It took me a moment to realize I was no longer alone and when I turned to look at the door, I saw Hawke watching me. I hadn’t thought to lock the door and I hadn’t heard it swing open either. He said nothing and neither did I – we just stood there watching each other. I tried to get a read on what he was thinking, but his eyes were shuttered. When he finally started moving, it wasn’t to leave. Instead, he came into the bathroom and I automatically took a few steps back until the backs of my legs hit the edge of the bathtub. I saw a flash of something in his eyes, but he kept coming at me. He’d pulled his pants back up at some point and he was still wearing his T-shirt. I waited for him to speak – for him to say he was sorry or that it was a mistake. But he said nothing and I couldn’t stop myself from flinching when he reached for me. Except he wasn’t reaching for me, he was reaching past me to turn the shower on. When he straightened, his body was so close, it was nearly brushing mine.
I expected him to leave at that point, but he remained where he was, and when he reached his hand up to my face, I managed not to move this time. His thumb skimmed my lower lip and came to a stop on the spot where’d I’d been biting myself to keep from making a sound. He massaged the tender flesh for a moment before trailing his fingers across my cheek and then down my neck. My skin came alive with sensation wherever he touched me and despite my aching body, my dick began to react to the contact. I could only stand there in stunned silence as Hawke gently began exploring me with his hand. My chest, my nipples, my abdomen – he left no part of me untouched. And when his hand reached the bruises, I dropped my eyes to watch his fingers gently skim over the discolored skin. At that point, I didn’t need to hear the apology because I felt it everywhere.
Hawke ceased his exploration of the bruises and used both his hands to carefully push my pants and underwear down and I sucked in a breath when he dropped to his knees to help me work them off completely. He ignored my half hard cock as his hands trailed up my legs and then up my sides before moving to my back. He stood back up as his hands came to rest on my ass and I stiffened when he pushed his fingers into my crease. But he didn’t press a finger inside of me. Instead, he swiped it through the moisture still surrounding my hole. He pulled his hand back and studied the sticky, white fluid covering his finger and part of me wanted to lean down and take a taste. But then Hawke’s eyes lifted to meet mine and I couldn’t move, could barely breathe. Because the emotion that hadn’t been there before was flooding his gaze now.
Regret, longing, need. It was all there in spades.
And in that moment, I knew I would give him anything he wanted. Because I knew what he was feeling. How many times had I been there myself? So desperate for another’s touch? To feel something besides pain?
Hawke settled his hand on my hip and then he was drawing me forward. I went willingly and when he dropped his mouth to mine, I lifted to meet him. The kiss was achingly tender and sweet and it hit me hard. Harder than a passionate kiss ever could have. Emotion flooded my system all at once and it took everything in me not to cry as Hawke cupped the back of my head to keep me from escaping. But I had no intention of going anywhere and I wasn’t about to let him go either so I wrapped my arms around his neck. And when he finally probed the seam of my lips with his tongue, I opened instantly. Even though the kiss was deeper, it was still painfully gentle and the moment Hawke released my mouth so we could catch our breath, I buried my face against his neck so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself. Hawke’s arms closed around me and he held me like that even as the bathroom began to fill with steam from the hot water that was still raining down just behind me.
It could have been minutes or hours before Hawke gently pushed me back enough so that he could reach for the hem of his own shirt. I’d wondered if the burn marks on his face extended down the rest of his body, but I only barely noticed that they did when he pulled the shirt over his head. He was as perfectly built as I’d suspected, but my eyes immediately went to the tattoo scrawled across the left side of his chest. Words – dozens of them – covered the muscles just above his left nipple and continued all the way down to his waist. I didn’t get a chance to study them, though, because Hawke bent to push his pants off and then he was drawing me back into his arms, his mouth closing over mine. I felt the burn scars as I put my hands on his sides, but I didn’t focus on them as Hawke kissed me because his mouth was doing things to me that I wouldn’t have thought possible. True, I’d only ever been kissed by Reggie, but I wouldn’t have ever guessed a person could say so much with something as simple as a kiss. But nothing about Hawke was simple and I knew in my gut that no other kiss would ever feel like Hawke’s.
Hawke kept the kiss short and I had a terrible fear that he would leave me when he drew back a little bit so I closed my hand around his bicep. “Don’t go,” I whispered desperately.
Hawke didn’t respond to my plea with words, but when he kissed me again, I knew he wasn’t leaving me. He turned me and urged me into the shower and then he was climbing in behind me. The hot water felt like heaven against my skin, but did nothing to minimize my growing desire. I was facing the wall as Hawke got into the shower, but when I tried to turn to face him, his hand settled on my upper back. I barely felt the cold of the tiles pressed against my chest as Hawke’s body lined up with mine, his half hard cock nudging my ass. At that point, I didn’t care how much it would likely hurt if he fucked me again – I just wanted to keep feeling his skin against mine. Lips skimmed the back of my neck as hands trailed along my sides and came to rest on the fronts of my thighs. They stayed there for a moment before sliding up my groin, brushing over my swollen cock and then palming my chest.
