How I Learned to Love the Walrus

by Beth Orsoff

  I laid out all the pieces of the tent on the plywood platform while Duncan hammered the stakes into the ground. I was still reading point one of the instructions—how to connect six poles into three—when Duncan snapped them together and positioned them in place.

  "So I’m guessing you’ve done this before?" I said, still trying to determine which pocket was front sleeve "A," and which was rear sleeve "C."

  "A time or two," Duncan replied, expertly weaving the "B" pole through the center of the tent and hooking the rings into place. Even Jake looked like he knew what he was doing, handing Duncan U-clips and shock cords upon request. I tried to stay out of the way and not break anything.

  Forty minutes later, the three of us stood inside my home for the next twenty-nine days—an eight-foot-wide yellow dome with a zip open door and a rear window vent. If I stood in the center, I could take one step in any direction before my head grazed the nylon, and Jake could walk upright within two feet of the sides, but Duncan had to hunch slightly even at the midpoint.

  It was a good thing I’d be sleeping alone. I’d never be able to share a space this small with anyone else.

  Chapter 16

  I could smell the onions frying long before we reached the cabin. "Mmm, what’s for dinner?" I asked, following the scent into the kitchen.

  "Beer-battered onion rings and barbecued chicken," Tony said, manning a giant skillet at the stove.

  "We have a barbecue?" I’d been worrying about how I was going to cook dinner without an oven. This opened up a whole new set of possibilities.

  "Yeah, Sydney, they call it fire." I followed his gaze out the window. In the grassy area behind the cabin, Sean was kneeling next to a ring of rocks with a small blaze in the center and a grate on top.

  I refrained from asking how one started a blazing fire in wet grass without a tank of propane or a stack of charcoal briquettes. Maybe Brie would know. "Can I help with anything? Make the salad or something?"

  Tony smiled benevolently. "Sure, just pop down to the grocery store and pick up some spring greens and a couple of juicy heirloom tomatoes."

  "There’s a—"

  "Of course not! Honestly, Sydney, you make it too easy."

  "Sorry, but this wilderness living is all new to me. Back home I’ve got three grocery stores and a dozen restaurants all within a mile of my apartment."

  He gave me a once-over eye sweep. "You don’t look like you partake in all of them," he said, before turning back to the stove.

  I felt the flush rising in my cheeks, even though I was 99% sure he and Sean were gay. "I eat a lot of salad," I said, as I headed to the fridge. "And if I don’t start eating some here too you’re going to have to roll me off this island." My jeans were already starting to feel tight at the waist.

  "I think there’s some wilted lettuce in the bottom bin," he said, dropping a new batch of battered rings into the splattering oil. "Help yourself."

  I passed on the soggy salad but had Tony heat me up a can of carrots and peas. They were as bland and mushy as I remembered from childhood, but I doused them with enough salt and pepper that they became edible. Even Jake ate a spoonful.

  After dinner, Sean, Tony, and Duncan helped me carry my bags down to my tent, while Ethan took off for parts unknown, Jill and Jake retired to the loft, and Brie set up the board for Trivial Pursuit.

  When we returned to the cabin, Duncan asked me to join their game, but I passed. I knew I could never compete with that bunch of eggheads. I was the only one who didn’t have or wasn’t working on a Ph.D. Instead, I used the free time to catch up on my day job, even though it was nine o’clock at night.

  I turned on my laptop and moved the sat phone along the window ledge until I located a signal. Remarkably I was able to connect to the internet on my first attempt, but I’d only downloaded four of my two hundred and twelve unread e-mail messages when my computer froze.

  "Please don’t do this," I pleaded, but my laptop responded with several indecipherable beeps before the screen turned black. "Motherfucker!"

  A voice behind me giggled, and I whirled around to face Jake. He’d traded his Batman pajamas for a one-piece Superman outfit with red cuffs and feet.

  "Will you please stop sneaking up on me! You’re going to give me a," I caught myself and deleted the "fucking" before "heart attack."

  "What are you doing?" he asked, venturing into the room.

