Memoirs of a Superior

by Prosser, Lord David

  MEMOIRS OF A SUPERIOR

  By DAVID PROSSER

  Copyright @ 2013, David Prosser

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews

  Memoirs of a Superior.

  By David Prosser

  Date of Publication 2013

  Kindle Edition

  Other books by David Prosser:

  My Barsetshire Diary

  ISBN: 9781456479770

  The Queen’s Envoy

  ISBN: 9781447511816

  More Barsetshire Diary

  ISBN: 9781447734420

  Dedication

  This Book is dedicated to Julia Prosser 1956 – 2013

  The gentlest of souls.

  Table of Contents

  Introduction

  Rebuffed

  Oscar Gives Fair Warning

  An Injury

  Oscar Gives a Gift

  The Postman’s Foot

  Sock it to Me One More Time

  The New Girl in Town

  Funday

  If it’s Tuesday it Must be Fish

  Education of the Longlegs

  Introducing Millie with her Help Column

  The Saga of the Red Thing and the Prison Camp

  Coming Home Hotfoot

  Superior 1 - Dog 0, Lesson Learned

  Bad Longlegs

  The Cat in the Hat

  The Alarm Clock

  Kidnapped and Sore Pads

  The Master Plan

  Millie’s Problem Page

  Paws for Thought

  Camera Shy Cat

  Managing My Longlegs

  Lesson and a Stroll

  Rich Cat, Poor Cat, Beggar Cat,THIEF.

  Balance is Restored

  The Superior Sense of Smell

  Gifts for the Longlegs of the Night

  Good Morning Mr. Magpie

  Longlegs Fights and Food Gifts

  Lessons Learned by Longlegs

  Oscar’s New Found Fame

  Oscar’s Alarm Call

  Oscar’s Puzzlement

  Sometimes………

  Oscar’s Wisdom

  A Dish of Revenge

  Oscar's New Seat

  Oscar's Bewilderment

  Practical Oscar

  The Her is Still Missing

  Return of The Her. Or is It ?

  Oscar and the Wiseguy

  Cat in the Dog House

  Oscar and the Wet Water

  Oscar's Upside Down Day

  Oscar's Day of Chaos

  Peace Reigns for Oscar

  Testing Oscar's Will

  Oscar's Lessons

  Oscar and the Fox

  Oscar and the Pampered Puss

  Oscar and the Bouncer

  W C A T Radio Interview with Sir Oscar

  Oscar and the Clean Shirt

  Oscar Makes His Bed

  Oscar Pays All Debts

  Oscar is Bested

  Oscar Becomes a Hero

  Millie's Agony Aunt Column

  Oscar Has a Dream

  Oscar Takes up Knitting

  Oscar Views History

  Oscar's Take on Language

  Oscars Perception of Youth

  Oscar is Insulted

  Oscar on TV

  Oscar on Design

  Oscar's Protest

  Sunshine Oscar

  Oscar on Love

  Oscar's Boredom

  Oscar on Money

  Usurpers

  Tale of a Tail

  Fair Play for Rats. An appeal by Penny and Amy

  Strange Start to the Day

  Confrontation and Lies

  Oscar Gets Needled

  My Holiday in Prison

  Undefeated with a Dignified Retreat

  Oscar's New World Order

  Oscar Gets a Kitten

  A Black Day for Oscar

  Our Hero Returns

  Oscar's Night-Time Adventures

  Introducing the Family. By Amy

  Compromises and Adjustments

  Oscar's Lazy Day

  Oscar's Joke

  Oscar and the Day of Accidents

  Penny and the Day of Reason

  Honest Oscar. Would you buy a used car from this cat?

  Oscar and the Hangover

  Oscar and The Flying Fish

  Ding, Dong, Dell

  Manners. Oscar Cogitates

  Oscar in the Wars Again

  Oscar and the Degus

  A Time for Change

  The Trouble With Birthdays

  The Birthday Surprise

  Good Day Dawning

  Degu or Not Degu. That is the Question

  Talent Will Out

  The Holiday Lie

  Hello, allow me to introduce myself.

  I am Oscar, a superior living in the home of my Longlegs

  whom I refer to as My ‘The Him’ And ‘The Her’.

  He doesn’t seem to do much but sit with a pen in his hand and

  she drives me scatty with the rodents she brings home. Or she

  has recently anyway.

  Provided they feed me on time I’m very easygoing with them

  both though I do have fun

  Sometimes waking My ‘The Him’ up if he forgets my food or

  even if I just want a hug.

  Welcome to my adventures which I hope you’ll enjoy, and also

  my words of wisdom which I hope you’ll follow.

  Let’s not waste any more time and just get on with the

  book…………..

  (back to the top)

  Rebuffed

  It was still dark this morning when I decided to wake 'The Him' who lives in my home.

  I could hear a strange and loud purring coming from his place of sleep but it stopped when I jumped on his chest. He sat up in shock and I told him it was time to stroke me as I deserve. He made some strange noise with his mouth and his whiskers quivered but he did stroke me. It was fine for a while but I soon got bored and told him so by biting his hand. He understood and stopped. I did get off his sleeping place in a hurry though in case he barked any more strange noises at me.

