“What are you doing here?” I asked. A tremor of fear went through me as I quickly said, “Are Tate and Matty okay?”
“They’re fine. Tate made it home with no problems and Matty’s ANC count finally normalized a couple days ago. ANC stands for-”
“Absolute neutrophil count,” I interrupted. “His white blood cell count had to get back to normal after the chemo killed all of them. That’s why he had to stay in the Immunocompromised Services Unit at the hospital for so long after the chemo was finished. He was too susceptible to infections.”
Ronan didn’t respond so I glanced over at him. He was watching me with a mix of curiosity and pity and I turned back to focus on the horizon. There was no reason to explain that from the moment Matty had been admitted, I’d researched everything I could about his condition. Because Ronan would want to know why.
And I didn’t have an answer for that.
Well, that wasn’t quite true. I hadn’t had an answer five weeks ago when I’d started researching the disease, but I had one now.
“He was released yesterday,” Ronan said.
I nodded in understanding. Matty would only be out of the hospital for a week or so and then the whole process would start all over again. More chemo, more tests, more pain. My heart ached as I thought of all he and Tate would have to endure over the next six months. And a healthy outcome wasn’t even a certainty.
“Why are you here, Ronan?” I asked tiredly.
“Why are you?”
When I glanced at him, he said, “I know you’ve been talking to Daisy. She found information that proves Ricardo Davos is in Laredo.”
It shouldn’t have surprised me that Ronan would know everything Daisy had told me. “Then you know that she didn’t find any proof of Buck or Denny being part of Davos’s crew,” I said.
“Which is why I’ve spent the past three weeks monitoring your GPS so I would know when to send someone down there to back you up.”
“What about whoever it is you have watching me?” I shot Ronan a glance and wasn’t surprised to see not even an ounce of guilt. “Who is it?” I asked.
“Mav.”
I nodded. Mav was a good guy to have your back. I hadn’t been one hundred percent sure that I was being watched…it had been more of a feeling than anything else. But it hadn’t surprised me that Ronan would take whatever steps necessary to make sure I was covered.
I’d planned to leave for Laredo the day after Tate had left, but I’d ended up putting off the trip until I’d gotten more information from Daisy. I’d gotten that information the very next day, but three weeks later and I still hadn’t been able to bring myself to get in the truck and go.
And I had no idea why.
“Talk to me, Hawke,” Ronan said quietly.
I sighed and shook my head. “I thought this place was so cool when my mom and I moved here,” I mused as I scanned the property. “And then she was gone and I was left with him. I tried running away once – a few weeks after she died. I didn’t even make it to the end of the driveway before he came after me. He locked me in a closet for three days.”
I ran my hand along the back of my neck in agitation as I remembered that day. And then I remembered that I wasn’t alone so I dropped it and forced my tense body to relax. “Then I met her and everything changed.”
A dull pain settled in my chest as I remembered Revay’s smile as she’d asked me if she could sit with me at the lunch table the same day we’d met for the first time. I turned to look at Ronan. “She was my best friend, Ronan. She was the only good thing in my life and I failed her.”
“You didn’t fail her, Hawke.”
I blew out my breath as I realized I would never be able to make the man next to me understand.
“You think I should be able to just let her go,” I finally said. “I should just move on.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“If it were Seth, if you lost him, could you do it? Could you just let him go?”
Ronan shook his head. “No, never,” he admitted. “But let me ask you this, Hawke. Did Tate ask you to let Revay go?”
I shot Ronan a glance. “What?”
“Did he ever ask you to choose?”
I thought back to my conversations with Tate and realized that he hadn’t. All he’d ever done was ask about Revay…like he’d wanted to know more about her. I’d been the one who’d decided I needed to choose between them.
“What if I always see her when I look at him?” I asked. My voice shook as a terrible shame swept through me. “What if I’m with Tate and I start wishing it had been him instead of her?”
