Eventually, he looks down at me. He reaches his hand to my face and gently caresses my cheek.
“You are so beautiful,” he says, his voice low, only a whisper.
I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. I just look into his soft green eyes and wonder how I got so lucky to meet such an amazing man. I say man, because even though he’s only seventeen, Stefan is more of a man than some thirty-year olds.
He clears his throat. “We should go to school. If we’re too late, the guys will worry.”
I nod. “Okay.”
Even though the moment is over, I know I won’t ever be the same after that. I’ve given Stefan a piece of my heart that I know I won’t ever get back.
The thing is, I don’t want it back.
Tension.
When we get to the dining hall that morning, Stefan and I grab our breakfast before sitting at the table. I take a seat between Austin and Tristan. Tristan, as always, is smiling when I sit down, but Austin doesn’t even acknowledge me.
“Hey, Austin,” I say, to get his attention.
He glances over at me, but only for a second. “Hi.”
I look at Tristan, but he’s glaring at the back of Austin’s head. When I look behind him, at Stefan, he’s giving me a sad smile.
I wonder what’s going on with Austin and I wonder if I’ve done something to offend him. But, as we eat breakfast, I realize it’s not just me he’s ignoring. It’s all the guys.
Something must have happened.
But what?
And why haven’t the guys told me what’s wrong?
Part of me wants to be upset that they’re keeping secrets, but what if they’re doing it to protect me? What if the reason Austin is so mad is because of something I did? I try to think of our last interactions, but nothing stands out to me.
Austin was acting weird yesterday, too.
What happened before that?
Maybe it was because he found out that Dylan and I kissed. He said he would wait for me to make up my mind, but what if he’s changed his mind? What if I’ve lost Austin?
The thought makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have to force myself to finish my breakfast.
The guys are all kind of quiet today. I can’t blame them. There is a lot of tension at the table right now.
So, this isn’t just between Austin and me.
We head to class much earlier than we normally do. Before we head fully in the direction of class, I pull Stefan to the side.
“Did I do something to make Austin mad?” I ask.
“It’s not you,” Stefan says.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he says.
I frown.
“Austin will come and talk to us when he’s ready,” Stefan says. “Until then, we should give him time.”
I nod.
I can do that.
But I can’t help but think... if I were acting like Austin, the guys wouldn’t just let it go.
Maybe Stefan is right, though.
I just hope Austin figures it out soon. I don’t like seeing him like this.
Allies?
On Monday afternoons, I tutor Taylor. I’m curious to see if she will show up this week. She stayed last week and seemed eager to learn, but I know she doesn’t like me very much. I guess I wouldn’t blame her if she asked Mr. Brown for a different tutor.
I’m sitting at the desk, waiting for her, and going over some of my math notes. I really like Mr. Brown’s class. He’s hard, but he’s also a really good teacher. I feel like I’ve learned a lot from him in the short two months I’ve been here.
Two months. Has it really been two months? Almost, I guess. That’s crazy.
Coming here, meeting Zach and the guys... it’s changed my life.
I hear the door open and am surprised when I see Taylor walk through the door. She has her dark hair pulled into a high pony tail on top of her head, and she’s got bright red lipstick—something I’m not used to seeing when it comes to Taylor.
Wait... is she wearing a skirt?
I’m not used to seeing her in a skirt. She usually opts to wear the pants that come with the uniform. I don’t like the pants, they are not flattering at all, so I never wear them.
Taylor looks good. She smiles when she sees me and pulls something from her backpack. I realize it’s the math test we had today. She has a bright red C on the top.
“I got a C,” she says, grinning from ear to ear. “I’ve never gotten a C on a test in this class before. The only thing keeping me afloat in there is the fact that I always do my homework. This is incredible. My mom was so proud when I sent her a picture.”
“Wow, that’s awesome,” I say, forcing a smile.
She is this happy over a C? If I got a C, I think I’d cry.
“You look horrified,” she says, smirking. “Trust me, if I got a C in any other class, I’d be devastated. But I’ve never been good at math. You’re just... good at explaining it. Honestly, I just agreed to tutoring because I knew Mr. Brown would give me better marks if he saw I was putting in the effort to get better. I never thought I’d actually get better. You’re not so bad.”
“Thanks.”
“I don’t want to be friends or anything,” she says. “And I definitely don’t want you back in my dorm. I finally have a single room.”
I grin.
I didn’t expect us to be friends, but I do like the idea of being allies with Taylor.
Ever since I came to Spy School, everybody has talked about the importance of making allies to help in the future. I honestly thought it would never be a possibility for me, but I feel like people are starting to maybe like me more. I’m not such an outcast.
In California, I never knew if people liked me. With my mom and stepdad both having a big name in Hollywood and my brother and dad being professional ball players, it’s always been hard to know if somebody was being nice to me because they wanted something from me or if they genuinely wanted to be my friend.
“We don’t have to be friends,” I say. “I’ll still tutor you.”
