“I promised myself I wouldn’t do this,” Tate murmured as he rubbed his hands together and tapped his foot on the bench. “But I’m fucking scared to death, Hawke.”
His words caught me off guard, but he continued before I could say anything.
“I know you’re messed up about what happened last night, but, please, I need you to be with me one hundred percent before we get to Lulling,” Tate whispered. “Because more than anything right now, I need to know that I’m going home to my son when this is all over.”
God, I was a complete shit.
I mulled over the best words to say as I sat down next to Tate. He was right of course. The events of the night before were a huge distraction for me, but not enough that I wouldn’t have been aware of any danger we were in and I had no doubt that the second we rolled into Lulling, I’d be on full alert. But Tate wouldn’t have known any of that. He’d risked so much to help me and I couldn’t even get myself together long enough to reassure him that I would keep him safe.
Although I’d told myself the night before as I lay sleepless in my bed that I wouldn’t touch Tate again, I did just that and put my hand on the back of his neck. I waited until he finally looked at me before speaking. “I’m with you, Tate. One hundred percent. You are going home to Matty.”
Tate let out a small breath and nodded and I resisted the urge to pull him into my arms. I hadn’t really considered what he was going through as he was forced to face a past that clearly had been hard for him. The few things he’d said about Buck and Denny along with the signs I’d seen that he’d been physically abused were likely just the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention the fact that he’d taken Matty with him when he’d run…I hadn’t wanted to know more of Tate’s story when I’d blackmailed him into helping me, because I wouldn’t have been able to even voice the threat.
But now?
Now I wanted to know. I wanted to understand everything that made this man tick. I wanted to know how someone who’d been raised by a monster like Buck had turned out to be so sweet and giving and so fucking strong.
“Will you tell me about the night you left?” I asked as I forced myself to release my hold on Tate’s neck.
“I didn’t leave, I ran,” Tate said with a slight laugh that held no humor whatsoever. He looked around the quiet rest stop. There were no other cars and the only sound besides the wind blowing through the leaves above us was the din of the Interstate traffic.
“I’d been saving up for almost a year,” Tate said. “I knew I’d need at least a few thousand in the bank to pay for a bus ticket and to get an apartment in the city – I’d figured someplace like Dallas would be a good place to start over.”
Tate had started rocking his upper body back and forth slightly as he spoke. “I worked at a dry cleaning store so I planned to leave on the day I got paid. I cashed my paycheck on the way home – it was only a few hundred dollars but it felt like a million since it was buying me my freedom.”
“How old were you?” I interrupted.
“Twenty-two,” Tate said. “I’d made plans to leave that night. Denny usually passed out after spending most of the night getting high and Buck spent most Friday nights with whatever woman he was fucking at the time. My plan was to go home, lay low until things were quiet and then grab my shit and go.”
“It didn’t happen that way.”
Tate laughed and shook his head. “Not even close. Buck wasn’t home when I got there, but Denny was. Only he wasn’t alone.”
“Matty,” I guessed.
Tate nodded. “I walked into the trailer and the first thing I see is Denny shooting up. And there sitting on the floor in front of the TV is this little kid. I asked Denny who he was, but all he said was that it was none of my business.”
Tate’s agonized eyes shifted to me. “I told myself he wasn’t my problem, that I needed to stick to my plan.” He dropped his eyes to his hands again. “I left him there, Hawke,” he whispered brokenly. “Denny was passed out and the kid was asleep on the floor and I just left. I was so fucking selfish-”
“Hey,” I said, grabbing one of Tate’s clenched hands in mine. “You went back,” I said firmly as I linked our fingers together. “You went back. That’s all that matters.”
Tate nodded and used his free hand to swipe away the tears that had formed in his eyes. “I made it to the end of the driveway before I turned around. I was freaking out that Buck would come home early so I didn’t even wake him up. I just grabbed him and took him. He…he had this huge bruise on the side of his face and I knew I’d made the right choice.”
“What happened after that?”
“He didn’t wake up until we were on the bus. I asked him what his name was, who his mom was, that kind of thing. But he wouldn’t speak to me…not a word. I finally got him to tell me he was three by asking him to hold up his fingers to show me how old he was. Once we got to Dallas, I got us a motel room. He wouldn’t eat or drink anything and he started crying and wouldn’t stop. I didn’t know what to do so I just started talking to him. I told him I was scared too. And then I started talking about all the superheroes I used to read about when I was a kid and he finally quieted.”
“And you gave him your Spiderman doll,” I ventured.
“It was stupid to take the doll when I left, but I’d had it for so long-”
“It’s not stupid, Tate. We hang on to the good things in our life for as long as we can.”
Tate squeezed my hand and gave me a wobbly smile. I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out to wipe away a lingering tear that slipped down his face. He stilled at the contact and I was powerless to tear my gaze from his. Tate was the one to finally break the connection and I felt a tug of pain when he carefully pulled his hand free of mine.
“Matty finally started talking to me a few days after I took him. He told me his name was Matthew, but he didn’t know his last name or his mom’s name. I kept hoping he’d remember them eventually, but if I even asked him about the day he showed up at my house, he’d shut down. I thought about going to the police, but I was afraid they’d arrest me for kidnapping,” Tate explained.