I blinked back the tears that threatened as I considered what it would be like if Tate were gone and I shook my head violently. “No,” I whispered, realizing I’d answered my own question. Just like I couldn’t choose Tate over Revay, I wouldn’t have been able to choose her over him either. The sick what if game was messing with my head so I climbed to my feet and hurried down the steps and just began walking.
“Why did you hang on to this house, Hawke?”
“What?” I asked as I looked over my shoulder at Ronan who was following me.
“Your uncle’s house,” Ronan said as he motioned to the weathered structure behind me. I turned around to face the house that wasn’t really a house anymore it. It was just some lumber held together by a few nails. I hadn’t been inside the house even once since I’d left with Revay for Georgia, but I had no doubt it was just as much of a mess on the inside as it was on the outside.
I’d inherited the house after my uncle had died, but I hadn’t ever given much thought as to what I should do with it. But I knew the answer to Ronan’s question. I’d kept the house because despite all the bad memories it held for me, there was one really good one.
Revay.
Just like I’d crawled through her window so many times in the dead of night, she’d done the same thing. My eyes fell to the first floor window that had been my bedroom. I’d always been in so much pain after one of my uncle’s beatings, both physically and emotionally, and she’d always been there, curled at my back, her slim arms holding me tight. She’d promised me we would always take care of each other and then she’d sung songs to me – songs she’d made up – until I’d fallen asleep.
“I don’t want to ever forget,” I admitted to Ronan, though I doubted he understood what I meant. It didn’t matter because I did. It was the same reason I’d kept the house Revay had inherited from her parents…the one we were going to raise our family in. But I hadn’t turned it into a home for myself. I’d left it as a shrine to her, to what we should have had together. I’d become stuck in time because it was the only way I could keep her close to me.
And I’d used my promise to her that I would find the men who’d hurt her as a way to get through each day. Because if I hadn’t had that need for vengeance, I wouldn’t have had a reason to go on.
But now I had a new reason.
“He’ll never forgive me,” I said softly. “The things I said about not really seeing him and Matty…”
“You’ll never know unless you ask him,” Ronan said as he came to stand next to me.
I shook my head even as a painful rush of hope swept through me. “I can’t,” I barely managed to say. “I have nothing to offer him. He doesn’t even know what I’ve been doing for a living these past six years.”
Ronan put his hand on my shoulder. “Let him make that choice, Hawke.”
Denial reared its ugly head, but the aching need to know if I had a chance at finally having the life I wanted won out and I reached for my phone. My fingers were actually shaking as I tried to bring up the browser. “Um, I need to reserve a flight.”
Ronan’s hand closed over mine. “Seth and I chartered a jet,” he said. “Matty wanted to bring Bullet with us.”
I stilled as Ronan’s words sank in and then my heart began pounding in my chest. “They’re here?” I whispered in disbelief.
I brushed past Ronan e
ven as he nodded, and began running. It took less than a minute to get through the woods that separated the two houses and when I rounded mine, I came to a thudding halt as I took in the sight before me. I only noticed Seth and Mav in my periphery because my eyes fell on Tate and Matty where they were bent over Bullet who was sitting in front of them, his big tail thumping on the dusty driveway. The German Shepherd saw me a second later and came running at me, but I kept my eyes on Tate and Matty as they both straightened. I locked eyes with Tate as he drew Matty back against him and dropped his hands on his shoulders.
I began striding forward, drawn in by the uncertainty in Tate’s eyes.
Because that was the first thing I needed to change.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tate
I had to remind myself not to squeeze Matty’s shoulders too hard as I watched Hawke stride towards us, his expression unreadable. I’d gone back and forth with myself on whether or not torturing myself with seeing Hawke again was a good idea, but in the end I couldn’t deny my need to lay eyes on him again, even if it was just for a few minutes. But when Hawke didn’t smile or even slow down as he neared us, a terrible fear went through me that I’d made a horrible mistake.