  "Aren’t you supposed to be in bed?" I said sharply, then softened my tone. "Sorry, Jake, I’m just mad at my computer."

  He pointed to the neon green error message in the middle of my black screen. "What’s wrong?"

  "I don’t know. Maybe it’s tired and wants to go to sleep." It was starting to sound like a good idea to me.

  "You’re silly," he said, then giggled and ran to the other desk. He turned on Jill’s computer and spun her chair in circles while he waited for it to boot up. I considered ordering him back to bed, but I didn’t think I had the authority.

  "You wanna play Pirate Treasure?" he asked when Jill’s computer stopped grinding and a picture of him standing next to a fish almost as tall as he was popped up on her screen.

  "I don’t know," I said, hitting the control, alt, and delete keys simultaneously. The low battery indicator flashed once before the screen turned black again. "You think your mom would mind if I recharged my battery while we play?"

  "She won’t care," he said, clicking the mouse and pulling up a game that looked like a cartoon rip-off of Pirates of the Caribbean. "Arr, mateys," the computer animated pirate with de rigeur peg leg and parrot called out. "So ye want me treasure, do ya?"

  "I’m Morris," Jake said. "He has a cat that eats mice. You can be James."

  "What does James have?" I asked, as I crawled on the floor next to Jill’s desk searching for something that looked like it might be a solar converter.

  "A magic sword."

  Hmmm. That sounded a lot better than a carnivorous cat. I knew there had to be a catch, but I agreed anyway.

  After I plugged my laptop into Jill’s charger, I rolled my chair next to Jake’s and watched him so I could learn how to play. Morris and the cat were battling the captain and his army of mice when we heard Jill’s voice calling from the other room. In an instant, Jake had minimized the screen and crawled under the desk.

  "Have you seen—" Jill stopped short as she entered the office. "What are you doing on my computer?"

  I surreptitiously rolled my chair in front of the desk opening so Jake would be hidden behind my legs. "My laptop battery died, so I thought I’d use yours while mine charged. You don’t mind, do you?"

  "No," she said, "that’s fine. You haven’t seen Jake, have you?"

  I shook my head. You could accuse me of being a lot of things, but a rat wasn’t one of them. "I thought he was upstairs with you."

  "He was, but now he’s gone."

  "Did you check the living room? I think Brie and the guys are all playing Trivial Pursuit."

  "They haven’t seen him."

  "Arr, matey," the computer pirate roared. "Get thee scurvy bones out of me sight or you’re a dead man fer sure."

  I spun around and clicked off the speaker. "Sorry, I got bored. Did you check the outhouse?"

  She eyed me suspiciously. "Jake knows he has to tell me before he goes outside."

  "Maybe he didn’t want to wake you."

  "Maybe," she said, unconvinced.

  "Why don’t you check the outhouse, and I’ll look around the cabin. Wherever he is, he can’t have gone far."

  She glanced from me to the computer screen and back to me again before she nodded and hurried out of the room. I waited until I heard the cabin door slam shut before I knelt down in front of the desk. "Get your ass out here this instant!"

  Chapter 17

  Jake crawled out from under the desk whining about wanting a do-over.

  "That stupid game is going to be the least of your worries if you don’t get upstairs right now, buster."

  In
stantly the lips puckered and the tears started sliding down his cheeks. "Am I in trouble?"

  "Not if you go to bed immediately," I said, softening my tone. "And whatever lie I tell your mother, you better back me up."

  "Mommy says I’m not supposed to lie."

  "Well, you should’ve thought of that before you snuck out of bed."

  Definitely the wrong thing to say. The tears flowed even stronger now and were accompanied by loud, heaving sobs.

  I knelt down in front of him so we were eye level. "I’m sorry, Jake. I didn’t mean it. Really." I was still wiping his tears onto my sleeve when the cabin door slammed open and Duncan ran into the room.

  "What happened? Where’d you find him?"

  "I’ll explain later. Right now I need to get him upstairs before Jill gets back. Where is everybody?"

  "Outside looking for him," Duncan said. "Don’t you think you should tell Jill you found him?"

