, the blades of grass shining in the moonlight. She knew she was on borrowed time.
“You okay?”
“Of course, never better.” She giggled, hoping it would cheer her up more than it did.
“What’s so funny?”
“I was just thinking that whenever I see a golf course, I think of these times we had. I think of you.”
“Obviously you haven’t taken it up.”
“Never. I’d bust a gut. Honest. I couldn’t do it.”
Zak rolled to his back, hiking up his jeans and stared up to the stars. His hands were threaded across his chest. She folded her dress against her thigh and assumed the same position. It was a nice feeling having his warm body along the length of hers. There was something clean and honest about the way she felt, unlike before.
She could tell he’d fallen asleep so she turned carefully and watched him for a few minutes before he opened his eyes again. She wondered what he was thinking and dreaming of, if she was part of that vision.
“Sleep. I won’t be getting much of it very soon now.”
“Part of the training?”
“After the initial few weeks, we have Hell Week. We get like forty-five minutes sleep in five, six days.”
“I know you’ll make it, Zak.”
“Less than ten percent chance. I doubled up on my PT before coming up here, but I’ve missed a couple of days.”
“I believe in you, Zak. I always have.”
“Thanks. I’m ready. Ready to start my life.”
The comment shouldn’t have hurt her, but it did. He was ready to start his life, and she wasn’t really a part of it. But an agreement was an agreement, and they’d decided it would be no strings, no long goodbyes. Just a send-off.
The comforter was getting damp in the night air and despite her trying not to, she shivered. Zak immediately leapt to action, pulling one corner over her shoulder, holding it down with his long arm. She felt comfortable leaning against him, listening to the sounds of his breathing. She never wanted the moment to be over, but after several minutes she felt Zak stiffen. He uncrossed and stretched his long legs, squeezed her shoulder and said, “You ready?”
Was she ready? Hell no. But it was what she’d agreed. She’d done all the begging she would do. He was going to go off and challenge himself to do something no human had a right to think they could do. That meant that despite how she felt, she’d be strong, show him her strong side. But inside she wanted to beg him to never leave her side.
She knew the only possibility she’d get him back was if she looked like she was strong enough to let him go.
SEVEN
Zak’s focus abruptly shifted the first time he hit the cold water during the early phases of the BUD/S training. His swim time was good, but his running time sucked, landing him in the bottom third of the class during several initial runs. He deemed this to be unacceptable.
At night, all he could do was take a quick shower, stretch out a bit and then hit the sack. He tried not to be noticed by the instructors. Tried not to even make eye contact with others, since that one could be gone the next morning. As he looked over the class of recruits, which had dwindled down to less than half, he couldn’t tell anymore who would make it and who wouldn’t. He didn’t even know if he’d make it or not. The only thing he thought about was not quitting.
A friend of his had to be medically rolled due to shin splints. Another recruit shattered his shoulder when one of the telephone poles came down on him. He was forced to DOR and not allowed to return with that type of injury. The helmets lined up as the colors changed through all the phases of the training.
He’d developed a swim buddy who helped his times as they swam drag for each other and then one day, Dan just wasn’t there anymore. Only thing left was his red helmet with their class number on it in white and Dan’s last name: Snyder.
After BUD/S, he relaxed. The instructors still gave him trash talk, but they looked at the recruits differently. He didn’t know what exactly they were looking for, so Zak decided it wasn’t any of his business, he’d just stay quiet and do his job. It pissed him off when he saw a foreign trainee receive special favors from the instructors. He caught himself harboring malicious thoughts, reeling them in after hearing some of the other guys complaining too. He couldn’t afford to be indignant. This wasn’t the time for that.
Eventually his aloof attitude got noticed, and for the first time he felt they were looking to
pick a scab. A couple of the other recruits started referring to him as the Gentleman Frog, as if he was from a privileged background.
“You got a problem hanging with the rest of us in the slime pool?” One of the recruits asked him one day. Several of the instructors looked up.
Zak had left a space between himself and the African American recruit for Charlie, who normally took that spot. He was being watched by the instructor table.
“Thought Charlie was gonna sit there. Just leaving his spot.”