I shook my head as Hawke reached us and said, “Hawke, I’m sorry” but my words were abruptly cut off when Hawke’s lips slammed down on mine. He swallowed my cry of surprise and stole into my mouth as his arms went around me. I recovered quickly and kissed him back, but my heart was pounding frantically in my chest as I struggled to process what was happening.
Hawke released my mouth and clasped my neck between his hands and pressed our foreheads together. “I love you so much, Tate,” he whispered. He leaned in to kiss me again and then his arms wrapped around my shoulders in an almost painful hold. I felt tears threatening as I finally understood what was happening and I curled my arms around his back and just held on to him.
I didn’t think it could get better until he whispered, “Stay with me,” in my ear.
I was too overcome to speak so I just nodded frantically against him, hoping he’d hear my silent answer.
The past three weeks had been an endless struggle from the moment I’d left Hawke’s bed. Matty’s recovery couldn’t have gone any better and I’d been beyond excited that he’d been cleared to leave the hospital for a week, but my joy had been tempered by the fact that my need for Hawke hadn’t dwindled as each day had passed; it had grown and grown into an almost unbearable pain that made even the simplest of tasks a chore. The only time I’d really managed to focus was when the nurses had explained what I would need to do for Matty during the week he was home. Ronan had been by my side as the staff had explained how to change the bandage covering Matty’s central line and the signs to watch for that would indicate any kind of infection. I’d also gotten a rundown of the antibiotics I would need to administer through the central line. I’d been terrified by the prospect of all the things that could go wrong, but one look at my son’s happy face as he’d talked about seeing Bullet again and I’d pushed my fear aside.
And then Matty had started asking if we’d be able to visit Hawke.
I’d explained when I’d gotten back to Seattle that Hawke had had to stay behind so he could keep looking for the bad guys. That had mollified Matty for a few days, but then he’d started asking if we could call Hawke. Luckily, I’d been able to distract him long enough so that he eventually forgot about his request, but even the mention of Hawke’s name would bring a rush of fierce longing and stark fear.
I’d confessed my fear for Hawke’s safety when Ronan had picked me up at the airport and though I hadn’t been one hundred percent clear what kind of professional relationship Ronan and Hawke had, my instincts had told me that Ronan wasn’t the kind of man to sit idly by when one of his friends was in trouble. And I’d been right. That very day, Ronan had told me he was monitoring Hawke’s location and had sent someone to watch Hawke’s back when he went to Laredo.
Only he hadn’t gone to Laredo.
I’d wanted to believe that it was a sign that maybe things could be different for him…for us. That maybe my words the night before I’d left had made a difference. But I’d been too afraid to hope.
Now it was all I felt as Hawke held me against him. I had no idea how long we clung to each other for, but when Hawke put some space between us, I finally remembered Matty and I looked down to see that he’d moved out of the way at some point when Hawke had been holding onto me. I had no idea what to even say to Matty since he’d never seen me act so intimately with another person. But the big grin on his face told me he had no problem with what he’d just witnessed and I guessed it was another thing I had Ronan and Seth to thank for since they were so openly affectionate around one another.
Before I could say anything, Hawke was lowering himself to Matty’s level, but he didn’t say anything. A part of me feared that he wasn’t really seeing my son, but that disappeared when he pulled Matty gently into his arms. I noticed that he was careful not to put too much pressure against the place where the central line was located. Hawke whispered something into Matty’s ear and then carefully lifted him into his arms. He held Matty with one arm and then drew me forward into another hug. A big sigh escaped his lips and his whole body seemed to relax as he held Matty and me close and I smiled because I knew no matter what, we’d figure the rest out.
Together.
***
“Is he asleep?” I asked when Hawke entered the bedroom. I was standing near the window that overlooked the open fields that surrounded the house, but it was so dark that I couldn’t see a thing. There wasn’t even a single light from a neighboring property.