  I realised it was time for food and as I can't manage to wake 'The Her' I had to return to the sleeping place of 'The Him', he'd gone back to sleep. How could he, didn't he know I wanted food?

  I jumped onto his chest again and started to explain my tummy was empty. Yet again he sat up and I found myself sliding down his chest to his lap. He purred something and I heard my name mentioned very loudly, but he swung his legs out giving me chance to jump off and lead the way to my dishes. He followed.

  I saw 'The Him' pick up my dishes and take them away . A minute later he brought them back clean and emptied some food into one and water into the other. Water huh, I suppose it will do. He left me to eat in peace. When I'd had enough I went to thank him and all he did was pull his bedding around him. I purred my thanks and left to have a sleep.

  I went to ‘The Her’s' bed. I know she will let me sleep and not disturb me.

  After a little sleep I woke up and stretched as I do. 'The Her' was also waking up. I wished her good light and she stroked me. It was nice, especially when she rubbed inside my ears. I purred at her. I also said "Thank you" even though it was no more than my due, after all we have to show the Longlegs that we have manners.

  She left her sleeping place and I saw her go to my dishes. I saw her take them away again and then return with them clean again. Then I saw her put more food and water in. Two first
light meals in a day, wonderful. " The Him' was up and had his fur on, she went to him and pointing at my dishes made loud noises at him. Then she returned to me and stroked me. I jumped off her sleeping place and with a purr left to eat my new first light meal.

  Sometimes the Longlegs can be so kind but I think that's because I've trained them well.

  (back to the top)

  Oscar gives fair warning.

  I slept much of the night with 'The Her' snuggled up at my side but there's no fighting nature. I could hear the scuttle of animals in the grass outside and wanted to let them know who's territory it was. I stuck my nose in ‘The Her’s’ ear, she wriggled for a moment but just curled up again. Sterner measures were called for, after all 'The Her' is here to serve me. I licked her nose. She jumped and it was so funny but then settled again. Nothing for it but to bite. I wriggled down her sleeping space, found her pad and bit. The blanket came away and the long legs moved. I heard my name and some other muffled noises as by then I'd sought the blanket again.

  The clearway got opened and I was off like a shot. I could see Ginger on the garden wall and I mewed to remind him who's garden I was in and who was King of it. Then just to be sure I laid a few new markings.

  The I heard the rustle again and stood still waiting to hear where it was coming from. What I had not expected was that it was coming from above. At the last moment I ducked as claws from the fliers wings ran across my back. That was so close.

  I prowled for a while but I was shaking, not that I could let Ginger see that, but luckily the flier must have scared him too as the wall was empty.

  Then at the end of the garden I saw him reappear at the gate so I did my best swagger in that direction and marked the wall beside him. Then turning slowly I made my way back towards the open clearway and food.

  Inside I called out to 'The Her' to let her know I was back and went to check my dishes. Empty again, what are they thinking of ? Sometimes the long legs forget to fill it up as soon as I empty it. I shall have to remind them. 'The Him is close and more fun to wake anyway, and much easier. I sauntered through to his room and he wasn't ready to go with me, at least until I jumped up next to him and rested my paws on his head. Maybe it was a mistake to flex my claws at that moment but the blood was his own fault for moving quickly. I didn't expect it. At least he followed me and as I told him off he filled my dish again.

  Time for a sleep I think.

  Later.

  The Long legs were out when I woke up but returned a little later with others. It was rude that they threw their furs off on my sleeping space even though I had moved to go and see if they had food. I wandered around their feet for a few minutes to see if I could attract a stroke or a scratch by my ears...I love that. But they folded themselves up and sat there talking and making funny little hiccuping sounds of pleasure. I know those sounds, they do it when I chase my tail sometimes. Anyway, there was a smaller 'The Him' long legs and I decided to attract his attention. I placed my front paws on his back legs and stretched out, my claws in and out of their sheaths as usual. It was not as though I was sharpening them but he let out such a howl he scared me. He stood and dropped his hand dish on the floor so I chose to take that as a gift of his meat, picked it up and ran. I heard 'The Her' shout my name but guessed she didn't want to stroke me with others there.

  I went under the sleeping platform 'The Her' uses and enjoyed the ham I'd been gifted with. I may just doze under here for a while.

  (back to the top)

  An Injury

  It's hard to understand the long legs sometimes. Some days they seem to listen to me and other days it's as though I speak a foreign language to them. Sometimes they like the things I do and at other times they don't like anything.

  At light time today I came to my home after a prowl in the dark. ‘The Him’ did not seem glad to open the clearway that lets me out and yet I had given him some head buts to show him he was loved. I know he was in his sleeping place but I was showing I cared wasn't I?

  I came to my home wounded. Ginger had come into my ground and we had fought. A lucky blow from him had opened a wound on my ear. I took it straight to ‘The Her’ to see too but she screamed my name when I jumped up onto the part white fur she had on. I thought the red looked nice on it. She did bathe the ear though for me, but then tricked me into a small space with a catnip treat and locked me in. Then she swung me about and when she opened it again to set me free I was in the home of another Longlegs who had on a white fur.