Recruit Carter smiled, showing a gold tooth in the front. “You see Charlie anywhere?” He motioned with his fork.
Zak scanned the room and didn’t see the frizzy-haired kid he thought looked like a weasel. He shook his head.
Carter stared at the seat next to him like it had a blood stain on the bench and then back up to Zak.
Zak decided to make his comment loud enough for the instructors to hear too. “Carter, you want to cuddle, I’ll cuddle with you for a bit, keep your ass warm, but that’s as far as it goes,” Several recruits began laughing. Carter had a piece of bread thrown at him, and the tension was broken.
Carter became one of his circle of close friends.
“I like you, white boy. You don’t stick your nose where it don’t belong,” Carter said. “You got a past?”
“Doesn’t everybody?” Zak answered.
“Oh, that they do. I’m actually lucky to be here.” Carter looked out over the inlet as they sat in the sand, eating ice cream.
“Me too,” Zak admitted.
“You got trouble with The Man back home?”
“Who? You mean my dad?”
“Fuck no. The Law. You have trouble with the law?”
Zak smiled and licked his ice cream.
“Oh yeah, that. That memory. I wanna know about that,” Carter barked, punching him in the arm.
“Just the Chief’s daughter. Lovely daughter.”
“Oh snap, froglet! I’d be dead if I tried that. I’m guessing her and her dad’s white?”
“Yes.”
“Hell, I wouldn’t even try one of the black Chiefs in my home town in Louisiana. I thought you had some past.” He wiped his fingers clean. “What’d you do?”
“Just pranks. Pumpkins in the pool. Jell-O in the other school’s fountain.”
“What the hell you talkin’ about? You get arrested for throwing pumpkins and shit? I never heard about no Jell-O bandit. You bad. You a bad dude!”
Ever after that day, Zak’s nickname was changed to Jell-O. Carter never let him forget he wasn’t a real bad-ass, and Zak didn’t want to touch what was in Carter’s background. He was a fellow recruit.
He worried about what he would do to start paying his dad back, since he’d only been able to save about one thousand dollars. He didn’t do much dating, and kept himself on a strict budget so he could save as much as possible, but he never could get ahead.
As the weeks went by he was so exhausted he couldn’t remember even his own past, let alone anyone else’s. He’d throw himself in bed at night, see another empty bed occasionally and not run to hear the story, but wait until someone told him. It just happened. People stayed. People left. That was the way it was. He had too much work to think about it anymore. He was in it until he felt like quitting, and each day didn’t become that day.
Only Easy Day Was Yesterday was a suitable motto for this kind of training. He knew it would never get easier, just easier to deal with. That’s why he was here.
OVER THE COURSE of the next few weeks, the team bonded into a cohesive unit. Zak always deferred to others to lead, but when asked, stepped up to the plate and did his job. He never again sought out the anonymity of being a loner and he began to settle into a routine so that by the time the thirty recruits graduated, he felt like he’d die for any one of them.
His folks came down for the Trident ceremony. Over their weekend stay, he showed them what he could of Coronado. He took them to some of his favorite watering holes and noticed at every turn his dad didn’t order alcohol.
“He’s trying very hard, Zak,” his mother told him one time while his dad was in the head. “Going to meetings, doing some light workouts. Doesn’t stay down at the shop as much as he used to, and of course isn’t always tinkering with that car.” She stared down at her French fries.
“What did the insurance come up with?”
“Peanuts, really. He had it insured as an antique, but that didn’t give him the real value to him, you know, didn’t compensate for all the time he put in, and the labor he traded to fix it up. He got a check, but not enough to buy something else he felt like tackling, and way short of the real value of the car. You know how that goes. You learn from your mistakes.”
“Not fair.”
“Well, let’s just say we’d do it differently another time, except that there won’t be a next time. That was that.” She looked at him hard. “Perhaps this was a good thing. Never seen him so determined to get back into shape. He’s a different man when he’s not drinking, Zak. I think he wants you to be proud of him.”
