W C A T
Oh, Sir Oscar, really you shouldn’t say such things… anyway, our listeners would be greatly impressed, as was I, by your extreme courage and resourcefulness. I understand that you stood up to a marauding farmer who was holding a killing stick?
Oscar
Well, I had to. This evil Longlegs was threatening my pal, Ginger.
W C A T
How did this encounter happen?
Oscar
You see, we were practicing our hunting skills. At first, with pheasants, then, with bouncers.
W C A T
What exactly are bouncers, Sir Oscar?
Oscar
I believe that in the U.S. you call them bunnies.
W C A T
Oh, these. Yes, they are quite good hunting, but often they are bigger than us, at least in Texas, where our station is located.
Oscar
So they are, so they are, in Wales too. They are huge. The one Ginger tried to get, silly Superior that he is, was immense. So big, in fact, that the farmer could not help seeing the two of them as they fought. I ran to help Ginger, and pounced on the bouncer, pushing Ginger aside to save his life from the farmer. And then the farmer came to face me, holding his killing stick forward in a threatening way.
W C A T
Oh, Sir Oscar! What did you do?
Oscar
Naturally, I stood on my back paws to my full height, pushed Ginger behind me to protect him, and hissed violently at the marauding farmer. The farmer turned and ran away from me in terror. I thought he was gone forever, but just as I landed with my paws right back on the bouncer’s, er, bunny’s back, the cowardly farmer, who would not face me when close up, shot at us!
W C A T
How awful! What happened then?
Oscar
The bouncer lost his life, and was removed by the farmer’s dog. I was very badly wounded, but my first thoughts were, of course, with Ginger. Moving very slowly, losing half my blood, I searched for him and found him under a bush, trembling in terror. When I saw he was alive, I sent him home and crawled to my own home. I did not want to frighten my The Her, so I hid behind a chair, but she saw the puddle of blood.
W C A T
Your The Her must have been devastated.
Oscar
Oh, yes. She begged me to become a House Superior and never risk my life, but I explained to her that my duties are to the other Superiors and I could not let them down, even if it cost me my life. She sobbed, and since I am really kind to my Long Legs, I told her I will stay at home until I recover my full strength.
W C A T
You are the soul of kindness. Excuse me, my coworker, Mitzi, has something to say to me… yes, Mitzi? WHAT? It is not the exact story as we got it from his blog? WHAT? He never faced the farmer or lost half his blood? Nonsense, Mitzi. Surely you won’t doubt the word of such a distinguished Superior! Whoever told you that must be jealous of Sir Oscar... I am sorry, Sir Oscar. Just an unimportant interruption. Thank you so much for this fur raising story, and I hope you will soon have the opportunity to talk to us again.
Oscar
Certainly, Miss Beauty, if you will promise to do the interview…
W C A T
Oh, Sir Oscar. Really… you should not say such things…
(back to the top)
Oscar and the Clean Shirt
I have been uncomfortable all week. It should have been cold but instead it's been warm and my coat has made me too hot. Usually there's nothing I can do about it. But......
'The Her' came home again a few lights ago. I could smell the illnesses as she came through the door and 'The Him' put her to bed straight away. I gave up the bed gladly for her but wasn't too happy that she didn't seem to want to fuss me. It's probably his fault. No doubt he's been saying terrible things about me while she's been away. After I thought her settled for long enough I jumped up onto the bed, and though fearful of me touching her she did stroke my head so maybe he hasn't said too much or she just loves me anyway, which of course is perfectly natural. Then all of a sudden she sat up and was sick. It really wasn't my fault but I moved out of the way quickly anyway in case my 'The Him' thought it was.
It seemed no time at all before there were strange people at the door with a funny chair and they carried 'The Her' off out again. 'The Him' went with them all and left me locked in all alone yet again. He's been doing that a lot recently while she's been away, rushing off, locking the door and not thinking of me. I'm sorry she's sick but I do miss her and my hugs, though he does try in his own way when he's in. When it gets dark I don't mind, but there is no light from their funny box in the corner that I sometimes like to watch, and no legs to rub up against in the food room where I might be given chicken. When he comes in all he does is sit in his chair for ages with those funny hot things in his mouth.
This light I tried something I've not done before. I was wandering round trying to get cool and was ready for a nap when I saw him in his chair. He was slumped a bit and nothing in his mouth. I jumped up, walked up his big round ledge that he calls his tummy and settled down. He jumped nervously when I did it but didn't move away. So, I relaxed and settled my head under his chin. It felt quite nice so I went to sleep. I was soon aware, like every superior is aware, of his soft snoring as he slept too. We both seemed to wake together and as we did so he stroked my head and rubbed inside my ears just like my 'The Her' always does. Maybe he's not too bad after all.
Soon he told me he had to leave and started to get up. I had to move myself off his chest and over to the arm of his chair. He screeched.....My Shirt ! Clean on and it now looks like I have a fur coat !
So as I say, when it gets too hot in my coat there's usually nothing I can do about it. Now I can shed my unwanted hair, get hugs and cuddles, enjoy a nice sleep and still not have to confess that maybe I like him after all.
