Zeke Meeks vs the Horrifying TV-Turnoff Week

by D. L. Green

  “How about your toenails?” Alexa asked.

  “No.” I picked up another book to make a thicker shield.

  “Can I just polish one little toenail of yours?” Alexa asked.

  “No,” I said.

  “But I’m bored,” she said.

  “I’m bored, too. But I’ll never, ever, ever be bored enough to get my nails polished,” I said.

  Our little sister, Mia, came into the room. She was loudly screeching a Princess Sing-Along song. “If you get up early in the day, la la la, waking your parents is not okay, la la la.”

  Mom came out of her bedroom. She said, “That song about not waking your parents just woke me up.”

  “Oops. Sorry,” Mia said.

  “Zeke, I’m glad you’re reading books,” Mom said. She smiled at me.

  I glanced at the books in my hands. Mom seemed so happy. I didn’t tell her I was just using the books to shield me from Alexa and her lavender nail polish. Instead, I said, “I’m bored.”

  “I told you not to use that word,” Mom said.

  “You told us we couldn’t use it yesterday,” I said. “Today I’m bored, bored, bored.”

  “I’m even more bored than you. You’re bored, bored, bored. But I’m bored, bored, bored, bored,” Alexa said.

  “I have a great idea,” I said. “You should play the Princess Sing-Along board game with Mia. It’s fun,” I lied.

  Mia jumped up and down and yelled, “Yay!”

  “Okay, I’ll play with you,” Alexa said.

  I smiled. That would keep Alexa and her awful lavender polish away from my nails. And it would keep Mia and her awful board game away from me.

  Now I just had to figure out what to do today. I invited my best friend, Hector, over.

  Hector came to my house right away. “TV-Turnoff Week is so boring,” he said.

  “It sure is,” I said. “What have you been doing?”

  “I went to the science museum with my family yesterday. It was pretty fun,” he admitted.

  “I went to the art museum. It was pretty fun, too,” I admitted. “But being home is boring.”

  “Yeah. But I got out my old train set. I liked that,” he admitted.

  “I found some toys in my bedroom closet. I liked that, too,” I admitted. “But I miss the TV.”

  “I miss the TV, too,” Hector said.

  “I guess we could play outside,” I said with a sigh.

  “I guess,” he also said with a sigh.

  Hector and I played basketball, Frisbee, and hide-and-seek. We were outside for hours. I had to admit it was a lot of fun.

  Hector had to admit that, too.

  Finally, we got so tired that we went inside. I sat on the couch and sighed again. “I wish we could watch TV or play video games now.”

  Hector sat next to me and sighed again, too. “Me too,” he said.

  “We could put on a pretend TV show,” I said.

  “It could be about two kids who aren’t allowed to watch TV,” Hector said.

  “So they’re really bored,” I added.

  “And also really smart, handsome, strong, and brave.” Hector pounded on his chest.

  Then he winced and said, “Ow. That hurts.”

  “One of the really smart, handsome, strong, and brave kids should be named Zeke,” I said.

  “Let’s call the other really smart, handsome, strong, and brave kid Hector,” Hector said.

  We named our show “Hector and Zeke Save the World.” I had wanted to call it “Zeke and Hector Save the World,” but Hector won the coin toss.

  We wore blankets for superhero capes. We used a bath towel as a cape for Waggles. Waggles played the role of Supermutt.

  Next, we got martial arts weapons props. The weapons were really my yo-yo and pogo stick.

  Then we rehearsed our show.

  Alexa said, “I’ll film your show for you.”

  “What about our Princess Sing-Along board game?” Mia asked Alexa. “We’ve been playing for hours. We’re still not close to finishing.”

  Alexa yawned. “I quit the game. You win.”

  “I don’t know why everyone keeps quitting the Princess Sing-Along game. But yay! I won another game!” Mia shouted. Then she asked me, “Now that the game is over, can I be in your movie?”

  “Sure,” I said. “You can be the bad guy. You drive your enemies crazy with your screechy songs.”

  “And you put your enemies to sleep with your boring game,” Hector added.