“Yeah,” Hawke said as he closed the door behind him. I couldn’t explain why I was suddenly so nervous. Probably because Hawke and I hadn’t had a chance to talk after he’d kissed me in the driveway. It had been close to dinner time when we’d arrived at Hawke’s place and since he hadn’t had enough food to feed everyone, we’d driven into town and eaten at a family style restaurant. Hawke had sat between me and Matty and while he’d held my hand beneath the table the entire time we hadn’t been eating, he’d spent most of his time talking to Matty. Or listening, rather. Matty had talked almost nonstop about everything that had happened to him while he’d been in the hospital and had proudly showed off his little bald head and his central line. Then the discussion had turned to Matty’s newest obsession with the X-Men superheroes that Ronan and Seth had introduced him to. And throughout it all, Hawke had done more than just listened. He’d asked Matty endless questions and heaped so much praise on my little boy for how brave he was, that I’d felt my love for Hawke go to a whole new level, something I wouldn’t have even thought possible.
It had been late by the time we’d left and while Seth, Ronan and Mav had gone to the motel they’d booked, there’d been no question about where Matty and I would be staying. Matty hadn’t even put up much of a fuss when he’d realized Bullet would be going with Seth and Ronan. Once we’d arrived back at Hawke’s place, I’d given Matty a bath while Hawke had prepared the bedroom next to his for Matty. The pink walls had led me to suspect it was his wife’s childhood room, but I hadn’t been brave enough to ask Hawke. He’d opened a window to get the room aired out and I’d heard him feverishly vacuuming during the nearly hour Matty spent in the tub. There hadn’t been even a speck of dust that I could see when I’d finally led Matty into the room. Hawke had joined us, Spiderman doll in hand, and had thanked Matty for gifting him with the doll to catch bad guys. He’d glossed over Matty’s questions about whether he’d caught the bad guys and had sat on the bed to watch as I’d given Matty his meds and changed the dressing on his central line. He’d ended up asking several questions as I’d worked. And when Matty had insisted that Hawke was the one to read him his bedtime story, Hawke had readily agreed and I’d been dismissed.
“He told me I should get a dog,” Hawke said as he came up to me and stood at my back. His arms went around me and
his lips settled against the pulse point at my neck. “I told him I’d talk to you about it.”
“It’s your decision,” I said with a laugh.
Hawke turned me in his arms. “It’s our decision, Tate,” he said firmly. “I want us to be a family.”
I swallowed hard as my throat closed up. But I must have been quiet for too long because Hawke dropped his arms. “You don’t want that, do you? This was just a visit-”
I grabbed Hawke and kissed him to shut him up. His fingers were biting into my upper arms where he was holding on to me when I released him and I whispered, “I want it. God, I want that so badly.”
Hawke let out a rush of air and then he was wrapping his arms around me. “I missed you so much.”
“Me too.”
He pulled back enough so that he could look at me. “The stuff I said about not seeing you-”
I shook my head and placed my fingers over his lips. “I know you do,” I said. “You never have to hide her from us, Hawke. You never have to hurt by yourself when you think of her or your little boy. You can share them with us as much or as little as you want.”
Hawke nodded and I could see him blinking back tears. “I’ve been so afraid that I would start forgetting things about her so I tried to keep her with me. And then I met you and I thought I would have to let her go to be with you and I couldn’t-”
Hawke’s voice cracked as he shook his head. “I just couldn’t do that to her, you know?”
I nodded. “I know, baby,” I said as I pulled him against me and wrapped my arms around him. “She’s a part of you and that makes her a part of us. I love you so much.”
“I love you,” Hawke whispered. He drew back and took my hand and led me to the bed. He kissed me, but kept it chaste and tugged me until I was sitting next to him on the mattress. He shifted so that he was facing me. “I need to tell you something…it’s about what I do for a living.”
Retribution (The Protectors, Book 3) Page 20