  "Of course, I just need—" All of a sudden my knees felt very warm and wet. I looked down at the puddle spreading around my legs and followed the trail of yellow water up the leg of Jake’s pajamas to the large wet circle at his crotch. "Jake, what did you do?"

  Obviously the wrong thing to say since he burst into fresh tears.

  I kept trying to soothe him with "it’s okay" and "it’s no big deal," while I reached for the box of tissues on Jill’s desk, but it just made him cry louder. And Duncan was no help at all, since he was doubled over with laughter.

  "Do you think you could give me a hand here?" I yelled, but before Duncan had even straightened up, Jill ran into the office, followed by Brie, Sean, and Tony.

  As soon as Jake saw her, he wailed "Mommy!" and ran into her arms. Jill hugged him to her, not caring that he was soaking wet, and whispered soothing words into his ear while she glared at me.

  "What did you do to him?" she demanded when Jake’s sobs had subsided.

  "Nothing, I swear. I—"

  "Then why’s he crying?"

  "I don’t know. I was just about to get you when he wet himself."

  "It’s true," Duncan added, finally recovered from his laughing fit. "I saw the whole thing, and—"

  "Oh shut up," Jill said to him. "We all know you just want to get into her pants."

  Well, that was a conversation killer.

  "C’mon baby," she said, carrying Jake out of the room. "Let’s get you cleaned up."

  Then Tony put his hand on Sean’s shoulder and announced, "That’s our cue to leave. Good night all."

  I concentrated on mopping up the puddle and didn’t dare look up until I spied Brie’s boots turn and walk out too.

  "You need some help?" Duncan finally asked, kneeling down next to me.

  "No, I think we’ve done quite enough, thanks."

  "We didn’t do anything."

  "Try telling that to Jill." And to Brie.

  Even without Jake waking me, I was up at seven. My tent was surprisingly warm, but the sheer yellow fabric didn’t do much to block out the sun. I considered getting dressed and hiking up to the cabin, but vetoed the idea. Call me a wuss. I just wasn’t ready to face the wrath of Jill, so I rolled over and forced myself back to sleep.

  I didn’t wake up again until I heard her calling my name. I lay motionless in my sleeping bag, hoping she’d go away, but my tent flap unzipped and she stuck her head in. "We missed you at breakfast."

  I shimmied out of my sleeping bag as she stepped inside. "About last night, I want you to know—"

  "I owe you an apology," she said as she sat down cross-legged in the middle of my floor.

  "You owe me an apology? I owe you one. I never should’ve lied to you. I just didn’t want to get Jake in trouble and—"

  "I know. He told me. You shouldn’t have lied to me, but I panicked and—"

  "I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. All I can—"

  "Sydney, it’s done. How about we put it behind us and move on?"

  I was so relieved. If there was one person on this island whose good side I wanted to stay on, it was Jill’s.

  "The cabin’s empty except for Ethan," Jill continued, "so if you want to grab some breakfast, now would be a good time."

  "Actually, what I’d really love is a shower." I hadn’t had one since I’d arrived, and frankly, I needed one.

  "Are you sure? It’s a bit chilly today."

  "I don’t care," I said, pulling my boots on over my pajamas. "I just want to feel clean again."

  "Then follow me."

  I packed a change of clothes and my toiletries in my duffel, then followed her up the hill, past the cabin, to a free-standing enclosure abutting the steepest section of the slope. The shower consisted of a metal pole in the ground with a rusted head on top surrounded by panels on three sides and a floor made of plywood slats. It had no roof, no insulation, and two feet of open space on the bottom where the wind whistled through, but Jill told me I could count on ten minutes of hot water. After that it got iffy. Then she told me to pull the chain to the right to turn it on, to the left to shut it off, and left me on my own.

  I traded my boots for flip-flops and undressed inside my long wool winter coat. When I was naked underneath, I dropped the coat and made a dash for the chain. I was only exposed to the frigid air for a few seconds, but it was long enough for my skin to erupt in goosebumps and to start my teeth chattering.

  I washed my hair first, then lathered up with the soap while the conditioner soaked in. I managed to shave both underarms and was working my way up my left leg when the hot water ran out. I towel dried myself faster than I ever had in my life, climbed back into my boots and coat, and dashed for the cabin.