(back to the top)
Oscar Makes His Bed
Some days you know it's time for a change. Something just hits you and instantly you can see what the change is, but not how to achieve it. Sometimes achieving it doesn't work out quite as well as you hoped it would.
It was my bed. I woke up and knew it was time to find another place to sleep. The warmth was coming through to me from the big clearway and my coat felt like it was on fire. 'The Hers' bed had been good but as she's not here it seems empty and I'm too hot to stay here. I have tried my 'The Him's' bed before and in the dark time it's too full of noise from his nose and in the light time it gets no warmth. Anyway it's not good enough for a superior like me, at my age I need comfort.
Knowing I had to think this out I did the next best thing to sleeping and went to eat. After a series of hard stares at 'The Him' he'd been out and got me some chicken. It was nice too. Such a shame there was not enough as that means I'll have to eat the ordinary food he buys me. I do like it but if I let him know then I might no longer get the chicken. This is something all you kittens out there need to learn in order to assume and maintain control. Anyway I digress......
I went to my dish in the small room where he feeds me and found a basket full of washing he'd done in the spinning machine. With a playful flick of my paw I hit out at the top of the basket and out rolled something wonderful. It's the things he wears on his paws before he puts on the hard ones for outside. They were like a ball. They were stripy and had stars on them but they still rolled around well if I flicked them. As it didn't hurt my paw I realised how soft they were.
Picking them up in my mouth I found they were light too and I ran with them to 'The Hers' room.
As I said it was too hot to sleep on that bed now but underneath it was so cool. Ahhh, it's lovely. But I can't sleep on something so small. I went back and standing on my back lags I could see over the basket. There were lots of them. He has them in all patterns and colours and even 'The Her' wears them sometimes. As quickly as I could I moved them one by one or even two by two to their new home, placed them in a circle and lay down. Bli
ss, sheer bliss. I settled down to sleep.
I don't know how long it was before I was woken by a roar. “Where in heaven's name are my socks?”
Well, as I don't know what a sock is it can't concern me can it? But it did. It seems my bed was his socks and after some considerable time he found them. At the same time he found me and I wasn't too pleased at being woken after I'd just fallen asleep again. As the hurt party in all this I naturally swiped his hand as it came close to where I lay and grabbed part of my new bed. He howled and stuck his finger in his mouth and mumbled “He'spinchedmysocksandclawedmeagainhelp.” Obviously no-one understood him least of all me. He brought a long handled brush and pushed me off my bed and I was indignant at the shame of it. He pulled all his 'Socks' out, and picking them up left the room backwards keeping an eye on me all the time.
So here I am ready for a change and I'm still looking for a way to achieve it. Any ideas?
(back to the top)
Oscar Pays All Debts
For a minute last light time I almost thought I wasn't wanted. Yes, ridiculous isn't it, as though anyone could NOT want ME ! I was lying on my 'The Hers' sleeping place when 'The Him' came rushing in shouting “She's coming home ! Today, Oh Lord I need to get move on.” Next moment their kitten dashed in and as they both grabbed at the cover of the sleeping place I was unceremoniously dumped on the floor.
“If we make the bed now we can go and get her and she can jump right in” I heard. And next thing the cover off the cover of the bed was dropped on my head. Well there are two things that everyone should know.
No-one dumps things on my head and gets away with it.
No-one starts to do these changes without me joining in for fun.
I crawled out from under the cover and leapt back on the sleeping place just as they were about to insert it into a clean cover. I know what comes next and I'm usually right there for my fun when it happens. It's the great shake. Somehow though as they pushed the thick cover inside the thin cover I got included. Then the shaking started and I love it, but usually I'm on the outside. All of a sudden I was upside down and flattened. The shaking had stopped. I would normally just turn round and settle myself down for a sleep but then usually I'm on the outside. I moved to the ends but couldn't find a way out.
I spoke but couldn't hear anyone speak back with “Oh Oscar, do shut up a minute.” that I hear so often. Anyway, at the end I managed to crawl my way round so that I was at least on top now even if still inside. I gave up trying to get out and fell asleep.
Some time later I heard voices again but I kept quiet until I knew who it was. I heard 'The Him' ( whom I owed for dumping things on my head), I heard their kitten ( whom I will treat as innocent this time) and then I heard 'THE HER'. At last, where has she been? Before I had chance to mew my greetings a weight was placed on the sleeping place, not very heavy though. I wriggled and mewed to get attention and there were cries of “Oh” and “ Heavens above what's that?” 'The Him's' hand appeared a a gap in the cover and widened it, I used the opportunity to repay my debt and was gratified to hear a sharp intake of breath as my claws connected. I used the time to extricate myself from inside the cover.
And there she was, my 'The Her' was back. They were just laying her inside the sleeping place even though it wasn't dark outside. I was going to rush up to say hello but then I remembered she had left without me and chose to ignore her instead. I wandered over to the hands of their kitten for a quick rub and a scratch before deciding I'd ignored her long enough and walked sedately over to 'The Her'.
