Once I’m ready to face Austin, I turn away from my locker and walk over to where Austin is standing. His eyes widen when he sees me.
“You’re wearing your hair up,” he says.
I nod. “I always get hot in this class, so I thought it would help.”
“Right,” he says.
What is it with these guys and their fascination of seeing me with my hair up? Maybe it’s because my hair is always down and it’s weird to see me with it up, I don’t know. Maybe it’s something I’ll have to ask Mom. Maybe she’ll know.
The teacher walks into the room, demanding everybody’s attention.
“Usually, we stick with slow dances until the first half of the semester is over, but everybody has been doing so well,” she says. “The most important part of dance is trusting your partner.”
Trusting your partner.
I phase out everything she says after that.
I trust Austin with my life. I do. I just... I don’t know if I trust him with my heart right now. I’m actually frightened he’s going to break my heart.
Will my teacher be able to tell?
Will Austin be able to tell?
For some reason, I feel like today is going to go horribly wrong.
You would think that a hip-hop dance would have less touching than a waltz, but I feel like there is actually more touching involved. I guess it’s more intimate touching. Austin isn’t just lightly holding my waist. He’s actually having to grab me and lift me and it’s a lot. In one part of the dance being taught, our faces are only inches from each other. It would be so easy to kiss him. Of course, I wouldn’t do that in class, but I still think about it.
I’ve never been physically closer to Austin.
I’ve also never felt so far from him.
We’re only close because of this class. He’s only touching me because he has to, not because he wants to.
“Are you okay?” Austin whispers to me.
“I’m fine,” I whisper back.
Fine.
I’m not fine, but what am I supposed to say to him? That he’s breaking my heart? That I’m falling for him even though he doesn’t feel the same? That I find it hard to breathe when he touches me? That my heart races whenever he’s near?
I can’t say anything of those things. If I did, I would lose him. So, I will give myself today to be sad. Then I will have to...
What?
Get over it?
Get over him?
Impossible.
Instead, I’ll slip into the role of somebody who is over him.
Maybe if I pretend long enough, it’ll actually happen.
Confident, not arrogant.
Pretending with these guys is nearly impossible. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t act when it comes to them. Not matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I wish I could, I feel like I’ll never be able to hide what I’m really feeling.
Maybe it’s a good thing. Most of the time, I’d say it is. I can’t keep secrets from them. We’re always honest with each other. But today, not being able to hide my emotions sucks. All I want to do is cry. I don’t know how I kept it together all day, but I did, and now Austin and I are back at my house. I was hoping Zach would be here just so Austin would have an excuse to leave, but he’s not. Of course not.
I know that I’m about to start crying. My eyes are so blurry, but I won’t let them fall around Austin. Instead, I run upstairs and decided to hide in my bathroom. I shut the door and sit on the floor with my back against the door. I hug my knees to my chest and just let my tears fall.
I hate crying. Crying makes me feel weak. Especially since I’m crying over a guy. My mom always told me that no guy is worth crying over. I would’ve agreed with her a few months ago, but that was before I knew what this felt like.
Am I assuming things, though? What if the reason Austin has been giving me the cold shoulder has nothing to do with me? He’s been like this with all the guys, not just me.
But it feels like it is about me. It feels personal.
Maybe I should ask him.
There is a knock on my bathroom door.
“Zara?”
Hearing Austin’s voice deepens the pain in my chest and I cry harder. I try to stay quiet so he can’t hear, but I have a feeling that he knows. Austin isn’t stupid. Quite the opposite, in fact.
“Zara, open the door,” he says.
I shake my head, even though he can’t see me. I just can’t bring myself to open my mouth.
“Please?”
“Go... away...” I say, unable to quiet my sobs.
But he doesn’t listen.
He jiggles the door knob, which is unlocked, but I am leaning against the door. He pushes it open anyway, sliding my butt across the door just enough for him to walk inside. I refuse to look at him, though.
“Zara,” he says, his voice coming out in a whisper.
I look up to see Austin’s chin is trembling. Like I’m about to make him cry.
This isn’t what I wanted.
He gets onto his knees in front of me. His eyes, which are blue today, are open wide as he looks at me. He hesitantly reaches a hand out and wipes away a tear from my cheek. Touching me somehow gives me permission to touch him back, so I throw my arms around him, putting my head onto his chest. I hold on tight, not wanting to let go. He doesn’t hesitate a moment before embracing me. He just holds me, rubbing my back. I think he needs this just as much as I do.
“What’s wrong?” Austin asks, once I’ve finally stopped crying.
“You hate me,” I say, hating how my lip trembles. I don’t want to cry anymore.
“I do not,” he says. “Why would you think that?”
“Because you won’t talk to me or even look at me,” I say. “It’s like you hate being in the same room as me, as all the guys. But especially me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It feels like it is,” I say.
“Look... the guys and I...” he takes a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter. We had a fight. More like they had a fight with me. You’re right. I was taking out my anger on you. I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have dragged you into the middle.”