  I had three options: I could wait an hour for the solar heater to deliver more hot water to the shower, I could boil water on the stove then wait for it to cool, or I could finish shaving my legs with cold water in the sink. I figured the faster I finished shaving, the faster I could get dressed and warm up.

  I pulled on my bra and panties, dropped my coat, and jumped up on the kitchen counter. With my legs stretched out over the sink, I quickly finished the left and had just lathered shaving cream on the right, when Ethan walked in.

  He didn’t say a word to me. He just poured more coffee into his cup, then turned around and stared.

  "Would you mind," I finally said. "I’m shaving here."

  "I can see that," he replied.

  I don’t wear flimsy, lacy underwear, so there’s nothing you can see of me in my bra and panties that you can’t see at the beach, but I still didn’t like being openly stared at. "Haven’t you ever seen a woman shave her legs before?"

  "Not in the kitchen sink, no."

  "I ran out of hot water in the shower," I said, as I turned on the faucet to rinse my razor. "At least in here I’m out of the wind."

  He nodded and took a sip of from his coffee cup.

  I waited a few seconds, hoping he would leave on his own, yet he didn’t appear to be in any rush. "Don’t you have better things to do than stand here watching me shave?"

  He pursed his lips together as if considering it, then shook his head. "You can’t download porn on a satellite connection so I have to take what I can get."

  I briefly considered threatening him, but since my pink daisy shaver wasn’t exactly menacing, I decided my best option was to try to ignore him, and hope he’d go away on his own. After all, watching someone shave their legs isn’t exactly titillating. "Suit yourself," I said, and returned to the task at hand.

  I’d just rounded my right knee when I nicked myself in the same spot I always do. And as always, the blood started gushing immediately. I searched the counter for something to stop the bleeding. Ethan ripped a paper towel off the spindle behind him and handed it to me.

  "Thanks," I said, as I tore off a corner and stuck it to my skin. The white paper instantly turned red, and the blood trickled out from underneath, then the stream hit the shaving cream and the whole blob turned pink.

  "Goddammit!"
/>   "You need to put pressure on it."

  "What are you, a doctor?"

  "Yes."

  I didn’t think being a zoology professor counted. "Yeah, but you work with animals, not people."

  "We all bleed the same," he said, as he grabbed the rest of the paper towel, folded it into a thick square, and stuck it onto my wound. He held it in place with his thumb and let his fingers graze the back of my knee.

  I leaned back on my elbows in an effort to put some distance between us. He was definitely invading my personal space again. But this time my response was much worse than a panic attack.

  Chapter 18

  I was starting to get that warm, tingly feeling that usually only strikes me when I’m fantasizing about Blake.

  "You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?" I asked, as I stared up into those piercing blue eyes.

  "I’ve had worse days," he said, managing to suppress his budding grin.

  Then the cabin door crashed open, and Jake came running into the kitchen. "Sydney, you’re naked!"

  Ethan jumped back, spilling coffee down the front of his denim shirt, while I grabbed the wet towel off my head and threw it over me like a blanket.

  "I’m not naked, I’m shaving."

  Jill arrived a few seconds behind him and quickly took in the scene. "C’mon, Jake," she said, grabbing his hand, "let’s let Sydney finish dressing."

  "I’m thirsty," he whined.

  "In a minute," she said, dragging him into the other room.

  "I’ve got work to do," Ethan said without looking up. Then he retreated to the office without even stopping to clean the coffee stain off his shirt.

  I wiped the rest of the shaving cream onto my towel and grabbed my coat and duffel bag off the floor. I was rushing through the living room in my underwear and bare feet when the cabin door swung open again and Brie, Sean, Tony, and Duncan strode in.

  Man, my timing was off today! We all froze for a second, before Tony said, "Good morning."

  I mumbled "good morning" back and ran up to the loft. When I returned in clean jeans and a wool sweater, Brie and the boys were standing around the dining table munching on trail mix, except for Duncan, who was scarfing down handfuls of cereal right from the box.