I nodded in understanding because my guess was that was exactly what would have happened. “What happened after that?”
“I managed to find a job with a guy who landscaped yards. It wasn’t an actual company or anything, just his personal business, so he let me bring Matty with me on jobs in the beginning until I found him daycare and he paid me under the table. I started looking for an apartment, but since I needed money for the security deposit and first month’s rent, I needed to get to my savings account. They didn’t have any of my bank’s branches in the Dallas area so I opened a new account and submitted a request to transfer the money. It…it never occurred to me…” Tate said quietly before his voice dropped off completely.
“What?”
“Matty and I were on our way back to our motel and I saw them.”
“Buck and Denny?” I asked solemnly.
Tate nodded. “They were standing outside our room and the door was open. They were talking to a maid. I picked up Matty and ran. I’d made a habit of carrying a change of clothes for Matty and myself back and forth to work and Matty never went anywhere without his doll and his teddy bear so that was all we had.”
“You think someone at your bank in Lulling told Buck where you were?”
“I don’t have proof, but I think it was my ex, Reggie. He was a teller at that bank.”
“Did you get the money at least?”
Tate shook his head. “I was too afraid that they’d be able to track me, even if I just checked to see if the money had been transferred. I had enough on me to get me and Matty to El Paso, but we only stayed there for a few weeks…long enough for me to earn enough money doing odd jobs. Then we moved again. Albuquerque, Denver, Salt Lake City…once we reached San Francisco, I knew I had to take a chance and settle down long enough for Matty to have some normalcy in his life.”
Tate look
ed at me, his eyes shrouded with uncertainty. “I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, Hawke. What if the running, the hiding, are all Matty remembers?”
I wanted to reach for Tate again…badly. But I kept my hands clasped together in front of me as I pinned him with my gaze. “Matty’s an incredible kid, Tate. He’s happy, sweet, funny, kind-hearted…that doesn’t just happen. He’s like that because of you – because of everything you did for him. The only thing he’s going to remember from all this is how amazing his Dad is.”
A small smile graced Tate’s mouth and I desperately wanted to lean in and kiss him. I had no doubt that he would have let me. I suspected Tate knew my train of thought because he sucked in a breath and stared at my mouth. I nearly groaned when he parted his lips and his tongue darted out to moisten them. God, how I’d loved kissing him last night.
“We should get going,” Tate murmured and then he was dragging his eyes away. He climbed off the picnic table and cast a glance over his shoulder at me. I climbed to my feet, but as he began walking towards the car, I reached out to grab his arm.
“You mind driving for a bit?” I asked as I fished the car keys out of my pocket and held them out.
He studied me for a long moment and then nodded. I gave him the keys and followed him back to the truck. My eyes grew heavy as Tate got us back on the road and even though I tried to focus on the scenery flying by, I couldn’t stop myself from turning my head to watch Tate. He glanced at me and shot me a sweet smile and my last thought before my eyes drifted shut was how right it felt to have him looking at me like that.
Chapter Twelve
Tate
I needed to get a grip. That was all there was to it.
Easier said than done as I cast another glance at Hawke as his eyes closed and his features relaxed enough that the never-ending look of pain that always seemed to be etched into every line of his face finally disappeared. I forced my attention back to the road even though all I really wanted to do was reach over and touch Hawke. It didn’t matter where…I just wanted to feel him.
Which was exactly why I needed to get a grip. Because while my heart was doing crazy ass flips in my chest at the memory of Hawke’s hand on my neck and his fingers wrapped around mine, I needed to remember that last night was a mistake. Hawke hadn’t wanted me, not really. Even if by some chance he was bisexual, it didn’t mean he wanted to be with me…at least not in the way I needed. I was a means to an end for Hawke, nothing more, and last night had only been about him needing release. If we were lucky enough to find Buck and Denny and Hawke did what he needed to do, I doubted it would really change anything for him. I’d seen the proof for myself.
That single chair in his house facing the picture.
I couldn’t compete with that. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. Loving someone that much...
I shook my head and focused on the road in front of me. I wasn’t ready for this. I never would be. Even the lure of not having to worry about Buck and Denny finding me and Matty someday wasn’t enough to ease my fear.
“Hey.”
I turned to see Hawke watching me, his eyes heavy with exhaustion. “It’s going to be okay,” he said softly and I held my breath when he reached out to gently pull my right hand free of the steering wheel that I’d been gripping so hard the skin over my knuckles had gone white.
I nodded and held my breath as he linked our fingers together. He stared at our joined hands where they were resting on the armrest and I waited for him to pull away. But he didn’t. He merely closed his eyes again and when I went to shift my hand into a more comfortable position, he tightened his grip on me, refusing to let me go.
I couldn’t help but smile.
Yeah, I was fucked. Totally and completely.
* * *
Hawke woke up the second I slowed the truck down several hours later to stop for gas. I missed the warmth of his hand when he released me and straightened in his seat.
“It’s ten more miles to Lulling,” I said. “Can you take over?” I asked.
He nodded. “You okay?”
No.
“Yeah.”
