Memoirs of a Superior

by Prosser, Lord David

  Isn't it a life of opposites when Longlegs can't get things right like this. It's what makes me chase dogs when I see them or tease them. They have such an easy time compared to us Superiors. Why, I know one dog that gets carried about all day in a bag. Personally I'd find that humiliating.

  Another thing some Longlegs get wrong is feeding. When I'm at home I've trained my 'The Him' to provide plenty of fresh chicken and my 'The Her' to make sure I get a choice in my sachets of Superior Superiors food. When I go to The Fursty Ferret I've been known to 'Borrow' a salmon but when I go to visit one of my friends places their Longlegs have tried to give me food from a tin and I'm sure it's not even fit for dogs. Of course I have to say thank you to them for trying but I found the best way to train them to buy better is to throw up on a carpet. Make a big show of doing it too so the message sinks in. After all, we're worth it and should have nothing but the best.

  Now I know you don't want lessons all the time but you have to know the serious things, the important things, the things that make our lives as bearable as possible down at this level. So having explained all that I think the only other thing you need to know today is that rest is a necessity. Save yourself for when the Longlegs feel playful, after all it's important to keep the servants happy. I think it's just about time for a rest now, I winder if 'The Him' has got out of my chair. If not I'll have to teach him how to do so when I want it.

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  A Dish of Revenge

  The Longlegs have a saying about revenge being a dish best eaten cold. I think all my dishes are best eaten cold but I don't want you to think I don't understand the saying.

  'The Him' was in his sitting place and because it was hot I went to rest in the shade that was beneath his big feet. 'The Her' required a drink and he got up to make one, choosing to step on my head in the process.

  You superiors will understand that despite him fussing me I could not let this slight pass unnoticed. As soon as he moved away I therefore took his sitting place. It was so warm there but I would not move and let the heat lull me into sleep. He returned with drinks and he WOKE ME ! Maybe he was asking nicely that I move but why?, I was here. I yawned and stretched making sure the maximum display of teeth and claw were on show. Obligingly he sat in the seating place next to me.

  A little later it was necessary to eat. As I stepped gracefully down I heard a cry of “ At last” as he moved from one seating place of mine to another. I was sure the look I gave him would cause him to rethink his strategy but he did not relent. He does like to make mistakes. I returned from eating when I was ready and placed myself on the arm of the seating place next to him. I stared, I stared and I stared. He tried hard not to look but eventually gave way. “No Oscar, this is my chair” he said. I told him whose place it really was.

  I know 'The Him' has troubles, especially after he has had a drink of coffee. It doesn't usually take long and then he runs. Today he sat there. He sat some more and I could see the redness of his face and the agitated crossing of the legs as the situation became more desperate. I lay down and closed my eyes, up he got quietly and started to move crab wise from the room. “Mistake Dear” said 'The Her'. Far enough away I mewed and as he turned round I lifted myself up and dropped from the arm of the seat into his now vacated place.

  He groaned and broke into a funny trot holding his knees together as he moved. As he returned I looked up and offered him another fine expressive yawn. I wonder if I can train him to stand up from my place when I need it now?

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  Oscar's New Seat

  I've decided that my Longlegs love me and at last I must have them trained properly. At least they are showing the proper deference to a superior, or to this one anyway.

  I believe I mentioned there is a sitting place that my 'The Him' and I have had some differences about. Well all that has changed. Though there has recently been a loss in the family and I know they are sad, they have their priorities right as regards me.

  I had taken a walk round my demesne during the light time a few lights ago and had made sure that all the other Superiors were OK and keeping their Longlegs in check. I explained they can be quite unruly and thoughtless if not trained properly. Anyway, I returned home. It was time to eat and I hoped that there was something nice out for me. Fresh chicken preferably. I jumped through the open clearway and walked through to the place of sitting and there they were, 'The Him' and 'The Her' struggling with a large box. I decided to take a rest on my sitting place and watch them struggle, after all I couldn't offer any help. But my sitting place was gone, not there, absent, MISSING !!

  The last piece of box was taken away and I saw a new object appear. It looked odd and I could see it was heavy and in two pieces. 'The Him' slotted one piece onto the other and I saw it was a new sitting place they must have bought for me. It looked nice. It's brown plush and looked warm and cosy. They moved it into place and as they did so I saw my 'The Him' bend down and plug something in. Then he sat down...in my seat. He held something in his hand which I saw him play with and the seat started to move......it flattened out and it made him lie down. I heard him sigh with pleasure.......WITH PLEASURE, AND ME WITH NO SEAT.

  He came upright again slowly and spoke to 'The Her'. “Would you like to try it Dear?” he asked as he stood up. This is when I realised that he must just have been testing it out for me and hopped up on the seat. I remembered to give a grateful purr and settled down to rest. 'The Her' made that funny hiccup sound they make when happy while he walked away with a grunt and an armful of cardboard.

