“Oscar get down” said 'The Him' brushing me off her knee obviously scared that I was going to charm her and leave with her. Such jealousy, not that I blame him of course, I'm such a catch.
But the large Longlegs bustled out of the clearway alone.
A little bored I decided to take a walk through the village and see that all was well. I got to the Fursty Ferret expecting to be given a morsel but as the Longlegs saw me they slammed the small clearways to the food-place closed and did the same to the large clearway leaving me outside. It was most odd, they must be busy or something. I strolled to the various houses and cottages expecting a grand welcome but got nothing. Even at the house where Thomas II lives, they moved his dish before sending him out to me. Thomas greeted me and I asked him whether the Longlegs were treating him well. He assured me they are. By now all this exercise was making me hungry but it looked as though all clearways were closed to me today. I had no choice but to wander home and sample the beef from my dish. Mmmm beef, and in the food room I know there is chicken waiting in a dish for me. I think I'll stay and not bother looking for a new home, after all I owe these Longlegs something for their service after all this time.
I shall be kind and keep them though I might have to resort to getting my 'The Him' out of his sleeping place a bit earlier. After all, they can't go on taking liberties with me can they?
(back to the top)
Oscar Becomes a Hero
How easily things change. One light time I'm all but invisible in the village and the next I'm the flavour of the week. Though of course that's how it should be really.
I was a little bored and not sure what to do with myself. Outside it was still the dark time and inside there was no light as my 'The Her' and 'The Him' we're still asleep. I'd had some fun unravelling all her knitting , I'd 'borrowed' a few pairs of socks, I'd even knocked two plants off the ledge by the small clearway but now I was bored. It was time for fun with the Longlegs.
I walked through my home to the room where 'The Him' was in his sleeping place making those funny grunting sounds that 'The Her' hates so much. He looked funny sprawled on his back , arms up above his head and one leg hanging out of the covers. It looked a very handy way up so I got a good grip and ran up the leg to the sleeping place. It might or might not have been the fact that my claws were out that caused the “What the?” that I heard but I'm afraid that was soon cut off as I jumped straight onto his stomach bringing forth an “Ooph.” I lay down and started retracting and bringing forth my claws to make him softer ( it never seems to work) until the arms which had now come from near his head started stroking me. But, if he thought he was going to get back to sleep that way he was wrong. I didn't start purring as he'd hoped. I moved higher up his body and connected my head with his chin making him lift his head. I was then able to snuggle under his chin. Unfortunately this didn't seem to please him today, perhaps because I may just possible have been leaning on his windpipe. Totally accidentally you understand.
It took only moments for 'The Him' to decide I wanted something and gently pushing me aside he swung himself off his sleeping place. “Well, what is it you want you rogue?” he asked, probably expecting me to need food. Instead I led him through to the lounge where I made him sit and stroke me for a few minutes. Then, off I jumped and led him to the clearway. “ Hooray!” He said ,”you out and me back to bed.”
That suited me and as the clearway opened out I went. The light time was almost upon us now and I decided to walk to the village. There was no sign of Ginger or the others on my way but there was a lot of fascinating rustling coming from the undergrowth nearby. Lucky for them I'd eaten. I was just level with the Fursty Ferret when I heard a noise. It was a Longlegs scream . It was coming from below the pub. I went to look and the wooden floor outside was open. I could see a female down below shaking with fright at the sight of a rat in the corner. The rat was more frightened than she was but she couldn't see that.
I jumped down and hissing at the rat I lunged and caught it by the neck. “Play Dead” I told it with a muffled voice, my mouth full of rat hair. It went limp. I jumped out of the cellar and deposited it on the ground. “You're the pet of that little girl next door aren't you?” I said, “better get yourself of home before someone comes to check I've finished you off.” He ran home quickly and I went to lean over the edge of the floor.
“Oh thank you Oscar” said the female Longlegs as she recognised me. “how brave you are, I shall get you some salmon , wait there.” And wait I did. It was delicious.
I had just started to leave when there was another Longlegs sound of dismay and before me was one of the old ones looking up into a tree where a kitten sat shivering in the branches. I guessed she wanted the kitten down, probably to treat it with some respect as we Superiors deserve but I know that some kittens while good climbers up, are not good climbers down. I climbed up and found this was the case. Once up there, the little female kitten had found she didn't like the height. Picking her up by the neck as I had the rat I carried her safely down to the ground. The old Longlegs was crying and fussing the kitten who just rolled over on her back to enjoy it. I stood by as proud as I should be until suitable recognition came my way. It did, as the old one finally started fussing me too.
“Oh what a brave, clever cat ( cat ?) you are Oscar” she said, and out of the corner of my eye I saw the now unfussed kitten start heading towards the tree again. “ I won't come after you a second time” I said “back here now please for another fuss.”
The kitten obeyed and was rewarded with another fuss as promised and I even joined in by licking it.
I carried on strolling but met none of the gang and nothing else happened. Getting bored again I decided to head home for food.
As I arrived back and entered through the clearway I saw 'The Him' with a dish. I followed and found he had put me some fresh chicken out. 'The Her' entered and started stroking me.