  We rehearsed some more. Then we performed our show for Mom.

  I introduced the show with, “Ladies and gentlemen.” I looked at Mom. “Actually, just one lady and no gentlemen. Let me start over.”

  I started over. “Lady. We will now put on our show. It’s called “Hector and Zeke Save the World.” It will be performed by Hector Cruz, Zeke Meeks, Mia Meeks, and Waggles.”

  Hector and I bowed. Mia curtseyed. Waggles drooled on the rug.

  “The show is being filmed by Alexa Meeks in front of a large audience,” I said.

  “Don’t call me large,” Mom said.

  “Okay. Sorry,” I said. “Now Mia Meeks will sing the show’s theme song.” I moved back.

  Mia came up front. She sang a Princess Sing-Along song. “Green boogers are gross in your nose, la la la. Worse than the gunk between your toes, la la la.”

  Then we put on our show. It went perfectly, except for three small things. One, when I swung my pogo stick, it hit the living room wall. Two, Waggles chewed a hole in his bath towel cape. And three, Alexa dropped the video recorder. But the hole in the wall from my pogo stick wasn’t that big. And we had other bath towels.

  And Alexa didn’t destroy the video recorder on purpose.

  Mom wasn’t very happy about all that. In fact, she was very upset.

  It took her a long time to calm down. Finally, she said, “You kids seemed to have a lot of fun today. You didn’t need the TV or video games.”

  I realized I was smiling.

  I quickly frowned. I said, “It’s boring without TV and video games. Right, Hector?”

  Hector stopped smiling, too. Then he said, “Uh, right.”

  I reminded myself to complain about being bored—even if I wasn’t really bored.

  On Monday morning, I got dressed, did another crossword puzzle, and played with my yo-yo.

  Then I cleaned out my backpack. It had been a long time since I cleaned out my backpack. In fact, I don’t think I have ever cleaned a backpack in my entire life.

  I found a dime, a moldy apple with a dead worm sticking out of it, and this note from two girls in my class:

  Yuck. I shredded the disgusting note into a zillion tiny pieces. Then I took the shredded note out of my room and headed for the kitchen trash can.

  Mia was in the kitchen, eating Choco-Lard cereal. She said, “I miss hearing Princess Sing-Along on TV in the morning.”

  I did not miss hearing Princess Sing-Along in the morning. I didn’t miss hearing her in the afternoon or nighttime either.

  After breakfast, Mom drove my sisters and me to school. On the way, Mia sang a Princess Sing-Along song. “Please wear your seat belt on a trek, la la la. So you won’t be a bloody wreck, la la la.”

  Yep. I did not miss the Princess Sing-Along show at all.

  Once I got to school, I walked over to my friends on the playground. “Wasn’t this weekend horrible without TV and video games?” I asked them.

  “It sure was. Except for when my brother and I made chocolate fudge,” Danny Ford said.

  “It was horrible. Except when my dad played catch with me outside,” Owen Leach said.

  “My family went on a bike ride yesterday. It was fun. But I still miss the TV,” Rudy Morse said.

  “So everyone had a bad weekend,” I said.

  “I cried most of the time,” Chandler Fitzgerald said. Then he started crying.

  “Did you cry more than usual?” I asked him.

  He shrugged.

&nb
sp; “Playing warriors from Fight, Fight, Fight might cheer you up,” I said.

  “No. That will just remind me of the Fight, Fight, Fight TV show. Then I’ll cry even harder,” he said.

  Then he cried even harder.

  “Chandler’s right,” Owen said. “No one should play Fight, Fight, Fight.”

  “And we shouldn’t say things from the Sassy Sara show, like ‘Get lost.’ It will remind us of the great TV shows we’re missing,” Laurie Schneider said.

  So we didn’t have any more fights or tell people to get lost. Now that we weren’t fighting or sassing, we were actually nice to each other. It was very strange. But it was also kind of . . . well . . . nice.

  My classmates gave their reports about what they did instead of watching TV. Chandler was first. He carried a big bottle of liquid to the front of the classroom.

  Then he took a bow.

