Let's Be Less Stupid: An Attempt to Maintain My Mental Faculties

by Patricia Marx

  2. Directions

  One-syllable word ending in k __________

  French-sounding word meaning “man about town” __________

  Word you don’t know the meaning of __________

  Same word as above __________

  Latin word, or, if you were not educated, a four-syllable word beginning with m

  Remember when we used to go to Esther’s? Not the first place, the second place. Start off like you’re going there, but don’t go that way. Go the other way. Stay on that until you come to that street we always miss. Make a right. Unless it’s a left. You’ll come to a __________ [ONE-SYLLABLE WORD ENDING IN K] in the road. It’s actually more like a __________ [FRENCH-SOUNDING WORD MEANING “MAN ABOUT TOWN”]. Keep going. There’ll be a tree on your left and then some rocks. Go past where the gas station used to be until you see a little, like, __________ [WORD YOU DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF] thing. If you see a big __________ [SAME WORD AS ABOVE] thing, you’ve gone too far. We’re the house with the red __________s [LATIN WORD, OR, IF YOU WERE NOT EDUCATED, A FOUR-SYLLABLE WORD BEGINNING WITH M]. It’s impossible to miss.

  3. If Lincoln Had Lived

  Unit of measurement, plural __________

  One syllable, begins with sk- __________

  Railings on a staircase __________

  Place where nuns live __________

  Adjective __________

  Four, uh, what’s the word? Four __________ [UNIT OF MEASUREMENT, PLURAL]? No. That can’t be right. Four __________ [ONE SYLLABLE, BEGINS WITH SK-]? Four __________ [RAILINGS ON A STAIRCASE]? Anyway, that word plus seven years ago—or maybe even longer—in any event, our fathers brought forth on this—what’s the thing called when it’s not a country but it has countries in it? __________ [PLACE WHERE NUNS LIVE] or whatever. So, then, something something something and dedicated to the president. No, no, no. I’m the president. I think. Dedicated to the—what? Wait a minute, wait a minute, it’s a hard word and it’s—does anyone know? Where was I? The important thing is that all men are, that all men are created __________ [ADJECTIVE]…

  Back to my ol’ noggin. What would it take to—poof—transform it into a spiffy young noggin? Back to the days when it was in tip-top shape? The days before the nuts and bolts and wires and connections inside my head started to slow down, shrink, get sidetracked, forget, become lazy, and go amiss in dreadful ways, but let’s save the science for later? We’re just getting to know each other’s frontal lobes, and by each other’s I mean mine. Here I just want to say that I would like a brain lift. Why not? If grown men can have bar mitzvahs, grandmothers can give birth, and Mick Jagger can sing “Time Is on My Side,” then can’t I have the mental prowess of someone who looks young enough to be carded, or at least someone qualified to think she will keep on thinking forever? There are a lot of neuroscientists who claim that cognitive rejuvenation is possible through a miscellany of interventions, ranging from exercising to eating sensibly to turning the photographs on your desk upside down to buying a piece of art that vexes you. Should I bring out the crossword puzzles? Learn to play bridge? Chew gum? Take a nap? Drink more coffee? Eat blueberries? Give up tofu? There are studies that tout the restorative benefits to the brain of each of these undertakings. There are also studies that say phooey to them all. How to proceed?

  I would do just about anything for my brain. If you don’t believe me, keep reading. But first…

  Test Your Neuro-Knowledge

  Can you figure out which of these facts I’ve made up? Answer true or false.

  1. Women who have large breasts compared to their waists score higher on cognitive tests than do less curvaceous types.

  2. In a sequel to The Wizard of Oz, the scarecrow worries that he has become too brainy.

  3. We only use 10 percent of our brains.

  4. Becoming rich can change your brain and make you less empathetic.

  5. If a right-handed person wears an eye patch over his right eye for a week, his brain will remap itself and he will become left-handed.