I let out a protest when they disappeared altogether and Hawke put some space between us. I felt the hot water hit my back and for a second I was afraid Hawke had left me, but a glance over my shoulder had me realizing he was reaching for the small container of body wash on one of the shelves in the shower. And then Hawke’s hands were back on me, his soapy hands washing me. I groaned at the feel of his fingers gently massaging me and when his hand slipped between my ass cheeks to clean me, I felt nothing but pleasure. The gentle torment continued when he turned me around and washed my front. He touched every part of me except my aching cock and I couldn’t help but wonder if the idea of touching my dick repulsed him. I let my eyes drift down his body and was glad to see that his dick was half-hard. I was tempted to reach for it so I could feel how the thick flesh felt, but I didn’t want to do anything to stop Hawke’s ministrations so I remained where I was and let my eyes drift closed.
“Tate,” I eventually heard Hawke whisper against my ear just before a soapy hand closed around my dick. I cried out at the contact and Hawke stole into my mouth. His grip on my cock was firm and he began dragging up and down it with agonizingly slow pulls. As Hawke’s tongue sensually played with mine, his hand followed suit and he drove me higher and higher until I was helplessly thrusting against his hand. I settled my hands on his shoulders to keep myself upright. Hawke’s free hand was braced against the wall next to me and I could hear his own breathing increasing as he began stroking me in earnest. He dragged his lips from mine and rested his face against mine as we both looked down to where his hand was frantically jerking me off. I could feel the orgasm building in intensity and a shiver of fear went through me as it grew and grew, but didn’t crest. I needed to come so badly, but I couldn’t.
“Hawke,” I cried in frustration.
“It’s okay, Tate,” Hawke said against my mouth. “I’ve got you.”
I felt Hawke shift his hand just slightly and I gasped when I felt his dick sliding against mine. I looked down to see him fisting us both at the same time. The contact felt so good that I couldn’t stop myself from reaching down to close my hand over Hawke’s where he held us both. The feel of his strong fingers did me in and I cried out in relief as my orgasm crashed over me. It was violent and uncontrollable and if Hawke hadn’t wrapped his free arm around my waist at that exact moment, I
wouldn’t have been able to stay upright. I felt Hawke moan against my neck as he followed me over and despite the hot water raining down over us, I still felt our combined releases sliding down my dick. I released the hold I had on Hawke’s hand and wrapped both my arms around him as I rode out my orgasm. His body shook beneath my touch as aftershocks rocked through him and despite my still sore ass, I wished he’d been inside of me when he’d come. Because as close as we were in that moment, it wasn’t enough.
It would never be enough.
* * *
I stayed in the shower for several minutes after Hawke cleaned us both off and then kissed me gently before climbing out and grabbing a towel to dry himself off. After grabbing his clothes off the floor, he’d left the bathroom without a word or a look back and I’d started to feel so cold inside again that I’d known no amount of hot water would warm me up.
I took my time getting dried off and since I hadn’t brought any other clothes into the bathroom with me, I was forced to put my jeans back on. I left the underwear off though, since they were still damp from the semen they’d collected as I’d pulled them up earlier.
I half expected the room to be empty when I exited the bathroom, but to my surprise, a dressed Hawke was sitting on the edge of his bed, his hands clenched in his lap. His bag and the picture had been moved off the bed at some point. He looked up at me briefly, but I saw none of the pleasure I’d seen in his eyes just a few minutes ago when he’d come in my arms. My intent had been to grab my sweats and go back to the bathroom to change, but one look at Hawke had me moving to my bed and I ignored the pain in my ass as I settled my weight onto the mattress and waited for Hawke to say whatever it was that he clearly needed to say.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered with a shake of his head. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
As much as I would have liked to tell him he hadn’t, he would have known I was lying. There was just no way to deny the rough fucking had been painful, so I told him the truth.
“I don’t regret it.”
His eyes shifted to mine and he finally nodded. “I didn’t use a condom,” he said softly. “I got tested in the military a long time ago and I was negative,” he managed to get out, but then he dropped his eyes once again. “I haven’t been with anyone since Revay. She was the only one I’ve ever been with.”
The admission had me struggling to find words.
“Even after she was gone, she was the only one I ever really wanted,” Hawke continued, his words so quiet I could barely hear them.
“You don’t owe me any explanations,” I finally said, still stunned at what he was telling me. “I tested negative a couple of years ago and haven’t been with anyone since then.”
Hawke nodded and stood up. He turned to climb into his bed and I couldn’t get past how different he seemed. Gone was the confidence, the hardness. Instead, he seemed…broken. I waited until he was under the covers before I stood up and turned off the light on his side of the nightstand. Just as I turned to collect my clothes so I could change, I heard him speak again.
“She’s my wife, Tate.”
Present tense, not past.
A knot formed in my throat at the need in his voice. “I understand, Hawke,” I whispered, hoping my words would ease him in some way. And in that moment, I lost a little bit of my heart to the beautiful brooding man who’d loved his wife so much that even ten years after he’d lost her, he refused to let her go.
Chapter Eleven
Hawke
“Can you pull over at the next rest stop?”