“What was the fight about?” I ask.
He sighs. “It wasn’t really a fight. It was a disagreement.”
“It must’ve been some disagreement, to make you act like that,” I say.
“The guys have a different home life than I did,” Austin says. “They don’t always understand me.”
“Didn’t we all grow up very differently from one another?” I ask.
“Yeah, but my family was harder on me,” he says. “Well, my dad was. He’s Russian, you know? Like, he was actually born and raised there. My mom... she’s American, but I was raised very much Russian.”
Austin hasn’t told me much about his past or about his family, so I’m eager to hear.
“So, that is what you guys fought about?” I ask. “It was... fundamental differences?”
He smirks. “I guess you could say that.”
“Okay,” I say, nodding my head.
I can accept that.
For now.
“You were crying because you thought I was mad at you?” Austin asks.
I nod. “Austin, I like you. A lot. I think you already know that what I feel for you is more than just a friendly feeling.”
He nods. “I know. And you know that it’s a mutual feeling.”
Do I?
“I worried you’d changed you mind,” I say.
“I didn’t,” he says.
“Good,” I say.
“Zara, I am falling in love with you,” Austin says. “Maybe I’ve already fallen, I don’t know. I’m trying not to think too much about it. You have me all torn up. I want to just give my heart to you, but I’m scared you won’t... the others...”
His words send a sharp pain right into my heart.
He’s right.
I know he is.
But I hat
e hearing those words.
Someday, I am going to break his heart. And if not his heart, it will be the heart of four other guys.
“Your team would be so much better off without me. I just bring you pain,” I say.
“No, you don’t,” he says. “Don’t even say that. It’s not true.”
“It is because—I’m hurting you,” I say.
“How can you say that?” he asks. “You’re the one crying. I’m the one who hurt you.”
Still...
“Zara, I’m not giving up on you. I’m not even asking you to choose me. I’m just... I don’t know what I’m doing,” he says. “All I know is that I can’t stand to see you hurting like this. Even if I think I haven’t given you my heart, I already know you have it. And if you break my heart, it’ll be worth every bit of pain. You’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. You’re smart, kind, strong and beautiful. Every single day, you take my breath away. The only thing is you can’t drive well, but that can be fixed.”
Somehow, despite the pain, I laugh.
“Austin?”
“Yeah?”
“I think I’m falling in love with you, too,” I say.
“I know.”
“Even if you’re arrogant.”
“Confident,” Austin says. “Never arrogant.”
I guess I can’t argue with that.
After our time on the bathroom floor, Austin takes me out for a drive. Zach told me the guys could help teach me and I’m grateful for any help I can get.
Austin is a very patient teacher, which surprises me. I don’t know why it does. Austin is always nice. But I just imagined him being impatient. He’s not, though. At least not with me. He never yells, not even when I was inches away from hitting the mailbox, not when I ran over a speed bump going fifty, and not even when I blew past three stop signs.
I have a long way to go.
Good thing I have such a good teacher willing to work with me.
Wednesday, October 17
Stolen kisses.
It’s Dylan’s day.
I honestly couldn’t be more ecstatic about the fact that he’s here to pick me up today.
Dylan is from Tennessee and he looks like ‘the boy next door.’ He’s got light blond hair, bright blue eyes and muscles for days. He’s nice, though. He would literally give me the shirt off his back if I asked for it. He’s always thinking about others before he thinks of himself. He’s smart. He’s beautiful. And he’s a great kisser. The best part about him is that he’s mine.
Well, kind of.
We’re not dating. But we’re definitely more than friends.
Dylan and I kissed last week. It was a good kiss. And maybe he only did it because he found out Cam had kissed me, but it doesn’t change the fact that it was a good kiss and I wouldn’t mind kissing him again.
Maybe that’s what I need. To kiss Dylan again so I can stop thinking about kissing the other guys. I came so close to kissing Stefan without his permission. And Austin, for that matter.
Dylan’s entire face lights up when he sees me, which only makes my smile widen.
“Hey, beautiful,” Dylan says.
My face grows warm.
“Hey,” I say.
My voice comes out all breathy, like I’ve gone for a run. To clarify, I haven’t. It’s just that Dylan makes my heart race so fast it feels like I’ve physically exerted myself.
“You want to ditch school today?” he asks.
“And do what?” I ask. “If we don’t go to school, there is literally nothing else to do.”
“I can think of a few things,” Dylan says. “One of them involves making out on your couch all day, but I have a feeling Zach wouldn’t like that very much.”
“No, probably not.”
But I would like it...
A lot.
Dylan laughs. “I can tell by the look on your face that it wouldn’t take much to convince you, so get in the car before I change my mind and try.”
I grin.
How can the guys read my face and thoughts so easily?
Dylan locks the door to my house and then opens my car door for me. He’s such a sweet guy.