  6. Teenagers with IQs of 125 drink twice as many beers a night as those with IQs of 75 or less. (Could it be that the latter haven’t figured out how to open the can?)

  7. Drinking alcohol kills brain cells.

  8. High school students with longer ring fingers relative to their index fingers have higher math SATs. Those who have a higher index-finger-to-ring-finger ratio do better on their verbal SATs.

  9. Analytically minded folks tend to be left-brained, whereas artist types are more commonly right-brained.

  10. Boys have bigger brains than girls.

  11. Ears emit sound that can sometimes be heard by others.

  12. Pea brain is not just an expression. A pea has a primitive neural tube that regulates the rate of transpiration and operates many of the plant’s functions, such as photosynthesis.

  13. If you made a smoothie by blending the contents of your brain, it would provide all the vitamins you need.

  14. You have more thoughts on days when the barometric pressure is lowest.

  15. There is a tiny region in the brain dedicated to passwords.

  16. When a part of your brain is damaged, other parts can pitch in and take over.

  17. People with higher IQs are more likely to be alcoholics.

  18. The reason we turn down the radio in the car when we are lost is that we only have so much capacity for paying attention.

  19. If you were to connect all the blood vessels in your brain, they would circle the earth four times.

  20. The pathologist who removed Einstein’s brain during the autopsy kept it with him in a jar for twenty years.

  21. Learning is largely a function of growing new brain cells.

  22. A study by Excedrin found that accountants get more headaches during the workweek than any other professionals.

  ANSWERS:

  1. (T) Women who have large breasts compared to their waists score higher on cognitive tests than do less curvaceous types.

  2. (F) In a sequel to The Wizard of Oz, the scarecrow worries that he has become too brainy.

  3. (F) We only use 10 percent of our brains.

  4. (T) Becoming rich can change your brain and make you less empathetic.

  5. (F) If a right-handed person wears an eye patch over his right eye for a week, his brain will remap itself and he will become left-handed.

  6. (T) Teenagers with IQs of 125 drink twice as many beers a night as those with IQs of 75 or less. (Could it be that the latter haven’t figured out how to open the can?)

  7. (F) Drinking alcohol kills brain cells.

  8. (T) High school students with longer ring fingers relative to their index fingers have higher math SATs. Those who have a higher index-finger-to-ring-finger ratio do better on their verbal SATs.

  9. (F) Analytically minded folks tend to be left-brained, whereas artist types are more commonly right-brained.

  10. (T) Boys have bigger brains than girls.

  11. (T) Ears emit sound that can sometimes be heard by others.

  12. (F) Pea brain is not just an expression. A pea has a primitive neural tube that regulates the rate of transpiration and operates many of the plant’s functions, such as photosynthesis.

  13. (F) If you made a smoothie by blending the contents of your brain, it would provide all the vitamins you need.

  14. (F) You have more thoughts on days when the barometric pressure is lowest.

  15. (F) There is a tiny region in the brain dedicated to passwords.

  16. (T) When a part of your brain is damaged, other parts can pitch in and take over.

  17. (T) People with higher IQs are more likely to be alcoholics.

  18. (T) The reason we turn down the radio in the car when we are lost is that we only have so much capacity for paying attention.

  19. (T) If you were to connect all the blood vessels in your brain, they would circle the earth four times.

  20. (T) The pathologist who removed Einstein’s brain during the autopsy
kept it with him in a jar for twenty years.

  21. (F) Learning is largely a function of growing new brain cells.

  22. (T) A study by Excedrin found that accountants get more headaches during the workweek than any other professionals.

  Chapter Two

  If I Knew Now What I Knew Then

  In case you haven’t noticed, our brains, which peaked, by most measures, at twenty-two, have likely been on a cruel slide since we were, oh, say, twenty-seven. Since then our speedball has been chugging along progressively slower, and over in the paying-attention department, things haven’t been getting better, either. Nor has time been a friend to our “working memory”—i.e., the scratch pad in our minds that allows us to retain information long enough to manipulate it, for instance by calculating the tip on the taxi fare or remembering what question we are in the middle of answering.