The sound of Tate’s quiet, wary voice jerked me from my daze and I glanced at him, but immediately regretted it because another round of shame flooded my entire system followed by a hearty bout of desire as I remembered the feel of his tight body surrounding me in unfathomable heat.
“Yeah,” I murmured and forced my eyes back to the road.
We’d only been on the road for a couple of hours, but it was more words than we’d spoken to each other from the moment we’d both woken up when the alarm clock on my phone had gone off. Of course, I hadn’t actually been asleep. In fact, I hadn’t been able to find even a few minutes of solace in the darkness of sleep last night after Tate had turned the lights off.
I’d fucked another guy.
I’d betrayed my wife.
I’d hurt Tate.
Under other circumstances, I probably could have dealt with the first one, but I was too caught up in the second and third to even contemplate what the whole thing meant in terms of my sexuality.
Something inside of me had snapped when I’d seen Tate holding Revay’s picture. I’d spent the entire day fighting my growing need for Tate as he’d sat quietly next to me in the car and in that moment, it had all come back in a rush along with a heavy dose of guilt and I’d turned my combined sexual frustration and emotional anguish on Tate. And instead of shoving me away, he’d let me in.
I’d already jerked off in the shower to visions of Tate bent over in front of me, but my already half-hard dick had swelled to painful proportions when I’d seen the permission in Tate’s gaze and I’d known that nothing would stop me from taking what he’d been offering. I’d had no control after that.
Absolutely none.
Not even enough to try to find something to use as makeshift lube. My mind had been screaming at me that using spit to ease my entry into Tate’s body wouldn’t work, but I hadn’t cared. My need had been too great and once Tate’s body had engulfed my aching flesh, I’d been a goner and it had been sheer force of will that had given me the strength to stop when the shame of what I’d done had hit me. And then Tate had looked at me and he’d known what I was going through. One nod granting me permission and I’d unleased everything I had on him and had rutted into him like an animal.
And he hadn’t uttered even a single protest.
Revay and I had tried anal sex once early on in our relationship, but it wasn’t something she’d enjoyed and I’d known it had been uncomfortable for her even with generous amounts of lube. So I had no doubt how much pain my actions had inflicted on Tate. And even if I hadn’t known, I wouldn’t have been able to miss the stiffness in Tate’s gait this morning as he’d gotten ready to go. The only good thing, if there could be such a thing, was that I’d been so consumed with lust that I’d come within less than a minute and a dozen strokes.
Without a condom.
And it had been the most explosive orgasm I could ever remember having.
So not only had I betrayed my wife, the sex had exceeded what I’d had with the woman who’d been my entire world.
I hadn’t been able to stay away from Tate when he’d gotten off the bed to go to the bathroom. All I’d wanted to do was curl into a ball and drown myself in memories of Revay, but my guilt had been a living thing and I’d forced myself to get up and follow him to make sure he was okay. He hadn’t noticed when I’d opened the door and I’d stood there in stunned silence as I’d watched Tate run his fingers over the bruises on his hips where I’d gripped him to keep him from moving away from me. And then he’d looked at me and I’d felt the invisible pull between us that I’d been feeling from the day I’d met him. Everything had floated away in that moment and it had been just me and him, both hurting, both needing something we could only find in each other. So I’d made love to him. Afterwards, I’d wanted to deny that that was what we’d done, but I couldn’t make any other words fit.
It hadn’t been as simple as making out or getting each other off, and it hadn’t been anything like what I’d done to him on the bed because that had been pure, raw fucking. No, it had been more than that. It had been about exploring his body, understanding every line, plane and curve. Feeling every texture, tasting the unique flavors of his mouth, his skin. Hearing every sound he made, the way he begged, the desperation, the way my name sounded when it fell from his lips.
My plan had been to have that moment only be about Tate’s needs, but when he’d struggled to find his own orga
sm, I’d needed more. I’d needed to share it with him, so I’d taken us both in hand and for the third time in less than an hour, I’d come again.
It had been fucking perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
Because the memories had rolled over me like a tidal wave. My beautiful wife, my son, the future I should have had. All of it stolen away by the father and brother of the man who’d just shattered my entire world with three little words.
It’s okay, Hawke.
Three little words that had given me permission to let go of the past for a few minutes, to feel things I’d never expected to feel again…
“Hawke, it’s this exit.”
“Huh?” I managed to say as Tate ripped me from my thoughts for the second time.
“The rest stop,” Tate said quickly.
I managed to jerk the truck to the right before I completely passed the exit and I saw Tate grab onto the armrest as the truck swerved sharply. “Sorry,” I muttered as I maneuvered the pickup to a stop in front of the nearly deserted building that housed the bathrooms.
Tate got out of the car before I even put it in park, but instead of heading towards the building, he started walking in the opposite direction. Concerned, I got out and followed him. He stopped by some picnic benches under a large tree and climbed up on one so that he was sitting on the tabletop. I stopped in front of him, but didn’t speak because I could see from the agitation on his face that there was something he needed to say. I steeled myself for the angry words I knew were coming.
Retribution (The Protectors, Book 3) Page 11