by Sarah Bale
“Another change, Jamie.”
“Sir?”
“We’ve decided that you don’t need to come into the main office as much. If you continue traveling as needed then you can work from home. You’ll only need to check in here once every few weeks again.”
“Sir! Thank you!”
He smiled. “It’s our pleasure.”
As he walked me out he asked me if I’d like to join him for lunch. I agreed. Hey, it’s not every day you get news that makes you forget about Mesquite.
“You’ve gotten thinner,” he explained as we got onto the elevator. “You’re too pretty to waste away from a broken heart.”
He patted my shoulder affectionately and I had to blink away tears. I hadn’t realized my misery was so obvious.
September 10
I’m not sure why I waited to text Mesquite. Okay, that’s a lie. I waited because I was scared. Scared of what he’d say to me. Scared that he wouldn’t even reply. Surely he’d reply. Right?
Me: Hey, I got some good news at work
Me: I’d like to talk when you get a chance
Me: I miss you, Angel Eyes.
He hasn’t replied yet. I hope he does.
September 13
Every time my phone makes a sound I jump out of my skin. It’s so bad I’ve had to start leaving my phone on silent at work, which then turns into me checking it every three seconds to make sure I haven’t missed anything.
I haven’t missed anything, though. He hasn’t text and I don’t know why.
September 15
I emailed him today.
Hey,
You didn’t change your phone number, did you? I tried texting, but haven’t heard back. If you did change it then you missed my text where I said that I had some good news and needed to talk. And I miss you.
Love, J
September 16
I’ve discovered I have a flaw. I can’t stand being ignored. I’m fairly certain that’s what Mesquite is doing to me. And it fucking sucks. How can someone decide that BOOM that’s it. It’s over. And not even try to talk to the other person.
When I told LaTonya my theory she didn’t laugh or say I was wrong. Instead, she said that I needed to come to a show. Her words made me feel uneasy. What was going on with Mesquite?
September 17
When I called his phone it went straight to voicemail. So I left him one. If he wasn’t ignoring me before then I’m sure he will once he listens to it.
Hell, I don’t even remember what all I said on it. I really hope this doesn’t end up on TMZ or something. I can see the headline now: Wrestler’s ex-girlfriend leaves crazy voicemail
Jesus. I needed to get out of this house and get my mind off him!
September 18
I went to a karaoke bar with some co-workers tonight. They couldn’t hide their surprise when I agreed to go. Even the boss showed up. He bought a round for everyone and toasted me, saying what a wonderful job I’ve been doing.
The night was going well. A few guys flirted with me. I got up and sang ‘Ice Ice Baby’ and killed it. Yeah… everything was great until someone changed the TV and I saw his face starting back at me.
One of the girls who used to sit next to me asked, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who was in the picture on your desk?”
And that’s when I faked a headache and got the hell out of there. Ugh.
September 22
I went on my first out of state assignment. The company flew me to Colorado and I couldn’t help but think about Denver, which of course made me think of Mesquite. While I was waiting for my luggage I got my phone out and sent a text.
Me: Hey are you home?
Denver: Nope. In LA about to fly down under. What’s up?
Me: Oh.
Denver: ?
Me: I was in your hometown and was going to see if you wanted to grab lunch
Denver: Sorry babe. Maybe next time
Me: How’s Mesquite?
He didn’t reply so I assumed he was getting on the plane. Sighing, I got my luggage and went outside where a town car waited for me. Since Denver wasn’t available to hang out then I’d just have to explore the area on my own. That’s what I needed in my life. To be on my own.
September 24
From Denver I went to Las Vegas for work. It was strange how I associated airports with Mesquite, but that had been a big part of our relationship. I realized I’d just thought of him in the past tense and my pulse quickened.
Was he my past?
September 30
Sleeping in my own bed never felt so good. Sin City is fun, but not for a week. And not when you’re working long hours. At least I didn’t think about Mesquite non-stop. That was a good sign. Right?
October 7
LaTonya came to my house today and I knew right away her arrival was bad news. The moment felt movie-like as she stood on my porch in the pouring rain. I almost shut the door just so I didn’t have to hear whatever news she was bearing.
“Hey, sorry I didn’t call.”
I stepped aside so she could enter. “No worries. Is everything okay?”
She took her drenched jacket off and I hung it on the coat rack for her. Her silence was scaring the shit out of me. What kind of news could she have that would end up being good? A million different worst-case scenarios kept running through my mind.
“Maybe we should sit.”
No sentence in the history of words had ever ended well after that statement.
I voiced my thought and she replied, “It’s bad, Jamie. Sit.”
We went into the living room and sat on the couch. I felt numb. Why did I feel numb?
“Has something happened to one of the guys?”
Sudden deaths were rare, but did happen in the wrestling world. Was that why Mesquite hadn’t texted me back? Oh my god. And I had left him that horrible voicemail. What if that was the last thing he’d heard from me?