“Well Oscar, you have been a busy boy this morning. I've been getting phone calls from the village about you.” Before I could deny any wrongdoing, she added “You must be the bravest pussy cat ( why can't people call us Superiors?)( But of course she's right about the bravest) in the village.
So, I'm back on top and in favour again in my rightful position. I can't wait until I tell the rest of the gang later.
(back to the top)
Millie's Agony Aunt Column
Oscar is unable to be with us today. He's asked Millie to fill in for him with her excellent Agony Aunt Column and luckily for us she's agreed or there would be an empty page today.
Dear Millie:
I am a Yorkshire Terrier, and I live with two Long Legs, a cat, and a rabbit. We get along, more or less. Problem is, my Longlegs decided to train the rabbit to walk on a leash. It seems to be the fashion in this part of the world, they all buy leashes for the bunnies and take them to the park. The cat won’t have anything to do with it, of course, but I am expected to put up with walking to the park with my Long Legs, accompanied by a rabbit on a pink leash. I am embarrassed beyond words. What shall I say to the other dogs? Desperate in Iowa
Dear Desperate in Iowa:
Pretend it was your choice. Tell the other dogs that you are proving that your training methods can work even for a truly dumb animal like a rabbit. Tell them you would wager they could not do it as well as you do. They will end up envying you.
Dear Millie:
My Long Legs noticed that I use her computer! I heard her telling a friend over the phone that she is certain I am using the computer to order things she received in the mail and never ordered herself. She also mentioned the white fur that I shed around the computer as I worked on my novel. What am I to do? Aspiring novelist
Dear Aspiring Novelist:
All you can do is confess to the truth. You may have to when you want your novel published, anyway. Tell her that you are dedicating the novel to her, and she will be so thrilled she would not mind.
Dear Millie: I am a Long Legs.
My Superior needs to take a medicine, and she is giving me a very hard time. I mixed it with her favorite food, I hid it in Pill Pockets, I tried to sneak it in a spoon, as if it was a special treat – nothing. So now I have to squirt the medicine in her mouth, mixed with a little tuna juice. What can I do to pacify her anger and disgust? She does not like to have the medicine squirted into her mouth. Any advice? A sad Long Legs
Dear Sad Long Legs,
Since she must take her medicine, and won’t take it on her own, you have no choice. But I suggest you give her the delicious tuna after you squirt the medicine. She will soon realize that the Tuna and the medicine come together, and you will have no trouble.
Dear Millie:
I am a Long Legs. I have an issue with shoes. My two Superiors insist on sleeping on my shoes. I can’t see why it’s comfortable, the shoes are bumpy and hard, and yet they make themselves into pretzel shapes and rest on the shoes. The problem is, not only I get a lot of fur shed on my shoes, but also, they won’t let me put the shoes in my closet and insist I leave them on the bedroom floor. It looks messy and untidy and I am afraid people who see it may think badly of me. What am I to do? Shoe Owner in Distress
Dear Show Owner:
Do NOTHING. If your Superiors wish to rest on your shoes, well, that is their wish and you should respect it. There are such things as brushes – you can easily remove the fur from your shoes when you need to wear them. I really do not understand the fuss.
Dear Millie:
I am a very young Superior who lives on the tenth floor in an apartment house. My Long Legs has a book that tells about a family of cats that has wings. That sounds good and I would like to fly, too. It would be nice to fly out of the window since our apartment is so high up! Do you know where I can get information as to how to sprout wings? Fluffy
Dear Fluffy:
NO!!!! You should never, ever, try to fly. Cats don’t fly! This is just a story book. Keep away from windows and never think about it again, or I will write to your Long Legs and warn them!
Dear Millie:
I am a Long Legs, and I live with three Superiors. I do my best to make them happy, and I thought they would enjoy nature films, so I bought a few DVDs to amuse them. They seem to have the kind of scenes cats would like – chasing, hunting, eating, etc. One of my Superiors is very interested, and watches for hours, but the other two just look for a few minutes and then move away. Why is that? Perplexed Long Legs
Dear Perplexed:
Perhaps they prefer live theatre? Try the garden…
Amos Pierce
Dear Millie,
I'm not sure. Are you a cat giving advice to cats and people( & dogs?) or a person giving advice to people and cats?
Wise Cat
Dear Mr. Pierce,
It is as clear as the blue sky of summer that Millie is a cat. A human would never be so wise, and a dog is too modest to dispense advice. Shame on you for not realizing that. And Millie - I think your advice is excellent. Keep up the good work! I'll be following your career with great interest.
Your friend,
Wise Cat
(back to the top)
Oscar has a Dream
I am not sure how to explain what happened. For once, my Superior wisdom is failing me. You, my readers, are welcome to comment and try to explain.
It was dark time, and since I woke up and was not entirely sleepy, I went and finished my dish of food from last night. I felt a little too full, since I had a large dinner consisting of one packet and some fresh chicken, so I wanted to play a before going to snuggle on top of my The Him.