“Oh Oscar” she said “ I've missed you so.” Naturally, I thought and allowed her to scratch my head, my ears and everywhere else, giving her the odd nudge if it wasn't hard enough. Then all of a sudden I was lifted up and placed outside the door which was closed in my face. It was 'The Him' placing himself in my debt once again.
Some time later it was dark. There were no clearways open for me and I decided it was time for payment again. I wandered through to where 'The Him' was sleeping and started crying. I know he heard me and I saw him flinch. He tried to settle back into sleep and just before he succeeded I cried again. He came awake. With a huge sigh he slid off his sleeping place and stood before me.
“What is it Oscar” he said, “show me”. I walked to the clearway and waited. He followed. With another sigh he opened it and I shot out. I saw the clearway close but knew he'd wait so I took my time. It was raining lightly and the ground was wet. When I finished my toilet I moved back to the door and miaowed. It opened straight away though 'The Him' looked asleep. He closed the clearway behind me and walked off back to his sleeping place. I let him settle a little then jumped up onto his stomach which opened his eyes again sharply. Then to show there were no hard feeling I gave him a head-but and rubbed my body against his face. “Ugh” was all I heard as I transferred the wet from outside onto him.
I consider all debts paid now.
(back to the top)
Oscar is Bested
It was early light this morning when I decided I needed to go outside. As usual I'd slept beside 'The Her' but getting her up was still a lost cause. I bypassed any attempts and headed straight for 'The Him'. We had a minor tussle where I told him to get up and he told me to climb onto his sleeping place and settle down. I really don't know why he bothers as we all know it's a forgone conclusion really. Anyway I let him make his play then I raised my voice a little. He issued his usual “Shush Oscar or you'll wake your Mummy” which made me laugh as nothing short of a tree falling through the roof would do that, and I'm not sure it did work when that happened long ago or whether their timings just happened to coincide.
So, he made his attempt then swung himself out and followed me. The big clearway was opened and I walked out. The clearway closed behind me but was I worried? No !! I did what I needed to do and walked back to the clearway which, as if by magic, opened for me. I sat and waited. The clearway was closed again and 'The Him' turned to go back to his sleeping place before I'd finished with him. Cheek !! I raised my voice in a plaintive way and it worked. He came to a halt and about faced. “What now Oscar” he said and I turned, raised my tail and walked into the lounge confident that he was following. Childsplay !!
I came to a halt beside his chair and allowed him to sit. As his bottom hit the seat so I hit his knees. Timing is everything. His hands came up and almost absent-mindedly rubbed my cheeks and my ears. Then I couldn't believe it, one hand ceased play and he leaned forward. I was almost squashed by his mammoth tummy until he sat back with a sigh. I thought it was the sigh of defeat but I was wrong. In his hand he held one of the white sticks that he sets fire to and he raised it to his mouth and smoked !! One hand continued to stroke me but the other moved back and forth to his mouth and he breathed out the smoke. I couldn't stand it and jumped down. I swear I saw a smile play about his lips. Raising my tail I turned and left the room.
I heard him making himself one of his hot drinks in a bowl from where I sat and returned to the chair I'd left. I fully expected him to return with his drink but without the smoke which had now cleared. I was wrong. Drink in one hand and white smoker in the other he bypassed the chair and went straight back towards his sleeping place. I ran and darting between his legs arrived first. Up onto the sleeping place I jumped knowing he wouldn't sit on me but he pulled up short of that and drawing up a chair sat at his desk. Turning on the box that lights and making the tap tap sound with his fingers he ignored me altogether. I watched for a time the pictures change on the box, watched him drink his drink and then light up another white stick. I gave up, curled myself up and went to sleep in disgust.
Later I went out and met Ginger. I told him of the early light happenings. I expected his sympathy but all he did was laugh and tell me it's my own fault for not checking the white sticks were not out of reach or missing before I made my play. “After all” he'd told me, didn't I always warn the kittens to be prepared. I could have followed my own advice and not been caught out. He
told me that for once I'd been bested and should just accept it. I suppose with bad grace I shall have to won't I?
Oscar Leaves Home
Good help is really hard to come by these days. There are too many slackers by far. For instance, at early light today my food dish had still not been washed and refilled, and in the food room there was no dish of chicken waiting for me. And why is this I hear you ask? Or at least I expect you to ask. Well, I'll tell you. It's because neither my 'The Her' or 'The Him' had bothered to get off their sleeping places to do their job. I expect they think themselves irreplaceable because we've been together for so long. But, and they should take note of this, they're not! Anyone would be pleased to serve a Superior like me and I'm half tempted to show them.
A little later light.
They did eventually climb down, get covered in their day skins and do my dishes. At least 'The Him' did as 'The Her' has not been able to for some time. I enjoyed my food and decided to wander through to their sitting place where I found they had a visitor. It was a large, very round Longlegs wearing the skin of some of those biting animals that we sometimes see by the river, mink they call themselves. In order to show that I am still able to entice Longlegs to want me I jumped up on her lap. She uttered a short scream and dropped warm liquid all over her skin.
“Oh heavens” she said “ a cat. How I dislike them and I have a terrible allergy to thematishoo, atishoo, aaaaatishoo!”
Memoirs of a Superior Page 11