Memoirs of a Superior

by Prosser, Lord David

  So, I finish the day sitting by 'The Her' as she gently tries to soap the black stuff they call tar from my pads with soapy water. This could be a very long job,

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  Our Hero Returns

  We all know the house is not really my sanctum any more. For some perverse reason the Longlegs ( I hesitate to call them mine now) seem to have formed a bond with the ever increasing pack of rodents, and that's despite one of them chewing a hole in the fur ‘The Her’ wears when she gets up from her sleeping place. How well I remember the roar of disapproval from 'The Him' ( I trust the lack of the word MY here hurts and chastens them) when I 'accidentally' unravelled part of the sleeve from his fur.

  There is also the problem at the moment of having fallen backwards off the seat when one of the rodents surprised me and tried to run between my legs. When I enter that room now there is an outbreak of laughter from the four who seem to think I might have run away rather than just fallen a great distance.

  So, today here I am outside the clearway lying in the warm light from above and enjoying the odd snooze. I mean, we all have skills and this is one of my better ones.

  I woke up long enough to greet the Longlegs who brings things to put through the door that makes 'The Him' ( yes, I know I'm far too forgiving but one has to treat ones pets well) shout loudly at My 'The Her' " What on earth have you bought this time. Time-shares on the Moon"? The Postie as they call her seemed to recoil on spotting me. I know our previous encounter was unfortunate but be fair it was hardly my fault was it. I was being summarily ejected at the time and gripping her leg was an automatic reaction. She'd have been fine if her leg furs had been longer.

  Anyway, I spent a lot of time dozing in the warmth till Ginger came round a suggested a walk through the village. This can often be a rewarding adventure given that some Longlegs leave their clearways open which must be an invitation mustn't it? And not being rude, it would be a shame not to take advantage of their generosity. After all, some of them don't have Superiors of their own to spoil. A nice roast chicken was our reward for a visit today which we ate in the shelter of the woods. Purely to shelter from the sun you understand. After which I decided to return home while Ginger decided to carry on exploring by which I expect he meant find some milk that hadn't been taken in yet.

  I had just reached home and started to lay down when I heard a scream." Look out David, she's making a break for the door." I was startled by the noise and jumped in the air, just at the moment when the rodent called Penny appeared in the open clearway.

  As I was already in 'alert' mode I couldn't jump any higher but surprisingly the rodent did. Seeing me and watching me jump she turned tail and retreated back into the house where she was scooped up by My 'The Her' and placed back into her cage.

  "Oh Oscar, you brave cat, what a good boy you are. David, put Oscar some chicken out."

  said 'The Her' and despite no wanting more chicken some was placed out for me. 'The Her' patted the seat beside her as an invitation to jump up, something that's been sadly lacking recently. But as I've pointed out I'm a forgiving owner so up I jumped to enjoy a period of stroking and praises about my bravery in saving the day. So I'm a hero again which is as it should be and all of a sudden there's no sniggering from the rodents who know I faced one of their own down and won.

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  Oscar's Night-Time Adventures

  The heat from above has been shining down for a few days. It's actually made me quite sleepy. ( I refuse to say a little dozy since I know the Longlegs sense of sarcasm works well on remarks like this). It was my feeling a little sleepy that got me into a mess, well that and the terrible mistake 'The Him' made for which judgement will be rendered.

  So, the heat made me sleepy and I curled up inside a flower bed to relax. Before 'The Him' went to his sleeping place he closed and locked the clearway. He had not noticed me ( or so he said), had not called me ( as he thought I was in) and didn't bother to check. You can understand my decision to play Solomon here can't you.

  It started to get darker and cooler causing me to think I should go back inside and settle down on 'The Hers' sleeping place and spend the dark time guarding her as I usually did. But on rousing myself and moving over to the clearway I found it closed. I called out but to no avail. I walked round the building to see if a small clearway was open but I found none. There was light from 'The Hers' room but it seems she could not hear me sing either. I'm reluctant to try at His clearway since he throws things at the slightest sound. You really wouldn't believe he doesn't recognise my voice after all these years.

  The woods lie very close to home and some very inviting rustling sounds stirred memories of my great hunting days when I was wont to leave my Longlegs superb gifts every day. Surely I had lost none of my skills and I needed to occupy my time before returning home to find the clearway open again.

  I stepped into the woods and the dark became more absolute as the night light could not break through the branches of the trees. There was a sound to my left and in one lithe move I turned and pounced. Ugh, it was one of those long things with hundreds of legs where not one of them tastes like chicken. I let it go and moved further into the trees. Another noise, another pounce and under my paw was a mouse. I was tempted to eat some and take the rest back to the Longlegs until I remembered they seem to like live things like that to play with and might not appreciate such a gift. I let it go also and moved further into the trees. Then there was a rustle and as I pounced I was met with a fox pouncing in my direction and how he smelled ( yes I know, with his nose)phew ! It was a shock to both of us but foxes don't tend to hang around us Superiors for long so he turned tail and walked away. I suspect I should have been insulted that he didn't run but perhaps he perceived I was not looking for a fight.