  On the bright side, some neuroscientists such as Michael Merzenich say that the reason we lose our memories is not that our mental machinery forgets how to remember, but that it is representing the things we are seeing, hearing, and feeling less saliently than it did it in its heyday. When I talked to Merzenich over the phone, he told me about research showing that the slice of the world perceived by the average sixty-year-old is three-quarters the size of that perceived by a child; an eighty-year-old takes in only half of what she’s capable of seeing. If life were a production of Hamlet, you wouldn’t see the ghosts overhead or the soliloquies to the side and forget about Horatio almost drinking the wine in the corner. Here is some of what else you’re missing:

  How about wisdom? As we get older, aren’t we supposed to acquire the common sense and sublime insight one otherwise must find embroidered on pillows? After testing three thousand sixty-to one-hundred-year-olds, some researchers at the University of California concluded so-called wisdom is merely the result of the brain’s slowing down, becoming less impulsive and driven by emotion. Can’t they come up with a wiser explanation?

  What Was I Doing Upstairs That Made Me Decide to Go Downstairs?

  You walk purposely toward the kitchen, bathroom, or Oval Office, and on arrival bewilderedly wonder, “Why am I here?” Did you come for a paper towel? Lip ointment? Are you supposed to sign the telecommunications bill?

  Below are several brief scenarios. In each you wind up in a room, searching for something though you know no longer what. Select the most likely object of desire and provide an explanation to account for your choice. There may be several correct answers, but there is only one I have in mind. There are no incorrect answers, but one is more correct than the others. Do you know how to use telepathy? It could come in handy.

  1. You are in your bedroom, talking to a friend on the phone. Now you are in your home office. What were you so hot to trot for?

  (a) Staple remover

  (b) Your friend

  (c) Datebook

  (d) Lint

  2. In the den you turn on the television to watch your favorite program. During the first commercial, you put the remote in your pocket and run downstairs to the garage. Whatever for?

  (a) Fertilizer

  (b) Snow blower

  (c) Venison in spare freezer

  (d) Garage door opener

  3. Uh-oh. Why did the lights go out? You make your way down to the basement, but um, what is it you are here to look for?

  (a) Flashlight

  (b) Hand-crank radio

  (c) Fuse

  (d) Old Gladys Knight & the Pips album

  4. You are sound asleep, having popped one or possibly three Ambien a few hours earlier. Now you are in the kitchen. What is it you are so abjectly scrounging around for? (Can you hear me?)

  (a) Six-pack of hot dogs

  (b) Twelve-pack of hot dogs

  (c) Natural Balance Dog Food for puppies—Duck & Potato Formula

  (d) More Ambien

  (e) All of the above

  ANSWERS:

  1. (c) Datebook. You are trying to make dinner plans with your friend, who wants to know if you’re free Wednesday.

  2. (d) Garage door opener. The batteries in the remote are dead, but luckily, the AAAs in the garage door opener will work, and you don’t need to drive anywhere before the end of the program.

  3. (d) The album. The lights came back on—how else could you look?—and now it’s time to paaa-rrrr-ty!

  4. (e) All of the above. Everything is possible when you are on Ambien.

  If you answered any of these correctly, you should tell me which horse to bet on at Meadowlands Racetrack.

  What Did You Just Agree To?

  You’re walking down a noisy street and your cell phone rings. You can hear only snatches of what’s being said by the caller—the reception is lousy. Nevertheless, you try to piece together the meaning of what’s being said and carry on your part of the back-and-forth. You’ve surpassed the quota on the number of times you can say “What?” so you say, “Wow,” and “That’s great!” and “Unh-hunh.” Later, in quieter times, it becomes evident that you’ve grievously misspoken. What was it that you said yes to?