She took in a deep breath. “I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure. When Richmond first told me I didn’t believe him, but I saw it with my own two eyes.”
“What is it?”
“Honey, Mesquite is back with his ex.”
The air left my lungs in a whoosh.
She continued, “Richmond saw them together last week and said they looked quite cozy. And then I saw them yesterday. Jamie, she had her engagement ring back on.”
The ring that was supposed to be in his safe? I shook my head, trying to shake away the awful feeling I felt.
“Did… did he see you?”
She nodded. “He asked me not to say anything to you, but I had to. You’re my best friend, after all.”
My stomach churned and I feared I was going to be sick. I didn’t understand. He said he needed some time. He never said that this might happen. That he might leave me. That I might not be good enough for him after all. Tears filled my eyes.
“What are you going to do?”
I grabbed my phone from the coffee table. “I’m going to call him.”
I dialed his number and it rang once before going to voicemail. Was I surprised? No.
“Mesquite, call me. I think we need to talk.”
LaTonya stayed with me for the rest of the evening. When it became apparent that Mesquite wasn’t going to call back we opened a bottle of wine. At least I had a friend who understood that my world was crumbling beneath my feet.
October 9
“Honey, are you sure this is something you want to do?”
I tipped the barista and turned to LaTonya. “Yes. I have to do it. It’s the only way I’ll get him to talk to me.”
We were getting our Starbucks fix before we boarded our flight to Detroit.
“Richmond said that she’s with him for sure?”
LaTonya nodded.
“Good.”
We sat down at our gate. LaTonya pulled out her phone and sent a text and I allowed myself to get lost in my thoughts.
This was a suicide mission.
Once I saw Mesquite and his fiancée together there would be no going back. It would be real and I wouldn’t be able to deny it. But I owed myself the truth.
I prayed I was strong enough to handle it. That my heart would hold up until I was in the privacy of my own room before I broke down. My eyes watered at the thought. No! I wouldn’t cry until this was over.
My plan was simple. We were arriving so late that the chances of running into him would be slim. Tomorrow I would confront him. And after that… I had no fucking idea.
October 10
I didn’t sleep at all. I kept tossing and turning, dreading the inevitable.
Today it would end.
LaTonya texted, letting me know it was go time. I was to come down to the lobby and face my destiny.
The journey down was the longest one in the history of elevator rides. People kept getting on until I wanted to scream. Finally, we reached the lobby. Part of me expected to see him right away and I feared I’d run if that happened.
He wasn’t in the main sitting area, so I strolled to the bar. A few crewmembers sat around a table drinking, but he wasn’t there either. I texted LaTonya.
Me: I’m down here and don’t see him
LaTonya: He’s in the restaurant.
LaTonya: With the bitch.
Her loyalty made me smile, but I also knew what was waiting for me. I ducked into the bathroom. The woman starting back at me was someone else. Her eyes were haunted and she looked scared. Inhaling, I squared my shoulders. I was the one who wanted to do this. No one was making me. Seeing him with her would only help me heal in the long run.
I left my sanctuary and almost ran into a fan. The man was dressed like Richmond from head to toe and I laughed before I could stop myself.
“Sorry ma’am.” He said. “I just heard the wrestler, Mesquite, is in the lobby and he’s the only autograph I don’t have.”
Well, a die-hard fan would know where a wrestler was, that’s for sure.
“Oh?”
“Yeah! And there’s something big going on. My buddy said people were congratulating him.”
This made me pause. I already knew what the news was.
I followed the fan to the lobby. Sure enough, Mesquite was there. LaTonya was right about everything. He was a fucking liar and I was a fucking fool. He was surrounded by people and she stood at his side, smiling. I wanted to hate her. I truly did. But I couldn’t. In another world, we probably would have been friends.
They made a striking couple. She was petite next to his tall, muscular frame. Where he was blonde, she had naturally dark hair. And they way she looked at him… sweet lord… I knew how she felt.
She loved him as much as I did.
What in the hell was I thinking? I couldn’t do this. I wasn’t brave enough. I changed my course and avoided eye contact with anyone. There were a lot of familiar faces in that lobby and they were chomping at the bit to see some drama.
I made it to the elevators before he reached me. I had known he was coming, as I always did.
“Jamie…”
I turned to face him. I owed that much to myself.
“I don’t want to hear your lies, Mesquite. Just leave me alone.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Jamie, please let me explain. It’s not like that.”
“Like what, exactly? How do you think I think it is? I’m curious to hear.”
The doors opened and he pulled me onto the elevator. I raised my eyebrow. Wow. Who in the hell did he think he was?
“We need to talk, but I won’t do it in the lobby where anyone can hear what we’re saying. Hell, half the locker room is already placing bets on what’s going to happen.”
That revelation made me angry. So the locker room knew what was going on between us? Had he been talking about me? Had she been at the shows all along when I wasn’t there?