I debated waking him up to open the clearway, but I knew I would be ready for sleep soon, so instead I jumped on the shelf, where I planned to knock down a thing or two just to keep my paw in good training. I am glad no one saw me, since a highly disgraceful thing happened, something that should never, ever happen to a Superior. I was so full of food that I did not land properly, and yes, believe it or not, I fell down. Most of the time, if a Superior falls off a somewhat high place, he or she lands properly and is not hurt. We know how to do it, and our bones are flexible. But not always. Sometimes, the Superior will land just as clumsily as a Longlegs. I knocked my head on the side table and everything went black.
Next thing I knew, I saw a point of light in the distance. It grew bigger. I had no idea what it was, and stared at it as it continued to grow. I could see it was a tunnel of sorts. I got up and went to investigate. I felt lightheaded, sort of flimsy and weightless, but I figured it was caused by the fall, so I ignored it. I went into the tunnel, and suddenly felt a strong push, as if sixty mice were standing in line and pushing me forward. I practically flew, it was so fast. At the end of the tunnel, the light was growing stronger, but for some reason it was not hard on my eyes. After a long time, by the end of which I was sure I sprouted wings, I reached the strong light. I could see that it came from an opened clearway, which seemed to invite me to come in. I was not surprised, since no matter where I go, they surely know my worth. So I stuck my tail up straight to show I was not afraid and walked right into the light.
At first I could not see anything, but I heard my name called. The sounds seemed to come from many different individuals, some in human language, some in cat language. It was like “Oscar, darling, at last!” “Oscar, how wonderful to see you!” “Yes, kittens, this is the famous Oscar I told you about.” And so on. Slowly, my eyes adjusted and I could see all around me. It was a beautiful garden, and Long Legs and Superiors were everywhere around me, all looking at me with admiration and love. I saw a few dogs, and some birds, but they did not come close; I suppose this was out of respect for my feelings. I did not know anyone personally, but since they were so civil, I went and rubbed my head on some Long Legs’ foot. She seemed so enchanted with me she was ready to swoon with joy, and when I leapt on her knee she gently rubbed my ears. Another Long Legs came over with a dish that contained something that looked a little strange but smelled so good I decided to try some. As I was eating this delicious food, with everyone standing over me and watching with admiration, a tall Long Legs came over. I looked up from my food, sat down and wiped my face politely with my paw. The Log Legs motioned me to follow.
I am not sure why, but I felt compelled to obey and walked after him. Everyone was waving at me and telling me to come back when I was through with the interview. Interview? Whatever was that? I had no idea. But the Long Legs took me to a room, where he sat on a regular chair in front of a desk, and on the desk was a soft cat bed. I sat and looked at him, and he looked at me, for a long time. Neither of us spoke a word, but I felt he was reading my thoughts. It did not bother me, since what would I have to hide? My thoughts are pure and Superior-like at all times. At last he said to me, “It’s not time yet, Oscar not all nine are used yet. You have to go home.”
“I am not even sure where I am,” I said.
“It does not matter, Oscar. You still have work to do, you have not attained perfection.”
“What??” I said. “All Superiors are perfect. You should know that. You read my thoughts.”
“Well, that’s just it,” said the person. “I saw that at times you behaved badly to your Long Legs. You refused to accept full responsibility, and you allowed them to do things they should not do. You must go back and rectify all wrongs before you are allowed to come back here. You know you are their owner, but many times you have forgotten this great responsibility.”
“I saved a rat the other day,” I said. “And a kitten.”
“That was highly commendable,” said the person. “But not enough. Go home and take better care of your Long Legs.”
“Very well,” I said. “If I must, I must. It was nice here but I would miss them if I stayed.”
“Now that was a very good way to start your new path,” said the person.
“Do I have to fly through this awful tunnel again with the mice?” I asked.
“No, it is a one way tunnel. I will place you back home.
”
At this moment, I opened my eyes. I was just under the shelf I had fallen from, and I had a serious headache, but otherwise I was fine. I went to my The Him and jumped on his stomach. I must be good, sure, but I won’t lose too many points if I dig myself under his chin, I thought. He choked a little, but not much, and I purred and thought. What was it? Where was I? I have no idea.
(back to the top)
Oscar Takes up Knitting
I was lying quite peacefully next to 'The Her' falling asleep listening to the click-clack of the pointy things she uses to make things from wool. The phone rang which disturbed me and as she leaned over to answer it I received a jab from one of the pointy things. That made me jump and as I did it seems the wool was caught round my neck. With the force of the jab and having her leaning over me without stroking me I decided to go out. I jumped off the seat and started to make my way to the clearway. I really wasn't aware of the wool around my neck at this point. I was close to leaving the room and could tell she was still talking to someone when I heard a yell, “ Oscar!!!!”
What could I do but run? I did and the scream “Nooooooo” followed me to the clearway where I was brought to a sudden halt as the wool I had not noticed suddenly gripped me......momentarily only because then with the force of me running forward it snapped.
I was outside the clearway and there was no wool to stop me. I was glad I'd moved as the sun was shining and not too far away I could here Ginger singing. Well, out of kindness I'll call it that. I went to find him.
Memoirs of a Superior Page 12