“Cool,” she says. “If you ever need anything, hit me up.”
“Same for you,” I say.
She nods.
I feel like she and I have come to an agreement. And I like this dynamic we have. Maybe, sometime in the future, we can be friends. Since she is unwilling right now, I’ll settle for this weird thing we have between us.
Taylor sits down beside me and I go over her test with her, showing her where she went wrong with her formulas. I love that when I teach her, she is so willing to learn. I also love how her eyes spark when it clicks for her.
I see why the teachers at Spy School are so happy to teach here. Everybody is so willing to learn. They want to learn. I love that. At my old school, I feel like a third of the class wouldn’t even pay attention. There were always disruptions in the middle of class—somebody would be talking or texting. I always hated that. It’s different here, and I am forever grateful that Zach brought me to Spy School.
Falling hard.
After tutoring Taylor, Stefan drives me home. Zach isn’t there, so he’s staying. I’m kind of glad because I want to hang out with Stefan tonight. I need to figure out what I am feeling for him.
Well, I know what I’m feeling for him. I just need to figure out if what I feel for him is stronger than what I feel for Cam. Or Dylan. Or Tristan. Or Austin. My heart says no, but I keep hoping that one of them will stand out more.
I know what I should do. I should distance myself from them—at least romantically. I should just be friends with them and that’s it. I should put my foot down and say no more kissing and no more holding hands. I should say we shouldn’t sit so close to one another. I should tell them that I want to just be friends.
For some reason, I can’t bring myself to do that. Not yet, anyway. Someday, I will have to. Just not now. Not yet. I hope I’m not making the wrong decision. I hope what I am choosing won’t hurt them in the e
nd.
Stefan and I are sitting on the couch. I pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them close to me. I feel like if I do that, maybe I won’t do something stupid, like try to kiss Stefan. Though, let’s be honest, I’m not brave enough for that. Stefan is sitting close enough that our sides are touching. He has his arm around the back of the couch, behind me. I like it there.
I feel so safe with Stefan. I feel safe with them all, but I try not to think about anybody but Stefan right now. I need to focus on him alone right now. I’ll wait until I’m alone to worry about everything else.
“How is tutoring going?” Stefan asks. “Cam’s been worried about you tutoring Taylor.”
“It’s actually going good,” I say. “She’s already improved, just from our session last week. She’s smart and willing to learn—you just have to explain things a few times for it to click with her. Once she’s got it, she’s good.”
“I mean, is she being nice to you,” he says.
“Oh,” I say. “Yeah. We kind of have an agreement. We’re not friends and probably never will be, but we can get along during our tutoring session. We’re also kind of allies, I guess. She said if I ever need anything in the future to hit her up.”
“That’s good,” he says. “We can always use more allies.”
“I don’t really understand how that works.”
“When we graduate, we’re going to be going to work,” he says. “Sometimes, we might need help from somebody outside our team in order to complete a task. If we have allies, we have people we can turn to in time of need. The same goes for them. People want to align with us because we’re such a big, diverse team.”
“Ah. Because there are six of us?” I ask.
He nods. “Plus, we’ve all completed torture training, Tristan is an amazing hacker and we have you.”
“But there isn’t anything special about me,” I say.
“You completed torture training,” he says. “And you’re Zach Stone’s daughter, which says a lot.”
“What does that say?” I ask. Because I have no idea what it means. I remember the guys seemed shocked about the fact that he wanted me here, but they didn’t say anything else.
“He’s fourth generation Spy School,” Stefan says. “I guess that makes you fifth generation. Everybody already knows that you’re an amazing actress—that kind of talent isn’t learned. It’s natural for you. And it’s a skill that is highly sought. Plus, the Stone family is known for being trustworthy.”
Trustworthy. I like that. It makes me proud to be a part of the Stone family.
“Does it matter that I have a different last name?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Why would it? Someday you’ll change your name, anyway.”
I tilt my head.
What?
“When you get married,” he says.
“Oh, right,” I say. “I hadn’t thought about that.”
“Unless you want to keep your last name,” he says.
I shake my head. “I want to take my husband’s last name someday. I think it will be an honor to take his last name. I’ve never understood why women make such a big deal out of taking their husband’s last name.”
He shrugs. “I’m a dude. What do I know about women?”
I laugh. “I’m a girl and I still don’t understand the female mind.”
“Then, I guess there really isn’t hope for me to ever understand,” he says. “Sometimes I think I understand you, but other times I feel like I have no clue.”
“Am I that bad?”
“No, you’re not bad,” Stefan says, his green eyes meeting mine. “I just wish I knew what you were thinking.”
“I wish the same thing about you.”
If only I knew what all the guys were thinking. Maybe that would make all of this easier for me.
Or more difficult.
“Zara, I...” his voice cuts off and he looks away from me.
“What is it?” I ask, reaching a hand over and putting it on his arm. “Stefan, you can talk to me.”