  Later that light I woke up to find 'The Him' sitting in the old seat next to me and 'The Her' on the long seat. As I got off to eat I expected a rush to occupy my place and take in the warmth I had left but all I heard was “ It's grey!! It came here brown and now it's grey. That will take ages to get off. I'm not sitting there !”

  My 'The Her' started to hiccup again and was still doing so when I arrived back and took my place. It doesn't seem to move for me but that's OK as I like it as it is. Such a nice gift I think, and now I know that training pays .

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  Oscar's Bewilderment

  I'm not at all sure what's happening in my world at the moment. I lost a claw some lights ago after having to 'reprimand' a stranger to the village who thought he could help himself to young Thomas II's food. I couldn't allow that. It hurts and I'm limping. 'The Him' has cleaned my foot though he's staying clear since he hurt it while rubbing it as I'm afraid I took my temper out on him.

  I shouldn't have done that as I can sense he's sad at the moment and doesn't have 'The Her' to protect him. Now, that's why I'm not sure my world is al right. Where is she? She was there three lights ago because she woke me up with some groaning noises and 'The Him' came to investigate. I tried to tell him it wasn't my fault but he didn't seem to listen. He didn't even put food in my dish when I asked almost nicely. He bundled 'The Her' up and then he and his brotherfriend took her away with a big bag and didn't bring her back.

  Since then he's been moping about like a motherless kitten and has had to be reminded that I need food. I've even seen him feed the fish and still forget me. I have had to use my good paw to remind him. All he keeps saying is 'well boy she's in hospital' over and over like I understand their tongue well.

  I have seen him go to the wash box and turn it on.......again and again and again. I know he's trying to get the things out but he can't seem to find the handle and keeps pressing the wrong buttons.

  I have been checking the garden to make sure there are no new holes dug just in case he's done something to her. And I have seen him leaving the house everyday since then at the same time but he never brings her back. Maybe I have split them up, but if that's true why has he stayed and she gone? This is a puzzle I don't like.

  One thing that is funny though is to see 'The Him' searching through all the cupboards though in the food room. All I hear is mumbling that sounds like “Where does she keep the c
offee?”

  Sleeping with 'The Him' is not the same at all. He makes grunting noises and disturbs my sleep. He forgets to feed me when I want it and he doesn't seem to be giving me any of the chicken he always brought me before. This is not acceptable.

  I want my life back. I want 'The Her' back so I can snuggle down properly.

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  Practical Oscar

  I'm quite a practical Superior really. I have learned to cope with situations as they arise. Anyone who has read my previous pieces will have noted this.

  My 'The Her' is still not here and I'm having to adapt myself to this situation in a practical way.

  For instance, 'The Him' now has 4 reasons on his ankle to remember when it's bedtime. I mean I can't be expected to go to the sleeping place on my own after always being with 'The Her' can I? So, practical as ever I have that organised now. I find if I go towards him and utter a plaintive cry to make him look, raise my paw before gently washing my face, he gets the message. Training is everything. Once in the sleeping place he lies on his back so I can sit on his chest. I laugh because I can hear him breathe like old bellows but I won't move until I've stared hard and told him I want 'The Her' back. At least I know she's not buried in the garden now and that he says he goes to see her every day..

  Standing in the clearway near the sitting place and giving a cry is a good indicator that I want something. As soon as 'The Him' is on his feet I can lead him to my empty food dish. He seems to think I can manage on one sachet a day. If you could see his stomach you'd know it''s more than one a day for him. If I stood on that at night instead of his chest, I'd need all my claws to cling on and my ears would pop when I came down. I think he needs more exercise like I get and should spend less time in the chariot.

  I don't want it to seem as though I'm moaning. But we Superiors expect certain standards and I only want to keep the Longlegs on their toes. This one couldn’t be on his toes to save his life. But until 'The Her' returns to me he will have to do things the way I want them. Maybe even a little bit longer as I may not talk to her for a while when she comes back . Perhaps I will though as he doesn't snuggle like she does and let me tuck under his chin. It was funny when I tried it though and he wriggled his chin down so I ended up covering his mouth. He coughed and spluttered for ages.

  So, my lesson for today is 'Be Practical'. Accept what the situation is and adapt it to suit you as best you can. Remember though, Superiors must come first.

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  The Her is Still Missing

  So, 'The Her' is still missing and 'The Him' seems to have mastered the washing thing as he's now able to put things in and take them out. I've even seen him with the heavy smoothing thing working on those funny skins that Longlegs wear and take off . Then I see the one who comes in the light time come in and laugh at him and send him away.

  I have to admit that he has been good at getting my food out on time recently and that the choice has been good. I have also seen him feed the swimming things but he never leaves the top open for me to play with them. That would be fun for me but he doesn't seem to consider that.

  During the light time his brother Longlegs comes to pick him up in a chariot and they disappear like 'The Her' but he always comes back, not like her. I wonder where she is and why she left me behind? He always says “Going to the Hospital now Oscar” to me but I don't know what this means. Perhaps he's keeping 'The Her' away from me. Now I think of it, it's her stuff he comes back with to put in the washing thing. She must be his prisoner. Oh, I shall punish him for that when he returns today and let him know I won't stand for this and want her back.