  Everyone clapped.

  Everyone also rolled their eyes.

  Grace Chang gave her report next. She wore lacy white gloves that matched her lacy white dress. She said, “Without the TV, I’ve had more time to sharpen my fingernails. I already had the sharpest nails in the world. But I’ve just beaten my own world record. I will now reveal my nails to you.”

  She put her hands behind her back. She slowly took off her gloves. They fell to the floor. Emma G. and Emma J. ran over and picked up the gloves. Then they raced back and laid the gloves neatly on Grace’s desk.

  Grace said, “I made my fingernails longer and sharper than ever. I also decorated them with bright pictures of knives, swords, and other weapons.” She laughed evilly. Then she thrust out her hands.

  My heart pounded. I gasped. I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t scream. I put my other hand over my chest so my heart wouldn’t explode all over the place.

  I am not going to describe Grace’s nails to you. Trust me, I am doing you a big favor. Otherwise, you would probably have horrible nightmares about those gruesome nails for the rest of your life.

  It was a huge relief when Grace sat down.

  Rudy Morse walked to the front of the room next. I liked Rudy. He was really cool. He could cross his eyes, burp, and fart at the same time. The only things I didn’t like about Rudy were his pet beetles. Beetles are insects. I’m terrified of insects.

  Rudy said, “Don’t worry. I won’t scare you guys like Grace did.”

  “Grace didn’t scare me,” I said in a very shaky voice. Then I crawled out from under my desk.

  “She didn’t scare me either,” a bunch of my classmates said in very shaky voices. They crawled out from under their desks.

  I think Mr. McNutty crawled out from under his desk, too.

  Rudy said, “Instead of watching TV or playing video games, I taught my sweet little pet some tricks.”

  Oh, no. I hoped Rudy wasn’t talking about his pet beetle.

  “I’m talking about my pet beetle,” Rudy said.

  Oh, no. I hoped he didn’t mean the giant red one.

  “I mean my giant red one,” Rudy said.

  I hoped he hadn’t brought it to school.

  “I brought it to school,” Rudy said.

  I hoped he wasn’t going to show us the beetle.

  “I’m going to show you my beetle,” he said.

  He opened his hand. On his palm was a giant red beetle. He said, “This is Cuddles.”

  I clapped. I hoped he was done.

  “Stop clapping. I’m not done,” Rudy said. “I want to show you Cuddles’s newest trick.”

  I hoped Cuddles’s newest trick was playing dead.

  “Cuddles’s newest trick is flying around the room,” Rudy said.

  I hoped he wouldn’t get near me.

  Cuddles flew around the room. He got near me.

  Then he landed on my nose.

  I screamed, “Yah! Ah! Gah! Wah, wah, wah!”

  “Huh?” Rudy asked.

  I screamed, “Get that thing off me!”

  Rudy got Cuddles off me.

  Then I screamed, “TV-Turnoff Week is the worst week ever!”

  I was in a terrible mood for the rest of the day. At home, I was so bored that I even did all my homework. And for the first time in my life, I studied for a test.

  Everyone in my family was in a bad mood. My sister Alexa was so bored that she weaved Waggles’s fur into tiny braids.

  Waggles barked. In dog language, it probably meant, “I’m in a bad mood, too. I’m bored and my fur looks ridiculous in tiny braids.”

  Mom and my sister Mia played the awful Princess Sing-Along board game. Mom kept telling Mia to hurry up. Mia kept telling Mom to stop telling her to hurry up.

  “I’m so bored,” I said.

  “Play the Princess Sing-Along game with Mia,” Mom said.

  “No way. I’ll never be that bored,” I said.

  “I’ll pay you,” Mom whispered.

  “Game on!” I said.

  I played the game for two hours. I had to stop before I died of boredom. Mom gave me five dollars.

  I’d suffered without the TV and video games for three days. I still had four more days to go. I didn’t know whether I could survive that long.

  The next day, my class went to the library. As usual, I grabbed the shortest, lightest book I could find. I didn’t care what it was about. I wasn’t going to read it.