  I was turning round to retrace my steps out of the woods since the time was passing and I'd proved I can still hunt when there was a loud scream and a whooshing sound. My automatic response was to duck ( not fear you understand, just the opportunity to assess the situation) which I did and as I did I felt something touch my back. A screech of disappointment followed and as I looked up I saw a pair of claws rising above me attached to a great bird who'd been hunting me as I hunted. My departure from the woods speeded up at that point and the morning light was just coming through as I reached safety, erm I mean reached home. I strolled across the lawns towards the clearway and saw 'The Him' just open it. I picked up speed and made it before it was closed again.

  "Why Oscar. where have you been? Don't tell me you've been out all night" said 'The Him' never the brightest bulb in the box.

  "You must be hungry old boy. Let's get something for you." But he's not too bad though sometimes. Maybe I'll forgive him this time.

  I ate and went through to where 'The Her' was sleeping. I jumped up and curled up beside her tummy and fell asleep.

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  Introducing the Family. By Amy

  Hello again every one. In case you've forgotten my name is Amy and I'm leader of the Rat Pack. After having been a little unhappy over the name the humans refer to groups of my kind, I've decided that Rat Pack sounds quite cool and compared to some sounds quite reasonable. After all I wouldn't want to be part of a 'Murder of Crows'( and believe me that's quite fair because their sound can be murder on the ears). A 'Dissimulation of Birds' doesn't sound all there does it? How about a 'Chatter of Budgerigars' that one's true enough, a 'Clowder of Cats' that one means nothing unless Clowder means nasty, a 'School of Dolphins' makes them sound intelligent, a 'Skulk of Foxes' Hmmm, reasonable that one, a 'Mischief of Mice' and sometimes people refer to us that way as well. But in the end I think Rat Pack will suit me very well thank you.

  Sometimes settling into a new home is difficult but there have been no major problems here after teaching the humans ( a Pack?) that my teeth are quite sharp if they try to handle me and sometimes just when they stick their fingers through the bars. After all, if you stick fingers in
to offer treats we have to bite, you mustn't be surprised to be bitten if you stick them in treatless and expect us to notice.

  Anyway, I want to introduce the family. Obviously there's me and like most of my kind I'm very intelligent and very underestimated. But there are exceptions to every rule I suppose so here's Penny. She's my sister and I love her dearly but she's not the brightest jewel in the box. Fortunately she's playful and very affectionate so the humans don't notice.

  Next we have Bernadettte, or Bernie who is a lot younger than Penny and I but who is a quick learner and copies Penny's every move. She makes me laugh when the humans get her out as she pees on them a lot and hasn't quite learned to keep her soiling to one particular area yet. They have a lot of cleaning up to do once she's been out to play. Finally we have Priya, the youngest and smallest of our pack. She's most like our original ancestor Rattus Rattus except it looks like she wears white socks. She’s starting to get used to the humans but hasn't properly learned about getting treats yet.

  As I say the humans aren't too bad here and they're learning quite well. But for some strange reason they also have a cat. Hmm, just one of a Clowder but that's enough. It's taken a little longer to train him since all he seemed interested in was catching us before. Penny taught him a bit of a lesson by climbing up his back leg when he happened to be on the seat when she and I had been got out to entertain the humans. He was so surprised he ran away. Though he's ventured close a few times he keeps a wary eye out.

  It was funny a few days ago when I managed to reach the floor and ran towards an open door. As I reached it he was on the other side. We both saw each other at the same time and were startled. I was surprised long enough to be caught and my escape foiled, he was just stunned into inaction though he claimed afterwards to have helped catch me and basked in the credit even though he'd done nothing. He's a sly one and bears watching. Don't get the wrong idea about the escape either. It's not that I don't like the humans or the house they've given us but I like the idea of the open spaces outside. So, you may just hear of more attempts. If I ever make it of course you won't hear anything except from the cat who is the only other one who can use the computer which I've 'borrowed' while he's asleep.

  So there we are. You've met me and my family now. Oscar the cat claims to be a Superior but I think you can work out for yourselves whoever you are that he's fooling himself and that we by dint of our brains ( well maybe not Penny) are the superiors round here. We just don't need to brag about it. I hope you get to enjoy more of our activities and adventures when we venture forth from our house within a house. As for me, I'm delighted to meet you.

  Amy

  ( P.S. Please don't mention to Oscar you've heard from me. I may just have forgotten to ask if I could borrow his writing machine).

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  Compromises and Adjustments

  No-one could accuse me of being obstinate or refusing to accept a truth. With that in mind I have been able to come to terms with the fact that the rodents are here to stay, and while they will not, indeed cannot replace me in 'The Hers' affections, they are to be a fixture and she obviously for some reason unfathomable to me, likes them.