Jack Chambers approached. “We done? Nice sunny day, good day for walking around.” He put his hand on his wife’s neck and gave her a peck on the cheek. It hadn’t been very long ago when his dad would have preferred to stay in a darkened bar for hours on end.
Zak chose to bring up the subject of money one last time before his parents left. “Dad, I’m saving to pay you back.”
His dad stared down at his feet and didn’t say anything.
“Sorry to say, I’ve only managed to save about a grand. But it’s yours. I’m giving you a check before you go.”
“Nah, not necessary, Zak.” Still, his dad wouldn’t look at him. “Not like you have a real job, anyway. Doesn’t seem right taking that from you.”
Real job?
He had to say something, even if it upset his dad. “This is a real job. It’s the hardest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever done.”
“I didn’t mean that. I just think you need to put the past aside. You’re never going to be able to pay it all back, so just quit trying. I’ve given up. So should you.”
“But I owe you, Dad. I want to make it right.”
“Forget it, Zak. You saved me from the folly of my past, in a way. Your mom will tell you I was one pissed off guy. She reminds me every day maybe I loved that car too much. Now. If you ever want to borrow another one, just for the record, the answer is no.”
Before his parents left, his mother asked him if he’d had any communication with Amy. Zak told her the truth: no.
“She came by the house one day, brought me some flowers, and asked about you. I let her in. Told her you’d just made it through BUD/S and were off for your other training. We had tea. She thanked me.”
“I hope you were okay with that. I haven’t talked to her since the night before I left. We agreed to leave it that way, Mom.”
“She looks different. She’s moving to SanFrancisco, she said. She told me to say hi and to call her if you felt like it.” His mom smiled.
“What?”
“She said she had stopped herself several times from dialing your number, because that’s what you’d agreed.”
“We did. What’s so danged funny?”
“She said talking to me was breaking the rules a bit, but then she said you two always did break a few rules along the road.”
“That’s true. That’s certainly true.” Zak was thinking those were the best parts of their relationship.
“So I guess I’m breaking a few of my own. I told you to stay away from the Amys of the world. Now I’m not so sure about that. I think she really cares for you.”
AMY DIDN’T CALL HIM, and he wasn’t going to start that up again. He needed to focus on his training. After his parents left, he tore into his studies, preparing for the underwater diving school in Florida, some jump schools, and his stint at Quantico. After that, there was talk of them doing some jungle training south of the border or back up to A
laska. He didn’t care what it was. He was all in for whatever the Navy was going to shove at him.
He was proud of himself for staying unattached, because he saw how hard it was on the married guys, especially the married ones with kids at home. It changed their focus, he thought. How could it not? Right now, he knew the only time he’d be able to get more than casual with a woman was if she allowed him to have his primary loyalty to his country and to his fighting brothers. Nothing could come between him and that bond. He was grateful he didn’t have to choose.
EIGHT
Amy began training in San Francisco selling high-end condominiums for a large developer. The job came with wonderful perks. She got a one bedroom unit overlooking Ferry Plaza and the Bay Bridge, which included access to the exclusive gym, conference rooms for meetings with clients and a secure garage to park in.
One of her favorite walks was down the Piers, wandering through shops and boutique grocery stores where they sold hand-milled soaps, fresh-pressed olive oils and vegetables straight from the farms up north. It was an upscale farmer’s market, not unlike what she was used to in Santa Rosa. Several vendors she recognized from there, including her favorite egg lady, where she bought blue and green eggs once a week.
She studied for and passed her real estate exam in the months that followed. Her father worried she was living in the City, but even he ventured to visit on a couple of occasions. One time he brought someone with him.
Marlene was a redhead with green eyes, and Amy could tell her father was totally smitten with her. She was lively, like Amy had always been. About ten years younger than her dad, she brought out some of the parts of his personality Amy hadn’t seen for years. It was as if he was growing younger before her eyes. Marlene had all sorts of plans to come down and go shopping with Amy, and the idea made Amy a little uncomfortable. But as they were talking, she found herself agreeing to a future date to do just that. Her dad seemed to be delighted the two of them got along so well.
Before they left, her father ventured a private discussion with Amy. “I’m still concerned about you living down here where there are so many places you could get into trouble.”