  Then I sat at a big table and waited for my friends.

  Hector, Owen, Aaron, and Danny soon came to my table. We talked, told jokes, and made fake fart noises. I loved library day.

  Ms. Sohn, the librarian, came by. So I opened my book and pretended to read it.

  “How’s your book?” Ms. Sohn asked me.

  “It’s awesome. I love to read,” I lied.

  “You sure seem enthused about the history of bridal gowns,” she said.

  “Huh?” I asked.

  “Your book is called The History of Bridal

  Gowns,” the librarian said.

  My friends laughed.

  I closed the book. “I got this by mistake,” I said.

  “What book were you trying to get? The History of Flower Girl Dresses?” Owen asked.

  My friends laughed even harder.

  The librarian said, “I’ll help you pick out a book, Zeke. Follow me.”

  My friends were still laughing when I went into the librarian’s office.

  “Do you like fiction or nonfiction?” Ms. Sohn asked me.

  I shrugged.

  “Contemporary or historical books?”

  I shrugged.

  “Realistic or fantasy?” the librarian asked.

  Guess what I did next. Here’s a hint: My shoulders really hurt. That’s right. I shrugged again.

  “Do you like to watch TV?” she asked.

  I didn’t shrug this time. Instead, I smiled and said, “I love TV.”

  “Tell me what shows you like best and why,” she said.

  I wondered what that had to do with books. But I did what the librarian asked. I said, “I like watching The Talking Underwear show because it’s funny. I like Wolfboy because it’s cool. And I like Super Force Field because it’s about outer space.”

  “That’s very helpful. You can return to your friends now,” the librarian said.

  So I headed back to my friends’ table.

  When Owen saw me coming, he sang, “Here comes the bride. Here comes the bride.”

  My friends laughed some more.

  I scowled.

  My friends stopped laughing when the librarian returned.

  She set some books in front of me and said, “I got you a Captain Underpants book because you like humor. I chose Enter the Zombie for you because you like cool things. And I got a book called Dwarf Planets because you said you like outer space.”

  “Thank you,” I said politely. I wouldn’t read those books or any other books. But it was nice of Ms. Sohn to try to help me.

  Then Hector said, “I love Captain Underpants. Ms. Sohn, can you pick out books for me, t
oo?”

  “I’d be happy to,” she said.

  Soon everyone else at the table asked for help. They all went to Ms. Sohn’s office.

  I sat alone at the table with a pile of books. I had no idea what to do. I sure wasn’t going to read the books.

  My teacher came by. “Why aren’t you reading?” he asked me.

  “I am,” I lied. Then I opened the Dwarf Planets book and pretended to read the first page.

  Then I really did read the first page. It was interesting.

  Then I read the next page. It was interesting, too.

  I kept on reading. When my friends returned, I showed them pictures from the book. “See this comet? It’s also called a dwarf planet. And look at this weird asteroid,” I said.

  “That’s cool. Can I read your book?” Hector asked.

  “Not until I’m done with it,” I said.

  Then everyone read the books the librarian had picked out for them. It was very quiet at my table.

  I was sorry when our class had to leave the library.

  After we got back to our classroom, Victoria Crow gave her report. “TV-Turnoff Week doesn’t bother me. I never watch TV or play video games anyway. That’s one reason I’m the smartest kid in third grade,” she said.

  She held up a big metal thing with wide straps on it. She said, “This is a jetpack I made yesterday.”

  Then she strapped the jetpack on her back, pressed a button, and flew all over the classroom.

  I liked watching Victoria fly around the room. It was much better than watching Rudy’s giant red beetle fly around the room. Plus, Victoria didn’t land on my nose.

  After that, we took the test I had studied for at home. It was so easy that I finished it early.

  Then I read a few more pages of the Dwarf Planets book. I couldn’t wait to get home so I could finish it.

  The next day at school, Mr. McNutty handed back our tests. I got my first perfect test ever. And what do you know? It was also the first test I’d ever studied for.

  I showed my test to my family as soon as I got home.

  Mom hugged me. “We should go out to celebrate your great test score,” she said.