Hawke tilted his head at me knowingly and I chuckled. “Okay, no,” I admitted. “But I will be,” I said as I met his probing gaze. He nodded and got out of the truck. I got out and went to the passenger side and searched out my phone so I could call Ronan. I’d already talked to Matty twice today, but I needed to hear his voice one more time.
“Hey Tate, how’s it going?” Ronan asked as soon as he answered.
“Good,” I said, though I knew I hadn’t managed to keep the shakiness out of my voice because Ronan was quiet for a long moment before he responded.
“Everything okay?”
“Um, yeah,” I said. “We’re just about to drive into Lulling and I…I…”
When I couldn’t finish the sentence, Ronan said, “Hold on, okay?”
I nodded even though I knew it was stupid since Ronan couldn’t see me. I sucked in several deep breaths to try to keep my tears at bay.
“Daddy?”
A knot of emotion got stuck in my throat at the sound of Matty’s voice, but before I could answer him, my phone switched to video and I saw Matty’s smiling face. “Hi Daddy!” Matty said with a huge grin.
“Hi, buddy,” I managed to grate out.
“Daddy, look,” Matty said and then he was turning the camera’s view and I laughed at the sight that greeted me. Both Seth and Ronan were sitting in full costume next to Matty’s hospital bed. Seth was dressed as Spiderman and Ronan was covered from head to toe in a green muscle suit. He was holding a Hulk mask in his hand. I started laughing and when Hawke got into the truck a second later, I handed the phone to him. He smiled and I heard the phone click as he pushed a couple of buttons.
“You better not have just taken a picture!” I heard Ronan call out as the image on the phone changed back to Matty. Hawke shifted in his seat so Matty could see both of us.
“It’s costume day,” Matty announced and then the image wobbled for a moment and I could tell either Ronan and Seth was now holding the phone so we could see all of Matty. I’d expected to see him dressed as Iron Man or Captain America, but he wasn’t.
He was Hawkeye.
I shifted my gaze to Hawke whose eyes had warmed over with emotion. “You look great, Matty,” Hawke said, though his voice was hoarse. He shot me a quick glance and I felt my heart clench at what I saw. Not pain, not anguish…happiness. Genuine happiness.
“Did you catch the bad guys yet?” Matty asked and Hawke ripped his gaze from me and focused back on Matty.
But he seemed to be struggling to speak so I said, “Not yet, buddy, but soon.”
“And then you’ll come home?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah, then I’m coming home.”
“Hawke too?”
Fuck, now I was the one who couldn’t speak.
“We’ll see,” Hawke hedged, his voice still not quite right. Luckily, we were saved from the additional questions I knew would be forthcoming when Matty looked off screen as Seth said something to him.
“Daddy, we gotta go…the parade’s starting! Love you!” Matty said in a rush and then he was climbing off the bed. The video switched to Ronan and despite his ridiculous get up, his face was somber.
“You guys be careful.”
“We will,” Hawke said firmly. Ronan stared at the screen for just a moment before nodding.
“Call us tonight.”
And with that, the call ended and Hawke handed me the phone. He straightened in his seat and started the truck. But instead of putting the car in gear, he just sat there. He didn’t look at me when he said, “Thank you, Tate.” Then he put the car into drive and that was it.
We didn’t speak again until we passed the sign welcoming us to Lulling.
Chapter Thirteen
Hawke
The anticipation I should have felt as we rolled into Lulling was surprisingly non-existent and I knew why. Because of the man
sitting next to me. Because of the feelings he’d started to stir in me.
And with those feelings came a bone-deep fear that I hadn’t felt in ten years. Not since those final moments as I’d carried Revay through the smoke and flames of what was left of our house and I’d known I wouldn’t be able to make it to the front door. But back then there’d been half a dozen firemen who had been able to pull us out of the wall of flames. The only thing that stood between Tate and whether or not he would get to go home to his son was me. It was a burden I wasn’t sure I could carry…or that I even wanted to.
“Turn in here,” I heard Tate say, though he sounded far away. I glanced at Tate who was sitting stiffly in the passenger seat. At some point he’d grabbed the arm rest on the door and I could see his bloodless fingertips digging into the smooth material. His left hand was fisted and rubbing up and down his thigh. I was tempted to reach for him, but decided against it. I needed to be on full alert. I kept my eyes on the road as I reached behind my back to pull out my gun and I ignored Tate’s sharply indrawn breath as I settled it in my lap.
The driveway Tate had pointed to wasn’t really a driveway at all. With the overgrown trees and brush, it barely counted as a road. Tree limbs and branches dragged over the truck as I tried to avoid some of the bigger ruts in the muddy road. The sound of wood scraping over metal was eerie and I could see Tate’s breath ratcheting up as the overgrown vegetation blocked out much of the sunlight as we made our way farther down the path. The dense greenery wasn’t a good sign that we’d find what we were looking for and that fact was confirmed a moment later when we finally entered a clearing and saw a doublewide mobile home that had vines and bushes growing all around it. Junk and trash littered the entire front yard and there was a rusted out older model sedan sitting off to the side on blocks, its engine gone.
Retribution (The Protectors, Book 3) Page 12