  Phone Call from Your Cousin

  “… my favorite relative… perfect match… nobody needs two… fantastic… seven a.m., Tuesday… Mayo Clinic.”

  You agreed to donate a kidney.

  From Guy You Went on a Bad Blind Date with Last Night

  “So nice to meet… soul mate… forever… I don’t believe it!… won’t have regrets… minister or justice of the peace?”

  Uh-oh. You promised to get married.

  From Your Son

  “… middle of semester… no refund… so could I?… Totally awesome.… You’re the best father in the world.… Where’s Thailand?”

  Bankrolled by you, Bobby is dropping out of college to explore the sex industry in Thailand.

  From: Caller ID Blocked

  “… specially selected… one of five valuable prizes.… Act now or offer not good.… Shipping and handling… expiration date?… Outboard motor not included.”

  Are you sure you want to buy a boat? Too late now.

  Your Mother

  “… leg hurts… not complaining.… Shirley’s son visits daily.… Luke’s old room?… Wouldn’t be in your way.… When?”

  Lucky you. Your mother’s moving in with you.

  Your Creepy Neighbor

  “My wife and I wondering… like adventure?… Get to know you better… hot tub… just us… protection.”

  You’re such a swinger! Hope you like the couple next door.

  Finally! Some great news about the bad news. Yes, our mental agility is no longer what it was in our twenties and thirties, but the reason for this, says Michael Ramscar, a linguistic researcher in Germany, is that we oldsters know too much. Our cerebrums are filled with more facts than are contained in all the editions of Trivial Pursuit. Another guy—not Ramscar but Daniel Levitin, who wrote The Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload, cites a 2011 study that says on average, we absorb the equivalent of 174 newspapers’ worth of information per day, which is five times the amount we sucked up in 1986. In the same way that it might take you longer to find that dry cleaning receipt in an overstuffed drawer full of odds and ends, so it might take you a long time to rummage through your gray matter before coming up with the name of that actress who was married to the guy from that show starring the one we thought was so funny—you know, from the gay thing? Ramscar programmed a computer to learn a certain number of new words and commands daily. He compared the computer’s performance when it “knew” as little as a young adult to its performance when it had absorbed as much data as an older adult. The “older” computer had a slower processing speed: Ramscar chalked that up to its having more stuff to process.

  And the stuff just keeps a-comin’. Ninety percent of all the data in the world has been produced in the last two years. Six thousand YouTube videos are posted a minute—and that figure was computed in 2011; by now there’s probably not a number high enough to
convey how overwhelming it all is. Here’s another cocktail party statistic: The amount of information we generate every two days is equal to the amount produced from the beginning of civilization until 2003. That factoid comes from Eric Schmidt, formerly of Google, so you can partly blame him for all your mental clutter.

  How to make room for new stuff to be overwhelmed by? Perhaps selective forgetting is the answer.

  Yes, it is an assuagement and a palliative to know that at least until the age of sixty, our vocabulary augments and enhances itself as we peregrinate and wend our way into senectitude, senescence, and sesquipedalianitis. It is also nice that in our olditude we are better at big-picture thinking and more empathetic. Still, by the advanced age of twenty there is a very good chance that the prefrontal cortex—the real brains of the brain, responsible for problem-solving, decision-making, and complex thought—has already begun to shrivel. Humans, by the way, are the only animals whose brains are definitively known to atrophy with age and—yay us again—we are also sui generis in suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. (Recent studies suggest that cats may also be susceptible, which would make them as dotty as some of their owners.) As distinctions go, dementia may not be as monumental as, say, the opposable thumb. It is not, however, necessarily the first episode in a story that ends with your caregiver finding the butter dish in the drawer of your bedside table. To tell you the truth, I’m not guaranteeing that this won’t happen to you—genes being what they pigheadedly are. For the time being, there’s nothing that can be done to prevent Alzheimer’s, but in the last few years, scientists and entrepreneurs have been claiming there may be measures you can take to minimize, slow down, or even reverse cognitive decline.