Such a change from Austin.
I swallow hard, deciding not to focus on that today. Austin and I made up last night. I refuse to let the negative thoughts about him and us creep in and ruin my day with Dylan. Dylan deserves my full attention today.
Dylan grabs my hand as we drive to the school and I like my hand there. I like it a lot, actually.
I wish there wasn’t a center console between us. If this was a bench seat, I would scoot closer to him.
Eh, maybe it’s best that there is a console between us.
When Dylan pulls into the school, neither of us rush to get out of the car.
“Before we go in, I just have to...”
Dylan doesn’t finish his sentence. Instead, he leans closer, putting his lips against mine. I wasn’t expecting him to do that, but I’m glad he did. I’m so glad.
I lace my fingers through his hair and he deepens the kiss. His hands cup around my waist and I wonder what he’s doing for only a moment before I am airborne. I squeal against his lips, but he doesn’t break the kiss. He just sits me in his lap.
It’s much easier to kiss without a center console between us.
I have the vague thought that maybe I shouldn’t be making out with him in the parking lot of the school, but nobody is ever out here anyway.
Sitting here on Dylan’s lap, making out with him, I can’t help but feel normal for the first time ever. I’m just a normal girl, making out with her boyfriend.
Not my boyfriend.
Not yet.
But still...
I’m normal.
And I can’t think of much that is better than being here with Dylan.
He backs away from my lips, just a tiny bit. I whimper because I was not done kissing him yet.
“You are so beautiful,” Dylan mummers before putting his lips back on mine.
We still haven’t talked about our first kiss and what it means. I don’t know what is going on between us, but as long as he keeps kissing me like this, we can ‘not talk’ all he wants.
A few minutes later, when we have to walk into the dining hall, the guys are giving Dylan and me funny looks.
That’s when I realize his hair is messed up.
I’m pretty sure my lips are swollen.
My face grows warm and I look down at my breakfast.
I really didn’t think through how awkward it would be to ‘date them all.’
Driving lesson.
Zach meets me for weapons training that night, but he leaves immediately after.
We’ve been doing the same thing for weeks now. Just shooting the same gun at a target. I don’t think he will be satisfied until I can hit the center every single time. Even though I hit it nine times out of ten, it’s not enough. Which, I suppose I understand. I need to be one hundred percent accurate with a gun, but it’s still frustrating. I want to learn cool things—like how to disarm somebody or how to throw knives.
“Did you know there is a fencing class?” I ask Dylan, when he picks me up from the gun range.
“Yeah,” he answers. “The guys and I took it last year for fun. We would’ve again this year, we just didn’t have time in our schedule. We had to choose what was more important to us.”
Spy School is so amazing.
The classes are just so diverse. There is, literally, anything you can imagine.
Zach had to leave again. He said he didn’t know when he would be back, which is kind of frustrating, but I understand. He has an important job. I am not even sure what he’s out doing. Is he still looking for whoever tried to hurt me? Or is it something else?
I have a feeling he wouldn’t leave somebody out there hunting for me, so that must be what he’s doing. I can tell that he’s frustrated with whatever he is doing, so he must not have any more leads yet.
“Do y
ou want to drive?” Dylan asks, when we get to the SUV.
I shake my head. “Not really.”
He raises an eyebrow. “You need to learn.”
“Why? I have five guys who can drive me around everywhere I need to go,” I say.
“Zara,” he says.
“I hate driving,” I say. “I had no idea I was a bad driver until I came here. I mean, in my defense, why does Zach not have a backup camera in his car? Nobody taught me how to use mirrors. Even my driver’s education car had a backup camera. And so what if I can’t parallel park, you can always avoid that anyway.”
“I am not going to argue the parallel parking thing, but the rest of those are just excuses,” he says, holding out the keys for me. “Zara Summers, you are going to learn how to drive, because even if you have five guys who are willing to drive you around, that doesn’t mean you don’t still need to learn.”
I frown.
“Don’t even try to pout your way out of this,” he says. “What if there is an emergency? What if I get hurt and you’re the only one who can drive me to the hospital?”
I grab the keys. “Fine. You didn’t have to guilt me into it.”
He grins and my heart races.
Dang, if only he knew... his smile could get me to agree to anything.
Dylan opens the driver’s side door for me and then walks around to get in the passenger side. My face grows warm when I think about what happened in this very seat this morning, but I push those thoughts away. I have to focus on driving.
I start the car and then look at Dylan.
“I’m ready when you are,” he says.
Dylan backed into the parking spot, so I can just pull out without having to back up. It’s the small things that make life good.
Before we pull out onto the road, I stop by the edge of the driveway to look before pulling out. When I stop, I hit the brakes a little too hard and the car jerks forward, yanking me against the seatbelt.
“Sorry,” I say, smiling at Dylan. I’m sure my smile is more of a grimace.
“It’s okay,” he says. “Don’t apologize. Be assertive.”
I nod.
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