“You know the same goes for you, right?” he asks.
I nod.
“Okay,” he says, then takes a deep breath. “I have a confession to make.”
I wait for him to continue. My heart is racing and I wonder what he’s about to tell me. Maybe he knows that I have feelings for him. I might be a good actress, but when it comes to real life, I can’t hide my feelings. They are always so plainly written on my face.
If he knows about my feelings for him, then maybe he’s trying to think of a way to let me down gently.
If he does that, I will have to put myself into a role. The role of a girl who doesn’t have feelings for Stefan. Because if he doesn’t like me, I don’t want him to feel bad about it. It wouldn’t be his fault.
I hope that’s not it.
“Zara, I am falling hard for you,” Stefan says.
Falling...
Hard...
For me?
I was fully expecting him to let me down gently. I wasn’t expecting him to tell me that he’s falling for me. My heart soars, but it sinks almost as quickly.
Someday, I might break Stefan’s heart. He shouldn’t fall for me. Not when I’m this confused about my feelings.
“And I know you have feelings for the other guys,” he says.
“I have feelings for you, too,” I say quickly, wanting him to know before he says anything else.
“It doesn’t matter to me that you have feelings for them,” he says, not acknowledging what I said. “I’m not asking you to choose.”
I smile.
Of course, Stefan isn’t asking me to choose. He’s a patient man. He will wait for me to choose. I just wonder how long he will wait. Austin told me he would wait, too, but he already seems tired of waiting.
“You’re a good guy,” I say. “I don’t deserve you.”
“It’s me who doesn’t deserve you,” Stefan says.
He’s crazy if he thinks that.
Well, he might be crazy anyway, because he has feelings for me.
Stefan Thompson is falling for me.
He’s falling in love with me.
I know he didn’t say the word love, but it’s implied.
I just hope, someday, I will be the kind of woman that he deserves.
Tuesday, October 16
Silent treatment.
My heart is beating fast and my mouth is suddenly dry when I see Austin Petrov at my house on Tuesday morning. I knew Stefan was leaving sometime in the middle of the night, but I didn’t know Austin would be coming over today. I should’ve known though. Austin and I have dance tonight and he usually picks me up on Tuesdays.
“You ready?” Austin asks.
He doesn’t smile at me or say hi or anything.
Wow.
He really is mad at me.
My chest hurts at the thought of Austin being mad at me, but I push it aside.
Stefan is right. I should give him time. I should let him come to me.
“Yeah,” I say, forcing myself to smile.
Austin still opens the passenger side door of the car for me, but he doesn’t hold my hand on the drive to school. It’s weird that he’s not. He always holds my hand. All the guys do. I want to reach out and grab his hand, but I also don’t want to make him uncomfortable.
Maybe he has changed his mind about me. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same for me as he did.
Was it only last week that Austin told me about his feelings? Was it only last week that he told me he would wait for me to choose him—forever if he had to? As much as hearing him say that he would wait for me to choose him over the other guys hurt, it hurts worse to think that he’s already given up on me.
My mom would be upset if she knew I was so hurt over a guy rejecting me. She would tell me to suck it up—that there are plenty of guys out there. But there aren’t any guys like Austin, not even close.
I have four other guys I have feelings for. Shouldn’t Austin taking hi
mself out of the equation make the decision easier for me?
It doesn’t.
In fact, it just sucks.
“Zara,” Austin says.
I blink and look over at him. “Hmm?”
“We’re at school,” he says.
I look around and realize that I completely dazed out for the whole ride here.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
I nod. “Yeah. Are you?”
He doesn’t answer. He just gets out of the car. I get out, too. I’m sad when he doesn’t grab my hand as we walk into the dining hall together, but what did I expect?
Austin doesn’t say one word to me as we get our food, not one word on the walk to the table. And instead of sitting beside me, he walks to the other end of the table and starts eating his breakfast, looking away from me.
That hurts.
A lot.
But if Austin needs space, I can give that to him. I just hope he will talk to me soon. The silent treatment from him is killing me.
Get over it?
I don’t know how I keep it together all day. I feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown. I want to think that it’s not just because of Austin, but it is. The way he’s acting—the way he’s treating me—it’s breaking my heart.
The thing is, I have no right to feel heartbroken. Austin isn’t mine. He never was. None of the guys are. Austin is just a boy who has my heart, even if he doesn’t realize it.
Since today is Tuesday, Austin and I have dance. It’s my favorite class—not because of what we’re doing, but because of my partner. I love dancing with Austin and I love having this time with him. It’s always fun and always something I look forward to. Today, not so much. I actually am kind of dreading this class. Even as I walk inside with Austin silently walking behind me.
I put my messenger bag in my locker and take off my hoodie. It’s cold today, but I always get warm in this class. I also pull my hair up into a pony tail because the teacher said something about taking a break from our waltz dances to do some hip hop moves. I don’t want my hair in my face if we’re going to be dancing to upbeat songs.
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