  This light I saw Thomas and Smokie out with Gizmo,Ginger and Tiger and they all asked where my 'The Her' was and it was terrible not to know. Of course I didn't tell them that. I just said I've sent her away for a while. They we're playing in the hot light and then resting under a tree in the shade. Walking back alone past the Fursty Ferret one of the Longlegs who live there brought out a piece of salmon for me. “Oh, poor Oscar” they said. I don't understand why they did it but I won't complain as it tasted rather nice. After eating it I went home and found myself sniffing all 'The Her’s' skins and thinking how nice it would be to snuggle down with her on the sleeping place. It's just not the same with my 'The Him' as he won't let me snuggle under his chin. Still, to be fair I suppose he tries to learn but just isn't very good at it.

  Some Longlegs just don't know how we Superiors should be treated.

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  Return of The Her. Or is It ?

  Well, 'The Her' has returned. He has not harmed her and buried her in the garden as I thought. I still don't trust him though.

  Things have changed though. He is still doing my food dishes and giving me my chicken while she seems to lie down a lot. Also, though she still speaks nicely to me and strokes my coat, she no longer lets me sit on her tummy. I am allowed to snuggle under the covers next to her still but she is all bones these days. I wonder what he's done to her.

  I don't seem able to beg anything off her plate now as she hardly seems to have anything on it any more. Lucky for me that he's an easy target and if he says no I just help myself. I can't run at the moment though as the loss of a claw in the fight has left me with a very sore pad. Still he doesn't usually chase me as he knows what damage I can do with the remaining claws. She does take a lot of little round things with a drink now and I don't think I want any of those off her. They seem to make her want to lie down a lot and if she has a special drink it makes her create a noise and awful smell, 'The Him' usually turns green about then.

  The brotherfriend of 'The Him' who is also a good and dedicated stroker of my coat is funny at the moment too. He is holding his front leg at a funny angle and making strange groaning sounds. He also takes little round things with a drink and seems to fall asleep. I think his paw is hurt like mine. I don't like this as all my special Longlegs can't look after me as they should. There's just 'The Him' left and though he is good it's not the same as getting the full attention from everyone and he seems to be caring for them too as well as me. I have to make sure I don't get forgotten.

  The kitten came this light with her man Longlegs and do you know, they didn't come to me first but went to 'The Her'. I almost had to tell her off but when I started to I could see she wasn't listening to me and stopped. She was holding paws and hugging 'The Her'. I suppose if she hasn't seen her for the same time as me I should forgive her. Only this time mind, next time I shall expect the attention first as is my right.

  It is the dark time now and 'The Him ' and 'The Her' have gone to their resting places. I sense something is not right but I'm not sure what yet. Maybe it is to do with the 'Hospital' I kept hearing about. Maybe that's what's wrong with her. And with small brother too as they talked about him with that . I don't think I like this 'Hospital' much whoever it is.

  Well, time for me to do my rounds and make sure 'The Him' is comfortable so I can sit on him for a while and give him my cold nose. Then I shall go and settle down under the covers with 'The Her' until it's time to go out and make sure the village is safe.

  I was just hearing about a friend called Jenny who chased off a bigger Superior after he tried to horn in on her good little home life with her Longlegs. “Good for her” I said and all the others in the gang agreed. I started off home and saw a large chariot near the front clearway. As I got closer I saw two strange Longlegs carrying like a bed with 'The Her' on it. As I got closer I saw them lock her in and drive away. 'The Him' was standing in the clearway looking sad. So he didn't do something to her, it's others who took her away and she's gone again. Perhaps I'd better be nicer to him now he controls my food.

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  Oscar and the Wiseguy

  'The Her' is home again. It is good to see her but of course I won't let her know that. I shall raise my tail and turn away as if I don't care. She'll be sorry she went away. She'll also be sorry she won't let me sit on her lap
any more. 'The Him' grabbed me in mid air when I tried to jump up but he won't try that again in a hurry. He left the room sucking on a finger he didn't think I could reach.

  It seems I'm in 'The Him's' bad books again too. He had not changed the contents of my litter tray when I wanted to go and I was forced to use a mat in the hall. Terrible reaction as though it was my fault ! There were no open clearways for me to reach the garden either. I'm a superior and did what I had to do. Anyway , it's a good lesson for him to be quicker to see to my needs.

  Out and about in the light I was looking for the gang and came across a newcomer to the village. He was just passing through and though I don't usually talk to dogs I could see this one was unusual. I asked his name and with an accent that shows he's not from my country he told me 'Wise-guy'. I was going to swipe him across the nose for his cheek when he told me that was his name and spelled it for me. Waiskai, but it sounded a little like wise-guy to me so that's what I'll call him. He told me very interesting stories about his Longlegs whom he calls Janet and Don but I can't repeat them here. He said his 'The Her' loves chocolate and hugs though. Strange breed these Longlegs, mine are like that too usually.