  While I accept the realities of this situation I'm not sure the rodents were able to so I felt it my duty to place the facts before them and reach a compromise suitable for both parties. I waited until after they'd had their breakfast from 'The Him' and been out for a bit of exercise with 'The Her'. Only one thing might have marred the discussions and that's when I approached the seating place and the large one called Penny looked down at me as I walked past. I couldn't help but look back and go closer. Instead of backing away she put her nose to mine and sniffed. I brought my paw up and smacked her. 'The Her' was most displeased but with me? and not with Penny. I didn't understand this and was going to argue but being a most placid fellow I walked away.

  Back in their cage and the Longlegs having left the room I sauntered slowly up to the cage. There were hisses of derision but I didn't let it bother me as I settled two feet away.

  "What do you want cat" ? said Amy, the biggest of them and their obvious leader.

  " I've decided to let you stay" I replied, "But, there are some things we'd better get straight."

  " Oh yes, and what would those be Pussykins" chipped in the one they call Bernie.

  Reminding myself I had a debt to pay sometime I looked at Amy and told her, " Firstly, I don't want to see you move if you're outside the cage and I come into the room.

  Secondly, there's to be no more name calling if we both live in the same place and lastly I'll make sure the Longlegs tolerate you if you remember my word is law here."

  "Well Mr. Cat" she replied, "I think we can probably manage to do without the name calling if it works both ways but I'm not sure we can manage without moving once we're out of the cage since it's what the humans expect of us. As far as your word being law, I'm afraid we can't agree to that since you might just expect us to do things that will go against our nature. Tell you what. let's agree to no more name calling and see how it goes. If you don't annoy us I won't ask Penny to tweak your tail, how's that?"

  As you can see I'm a very reasonable cat but even I couldn't agree to that and lose face so I had to leave the room and here we are with a dilemma. How can I learn to live with these rodents if they won't accept the most reasonable of terms?

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  Oscar's Lazy Day

  The great hunter placed his body low to the ground. With the quiet instilled by years of training and centuries of animal instinct he pulled himself through the undergrowth barely displacing a leaf of grass in his progress. Books should be written about this skill and future generations will seek to emulate the perfect machine. At last the progress came to an end and the prey was not just in sight but was in perfect ignorance of what was to happen. One perfect pounce and it would all be over.

  Damn, it flew away. I was poised to get it, resting annoyingly as it was on top of a rose.

  These butterflies are unpredictable.

  We had some warmth and light from the sky today and the Longlegs were out and about in the garden with smiles on their faces. 'The Her' was wearing those funny short skins on her legs . She was going round pulling up weeds. Being an obliging sort of chap I tried to help but she didn't seem to welcome that and was constantly screaming at me to stay away and leave her flowers alone.

  'The Him' looked silly walking round with a large piece of white issue up his nose to stop him going Atishoooooo, as he seems to whenever we have a day like this and he spends it in the garden. She always tells him to go inside but he says "No" he wants to help. He doesn't actually do anything though except follow the heat round by turning his chair and drinks the cold tea the other Longlegs brings out.

  Days like this don't seem to happen as often as they used to when I was a kitten. And the Longlegs seem to say the same though of course they are idle and live a lot longer than Superiors. That's probably because they let us do all the work. I mean, I caught two butterflies already today and how many have they caught? None!! I suppose I should say I caught one really as the other one more or less caught me by landing on my nose. But hey, it's a nice day and who's counting.

  In a moment I shall have a spot of milk and then take a stroll to the village to see what the gang are up to. Maybe we can tease a bull in a field or something. Perhaps I'll just lie here for a minute and replay that last hunt in my head while I doze.

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  Oscar's Joke

  There was a robbery. 'The Her ' and 'The Him' were out doing whatever it is they do when they're not here, which is far too often if you ask me. No matter how many patrols I mount ( or at least intend to mount) there is only ever one of me , and though it's true I have the Post-woman on the run, it seems not all Longlegs have learned to be afraid of me. Of course it's possible that's because not all Longlegs live with me and not all Longlegs have Superiors to teach them the error of their ways.

&nbs
p; I always thought my own Longlegs had been well taught though I confess that at times I scratch my head and wonder what my 'The Him' was doing during some of the lessons because he certainly wasn't paying attention. For instance, the number of times I've tried to tell him about not leaving some of the small clearways open in the dark time. We all know there have been times someone has crept in and eaten my food. It's different if it's in the village itself as Longlegs there value my acceptance of their kind invitations, especially at the Fursty Ferret where they have left a nice salmon before now. But surely no-one could possibly think my meals are an open invitation to help oneself to.

  Anyway, there's been a robbery. I hope no-one is suggesting I was asleep on the job here but it had been a fraught couple of longtimes looking after those beastly rodents who had made quite a noise when they thought the house was empty. I may have inadvertently dozed for a few short-times but was rudely awoken by muffled voices and clanking sounds. I stood up to protest and seeing what I saw , thought discretion the better art of valour and realised I could probably see things better from behind the chair in the corner of the room. Lots of things were being put into sacks by two Longlegs and carried out to a large white chariot. I watched for a while until they seemed happy with their haul and one said " Roit, that's it, let's get outta here sharpish ." They left and the chariot drove off quickly.