“Are you sure it’s not so your fiancée hears us?” I stepped closer to him. “What would she say if she knew, Mesquite?”
His throat bobbed as he swallowed.
“She knows, Jamie. I told her everything before we left. I… I had a feeling you’d be here after I saw LaTonya.”
I felt dizzy. No. This couldn’t be happening to me.
“And what did she say?”
“She was upset, of course. But she’s willing to work things out.”
Yes, she would feel that way. Why wouldn’t she? She was getting everything both of us wanted. Him.
We reached my floor and the doors opened. I got off first, but he was close behind. He was right. We needed to have this conversation behind closed doors because I was fairly certain I was going to lose my shit when he started explaining everything.
I flipped the lights on as we entered the room. I sat in a chair – a much safer choice than the bed. He sat across from me. This man I had come to love now felt like a stranger.
“I’m waiting for some answers.”
“I told you when we first me that I was seeing someone-”
“I’m going to stop you right there. You said you were on a break and that she was a like a habit. That you didn’t love her…”
My voice broke.
“Jamie… it kills me to see you hurting.”
“Then please explain to me what’s happening. How did we get here?”
“She found out a few months ago that her mother was sick. She came to me as a friend, seeking comfort. One thing led to another and we reconnected about a month ago.”
A month ago - after I had left him in Tampa. I closed my eyes and asked him to go on.
“I didn’t plan on getting back with her. But I realized I missed her and what we had.”
I asked, “Was it because I wouldn’t move to Tampa?”
I had to know if it was because of my choices that we were in this situation.
His face was honest as he replied, “That was part of it, yes.”
“I told you I was still considering your offer. Five months isn’t a long enough time to make that kind of commitment. And I had just got the promotion…”
“I know, Jamie.”
I stood, needing to move.
“What happens now?”
I was fairly certain I knew, but I needed him to say it. I’d never be able to move on if he didn’t say it.
He stood, too, and went to the window overlooking Detroit.
“We have to stop seeing each other. I care for you, Jamie, and I don’t want to lose you. But I need to give my relationship a real chance. Maybe in a few months we can get to a point where we can hang out…”
“So you want to be friends.” The thought was laughable. That we could be friends after everything we’d shared. “I have plenty of friends, Mesquite.”
I didn’t, though, not really. And now I was losing the person I cared about most of all.
He turned to face me. “Please Jamie. I can’t imagine my life without you.”
And yet he was picking someone else.
I walked to the door and opened it.
“I think you should leave now. I promise I won’t do anything to come between your relationship with her, but right now the thought of being around you makes me sick.”
“Jamie--”
“No, I’ll be fine. And I’m sure you will, too. And one day our paths may cross and we can laugh about this moment. But not now.”
He nodded and walked past me. Just as I thought I could shut the door and lock myself away, he stopped and looked down at me. Eyes of an angel. I wanted to beg him to change his mind, but I couldn’t. If I did that and he said no then I would be shattered.
He smiled and leaned down and kissed my forehead. It was goodbye - I felt it.
He left without saying another word and I was finally able to close my door and cry until no more tears would fall.
October 11
I don’t really remember much after Mesquite left me. LaTonya said I was in shock as she wrapped her arms around me.
“I just want to go home.
”
Richmond pulled some strings and I found myself sitting first class as I flew back to Texas. The flight attendant asked if I had lost someone dear. I had lost more than that. Somehow I’d lost myself.
November 11
I saw LaTonya unexpectedly. We ran into each other at the airport. She was flying to Miami for the PPV and I was going to New York City for a work conference. She couldn’t hide her surprise when she saw me. I’d been avoiding her calls until eventually she stopped trying.
“Jamie, you look stunning. When did you cut your hair?”
I wanted to say the day after my life ended, but that was dramatic.
Instead, I said, “A few weeks ago. Do you like it?”
In all truth, I was still getting used to my new shorter locks.
She replied, “Yes, girl!” She looked around and asked, “Are you going to the show?”
“No, I’m headed to New York for the week.”
“There’s an event there next Monday. Are you going?”
I had seen that they were going to be there, but wasn’t sure if going would be a good idea.
I must have had a look on my face because she touched my arm.
“I’m positive you won’t run into Mesquite.”
“Oh? What makes you say that?”
“He’s taking some time off to film a movie. He won’t be back for several months.”
They called her gate overhead, which was now boarding.
She hugged me and said, “Even if you don’t come to the show, you should come have a drink. I miss my drinking buddy.”
I waved at her and walked toward my own gate. Should I go? Mesquite wouldn’t be there, so at least I wouldn’t have to worry about having to talk to him. Hell, it’s not like he’d even tried to contact me in the last month.
So… to go or not to go… that was the question.
November 17
New York City was experiencing an exceptionally cold fall and I shivered as I walked from the cab to the hotel entrance. I looked up at the tall, beautiful building and wondered what in the hell I was doing there.
Someone touched my arm and I turned, seeing a familiar face smiling down at me.