  I sat there as dignified as always while a ‘Him’ in white fur looked at my ear. I showed no fright when he pointed one of his long silver claws at me, but then he dug it into my ear and I forgot my dignity long enough to turn and swipe my claws across his paw to remind him of who I am. His voice roared in my head and ‘The She’ said “Oscar” in a way that said I had done something wrong. See, it's hard to understand them.

  I was pushed back into the small space and again swung about until I was back in my home with my own Longlegs.

  I went and hid behind the long place they rest on and refused to come out.

  After a while I was bored and decided to eat and then allow them to play with me for a while. I am after all most gracious and forgiving.

  Sticky fur day.

  'The Her' was making strange things. There were strange but fun ripping noises as she put a new coat on something and then held the coat on with stickyness*. And she had a strange claw in her hand that she used to cut the new coat and the stickyness. I rubbed up against her hands to make sure my scent was on these things but also to say "I am here, you must stroke me." I managed to get some of the stickyness on my fur and it wasn't fun when she pulled it off so I walked away and left her.*(sellotape)

  Soon 'The Her' and 'The Him' left through the big clearway carrying whatever was in the new coat and I could hear them making that strange hiccuping sound again. I heard 'The Her' call "Be good Oscar" but what does that mean? I went and lay on her sleeping place for a doze.

  When I woke up the darker time was coming and it was very quiet. I went and had something to eat. There did not seem to be much in my dish so I finished it. Then I went to have a look round my home. The wooden leg of their seating place looked inviting so I sharpened my claws on it in case there were any scuttling things around. One soft thing from a sleeping place had once had flying things there as I found a feather sticking out. Yet when I looked inside after fighting my way in there were no flying things there. They must have been scared by me and flown away. Still at least I had all these feathers to show I'd been doing my job.

  It seemed a long time since my long legs had gone away, and now there was no food in my dish at all. It wasn't right, my care should be most important to them. Why weren't they here and there was no open clearway for me to go looking for them.

  On the floor I saw 'The Her’s' removable paws that she wears in my home. It was time to remind her not to leave me for so long and so I widdled in one to show her she's mine.

  Then I heard a rattle and the freeway opened. My 'The Her' and 'The Him' had returned. I told them off because I had no food in my dish and led them to it. "Poor Oscar" I heard him say and watched him put food in my dish again from a shiny thing in his hand. They are clever I have to say.

  I ate my fill and asked for the little clearway to be opened. I always have to show them as well as they don't seem to understand me. I was just leaving when I saw 'The Her' taking off her removable paws and start to put the ones on that I had marked for her. As I reached the ground outside and readied myself in hunting mode I heard her voice shout my name and she didn't sound pleased. It is not a good time to return now as I have work ahead of me in the dark time, maybe she will be happy if I bring her a gift later and lay it on her soft thing in her sleeping place?

  (back to the top)

  Oscar Gives a Gift.

  My prowl through the grass was successful at early light time. I caught a small running thing. I just knew that I wanted to play with it
but that I had promised a gift for 'The Her.' I jumped up onto the ledge of the clearway and though my mouth was full I still managed to call out my success. 'The Her' would not wake and so it was only fair that this gift when through to the him, after all I had asked four times in the dark for my head to be scratched and stroked and he had done it. Not for long enough but he had understood my orders. Especially the last one to open the small clearway and allow me out.

  Anyway, I walked into his sleeping space calling loudly to him to prepare for the gift I brought. As I jumped up on his platform he woke and slowly opened his eyes. Wider and wider they went. Such strange faces these long legs can pull. I told him of the gift then realising it would be easier without a full mouth I dropped the gift in his lap and explained it was because of his good service. 'The Him' shouted something which I guess was their way of saying thank you and at that moment the stunned gift woke up and ran.

  These Longlegs can move quickly when they want to. 'The Him' shot off his sleeping place and followed the gift out of the door. Naturally I was close behind. When the gift ran in to the big room with sitting places for the long legs I readied myself to follow and show my prowess again but 'The Him' went in and closed the clearway so I could not follow. I sat where I was left and called out that he had forgotten me. He seemed not to hear and I called louder which made 'The Her' come to see me. She ruffled my ears and opened the clearway but I heard 'The Him' call out to her. Too late I was in.

  'The Him' was looking for the gift behind the long seat which was silly as I could smell it behind the thing that gets hot and has fire. I went to get it and it ran again right over 'The Her’s' foot. She made a loud noise.

  'The Him' picked me up and placed me in the food place and closed the clearway. I was not happy. Why do they let the gift run away like this and then they pretend to look for it when I could take them straight to it. I heard a squeak and was pleased that 'The Him' had learned some of my skills and caught the small running thing. After a few minutes, when I heard a clearway being opened and closed, my clearway was opened. I checked the place where the smell had last been but it was gone. 'The Him and The Her' must have eaten the gift. I was pleased that my gift had been so well received but why do they not thank me with a few strokes and some food? They seem to be ignoring me apart from some strange looks they send my way. I think this is ingratitude and might not show off my skills again for them. No more gifts until they learn.